Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

But you're already awake iwillbefree - just need to brew a strong coffee and take a deep sniff for that extra bit of courage.

Saving cheese as requested juggling.

Tallyho (it's how dem's talk in dem posh shops)

DON'T BE NO FOOL WHEN LOVE REALLY DON'T LOVE YOU

TGTF yes the nurture me vibes are certainly food for thought!
I was told in my 20s that I had "kind eyes...mother eyes". The woman who told me was a teepee dwelling pagan type and I kind of internally rolled my eyes at the time at the Woo-ness of it all. Nowadays I appreciate what a massive compliment that was and I see how lovely that woman is, how grounded, happy and healthy, still with her husband, with an awesome set of kids.
I wonder if X saw it too?
I really thought I hated him this morning, after DD had another disturbed night. Why TF did I have to pick him? Aaaaargh.
Notsuch at the steak episode. What a wanker.

Thanks juggling, just at work at the moment. Trying not to feel like an idiot for taking him/going back. With that niggling feeling i'm just delaying the inevitable. But at the moment he is being mr nice guy. Almost want him not to be so I can finally see the light. Im walking around with an impending sense of doom but at the moment he is giving me no reason to feel like that I just do.

My head is so screwed at the moment I dont know if I'm Arthur or Martha.

Thanks I'm no company at the moment I know, If I was reading this from the outside I would be saying give your head a shake you miserable c*w!

IWBF xx

MadameO-if only we knew then what we know now.I wish I had had my dc with someone who turned out to be a good guy.But I don't hatedislike him.

Thanks bibi, woke up last night and thought about little doggie, all cosy and safe in a warm bed.

I will cheer up I promise!!

Have a good day everyone

IWBF xx

bells

yes, that line really gets me too

Okay-I do.

Thanks Bibi Maybe we could share the cheese and crackers later and boogie to some tracks - Cheese and wine would go well with 70's disco judging by the tracks requested so far - anyone up for hosting as Youtube DJ ?
( I was born too soon to be up with the technology ! as a 70's teenager myself - hence "young hearts ..." hitting home )

XH keeps attempting to start normal communication between us;I decided that, other than arrangements for dc, I wanted zero to do with him anymore. I think he would like us to have better communication (not just as we have dc) but to cultivate the image he is a good guy. I can't see me, at this stage, ever wanting anything other than the least amount of contact. Had enough of his poison over the years.

www.youclubvideo.com/video/88588/jamelia-no-more

Iwbf - I would be saying give your head a shake you miserable c*w!

Don't use violent language to yourself.
Stop insulting yourself.

See, Bibi said smell the coffee? I'm saying smell the flowers (well, mine are all dead now, but you know what I mean.)

:)

Btw, HOW nice is Mr Nice?

Breakfree- the no-speaking atmosphere was a real killer for me.It was a battle for me to mirror him keeping to the no-talking thing.And the silent treatment was unknown to me before I met him.I hadn't even come across that kind of behaviour at school.I don't know which was worse-the nasty communication/insults/undermining/namecalling or having the silent treatment.At least with the silence,the dc don't hear stuff,but they pick up on the atmosphere.I had a foreboding sense of doom when I heard his key in the lock/used to torment myself as to why he couldn't stop being so hostile/angry with me.But he wouldn't.

I want to join in the sing along....what about 50 ways to leave your lover??

The problem is all inside your head
She said to me
The answer is easy if you
Take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle
To be free
There must be fifty ways
To leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit
To intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning
Won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself
At the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways
To leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

[CHORUS:]
You Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so
To see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do
To make you smile again
I said I appreciate that
And would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both
Just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning
You'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me
And I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways
To leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover?

so why am I still here?.........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paul Simon still rocking it after all these years!!!!!

The fear of leaving the relationship/consequences versus the unhappiness of being in it. If the fear is too large, the unhappiness will be endured?

yes...and the fact that if I leave then the children will be faced with unsupervised contact with a manipulative and unreliable man whilst at the moment i can help and protect them as I am around and know what is going on. because he works away from home from time to time i know I am fine alone so that is not the fear...but I think what happens to them may be and a little bit of what happens to him

also as he is behaving temporarily OK at present am doing a bit of the ostrich thing....as you know I have a ready bucket of sand here prepared for all eventualities!!!!!!

Someone upthread said they almost hoped for some terrible action on his part so she could get on and get rid....feel a lot like that myself ( of course they have already done the terrible things haven't they but not so easy to see your own life for what it is!).

Unhappiness and lack of support for me versus complications for kids...................and therefore me

reading Lundy again and his book on children too!! Speaking to me lots.

Love that song foolonthehill - always have, it's quite witty and light in the circumstances - enjoyed catching a few versions on Youtube this arfo.

Do you find yourself thinking about the ages of your children foth and wondering how long to stay "for the sake of the kids" and when they might be able to cope best with a separation ? Obviously one view is to leave as soon as possible (as in the song ?), but then again I think there's something to be said for taking everyone's feelings and well-being into account - as long as you don't forget to include your own

I hope he continues to behave well. Mine has been lovely since back - but only just home so we'll see how he goes .... ( always worse under stress - as long as we don't try to do anything he can be ok !)

yes, that feeling of the eggshells crunching underfoot...waiting for the next thing..

I'm not sure about the ages thing...with mine by the time the last one would understand the first would be well on the way to finishing high school...i think the thing is they would be so vulnerable in contact and no-one on earth is going to say he has to have supervised contact...he's sooooo charming, educated and looks so fab with the kids (when he wants to!).

It seems so easy to weigh up from the outside, unhappy woman realises in abusive relationship (but mostly EA so not too visible and she has plenty of mind mess due to years of it) looks at it and decides that she would be better out...but ..might not get better once apart....and children have a poor choice of abusive father in house or abusive father out of house.

Once I have sorted myself out a bit more I NEED to have the horrible discussion with him about his behaviour to see if he has any sort of reasonable response (scared), and then feed that into the pro's/cons.

And now I'm cross 'cos whilst we are running everything and supporting them we also have the mind mess, the sleepless nights and the responsibility of making a "good" decision ..

Bit of a vent there!!

Since we're on the subject of good songs for empowering etc.
This is my one.

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again
But I'll break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist, or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in, I refuse

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

love the song...!!!!!!didn't know it was them (Foo Fighters) who recorded it. Thx!

Oh and my ultimate. For all the girls with FIGHT in them.

When I get out. This is what I'll sing. I quite like it on full blast just to annoy him too.

Fighter lyrics
Songwriters: Aguilera, Christina; Storch, Scott;

After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
'Cause you made that much stronger

Well I thought I knew you
Thinking that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust called your bluff
Time is up, 'cause I've had enough

You were there by my side
Always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out in shame, mmm hmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that
I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong

'Cause if it wasn't for all
That you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in on a good thing
Before I'd realized your game

I heard you're going 'round
Playin' the victim now
But don't even begin feelin' I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Guess you're wanting to hurt me
But that won't work anymore
No more, uh uh, it's over

'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
( From: www.elyrics.net/read/c/christina-aguilera-lyrics/fighter-lyrics.html )
I wouldn't know how to be this way now
And never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I know
Turn out to be unjust so cruel?
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth

You tried to hide your lies
Disguise yourself through
Living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter
(I'm a fighter)
I ain't gonna stop
(I ain't gonna stop)
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget
But I, I remember
Yes I remember
I'll remember

Thought I would forget
But I remember
Yes I remember
I'll remember

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

And that concludes my posting for the moment as I'm in the middle of cooking dinner.

Me too..chicken biriyani anyone????????