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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well the parenting book didnt prepare me for this...

84 replies

stressedout48 · 21/09/2011 23:58

In a very tricky situation at the moment, DD1 went out with her first boyfriend for just over two years before breaking up 4 years ago, he was clearly her first love, first everything really and they have remained very close since, as he has with our whole family. However DD1 has happened to come across information informing her that DD3 is now seeing her ex boyfriend (who is 5years older than DD3, who is 17).

I have literally no idea what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:03

Namechanged for this by the way

OP posts:
maypole1 · 22/09/2011 00:08

Well you need to make it clear that dating snogging or seeing your sisters exs is not on even if they have been finished for years, to be honest I surprised that your dd3 dose not know this already

This will cause a family rift they will end up fighting you and oh will choose sides I mean what's she planing to do bring him round for a family dinner with your younger daughter their

And personally I would go and see his parents and let them know what shadiness he is up to

This is so wrong on every level and I think your girls really need a lesson on family loyalty

I don't normally go in for demanding boyfriends be got rid off as I think bad ones normally phase out but this has the potential to destroy your daughters relationship and your whole family

Nip this in the bud

Ps make it clear she shouldn't be seeing friends exs either.

chicletteeth · 22/09/2011 00:08

That really sucks.
I don't know what you could do.
But that said, I think your DD3 should consider her actions very carefully and you should advise her to do so.

mamas12 · 22/09/2011 00:10

oh shit.
How does dd1 feel about it and how did she find out?
Are you worried that the ex is just trying to go out with dd1 by proxy so to speak by going out with dd3? Are they very similar?
Have you spoken to either dd3 or the ex?
I don't have it in my manuel either but mine is useless!

Original poster
stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:13

I havent actually seen her since she found out, by coincidence, neither party informed her, I know she is upset by this and when she told me, it was rather sprung on me and unfortunately my response was "Its not DD3's fault he's your ex".

He seemed like such a nice lad

OP posts:
KatieMiddleton · 22/09/2011 00:14

Do you need to do anything? DD3 is 17 so unless v immature is old enough to manage a relationship. You like him and you know him. It could be worse.

I think your problem is going to be how your DD1 feels about this.

KatieMiddleton · 22/09/2011 00:16

Sorry that came across as very blunt. I think you need to have a chat with DD3 to find out why she kept it secret as a starter.

cantspel · 22/09/2011 00:19

I will probably be the only one to take this view but i cant see why it has to be a big problem.
Your dd1 and him split up 4 years ago and remained friends so clearly he is a nice lad. DD3 would have only been 13 when they split up so it is very unlikely she even remembers much of him as dd1 boyfriend and sees him more as just a friend of dd1.

Original poster
stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:20

I will be honest, I am not actually the mother in this, I am DD1. I came on here to see if other mothers would find me unreasonable and ridiculous to be totally and utterly horrified and crushed by this, i dont want him back, but he is my first love and i just cannot deal with this. I just need some advice off some mothers, please, i feel i can't talk to my mum as i feel she always takes my sisters side as she is the youngest and when i was visably horrified and told her she said it wasnt my sisters fault he was my ex and best friend. Whose is it then?

It makes me sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
maypole1 · 22/09/2011 00:22

Katie if you don't know why someone who is dating her sisters ex would keep it a quite then you need a talking to as well

BECAUSE IT'S WRONG

Its just not done personally I wouldn't want my daughter to be that kind of women my sister is like that a bit any friend she gets ends up seeing their ex she has in her 20 s moved on to married men

At 17 she is on the cusp of who she is going to be she is a young adult and still your job to guide her

Deep down I know this is not who you want her to be the girl who shagged her sisters ex

All the moments they should and could have could be ruined over this one mistake and it is a mistake

cantspel · 22/09/2011 00:23

He doesn't have to stop being your best friend just because he is now going out with your sister.

Why does it make you sick to your stomach? He is clearly a ok guy or he wouldn't be your best friend

Original poster
stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:24

Maypole. That is exactly how i feel

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:25

He took my virginity, and now he is going to take my little sisters? He didnt, and neither did she have the balls to tell me. A friend who saw them together had to. They both know i know, neither have spoken to me about it.

OP posts:
TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 22/09/2011 00:25

What's your relationship usually like with your sister OP?

Any chance that part of the attraction is knowing it would upset you?

maypole1 · 22/09/2011 00:27

cantspel wonder how you will feel if you split up with your oh and your sister then picks up your slack

Just because your young it dose not mean your feelings are non in void and in my view it's not really about the boy its about things you just don't do and sleeping with a sister or a close friends ex when their are 30million men in the uk alone to choose from

But its just my view always very dubious of women who would do that to their own kin

KatieMiddleton · 22/09/2011 00:27

Hmm Maypole. Who rattled your cage?

Op, as I said it's how DD1 (or as you have now outed yourself, you in this case) feel that would be of concern to me. Really I think you need to talk to both of them to find out why they kept it from you. The deceit would get to me more than anything.

You don't want him back do you?

Original poster
stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:28

I think it might be, she is very immature, we dont have a paticularly strong relationship. I had hoped this would change. I just cannot even imagine what is going through her mind. I cannot sit at a table with them How is this even going to work?

OP posts:
RecRub · 22/09/2011 00:29

You seem to be very across parlance on this site for a 17 year old posting in distress.

Original poster
stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:30

I dont want him back, but he has always been that one special person to me, and me to him, or so i thought. He was my first love and I cannot sit there and physically watch him with my younnger sister, it is just wrong

OP posts:
RecRub · 22/09/2011 00:30

If you are for real. Then inform your parents that a 17 yo is dating a 12yo. That is statutory rape if they have sex.

cantspel · 22/09/2011 00:30

He didn't take your viginity. You gave it to him (unless he raped you).

maybe they didn't want to tell you until they knew that they want to pursue a serious relationship? or maybe they didn't want to tell you as they know you wouldn't like it and they want to be sure they want to pusue a relationship before going public with it.

Original poster
stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:31

I'm not 17, i'm 22. I occassionally come on the site as i enjoy the feminist pages etc

OP posts:
cantspel · 22/09/2011 00:32

RecRub i read it as the ex being 5 years older than the sister and the sister is 17 so the boy is 22

maypole1 · 22/09/2011 00:32

KatieMiddleton sorry Kate a bit strong but I just think that is so shady

RecRub · 22/09/2011 00:34

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