Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

Yes the three of us knew each other in college. We used to be friends and she confided in me she had slept with a few people over the summer. Rather recklessly and weeks before she had never even kissed a guy! However it is true she lied to him. I guess because he really wouldnt go with her otherwise. I know thats a fact.She was quite needy he was settling for her as he never thought he would have a family. But it was always me he wanted...now that I say it I understand his efforts to keepme even though its wrong. Im not excusing his behaviour.

I dont think it started when he mentioned jealousy I think when we held hands and he would squeeze it tight was a warning. Also when he would suddenly throw my hand away or suddenly walk off because I looked at someone. (I wasnt looking btw).

Looking back we were friends and I was probably quite lonely at the time we ended up getting closer. If I had said no at teh time to being with him I may have lost him for good as a friend too. He was quite needy though. Not just me and in a way I felt it a good thing as we were both in the same boat.

Ooh, yes, the random hand-holding! Seems to be another thing they all do ... it gets so you feel grateful if they hold hands with you normally

and then you feel on top of the world when they do. Then bang there they go again, you cry, you argue, he holds you, you feel all warm and wanted. He becomes the hero. Actually he does that a lot doing things to look good, maybe feel like the hero to give him higher self esteem. He actually has threatened to huntpeople down who have hurt me in teh past. I hate violence but he says htey deserve it for hurting me.

X has only been gone since Feb. there is talk of him coming over, but I've not spoken to him since to know if this was actually meant. Not likely to discuss it either, as last time it was mooted Ds had nightmares.

There are regrettably tens of thousands of reasons why it'd be better if I endured some contact.... until they are paid back of course. he says he will, I do believe him. WRT to stuff like that he's always been honourable.

Hissy no reason why you can't do a bit of manipulation yourself. If you think he is stalling, just say a friend has noticed that he hasn't kept his word and is offering to give/lend you money. Might that work?

Dear Hissy, go slow and pass anything that worries you by us. I can sense your anxiety, but share it here and don't make any snap decisions ((hugs))

Meanwhile, keep your eye off the thread and it moves so fast - welcome new faces - sad to have missed the cheese and wine evening (I was out with single parents thing, that I've just got involved with - nice but have to be circumspect about things.
Was going to say about the showing good face to others and nasty face reserved just for you. Ex couldn't cope post birth of DS and wanted me to affirm that he was good for him despite calling me c in front of DS (too young to understand), but he did understand when things got broken and thrown. He is still keeping that one up. Pah, I say, since when does putting me down, putting DD down and running off with other woman plus refusing to see DCs unless I write a full "confession" of my behaviour - ie I drove him to it - show that he is in any way a good father. Boy is that man fed up

Does anyone mind if I come on here?

I'll try & read the thread.

Hello, sweep :) Nobody minds if you don't read the whole thread, but please do check out the links on the first page - or at least some of them.

I'm sorry to hear you hve your very own twat problems (!) and glad you've found the thread.

arrrgghhh...girls. can i ask for your opinions please.

stbxh usually keeps his phone very close to him at all times. i have long thought it was because he has had/is having affair(s). so this morning i found it on the bathroom floor. and i snooped. and there is lots of contact with a girl. it seems very very likely they have been seeing each other since April.

i want to contact her. but im not sure why. to see how long its been going on? to ask if she knows about me and the kids? to see if she has any kids with him?!

i feel like its not really my business any more though is it? is it? if it had started in April our dd2 was 3 months old then

Nope. You're splitting up, so it's not really an 'affair'. If you can think of a good reason to know, ask him about it. If you can't, take this as A Sign to help your detachment.

FWIW, I positively encouraged X2. Once he'd finally got the message I wasn't "being possessive", he started sharing a little too much information - I sort of became his big sister for dating. As long as he was getting his claws into someone else, I didn't mind helping
(Sorry, MrsX2, but I was v. happy you bought his bullshit.)

hello sweep and welcome. Do you want to tell us about yourself or just sit on an imaginary bean bag with a for a while?

Bejee don't lower yourself to his level. You won't find out anything you don't already know (ie he is a cheating loser you are well rid off). And it will just make you look like a bunny boiler and he will have something to rant about.

I have been a bit quiet today. After the blow up at work we have all swapped apologies and hugs to suit, but it just makes me feel all the issues I sorted out by leaving H are still dormant and can be triggered by anyone who presses the buttons. That was what happened last week and on Tuesday.

I feel like I should go and live in a cave and not mix with people as I can't trust myself not to get upset and nasty in future. And I really don't want to be the aggressive person I turn into when I am wounded. And my NM is so loving and pleased to have found me I don't want him to be disillusioned by the "real" me

Oh garlic I'm glad you did that too! I was so pleased H found a new target I gave him my blessing and pray they stay together. She might even buy me out of the house with a bit of luck, he can't afford to!

I'm sorry to hear you've been triggered a few times lately, LittleHouse. FGS, don't you DARE think the 'triggered' you is the real you! My Pete Walker printout (it's on the kitchen wall) reminds me that flashback feelings are invitations to work through a little bit of residual trauma.

It's a good idea to take some slow breaths (isn't it always?!) and assess just what it is you're feeling. Usually we feel as if we've shrunk in size - or everybody else has grown - which indicates an emotional knee-jerk that goes back to childhood. Anger? What kind of anger is it; are you frustrated, offended, ashamed, indignant? You might feel frightened, wary, startled, resigned ... Any insights you get are informative and useful. Remind yourself you're an independent adult now, competent and capable of diffusing a situation or walking away from it. Take care of yourself, on your own behalf.

That sounds like a lot but, in reality, you can do it all in a few seconds although bad triggers need some proper quiet time to process fully. You might want to practise a couple of times at home? Counting to ten is always helpful, especially if there's an aggressive person tapping their feet for your response.

My 'bible' book is still Paul Gilbert's "The Compassionate Mind", which teaches me not to take others' ishoos personally and to be wisely compassionate towards myself :)

That verbal abuse from the link in the OP rings alarm bells.

Sorry, am in & out with the kids & stuff. Also "d" H due home soon.

Twat told me during latest rant this evening that I would "get it" when he wouldn't be there when I had total "breakdown"

I turned. Looked at him and said. No. I'm not breaking down. I'm breaking out.

And todays song of the day. Is by the amazing Adele. Turning Tables.

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I can't give you, what you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you, ooh
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I can't give you, what you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
Turning tables

Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I can't give you, what you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables, yeah
Turning ohh

Evening all and welcome new 'recruits' - consider the twats you're living with issued with a ticket to the far side of fuck, cattle class only, strictly no buffet cart or other comforts.

Plenty of cheese left from last night since I didn't bring it in until late. The oozy Brie or whatever disgusting it was that was left out and consumed this am by a thread member :)

Leave some for me as I'm doing 'grown-up' cooking tonight (stew and dumplings, yum) always like to get a bit of dinner news in here :)

....disgusting brie is gone, tsk, finish a sentence Bibi FGS!

Thank you everyone for such a warm welcome!

Garlic, your advise is invaluable. I go through phases of recognising practically all his behaviour as abusive and then he's nice to me for a while (often just a couple of hours), however that small period if time makes me doubt myself and be back at the beginning! How sad that I am so desperate for his acceptance and approval that I practically start all over again after any show of affection.

Some of you have such strength - the strength to recognise the behaviours and to take positive action. I'm still stuck in the recognition phase but still desperate to make things work and convince myself he is a nice guy and I'm over reacting or it's his depression or that I've driven him to it..... It is really difficult to effectively recreate your history and see things as they were.

He's being so nice to me at the moment that the orders to make him dinner, make him a drink, telling me I'm being 'told off' for leaving a couple of pans in the sink for a couple of minutes whilst eating dinner, saying he can't understand a word I say as I mumble barely register. Mad that even though things are soooo much better there's still a couple of minor examples from just one hour spent together tonight...

Then I start to question if they are just normal comments meant in a jokey way (for example being called and told that I'd better have his dinner ready when he gets home despite me only arriving home 2 minutes prior to his call, even though he'd say he's not serious, I still start making his dinner in my work suit to ensure it's ready when he gets home....)

I'm so glad to have found this thread - thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences.

X

breakfree I really feel for you. My Oh has in the past went through my phone and the rubbish. Not daring to get up for a fag, its an awful way to live. My OH used to rage and shout then 2 mintues later would act like it everything was hunky dory! What is that all about?

My OH at the moment is trying to be mr nice guy. A few cracks showing. I bought him a cake from the local bakery last night. I gave him it with a cuppa. Did I get a thankyou, no, just "I cant eat all that" I said I will have a bit, he said "I know you will". That to other people will seem like nothing, to me its the very beginning of how the control thing starts. A couple of other little things like that. Not enough to say I want a divorce. Imagine that, I divorced my husband because he made sure I couldnt refuse a piece of cake.

I know he is going to be a stbxh soon.

Welcome new bods and welcome.

Talk soon

IWBF xx

rage and shout then 2 mintues later would act like it everything was hunky dory! What is that all about? - Transactional Analysis inventor, Eric Berne, said that when the Child in a 'split' personality rages, the Adult and Parent in them know nothing about it. As someone said upthread, it's just like a toddler going from tantrum to smiles. Of course, we're supposed to integrate our selves as we grow up. But if the integration has been imperfectly completed, then one side of the character can be totally unaware of what the others think and do.

He's not talking about multiple personality disorder (although it would also apply), apparently we all do it to an extent. But the un-integrated personality really is like three different people.

I'm not pretending to know if that's all that's happening. In fact, I'm sure it's not: after starting therapy, I did notice that X2's rages were calculated. If he lost control at all, only part of him lost it - the rest knew exactly what he was doing. I've seen it in my mother, too. She does that classic Narc thing of switching out of red-hot rage to answer the phone!

I guess there are different kinds of mad ...

Positive - orders to make him dinner, make him a drink, telling me I'm being 'told off' for leaving a couple of pans in the sink for a couple of minutes whilst eating dinner, saying he can't understand a word I say as I mumble
... this is nice???

Nicer than normal!!! It is just the constant little digs that you get so used to. I am trying to actively recognise them again now as I do think I want to break free at some point. For whatever reason I feel like I owe him Something and have to justify a decision to leave. I know if I try to leave he'll do the guilt trip and manipulation and I'll be reduced to a dithering wreck having a breakdown then he'll pick up the pieces and show me how much I need him....

We also tried (briefly) to have a normal conversation and he 'teased' me about a plan to do a particular walk ( he does the smiling knowingly implying I wouldn't do it on my own) and said I'd have to find a nail bar along x walk as I mentioned I wanted to get a manicure that day. The saddest thing and rather embarrassing to admit is I almost certainly wont do the walk now as in some weird way I want him to look at me with affection when it transpires he's right

Sorry, that probably doesn't make much sense?!

Does anyone else feel they have to constantly check that their partner really is abusive even after reading the Bancroft book and doing other research?

Funny, garlic, once I had a row with a brazilian, in portuguese, a humdinger of a fight, she'd threatened my friend, but my english side didn't flinch, wasn't even remotely riled! always found that funny!

notsorted I'm fine thanks love, I'm OK, not anxious at all really, I'm doing OK.

We talked in group about a DP offering to run us a bath. It could be a lovely thoughtful gesture, but it could also be controlling. You WILL have a bath, when I say you will, and I will make it the right temperature for you etc. Rather like the PA cup of tea we've talked about. Abusers are great at doing this, at doing something to hurt us, but in a way that is so gift wrapped that if we were to recount it, we might be looked at as if we'd flipped.

Positivechanges, the idea is to decide what you want to do and do it, whether he makes a comment or not. Make it YOUR personal challenge to decide what you want and achieve it, on your own if need be.

Oh positive, he sounds horrible and put me in mind of Chinese water torture the constant drip drip drip drip - in fact St. Lundy has a character profile named the water torturer.

Im currently pondering a holiday tantrum of ex p, brougt to mind by the hand-holding posts. No wonder I was so upset at the time, wish I'd known then what I do now but instead I just blamed myself while being simultaneously being furious with him.

And yes, to this day there's still a part of me that disbeliefs what happened and tries to justify it away by saying 'oh, it wasn't so bad'

Thats why i haunt this thread like I do :)

Thank you herhissy and bibi!

The bath analogy resonates! Dh makes me a bath and always, always makes sure it's really, really hot. He follows me up to the bathroom and I (stupidly?) would never dare to add water. I don't know why. He wouldn't threaten me or shout. He's much more subtle, he'd tut or roll his eyes or say that nothing he ever does is good enough.

Good to haunt the thread even after escape - even if just to ensure you recognise the signs for next time. If I do ever leave I can't imagine ever getting involved again for feat of being stuck (lacking the follow through and confidence to ever leave)

Have a lovely night and thank you again