Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

Just wanted to be here and express my love and support to you ladies.

There are so many similarities between the way woman as a gender are conditioned (to think they are faulty, to accept ill treatment with giggle, to keep giving), and the way we specifically were conditioned by abusive partners and parents (to think everything is our fault, to accept the unacceptable, to keep striving for a sign of love or approval). The effects on our psyches are also similar.

I just wanted to emphasise with that, Bibi, that it's not you: it's them.

And thanks for my new name, Hissy!

In kick ass humour again this morning.
Apparently not cutting off the crusts on DDs bread for school makes me a terribley uninterested uncaring and downright bad mother. Who'd of thunk it!? The petty twat thats who.

Aren't the crusts the best bit? And isn't the crust the bit we give babies when they are first introduced to bread? (Or was that just me?) No lunchbox nazi in the land is going to send a note home because you failed to remove the edges from DD's sandwiches, I'm fairly sure. Although you never know these days...

Basically, it was wrong because you did it. If you carefully cut the crusts off every morning he'd laugh at you for being too fussy, or tell you you're teaching her to be a wimp, or depriving her of crust for some foul unspecified purpose.

Just tell him to make the sandwiches himself in future or feck off and let you get on with it.

Sorry, not really read the thread yet. Have skimmed some of it & yes, my H is most def an emotional abuser.

He makes me confused most of the time. He will be horrible & then nice. When he's nice, I think I've imagined all the horriblesness or I am making it worse in my head.

I need to write down all the nastiness.

I don't feel I'll ever have the strength to leave him.

And cut the crusts off the bread. Errm, sod that. Surely said child can just leave the crusts like my ds
My ds goes to a new school. When I asked them what the lunch box policy was, I was told there wasn't one! I didn't tell my ds this or he'd want nutella sandwiches every day!

yes, write down the nastiness, sweepit

You'll find the strength when you need it.

I'm reading through some of your stories, and I am so shocked.

I have a real tendency to forget things he has done, or play them down

I don't know whether I'm right or wrong
Why can't I be stronger?

Witherhills, same here x

ItsMeandMyPumpkin, I will write the stuiff down from now on.

Good morning! Bibi, your long post could have been written by me - the seemingly trivial items that just erode your confidence further and further. You certainly have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about - he does.

Herscaryness - ironically that speech is what has really spurred me on to change my life. Weirdly I saw it a couple of days before Jobs died (I started googling him as the new iPhone was in the news and I wanted to check how he was). He was an amazingly inspirational man.

Have a fantastic Friday everyone!

Yes. Keep a journal. In a safe place.

Bibi and Garlic, thank you for sharing that. I hope that in sharing you can see that you did nothing wrong, that there is nothing to be ashamed of, and omg I have to add that I am sitting here shaking with fury for you.

Breaklegs - have you reported yourself to social services yet for being such an awful parent? What an unimaginative dickhead he really is.

Thanks MO and others for your kind words re. last nights memory 'spillage' on my part. There's still a part of me thats going 'you wrote the 'r' word, why did you do that, you drama queen'

This place is better than counselling since there the irritating woman used to just sit and look at me gravely before shoving the tissue box closer to me :)

£25 an hour for that, tsk - much better spent on beanbags, cheeses, bacon and ticket clippers for this thread

Morning all
This thread is such a comfortable place I keep sneaking back to when I am wobbling. You are such honest and brave people.

garlic you made me feel so much better with your post, thank you.

I really need to believe that the triggered upset LittleHouse is not the Real me, because she can be horrible and unkind. And when that happens there is a huge indignation and a feeling of "Is nothing I do ever good enough?" and I feel like a wailing child. Which is quite easy to sort out really, and how has it taken me till I am over fifty to address?

I had a lovely evening off MN yesterday. First I met my girlfriends and caught up on news and planned our week away in November. Then the VNM came over to see me and stayed the night as he is off abroad again today and wanted to see me. He really is the gentlest man I have ever known. He lets people walk all over him and is so kind. I told him about my temper and he didn't believe me!

Anyway things are good today. Have a good friday folks

I keep wanting to thank you for your posts, MmeO, but it'd get repetitive
Consider this a blanket thank-you, please. You're doing me good. x

how has it taken me till I am over fifty to address? - What Pumpkin wrote, LittleHouse: woman as a gender are conditioned (to think they are faulty, to accept ill treatment with giggle, to keep giving), and the way we specifically were conditioned by abusive partners and parents (to think everything is our fault, to accept the unacceptable, to keep striving for a sign of love or approval).

Makes you cross, doesn't it.

Has anybody posted Helen Reddy's [[http://www.lyricstime.com/helen-reddy-i-am-woman-lyrics.html "I Am Woman" yet?

(Helen Reddy and Ray Burton)
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

Oh, fgs! "I Am Woman"

My first ever seasonal namechange
I've never been able to think of one before, you lot are inspiring me, although if anyone can come up with a better idea than mine do feel free.
Garlic

I like it, Madame Woo!

Would it look more spooky like this: MadameWooOOoovary?

bellsring Hmm, know that feeling - he always has the last word. But maybe that's OK the way you put it - he's just better at being nasty than me (when he wants to be) - It just comes naturally to him, on tap, whenever he feels it's needed
But nothing for him to be proud of really is it ?
Sometimes I say to myself or to him on such occasions
"You might win the battle but you'll lose the war"

• I don't think he quite gets what I mean, but I'm sure some of you folks will see where I'm coming from

Yes! [runs off to change]
Thanks er, Pumpkin

Oh, BTW, you guys inspired my little seasonal namechange - like it ?

Bibi and garlic your midnight posting jogged my memory. I once had a one night stand with a guy my friends warned me wasnt a nice man. I ignored them and went to bed with him. He surprised me with anal sex without asking or any comment. I was so taken aback (!!!) that I just went along with it out of politeness? embarrassment? surprise? The next morning he left and I never saw him again. I never told anyone because I felt such a fool, and anyway I wasn't hurt or upset just astonished.
In hindsight that was typical of me being a people pleaser and not having boundaries. What a nerve!

I hope now I would be a. more discerning and b. more assertive

BreakFree - Twat told me during latest rant this evening that I would "get it" when he wouldn't be there

Weird X2 used to say that. He didn't add the breakdown bit - but, since I did have a breakdown, he missed a chance to Be Right

What I regret is not pushing him for a definition of the "it" I was to get. Did you ask yours? I realise how often I guessed or assumed his meanings; played right into his hands, that.

Seasonally juggling - Have you ever tried the "yes dear" ploy? Just fog him with agreement See what happens?