Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

He is out of town..can you change the locks to begin with?

I jus read the links above and very shocked now. A few of those things applied to me which I wouldnever have thought did. Im actually quite scared.

Hi Wither and Queenie and welcome to this lovely thread, where people are kind and respectful mostly!!

The thing to remember is that there is no rush either to take on board the full understanding of what is going on, or to break up your family if you are all safe and your DC are not in distress.

Sometimes it takes time to get up your courage, or to save a deposit and a running away fund or arrange a bolthole with relatives. But eventually the last straw will come and you will suddenly take that last step and be out. You don't need to act before you are ready. So dont be scared.

Do you want to tell us more LQ ?

I just wanted to join the club. I have posted previously under a different name and since then my life has changed dramatically. The people I live with haven't changed but my attitude to them has.

To be honest I still don't know if my husband is abusive or if I am?! I've read the Lundy Bancroft book and he definitely does some of the things but nothing like what some of you have experienced.

Loving the songs and think it's fantastic that you are able to offer so much support to each other.

Wither hills - have you asked your doctor if you are entitled to free counselling sessions? They really make an enourmous difference and help you to see things in a different light.

Lilqueenie - it is a massive shock to suddenly realise you are not going mad. To realise that their behaviour is not your fault. To realise that you do not provoke them. That said, a year after realising my dh was abusive, I still struggle to believe the past decade has not been as I thought, where I had a husband I believed loved and cherished me and I suddenly realised that wasn't the case. He was the reason I felt so unconfident, insecure, unhappy, controlled....

Im not sure cause it hurts so much. Everytime I look as my 3m old dd its like looking at him. Where do I start? I have a few threads on here. Basically he has broken down in tears and begged me to go back to him in the early days and this was in front of his family! where he said something I never quite figured out 'Please take me back I will be good! The only time he has ever really admitted to anything which hurts cause I really think he does love me but is going about it all the wrong way out of fear or losing me. He says he will never hit a woman or force them to havbe sex. True to his word too. He never hurts animals or children. however reading the links above some pretty scary stuff came to mind.

1. he has threatened to hurt/kill the cat to get me back and he LOVES that cat.
2. 'speaks for the baby' to make me guilty. and if I say it smaking me that way he says sorry but Im not sure now after reading the above.
3. He likes sex and wants to all the time and yes keeps on till he sulks then cant kiss whithout it having to lead elsewhere.
4. early days he asked me to a fantasy where he said he would like to ... me andIm sorry I cant even type it. He quickly backtracked and said with consent! It played on my mind. He says he likes it 'doggy' because a womans back is so beautiful but I think it smore the power thing perhaps. :( Writing all this makes me feel so sad.
5. I think he is quite rough with DD and tends to have a power thing with her evemn though he adores her.
6. he accueses me of flirting and sleeping with someone else and actually believes it. He has told me he is scared of going anywhere with me cause it hurts him. He is embarassed to be seen by me becaue I attract attention :(

He has a lot of good points however and I do want him to get help. He has low self esteem and has a bad family life. It doesnt excuse things but I do feel for him and want him to get help. He has no friends he feels everyoneis out to get him. To be fair the friends he did have were losers. I dont want him to be alone. I know that feeling. We used to be friends and he was so nice. Ive known him for 10 years butonly together for 3.

He was also willing toleave his family for me :( And he nearly killed his brother when he had me in panic during my pregnancy. He then reconciled with his brother. Its an off/onthing with them. He wont be seenin public with his brother either as he embarasses him. To be fair his brother does rant in public.

Bibi did you really eat all that Dolcellate last night? or did the cats finish it?

Hi Positive and welcome. I'm totally with you on the "not knowing" as living with a mind bender makes you behave in a way that is not attractive and you can then be called abusive and feel even worse about yourself! I was so reassured by the folks on here who said "It's not you it's him!".

Also if you read St Lundy he says women are rarely abusers except in same sex relationships. I had to trust him on that.

Queenie It is so difficult to pinpoint what it is that finally becomes the last straw, but even though you feel sorry for him and understand why he is how he is in many ways, you do not have to continue to live with someone who makes you unhappy. Also you have recognised that his behaviour is involving your DD and in time she will be sucked in too and learn patterns that will affect her life. Would you want her to live with someone who made her feel like you do?

It may be you are putting some boundaries in place and he can feel that and is getting more scared and escalating his behaviour. If you look at the links above the Beverly Engels one is good for people who admit their behaviour and want to address it. I found it helpful in learning why I was being so unkind and verbally abusive. Because I am basically lovely (!) it was quite easy to weed out the bad habits, especially once I was away from H.

Littlehouse-I struggle with behaviour I was reduced to with my ex.I can't put all the blame on him;I have to take some responsibility for it. However,I do know that the effects of being hurt mentally,physically,emotionally,sexually took their toll on me, and especially in the later years I ended up losing the plot/behaving out of sheer desperation. I don't know when I will recover from it all (or if). It's was the manipulation which was so mind-blowing. I can't help blaming myself, though, because I stayed with someone who did not want to be married to me from the early days.Full stop. Just feel stupid alot of the time.

bellsring the difference between you and me and our Twatty exes is that we agonise over our behaviour, feel shame and try to understand it and do our damndest (SP?) to ensure it never happens again, while they go on blaming us and feeling righteous and repeat their mistakes blindly.

Feel stupid for a bit, feel remorse, then pick yourself up and make your life better for you and the people you love. That's what the journey is all about!

garlicI hope you're feeling better today.I was doing well but now am in a bit of a blip(I hope)with lots of memories coming back.Just finished the divorce.So,alot of changes to come. But onwards and upwards!We are all used to 'bouncing back' and have become experts at it.

< nom, nom, munch, munch, finishes off last corners of brie - well ripened and oozing at the edges after being left out all night, on a couple of oat biscuits - going well with my morning cuppa - thanks all ! Last nights tracks playing quietly in the background >

Welcome to our newbies - (I'm an old hat I've been around since last week on here !) I'm a bit of a lurker on this thread, though posting some mainly lighter and encouraging stuff, am nervous to post much of the detail of the madness over the years but it hasn't been extreme like for some on here

Could relate to whoever said they were considering never going in car with H again though - that's been one of our worst battle-grounds - You can feel so trapped in that situation, and then add the stress of trying to get somewhere, the stress of family occasions, kids in the back, stress of other drivers, getting hopelessly lost - it's a recipe for disaster. Recently we had the opportunity to borrow a SatNav though, and DH did admit getting one might save our marriage, and agreed we could get one after I've been suggesting it for ages. He said he'd get me one for my birthday but then backed out of that as he said I'm not good with technology and wouldn't use it - but that was before we had this opportunity to borrow one from somebody. So, I thought that was an encouraging thing that he was prepared to admit that we had a problem - even if not fully taking responsibility for how badly he's treated me in the car over many years.

More TwatWatch from me....

He texts at 20.45 last week, can he speak to his son. DS is in bed. Not asleep, agreed, but fannying about, so not going to be conducive to an ordered bed time...

Then the next day at 5pm, I'd just got back from a full on day at work and was at my mum's. I texted hm back and said DS had been in bed and I wasn't at home.

The next day X texts me about 6pm to say he's going to sleep. (why do abusive arses all need to take naps??? I need to know!)

So I get another text last night gone 7.30, while I'm putting DS to bed, can he speak to his son. AND ANOTHER AT 00.15!

I can only imagine he is permanently off his face on dope...

He wants me to help him buy a flat in London. yeah right.

bellsring It's OK. we have all done the most horrid stuff because of them, but it's not us. It doesn't help up or anyone to agonise over it. The best thing is to know that the actions you were manipulated into doing were wrong, that you shouldn't have done them, and never will again.

It won't help you to beat yourself up over it, you need putting back together to be strong enough to be able to stand up for what you know is right from now on. Pulling yourself to pieces keeps you where he put you.

You are better than that! We are ALL better than that!

we have all done the most horrid stuff because of them, but it's not us. It doesn't help up or anyone to agonise over it. The best thing is to know that the actions you were manipulated into doing were wrong, that you shouldn't have done them, and never will again

hissy & bells- this needs to be a bit of a mantra i believe. my own behaviour worries me/ haunts me/ shames me/cripples me more than ALL his nastiness shovelled together. BUT it is so so soooooo reassuring for me, that so many of us feel the same on this. It really IS evidence that it is all part of their programme

Hissy can you cut contact? do you keep communications open for the sake of your son? does your ex ever come over and visit his son?

Hello again :) Haven't caught up yet after writing an immensely long journal entry based on fool's very helpful comments from last night, but wanted to say hi to Positivechanges. When I read St. Lundy, I thought X2 only vaguely matched some of the descriptors - somewhat abusive, but nothing like "as bad" as the stories in the book.

This is why I think it's useful to name the abusive behaviours. I didn't call the rapes rapes; it didn't register that he was deliberately endagering my life with the car seat; I let the belittling, blaming, splitting and diverting slide by unnoticed because I didn't have names for them. They were all there, in droves.

It's really helpful to keep a detached 'observer' running in your head. Not only does it provide some protective detachment from all the madness, but also, by watching and naming abusive tactics, lets you see what's really happening.

Just catching up.
Garlic OMFG at your list Horribly abusive. Psycopathic twat.
Welcome to Queenie Withers and Positive
I missed the cheesefest! [wails]
Love the songs - many similarities between Jamelia's "Thank you" and Xtina's "Fighter"!
Will add my own one - to be played very loud! Lyrics here

fool's post made me think of this pic I was looking at yesterday.

Hi, bellsring. Your post this morning, Thu 06-Oct-11 08:32:49, reminded me of me!

I'm going to quote a bit from this morning's journal ...

The early abuses were tests. I've thought about this very much, but through a slightly different lens. They were tests of my resilience. My "failing" (and this applies to x-boss as well) was not so much malleability as staunchness. That is whay my childhood taught me - to recognise abuse AND STAND UP STRONGLY. Not to run away or even to attack the fucker, but to withstand it and move on ... to the next bout of abuse.

Not a failing then: a misconception.

Here's the most important thing. A man, or woman, who observed such staunchness/resilience to abuse in another and knew how to care (was a decent, functional human being) would feel sympathy and try to prove themselves safe, caring and protective.

What it shows is not empathy. It demosntrates that he saw my vulnerabilities and leveraged them for power. Power over me, though he was pretty much obsessed by power over everybody.

He's a crocodile. Cold, malicious: faulty. He is a psychopath. I'm much better off out, despite the high cost.

... Don't know whether any of that will resonate for you. Might be worth a think? x

Here's the most important thing. A man, or woman, who observed such staunchness/resilience to abuse in another and knew how to care (was a decent, functional human being) would feel sympathy and try to prove themselves safe, caring and protective.

I like this. Well said. It definitely resonates with my own expereinces, in situations where I was the one who observed that my behaviour had hurt someone I loved and I immediately made sure to apologise and never do it again, and when I was the one acting stauch - repeatedly - and assuming that my stbxh would react as a decent, caring human being... because why wouldn't he? He loved me, right? ...right?

Welcome, Witherhills! I am delighted to see you here - your thread was heart-rending - and gutted to hear how determinedly he blocks your exit. I think you need to be very cautious :(

I can't post much support today, as am still reeling from my shocking discoveries through a clearer lens on my own life. This thread's a fantastic an sensible resource; keep posting, we will help you find your way through and out :)

Good post, Puppy! I've shared it :)

Yeah, Puppy. Somebody once remarked that my sibs and I often talk about "being brave". Guess why I hate that expression: what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. It's an abusive charter

Talking about tests. In the early days he introduced me to people he used towork with (supermarket, so actually in there when they were at work as we shopped) They were vile people and he even admitted he didnt like them much. I was wearing tight jeans a low cut top which was fine he even told me how good I looked and how jealous other men would be! Anyway when we left we had an argument because one of his 'friends' tried to come on to me. I was shocked and didnt say anything just wanted away. It then became my fault because I didnt say no or back up my partner and he said he looked like an idiot and was embarrased. ERm he took me to meet these people and he said nothing just looked on as I stood there mortified. He later said he was testing me to see what I would do. What I wish is I haddone is went off my head at said person and dropped partner there and then. Sod his embarassment. Better than keepin g quiet and feeling the way I was made to feel for so long. His ex wasnt like that apparantly. No she just lied about how many men she had slept with and went behind his back to find her ex. Little mother theresa she aint. FFS I hadnt slept with anyone till I met him and havent been with anyone else at all but Im the one who gets told Im evil.

Hi all sorry need to catch up with everyone again but have a and on me :o
I'm starting to have moments now, I'm realising it's not just stbx I allow to behave in that way, a few incidents this week where I've noticed I've gone oh ok then or shrugged it off, when most people would have been saying actually no this is not acceptable!
they're the three words I need to remind myself off, if it's not acceptable then you need to have your arse pulled up on it, whether it's stbx a company or school! see you all later I'm off to write some letters! :)

LQ, do you know his ex independently of him? Or did he tell you she lied about her past? And, actually, why would/should she lie, unless she was scared of his reaction to the truth?

Nice test in the supermarket (not.) It started when he said other men would be jealous, didn't it? That's NOT a compliment in the real world. It's more like a warning ...