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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Well the parenting book didnt prepare me for this...

84 replies

stressedout48 · 21/09/2011 23:58

In a very tricky situation at the moment, DD1 went out with her first boyfriend for just over two years before breaking up 4 years ago, he was clearly her first love, first everything really and they have remained very close since, as he has with our whole family. However DD1 has happened to come across information informing her that DD3 is now seeing her ex boyfriend (who is 5years older than DD3, who is 17).

I have literally no idea what to do.

OP posts:

cantspel · 22/09/2011 00:35

maypole this was a first love relationship between teenagers and after 4 years i would have hoped i would have moved on and not cared.

M0naLisa · 22/09/2011 00:36

How old are you op? Is this bloke same age as you? there 4 years between me and dh. I was 19 when I met him, he was 24 (had his 24th birthday month before I met him, mine was the following month).

I think you need to speak to your sister ans your mum, tell them wgat youve told us here. Is your mum a mner?

Original poster

stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:36

I am not 17. I am 22. I didnt know that you could only use a website if you were 30+ and had children. Sorry for wanting advice

OP posts:

RecRub · 22/09/2011 00:37

So your sister is 17 and he is 22?

If they want to have sex/be in a relationship/go out, what exactly can you do to stop this?

Nothing.

They are adults. You need to stop obsessing over him. He's not with you anymore.

KatieMiddleton · 22/09/2011 00:38

Erm, RecRub the OP's sister is 17 years old. The ex-boyf is 22 years old, as is OP.

Anyhoo OP, I think you need to speak to both of them and clear the air. You naturally feel betrayed that two people you're close to kept their relationship from you but really you can't dictate who either of them see.

Even if it is a bit yukky to some of us.

cantspel · 22/09/2011 00:38

I think RecRub has got the wrong end of the stick

stressedout and ex are both 22 and the sister is 17.

no one is 12

M0naLisa · 22/09/2011 00:38

Hang on, yoir sister Is 12? I got the I'mpression she was 17 and boyfriend t years old bur again wasn't sure.
If ypur sister Is 12 is he going to wait 4yrs to sleep with her.

KatieMiddleton · 22/09/2011 00:39

Some of us are not quite 30 thank you!

cantspel · 22/09/2011 00:39

oh to be 30 again

M0naLisa · 22/09/2011 00:39

Sorry x post

M0naLisa · 22/09/2011 00:40

25yr old so getting close to 30 after my birthday in nov lol

RecRub · 22/09/2011 00:41

You broke up 4 YEARS AGO.

Yes, it's hard, but people can't help who they are attracted to/get on with and so on.

You need to move on a bit. It will be very hard if he dates your sister. But again. What can you do about it?

Mona, why should she speak to her mum about it? It's not a squabble over a toy. It's two adults choosing to date each other. What is their mum going to do?

Jump in and shout "NO. You are not allowed to play together because your sister broke up with him 4 years ago"

Original poster

stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:43

I have mood on, but there are certain unwritten rules about ex's. You wouldnt get with you best friend's ex, why would your sister's be ok?

OP posts:

Original poster

stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:43

moved on*

OP posts:

RecRub · 22/09/2011 00:43

And yes, I'm sorry, I did get it the wrong way round earlier, but I see it now with regards to their ages.

Whatmeworry · 22/09/2011 00:44

It's all very emotional I'm sure, but at the end of the day you didn't want him anymore but your sister does. They are keeping it from you because they don't know how to break it gently I suspect.

empirestateofmind · 22/09/2011 00:44

I have two teenage girls and I think that my DD1 would be distraught if this happened to her.

I would be very unhappy too- but I would know that I couldn't go barging in and forbid DD2 and the BF to see each other.

I would be hoping and waiting for the relationship to finish.

In fact I will talk to them both about the OP's situation this evening and see what their reaction is.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 22/09/2011 00:44

I know it must be upsetting for you OP.

I'm not sure though, what the advice is you are seeking.

It seems like there are two issues that have been brought together here.

First and most obvious, your sister and your ex. But also your relationship with your mother and the way she reacted.

You say you want to know how other mothers would react when faced with the situation your Mum is dealing with.

I think her reaction was quite odd. Almost as though she were blaming you for dating him first when you should have known your sister might want him later.

If you think your sister is doing this in part to get at you then I think the best way to react is calmly. Tell them that you don't want to cause a fuss but that you need a little time to get used to the idea of them as a couple and distance yourself a bit, especially from your ex.

This might be hard if you and your sister both still live at home, but try. It takes away drama and the excitement of seeing him behind your back.

cantspel · 22/09/2011 00:46

sorry but after 4 years all exes are fair game for anyone who is interested.

4 weeks/months would be a no no but after 4 years everyone should have moved on.

fortyplus · 22/09/2011 00:46

RecRub - you haven't read it properly... the younger sister is currently 17 and the boy is 5 years older ie 22. The older sister (ie the OP) is also 22.

Iteotwawki · 22/09/2011 00:46

Some of us are well past 30!

OP - I can understand you feeling awkward about it.
But (there is always a but!).

He is your ex. For whatever reason, 4 years ago, the relationship you had finished. You went on to work out a new relationship (friendship).

Now you have to work out another new adjustment to that relationship.

You are both very young. For what it's worth, I dated a fab man for a couple of years (lived with him for one of them) and when we split I would have so loved him to start dating my sister. Because he is a lovely guy, and I love my sister - and I didn't love him (nor he me, hence the split).

I wonder if you have a few unresolved feelings from your past history.

ZhenXiang · 22/09/2011 00:48

YANBU -

Your sister should know that an ex especially your first and one so close to you is off limits. Where is her loyalty? Maybe she is jealous of you and this is a way of her getting one up. Or as you say she is quite immature so could be unaware of the odd nature of his interest. Your sister is most at fault here as she knows how much this will hurt you.

I find it very disturbing that your ex who would have known your sister as a 11 year old child when he was already an adult now wants to date her 4 years on. Being so close to your family surely he should have a sort of older brother view with regard to her?

They have not told you because it is wrong.

Original poster

stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:48

I think i just want some advice on how to approach this with my family, my sister and I do not have a good relationship, i find her spiteful and disrespectful at the best of times, and my mother for an easy life will side with her continously. I just cannot get my head around it, all my friends are as horrified as I, but at home I just feel very very alone

OP posts:

Original poster

stressedout48 · 22/09/2011 00:50

He was like a big brother to her, that is how we have all seen him for the past five years

OP posts:

KatieMiddleton · 22/09/2011 00:54

I think the big brother comment shows your perception of the situation. It is likely it's not your sister's.

If you make a fuss you could end up pushing them together. Try to be grown-up about this and put it behind you. If it's genuine (and let's face it, she's 17 so unlikely to be) then they'll stay together. If it's not based on anything real then they'll eventually split.

Bide your time and behave graciously. Let your mother worry about your sister.

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