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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

999 replies

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 26/09/2011 21:50

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 06/10/2011 22:59

Bibi, we discussed this too at the Freedom Prog. They reckon that these bastards are FULLY AWARE of what they are doing and why.

They have an objective (control of us) and if we wriggle, are not affected or appear impervious to one particular tactic, they modify, and modify, change, alter and tailor their behaviour until they get to what they wanted.

Positive, if you are anything like me, you will not WANT to be involved with anyone, it's too NICE, peaceful, a calm, happy and loving environment to want to think about polluting it with maleness.

you will leave love, you really will. YOU WILL BE FREE!

BibiBlocksberg · 06/10/2011 23:27

The more I hear about the freedom programme the more impressed I get. I naively thought it would be a day thing and therefore only able to cover 'basic' ea and dv tactics.

That sounds really up my own arse but isn't meant like that.

The bath thing really has struck a chord with me positive - that really subtle form of controlling is so insidious and just so hard to detect and explain to yourself let alone other people.

Treading on eggshells with knobs on really. That feeling of dread in your stomach all the time, strange almost constant anxiety and a sense of just being 'wrong' somehow just by being charactarised it for me.

I used to jump up from the sofa and change the tv channel when ex came home EVERY time and even while doing it i had no idea why, spent weekends creeping around being almost perfectly quiet while his 'lordliness' slept
off his dope hang-over until 3 in the afternoon, dried my hair in the kitchen with a tiny mirror awkwardly propped against the microwave, lit my way around the bedroom with my mobile phone FFS as couldn't put on the main light.

All to avoid the huffing and puffing and moaning and whining about how I didn't care, didn't love him and so on. Not so scary right? Nevertheless all the 'comsequences' for inconveniencing him were enough to keep me in line for years.

HerScaryness · 06/10/2011 23:38

Oh god the TV changing thing... i remember that!

My other group leader is sceptical of the FP, but to be honest, while I get where she is coming from, we are brainwashed IN to this, a bit of brainwashing OUT of it is not altogether a bad idea.

Can I just share the ffing AWESOME band I am listening to LOUD

HerScaryness · 06/10/2011 23:40

there has been Wine btw in case you were wondering ...

One more glass and I'll incapacitate myself from typing.... Grin

Have girls night out at the pub (first one since tosser left) coming up, i need to get in training.

In other news, I have 'found' the spider I momentarily mis-placed earlier. I will now arrange for his relocation

[HUGE]

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 06/10/2011 23:41

Nice new Halloween name, Hissy/Scary!

Care to find one for me too?

OP posts:
HerScaryness · 06/10/2011 23:52

ItsMeandMyPumpkinNow?

BibiBlocksberg · 07/10/2011 00:10

so sorry, real need to get this crap out while it wants to; trivial things in comparison I know Blush

I paid all the bills and he gave me his share in cash every month, always with an air of resentment as if it was my 'fun' money. Every time I'd say 'you know this is for the bills don't you'? Cues of 'I know I know'

I did virtually all of the food shopping because it never suited him to do it at a time suitable to normal humans as opposed to vampires (late at night)
Needless to say, the cost of said food was mostly mine as well since he'd never asked me to do it you see.

We ate what he liked and i turned myself inside out trying to please - every 's'alright' delivered in bored critical tone only spurred me on to greater effort to finally earn a heartfelt 'that was lovely'

He decided when and where we'd have a rest, stop-off, bite to eat/drink on all of out rare outings. Which was never until I was virtually fainting from tiedness and hunger etc. I had blisters the size of two pence pieces all over my feet and struggled to walk on some days on our first ever holiday to Spain (after 6 years together!) because of that and still i smiled and tried to make the best of it.

I wasn't allowed to drive when he was in the car as he'd get 'car-sick' and bored and i drove too close to other drivers apparently.

To add to the joy of long car journey's, he'd turn the music up louder and louder if I insisted on talking to him - reduced to juice and crisp passer. Nice.

Nothing was ever volunteered (help, lifts, paying his share) with the words 'but you didn't ask/tell me to. Of course, things like that were always accepted with a thick air of entitlement when supplied by me.

I paid the rent, all bills, car mot, gave him money for cigarettes/personal
spends, even his dope supply for 18 months while he was unemployed.
Not a single word of thanks ever, and he still made sure to get every penny back from me he felt I 'owed' him.

I carefully chose and paid for the majority of his family's Christmas and birthday present almost from the start. All of his family every year exclaimed ooh, how lovely, how thoughtful - they knew full well he's was and is a selfish shit and it was me putting in the effort yet he got the proper present and I got bags of value broken biscuits and offers of a rummage through the spare room to see 'what I liked'.

Tons more I'm sure but am feeling guilty enough about this tirade so will end it here. Thanks as ever letting me have the space to express what I need to.

BibiBlocksberg · 07/10/2011 00:17

Misplaced spider - Arf! Excellent Halloween name Hissy and yes yes yes to itsmeandmypumpkinnow! Do it, do it do it! :)

On the subject of spiders - I find it VERY weird how my usual phobia and girly screaming have been replaced by a yelp of anger and a resigned fetching of the hoover/tea towel/ piece of cardboard as needed. Needs must eh? :)

HerScaryness · 07/10/2011 00:17

Love, get it OUT!

I had to laugh at the value broken biscuits and a rummage though the spare room - I'm assuming that wasn't a euphemism?!

Mine used to spend my money on eBay and then WAIT to the moment I was scared to use my debit card for fear of it being refused for a bottle of shampoo.

Thank FUCK he's gone Bibi!

[drunk]

HerScaryness · 07/10/2011 00:20

NOOOO, don't kill them Bibi!

Cup/container and an envelope, window/Door, DONE!

The bloody spider caught my eye, then I looked away momentarily and ten couldn't see it! prompting a tweet

"Q: What's worse than spotting HUGE spider on the back door frame?
A: suddenly NOT seeing same HUGE spider anywhere on the door frame :-S"

Anniegetyourgun · 07/10/2011 00:23

I could change to Annieflyyourbroom, but I can't be bovvered.

Bibi could become BibiBatsburg.

BibiBlocksberg · 07/10/2011 00:34

I had hoped someone would suggest a Halloween name for me, thanks I love it and will go nab it asap :)

No, I don't like killing anything, even a spider but some of them have it in for me I swear! One sat behind the curtain pole at the top at such an angle that I couldn't get to it the other night and the fecker refused to move til gone 1 am (was sat with duvet pulled up to all three chins staring at it) Grin

Nope, value broken biscuits from his sister of all people who professed to like me - hate to see what she'd choose for people she can't stand. Oh, wait...

HerScaryness · 07/10/2011 00:34

Nice ones Annie!

Can I just share the late great Steve Jobs speech from 2005.

i know it was not written with US in mind, but it has a lot to say to those of us that are not living the life we'd hoped.

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."

BibiBatsberg · 07/10/2011 00:46

very true that - still shocked he's gone tbh.

Mmh, just missed my mouth, time to stop with the Wine I think.

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 00:47

It has to be done, Bibi. Sometimes when you're typing the stuff out you get a fresh slant on it. Often, another poster will give you just the thing you'd been seeing out of the corner of your eye, but eluded you. It's debriefing. Debrief away! I've been doing it for years ...

Your apparent trivia, above, break my heart. I recognise it all, and I bet everyone else does too. All that - running after him, constantly trying to be good enough. When you already were good enough, and too good for him. Which he knew. So he kept you running, to make you feel he was the too-good one Angry

It works in a way, because it breaks you. Makes you less good than before, so then he grants himself more opportunities to punish you. For not being good enough. Because, by now, he's convinced himself AS WELL as you. What a vile, vile way to treat another human being. What an utterly fucked-up way to do a relationship.

You know how you and Positive said about the bath thing, that it's so hard to tell other people? I've been thinking about this. What happens, I think, is that we censor ourselves. We go "I'm really annoyed with DP ... he ran me a bath." Then we think our friend thinks, how considerate, what's she whining about? So we go ... oh, I'm just being silly, never mind, did you see Corrie last night?
Where, if we'd gone on to explain "I didn't particularly want a bath, but he ran it and he always makes a fuss if I say I didn't want it. It burned my bum off, he always runs it too hot! But if I try to cool it down, he goes into a sulk!" ... then our friend might well remark that this seems a trifle odd.

I remember doing this - well, all the time really, but one spectacular 'nice' thing X2 did. It was out of the blue, extravagant and very sweet. There were lots of impressed witnesses. So I never told my friends that he'd not spoken to me for days beforehand, and I didn't have a clue how he knew where I'd be at that time. Or that he then drove off again, gesture complete, to do one of his regular disappearing acts. I thought it would make me seem ungrateful. Whereas, had I told them the full story, they would have gone "How FUCKING WEIRD!" And, actually, would have gone on to say "We've noticed he's a bit weird quite a lot, tbh. Tell us some more weird stuff?"
Maybe that's what I was afraid of.

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 00:47

I am liking all these horror namechanges Grin

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 00:50
was great, wasn't it, Scary :)
BibiBatsberg · 07/10/2011 01:09

Yes, quite, re the bath thing analysis garlic - i mean, go post that in chat or aibu and watch the Biscuit being awarded.

Even giving the detail to my then RL acquaintances would not have a raised a comment - that's partly what drove me to the feminism section as I remember wonderment whether all us females had been brainwashed into thinking constant, parent like caregiving was perfectly normal and part of every marriage/relationship.

I'm sorry, I just have to purge the holiday memory properly - so, there's me, with my gammy blistered hoofs, hobbling along, carrying too many bags and struggling. Asked ex to carry the bag containing ONE pair of beach shorts so v small, v light bag. Cue tantrum from him and refusal because 'he doesn't like carrying things' and he didn't.

We were on our way to have a lobster dinner (a long planned treat) so of course old Bibi decided she couldn't rock the boat even though to this day I wish I'd gone with the impulse that wanted to go back to our accommodation and tell him to go fuck himself Angry

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 01:25

Oh, aargghhh! :( Poor you, Bibi. I've seen you and your many twins on holiday, soldiering bravely with all the bags and clearly sore feet (often plus three small DC), while their Twunt strolls slightly ahead, issuing advisories to "keep up" Angry

I was one of your twins, too, with X1. I improved after him ... though not enough, clearly. I have occasionally offered to help a struggling Twunt Wife with bags/kids (they always say no), but one day I will follow my instinct and tell the damn twunt to carry his stuff!

BibiBatsberg · 07/10/2011 01:34

And the fucker anal raped me, once, many years ago. I've never told anyone that, not sure why I am now really.

Another thing I couldnt explain why I was so upset for so long, it's only through reading MN and finally coming to understand that I have rights over my own body and no should mean no, ditto stop, that hurts.

Total crazyiness to have been drilled like a piece of tarmac by a pneumatic drill, have no way of stopping it and not feeling able to let the bastard know afterwards because HE would have played the traumatised party. Fucked up, it really is.

Time to name change to 'anonymous' I think...

I tried to leave him once, when he wouldn't get a job during those 18 months. Went away by myself for the first time in my life for three days first to see if he'd realise I was serious.

Picked me up when I got back and the first words out of his mouth were 'we need to go to ASDA there's no food in the house. 'Why said I' - the snooker was on, said he. And still I stayed, cancelled the room I'd arranged to rent and everything all on the strenght of one 'chat' where I did all the talking and he said very little. Incredible!

Ok, enough of me now - hope the rest of you are sensible enough to be tucked up in your beds sleeping :)

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 01:39

The shame is his, Bibi. Not yours.

BibiBatsberg · 07/10/2011 01:45

Should have known the vampire hunter's would still be up....being flippant to hide embarrassment of post, wishing I hadn't put that in writing now, don't know why but thank you garlic, you're right of course as ever!

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 01:59

He did this more than once. So did X1. I have permanent injuries.

Some fuckwits on AIBU dredged up my posts in Relationships about it, so I understand how you feel so reticent about it. The facts are, though, that it's an extremely malicious thing to do to anybody - and a complete abuse of the trust you have in a partner not to hurt you. Pinned down, crying into the pillow, hurting like hell - no man could claim he didn't know what he was doing Angry

My timelines are a bit blurry but, after last night's posts, I'm pretty sure they were punishments (for some poxy misdemeanour like the wrong tone of voice.) Also that they happened when I was having doubts about the relationship.
Cup of tea in the morning, as usual Angry

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 02:01

Forgot to brandish my garlic at you, you ... BAT!!!
Grin

BibiBatsberg · 07/10/2011 02:49

Thank you for sharing that garlic - just taking a last peek before I close my eyes to find my shame much lessened by knowing this has happened to someone else too (sounds wrong that but you know what I mean, I hope£

Totally missed your postings on this before now but will read through the thread in the link in a bit (making me feel ill with recognition right now)

This sort of thing is better out in the open when i think about it so that others too can know it's wrong and what happened is/was real.

Thanks again.