Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

I'm sorry, I need to write all this down again.
I keep thinking what a wimp I was to go ahead and marry X#2, then to stay married and want him to stay married!

? When I suggested we might delay the wedding due to a death in the family, he stormed "We get married on that day or not at all!"
? He built the vintage car we used at our wedding. He never bolted down the passenger seat, so I had to hang on when we came to potholes and corners (he didn't fix it until our divorce.)
? As I sat down to sign the register, his first married words to me were "What's that piece of shit on your head?" (My floaty veil-cum-stole.)
? At our reception, his best man told a story about a serious insurance fraud they'd committed together. It was the first I'd heard of it.
? He refused the first dance, saying "Fuck off, can't you see I'm busy?" He was busy with a woman on his lap! I danced with my sister.
? He refused sex on our wedding night: "You're so predictable."
? He stood over me - I was sitting on the floor; he stood right next to me and glowered down - to insist that HE would be in charge of ALL finances from then on.
? We bought the flat in his name only; his 'reasoning' was feeble but he absolutely refused to a joint signature. (I placed a charge on it when we split - he hadn't known it was possible.)
? He was addicted to lapdancing clubs. After I made my position clear, he took to phoning when he was outside the club, to tell me he was going in.
? He followed me (didn't work this out until later.)
? He read my diary and used it against me.
? He complained about having to miss a work jolly for my dad's funeral.
? He raped me.

And there's much much more, of course ... Plus all the nice things he did, which, with hindsight, were 'big' things - single acts that got maximum effect for minimum effort.

I WAS a wimp! I'm really trying to get past looking at's what's "wrong" with me - STOP feeling angry at myself for being a pushover, and start being angry with HIM for taking the piss! A nice man would have taken my feelings into account, wouldn't he?!

The stupidest thing is, I can see how he thought all the above - and most of the other stuff - was funny. But I don't know whether he did. It's more likely, isn't it, that he's just an abusive twat who puts other people down to make himself feel important? He was a bastard to people who had to deal with him at work - he was a buyer, but he wasn't just hard; he was abusive.

Oh dear.
I don't know why I'm posting this (again ... ) now, so much later. I need to get angry and move on ... I don't even know if this is what I need to get angry about, or if something else is blocking my path. Can't access any more therapy, so I guess I'm hoping somebody will come along with a magic perspective!
Thanks for listening, anyway.

Garlic, Yeah you DO need to get angry. he makes my twat sound positively angelic.
You're no wimp though. You got through it.
Can't believe u went through that hell. (hugs)
BUT you're out the other side. You're out. Now breathe. Listen to Christina Aguilera Fighter song very loudly in front of a mirror. With fire in your eyes !!

I was just re-reading those lyrics. BreakFree
Never seen them written out before. I lurve Ms Aguilera!

!

Thats the spirit Garlic!!!
I actually used to do this when I split with first Xtwat many years ago. Time to find that girl again. She's there. She's fighting. She's just finding it hard to get out of the ring! Damn ropes.

bloody hell garlic, move on girl. GET BLOODY FURIOUS and move on.

Garlic-how long since you split from charming ex?Helps to write it down-see it in black and white.Don't feel up to putting my list here.

Wait for it .... Ten years
He hung around for a couple of years after that, pretending to help while making sure I didn't get any money out of him. And, to be fair to myself, I was also being abused at work so the accumulated trauma did me in.

It took a very, very looong time to realise how badly he and my employers both treated me. I was surrounded by people telling me it wasn't that bad or (putting a generous spin on it) not grasping the enormity of what was happening to me. Everything in my background - everything that feels like "me" - set me up to take abuse and take the blame for it. I spent my many years in therapy working that out, basically. I am indebted to Mumsnet for guidance towards seeing the 'normal' way of doing relationships.

It's only just starting to sink in that X2 was a fully-qualified psychopath like Dad and I must have been doing something right, because he couldn't control me. I'm just starting to realise he can't have changed (mutual friends told me he'd learnt from me and was nicer to W2) and the poor woman's probably a nervous wreck by now. But I can't help feeling angry at myself. There were a hundred moments bfore we got to the true-colours wedding experience, but I made excuses. I tried harder, duh! On the wedding day, I so nearly asked my parents to take me back with them - but I didn't. And I still keep doubting myself: did he do all that because I was irritating/unreasonable?? Is he a nice, ordinary bloke really?!

I know this is another form of self-blaming! I need to get over it somehow ... The fact that it's occupying my thoughts probably means I'm on the brink of a breakthrough - I bloody well hope so!!! Argh. Again.

I've got a backlog of East Enders to watch, I may distract myself with a bunch of fictional psychopaths

He did all of that because he was/is an entitled abusive s**t who cares for nothing and no-one except himself,

he did it because he somehow realised that you have a heart as big as a whale and loved him,

he did it because he didn't see you as the beautiful woman that you are but as the object to make him Mr Big and fulfil all his fantasies and then when you didn't just lie down and take it ( because you did and do have a real life woman inside) he PUNISHED you for it.

YOU HAVE DONE YOUR TIME!! you don't need to blame yourself, the things that made you vulnerable to him were NOT YOUR FAULT they came from your background...you were vulnerable because the alternative was to BE the s**t.

I'm still here, taking the abuse and I still think I should be able to try harder, be nicer ,work better and it will be OK: BUT IT WON'T because they are NOT normal nice guys, they are advanced confidence tricksters with A**on emotional blackmail with a dose of physical violence thrown in.

So garlic be proud you realised EVER and got out, and wear those scars (whilst singing the mighty Christina's song) to prove that you are a strong, loving and wonderful woman and YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!

Stops to draw breath after very shouty post

have a [hug]

can't watch EEs myself......cant look at those family dynamics without wanting to crawl under rock!¬!!!!!!

Thank you very much :)

Yes, I have done my time.
So have you!!

You should hear me ranting at the telly - nobody here but the cat, and she thinks I'm ranting at her "Call the police! Why do they never call the police? Oh, because they're soap characters. And soap characters are all personality disordered!"

you were vulnerable because the alternative was to BE the s**t.
Thank you for this, too. It's true. I forget that.

I still think I should be able to try harder, be nicer ,work better and it will be OK: BUT IT WON'T because they are NOT normal nice guys
Well, you know the answer to that. But I know how hard it is to step outside into the cold, clean air. You can't fix him. Even if you could, why should you? You have a life to live, a person to be.

xx

I am tucked up on the sofa with cheddar cheese and biscuits watching Rebecca on DVD. Another frankly abusive film. Joan Fontaine seems to specialise in playing a natural victim.

I however am being kind to myself.

< bursts in late as ever and perspiring heavily under the weight of the cheese bag>

A selection of everyone favourite here plus a variety of posh and plain crackers, onion marmalade, grapes and wines of every colour :)

Sorry to be mowing across everyone else's posts but the first one I read was from garlic and my jaw is slack on the floor at the sheer awfulness of what your life used to be!

I hadn't previously read your history anywhere on here so thank you for sharing - so you might say again garlic but there you are, i for one had no idea.

And STILL the self blame goes on!!!! Not that i mean that in a nasty way, just incredible isn't, the damage these utter wankstains cause us even years down the line.

If it's true that the best revenge is us living our lives post abuse happily and abundantly then that twat is certainly getting his just desserts (sp?) garlic.

He can have his just desserts as long as he leaves the cheese and biscuits to us!

garlic I have seen your very perspicacious and funny posting and have a lot of respect for you. It is a sign of your strength that despite what you have endured your wisdom shines through.

Bibi did you bring any pickles?

ahem, what I also feel compelled to share is that I've finally started to furnish my little house again today (6 odd months after he-twat departed)

I mean, were talking about a couple of cheap and cheerful additions from the designers at Arguuuus but I've just finished putting everything where I want it and then I stood and looked at the room and thought 'so this is me then, huh?, interesting!

Maybe that's why it's taken me so long to start actually choosing things I want in my life (she who bangs on about the luxury of choice )

Tis weird to 'meet' myself still after so many years of having my likes and dislikes prescribed for me by someone else.

Ha ha ha, I was thinking of you just now LittleHouse, as i typed about furnishing my little house - ESP it must be

Being the hostess with the mostess I naturally also brought a wide selection of pickles

Uh I'll have a large glass of whatever grape is going please.
Give me patience.

While I was showering DCs and getting them ready for bed. He went through my coat pocket for my phone. Went through it. Then came in once I had DCs in bed and accusingly asked me was I cheating on him with OM because why did I have a call log to him. ( few texts which were actually to organise something unrelated to our friendship ) So he stormed out white with rage going on about how he was going to do this an that to OM. I sat here heart pounding wondering should I get up for a fag or would that make me look more guilty if he came back in and saw me puffing.
Well I sat here for a few minutes in silence and then I said Well F- This. I got up went out to the kitchen, with laptop, lit up a fag and when he walked back in I sat defiantly there as he stormed around.

He started spouting on about how he couldn't believe I was doing this to him and treating him like this and how bad I was and how I was deranged and we were only rowing and now suddenly I am onto all these other men like I always do when we argue (wtf) I said "you know its a lot more than JUST a row this is going on too long and the straw finally broke the camels back"
So I let him spout on for a bit about how he didnt abuse me I was mad blah blah and I said I was not engaging with him, that I had nothing to say in reply. Then he started saying how I treat him below everyone else. I said "People who respect me get my respect. You don't"
And, then, eventually I just stood up and said "Believe me if I was cheating I'd come right out and say it because it would be the only way to get rid of you"

Less than 5 minutes later. He came in to living room and asked did I want to watch a programme on tv. Commented casually on how warm it was and sat on other end of the couch like that just HADNT happened. Then he said "do you want a cuddle"
WTF-ingF ????????????!!!!!!!!!

Now he has come in three times in last hour to ask do I want anything.

I'll have some of those cornichons please.

I'm very glad you are feeling comfortable in your own home. It is very healing to have things sorted to your satisfaction. It would take a lot for me to allow anyone to interfere in my Little House. Even the Very Nice Man has to go home. He asked if I would be his girlfriend yesterday! And he has invited me to go to Prague for the Christmas Markets. I am inclined to encourage him.

Ah, breakfree the madness of these men is never ending. I am so with you on this one. Sometimes my twat for sulk for days like worzel Gummidge. Sometimes he would act like nothing had happened.
I'd like some cambozola please and a cornish wafer.

I fancy changing my name. Don't know what to though. I am lazy.

Whoa breakfree it sounds as though your time is coming! Enjoy your glass of wine you deserve it!
"He didn't abuse me I was mad blah blah" and there we have it. He won't ever see how his behaviour has contributed to the breakdown in your relationship.

You are nearly free...

Breakfree - oh, so well done you for your responses! My heart was in my mouth until the end of the post and then he backed right off!! That never ceases to amaze me! Just goes to show how pathetic and without power they really are these idiots!

Puts me in mind of an ex who literally terrorised me for 7 long hears and when I finally plucked up courage to leave he was nice as pie, helped me move and everything. What a mind-fuck!

Cambozola and a Cornish wafer eh? We have a connoisseur in our midst's, clearly :)

LittleHouse - too right he has to go home!! No matter how nice the man he can stay living in his own place if i meet anyone. This has been too hard won to give up.

I would say do encourage the Xmas markets idea - they're really lovely and you'll have a blast I'm sure!

hears? years, obv.

I've got some nettle Yarg and Duchy Oatmeal biscuits if anyone would like to try it

I spent 5 hours in the car with my H being tortured over finances as we were splitting up. I was so pathetic I didn't think of jumping out and running away at the motorway services. He just cannot understand why I will never go in a car alone with him again! And when we got home he forgot he had made me cry for hours and cheerily had supper with the kids as if nothing had happened.

I'll have your stinkiest cheese please Bibi, and a large .

I'm loving these songs! I made up a Freedom Mix for my trip to the airport when I made my great escape, and I would have added these if I'd thought of them. Here's another one for the EA Thread Disco :

LittleHouse I'm glad that you're being kind to yourself. (And that VeryNiceMan is joining in.) My heart went out to you reading the post you wrote this morning. What ungrateful sods at your work! For me, part of the legacy of EA is that I'm left a bit raw, and even though I know H is completely bonkers, his treatment of me makes me question myself. So when someone else is being unjustifiably shitty, I look for what I did to 'deserve' it or berate myself for not standing up for myself. But confrontation leaves me a bit shaky these days. I wish I could just shrug and see it as their problem.

Jeez, Garlic that is an awful litany. That is so beyond the pale. And only yesterday you were saying that you had to fight the feeling that he could have had a healthy relationship with anyone else.
I'm really not sure if the little-boy-lost thing is an indicator of a PD. In my case it's younger than that - more along the lines of pre-verbal signals. (Don't know much more than that but I will ask my therapist next time.)

BreakFree that's awful. Designed to make your head spin. You know your life will be so much calmer without him.

FoolontheHill I think you might be married to my H - your description fits him to a tee. On the surface he's Mr Respectable. But of course he's another creature behind closed doors. Since I've left, it's become clear that he's not quite so good at the keeping the mask on as I thought, as none of our mutual friends has doubted my account of things, and apparently there were problems bubbling at his work. It may well be the same with yours. Can you sound anyone out? And FWIW, I think your DCs will thank you in the long run for getting them away from him. ATM my H doesn't have unsupervised access. If he wants to change this he has to go to court and risk his precious reputation, as I will describe all his weird abuse.

Thanks TGTF there were some nice people today who were disgusted at how I had been treated and gave me hugs. It is just a bit unnerving when the same buttons H used to press are being played with. I feel reduced to jelly and close to tears (and if you knew me in RL you would be amazed at that).

The songs are great! Keep it up

can i just wade in?
I really don't want to start another thread of my own, the last one went a bit crazy, about my husband earning a lot of money, and not letting me have a cleaner?
I don't know how to sort this
He won't leave, I have no money.
he stopped me from packing, he stopped me from taking the car.
It was only when I said I would call the police that he backed down.

I went to the GP today, as I have been feeling so anxious
I had a really good chat with a friend, who was quite horrified, but I actually played it down a bit, she's just come out of hospital

He is away on a business trip tonight
I need a counsellor, but also need every penny i can get