Well the parenting book didnt prepare me for this...

[stressedout48]

In a very tricky situation at the moment, DD1 went out with her first boyfriend for just over two years before breaking up 4 years ago, he was clearly her first love, first everything really and they have remained very close since, as he has with our whole family. However DD1 has happened to come across information informing her that DD3 is now seeing her ex boyfriend (who is 5years older than DD3, who is 17).

I have literally no idea what to do.

I do find it odd when a man works his way through the female members of a family, gradually moving to the younger women as his original dates get older.

However, if everyone involved is certain that he is a genuinely nice guy and not at all creepy, then I think the OP has to find ways of genuinely accepting the situation.

I suspect your friends are mirroring your own horror back to you - because they know that this is what you want them to do.

This seems to be about your poor relationship with your sister - if it was good then you'd be delighted that your ex was seeing her after a decent 4 year gap

Well this was never going to end well was it?

Its your little sister.

I think it is just bloody bad luck ...nothing more I am afraid.

I wouldn't want my little sister to take up with my first boyfriend,but there is dammed all you can possibly do about it.

Its not easy ,and I have sympathy for you ...don't think you can put a stop to it though -or insist your sister and your first play this any differently.

Try to play it cool, with any luck it might just fizzle out!

Oh,and don't let your sis know your true feelings right:)

It's not right.. I am a younger sister & at that age would never have gone out withy sister's ex. The boy is probably looking to go out with 'you' again really. It's a shame that your friendship will probably not survive thus but first loves are often better as memories anyway. You should try to explain your true feelings with mum; I suspect sister is too immature to care

He sounds like a creep for going out with your sister - I mean, he watched her grow up and knew her as a 12 year old. As you say she is spiteful, she is probably doing it on purpose and beware her doing this over and over. Unfortunately, the best thing to do is understand that the trust has been damaged and keep your distance from both of them. They have shown you no cobsideration or respect as if this was a genuine falling in love scenario they should have told you, they shouldn't think it is ok to sneak
Around.

He is no friend to do this and she sounds nasty. Keep away.

I think you need to distance yourself and just live with it I'm afraid. While the fact They are a couple is understandably distressing, it's the hiding it from you that is the worst thing. From what you say of your sister, she has hurt you before, and if she is indeed the sort of person who would do this to hurt you, the relationship is unlikely to last, and you will see your sister for the person she is. Some sisters are not nice and loving as I see daily proof on here.
If it is that they have a true attraction for each other, and the relationship becomes a long term one, you may become more accustomed in time and feel better able to deal with it and move on. I had a first love at 17 and while I can now look back 19 years on and be pragmatic about it, it took me a good 8 years to truly move on, even though I had relationships with others in the mean time. I also had a rocky relationship with my sisters in my 20s we have a long age gap between the three of us, and we were just different people at that time. Now we are all in our 30s we have a lot more in common and have a very good relationship with each other, so things can change as you get older, hoping this is the case for you as having siblings to support you is a great thing ime.

I don't see what the problem is (apart from the fact that he seems a bit odd). You split up 4 years ago. Move on. My exDP got together with a very close friend of mine a few weeks after we split up. It didn't bother me at all - why should it? It's like saying, well, I don't want him, but no-one else who knows me can have him either.

And then there was Alan Clark, who did the mother too.... ( ie it can be worse)

OP the old saw is all is fair in love and war, and you and he were history a long time ago so you have no veto now.

It's not nice for you I'm sure, she may be toying with him, they may be soulmates, who knows.....but you have to rise above it all. I haven't faced this issue as a parent, but I certainly wouldn't interfere (even if I wasn't happy) as that would make it worse.

I can understand why you would feel upset and betrayed, the thought of a man I had been in a serious relationship with, who I had been intimate with in body and mind, and then over the years developed a deep friendship with, to whom I had probably confided in and who knew the dynamics of my family and relationships, suddenly taking up with teenage baby sister! I wouldn't be upset, I'd be fucking furious.

From the sounds of if OP, your sister probably feels exactly the same way you did when you fell in love with him as a teen, you know how intense and blinded you can be at that age, there may be an element of jealousy and competition between you and your sister, but do you think that this is something calculated? Chances are probably not, chances are your sister is over the moon because her childhood crush is interested in her.

I would focus my anger on someone who had assumed the role of best friend who deceived and betrayed our friendship, not a little girl who is in love for the first time, just be there to support her, try not to be bitter or angry, let her know you were really disappointed that they didn't let you know, that you feel uncomfortable, but if they are happy then you are happy, and then keep your distance and wait it out.

What you do now is going to determine how they proceed in this relationship for the immediate future, reacting badly will push them closer together, who knows, this could be it for them, and would you really want to deny either of them that?

You sound like a caring person who has been hurt, that is fine, you are entitled to feel that way, just don't show them that.

Aw, OP, I really feel for you

I had a similar situation when I was about your age..first love, broke up but still great friends, then one of my closest friends slept with him on a drunken night out. It was really, really horrible. I was gutted at both of them, but more so him, I suppose. I had always assumed we might end up getting back together one day. (Did you feel like this about your ex?)

All the folk telling you to move on and that your sis and ex can do what they like- well it's more complex than that, isn't it? You know that logically you have no 'right' to feel upset but you simply can't help it.

I kept my true feelings to myself in my situation for a good while. Ex knew he had cocked up. He eventually begged my forgiveness one night a few months later and by then I wasn't so hurt anymore and could look at things logically, so we were fine in the end.

If I was you, I would lean on my friends for support and try to avoid your sis and ex until you feel a bit calmer. I know it's hard to avoid your sis, but at least try not to see them together. I would however let her know, quietly, that you're feeling hurt by her actions and a bit weirded out by it all, but not the full extent of your feelings.

Sorry you're going through this. It sucks.

It's gross. There's no excuses...you just don't sleep with sisters. It's far to Jerry Springer.

OP I think you should tell your sister she''s being disgusting. I would.

OP don't be scared off by the troll hunters. Mumsnet is a lovely place most of the time!

(I'm 23 and I'm a long term mner)

Anyway, there isn't really a lot you can do and I speak from experience. When I was 15 my boyfriend was 18 and he cheated on me, so I ended it and it turns out he was seeing my MUM! Either you relax and get on with it, or you let it ruin your life. I chose to ignore, didn't expect them to marry and have 3 kids though but now I have a wonderful fiance and two young children of my own and I'm far far happier than them.

One word. Karma.

My sister did this to me, albeit 10 years later, it caused a hell of an argument and eventually he proved himself the cad he always was and his actions and my hurt destroyed their relationship.

It really is horrible.

Jj your MUM!!! See OP, it could be worse....

I am at the way the tone changed when people realised it was DD1 they were talking to!

stressedout, I think a lot of this is about your sister, and the fact that the relationship you'd hoped to forge with her, is not going to happen. You'd hoped to be closer, and she's just done something to make that much harder, not easier. Which isn't to say it will never happen.

But... it strikes me she is very jealous of you. And insecure. You had something very important to you (ok yes, you'd broken up, but his role in your family was through you and to be a confidant / big brother figure) and she's taken it for her own. There is nothing you can do about this. I'm very sorry. They probably won't last because I suspect she's chosen him because of what he is to you, rather than because she really wants him.

I would never have done this to my older sisters and it speaks volumes about your sister as a person. And we didn't get on particularly well either. The best thing to do is act like you don't care and remain friendly with him because that's the surest thing to drive a wedge between them.

Perhaps a few comments about finding it a little strange that he's dating child but great that she got her crush in the end. Yiu have to say it with a smile and only donit if you can do it without sounding bitchy or all your good wOrl will be undone.

Not telling you about it is incredibly insensitive, if they really had strong feelings they couldn't resist I reckon they should have the empathy to talk to you about it when it happened, rather than ignoring your feelings altogether - quite obviously you were going to have emotions about it and although you don't have the right to veto it, it would have been the sensitive thing to do.

Also your mum's behaviour is very unsupportive of you. Have you talked more to her about it yet?

I feel for you, Stressedout, it must be a really unpleasant situation to be in, where emotion overides logic a bit. I'd feel betrayed I think.

This happened with my 2 SILs. SIL2 started seeing SIL1's ex.
The major difference, though, was that our family sided strongly with SIL1 and made sure that SIL2 and the ex voth knew that we all thought that she was being inappropriate and he was being creepy.

In fact when she brought him along to a family dinner one night, there was the most fabulous flurry of jokes at thier expense. My MIL asked if she was next on the list etc etc

I feel very sorry for you if you are not getting any support in this situation. Have you asked him what's wrong with your middle sister?

I don't like the phrase "he took my virginity, and now he's going to take my little sister's".

Do you mean that you were pressured into having sex when you weren't ready and you're worried that he will do the same to your sister? Or were you two people of legal age who wanted to have sex together? In which case, why is it a problem if your sister does this too? She's not a child, she's older than you were when you started this apparently very serious relationship.

If you think (as you implied in later posts) that your sister is somehow doing this partially to try to prove something to you, then the best reaction is no reaction, if she's trying to wind you up and it's not working then she'll soon get bored and move on.

i understand that you're upset and why but i think that you have to get over it because you can't control two other people (even if one is your sister) and unless everybody marries their first love and stays together forever then in a small community there has to be some element of going out with other friends and family members ex-s.
i lived in a small community as a young person (18-21) and we had to learn to let go if a relationship didn't work out, because if we didn't date people who'd been with our closest friends/siblings then we'd have nobody else to date!
ultimately i think the learning to let go has been really good for me, i hated it at the time, but looking back, it's a good thing in the long run.

While I agree that he is fair game now, given that 4 years have passed, I would wonder what he is getting out of this. Does he still have feelings for you, and is transferring them onto your sister? If so, will she eventually find that he has settled for second best and is hankering for his first love? I would think that your sister would want to be loved in her own right, not because she is in your shadow. First love is a very powerful thing.

Also, this is a very easy relationship for him - he was loved by your family and probably felt really positive about that, and wants to step in where he left off.

I would question his motives for wanting this relationship.

As a question for your sister, you might want to tell her that its really important that she is loved for who SHE is, not who she is related to, and that if she has any doubts about who this man actually loves, she should end it before everyone gets hurt. Regardless of your relationship with him or her, she needs to be certain that he loves her, not a reflection of you.

And of course he will deny it, tell her she is so much more than you yada yada yada, but ultimately she has to be certain that its her she wants.

Also, she will be acting on a teenage crush she had on him when she was 12/13 and you guys were still together. Her feelings for him will be complicated and overly romanticised because of his relationship with you.

However, if you try and force them apart, you will drive them closer together. I think you will have to accept that they are together and just caution her as above.

My take, FWIW:

• HE is being a bit of a sleaze

• SHE is being a bit of a copy-cat

• YOU need to stop trying to hang on to someone you broke up with four yes FOUR years ago

I'm wondering what relationships the ex has had in the meantime? Is he stuck on OP and not really moved on, or is he stuck on 17 year olds?

Or is it a case of he's moved on in life, had other girlfriends, and it is just co-incidence that he has now taken up with the younger sister.

Because the last option is just a bit embarrassing, whereas the others make him seem quite creepy at best.

I had a close friend at college who split up with her boyfriend and got together with his older brother not long after. It was rather awkward to say the least but that second relationship lasted a lot longer than the first so I think despite the younger sibling's (in this case) hurt, it was a genuine attraction to the other.

In fact I now realise I know of at least four cases of female friends being involved, one way or another, with more than one brother! (Never simultaneously!) Similarly, I've dated exes of close friends, and felt the pain of a recent ex (who I was still in love with) getting cosy with another friend although not a close one.

And I've been in somewhat compromising positions with older people who knew me as 'a kid'.

We're all still friends years later. It wasn't always easily and I'm sure there was a lot of looking the other way but we made it.

So, anecdote is not data but ... it might feel very wrong to you and some others but there are many perfectly functional otherwise normal people who don't find it so wierd. The 'rules' about exes you mention aren't invariant and known to all, some people don't consider them off-limits to close friends/family and on that basis alone, I can see logical reasons why your family might not side with you on this. (Even if they agree with you.)

I think the best way to handle it is to explain that you are uncomfortable with it - because she was so young when they met, because you and he were so intimate - and ask them to behave with some tact, and your family likewise.

If the issue is really your sister then an honest chat there about the wider issues would possibly help?

And possibly one way to think about it: what if this is real? What if they could be happy together for a long long time? Are you really going to ask them to give that up?

IMO YABU. They are both over the age of consent and your splitting up happened years ago. If it were last month I think you would have a case for being narked. But four years ago?
Also, as others have said, 'took your virginity'. The way you phrased that sounds Victorian or as if you were forced.
Where have you gone BTW?