The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Blowing Away The Booze In The Autumn Breeze.

[Mouseface]

Hello.

Welcome to The Brave Babes Battle Bus.

I'm mouse and I have an abusive relationship with alcohol. I can't have just the one drink, ever.

I'm not alone here, there are Babes who are sober and have been for some time, Babes who are still drinking and trying their best to stop or cut down and then there are Babes who aren't ready to stop drinking. Yet.

So, why not come and say hi?

No judgy pants allowed on here I'm afraid, cakes and cheeses are!

And for those who want to know a bit more about the Bus, HERE is our journey so far.

saf that salad dressing sounds amazing. Am making a note!

And on socialising....

Well I am one of the shy ones. I'm not the life and soul of the party when I'm sober, and I can find social events dull, boring, excruciatingly painful, and sometimes good fun. In common with many shy people I'm a people pleaser - I want to say the right thing to them, I want to keep them happy, because I want them to like me, and I worry that if I say something to upset them, then they'll get pissed off with me, and they won't like me and won't give me any attention. I've been a people pleaser from a very young age, I've had lots of practice and I'm very good at it . I often put other people's needs above my own, not because I am wonderful and kind and selfless, but because my greater need is that they like me.

However, with a few glasses of wine, the anxiety that people won't like me diminishes and I can worry less and be more outgoing and confident. I can make the witty remarks that would have previously been left unsaid, I can be in the limelight in the conversation without feeling exposed or vulnerable. So it all sounds good? Well no, not really. That might be OK if I stopped at half a glass, or maybe one glass. But I didn't. And ceasing to be a people pleaser meant that I said what I wanted to. Oh yes it was witty and ascerbic and cutting, and the people I was with would laugh, but it was also cruel, bourn our of years of shy observation, it was unkind. And I didn't feel vulnerable but I certainly made myself vulnerable - by disclosing too much, by being out of control, by not keeping other people's trusted secrets. And at the end of the evening, I may have had a riotous time, but I didn't actually like myself very much.

Thanks mouse You are a sweetie to host such a lovely friendly bus
And that soup's just what I needed to get going on a bright but slightly chilly autumn day !

I am having a ham and hummus wrap. and low fat biscuits. sorry saf not keen on prawns.

will try it in the delicates cycle. its more than problematic, its horrific. Even DD was repelled by it and ran off yelling stinky! juggling - I am more than happy for you to blame stink cushion on someone else. Although, I swear 50% of my posts about DD are of this nature.

Mouse she is pretty accident free at night now except when I am stupid let her drink three cups of milk before bedtime...

Welcome juggling you seem to have joined on a particulary prolific posting day!!
Take a pew and enjoy the soup.
Actually I feel like I am watching tennis, with the ball being battered backwards and forwards.
Am liking the debate though.
Tis reminding me how much my thinking on things has changed. I also used to be suspicious of those "wierd" people who could have 1 or 2 glasses of wine. Or even a soft drink. What I have realised is, that I was so deeply uncomfortable in my own skin, that I could not believe myself to be worthy of attention or company sober .
I did not seek the company of sober or normal drinkers, I spent drinking time with people who drank like me, when I wasn't drinking solo (which in the end was most of the time). I limited my options by drinking, and tended to be drawn to people who drank like me, which further limited me.

venus you are so eloquent. I have missed you.

And somebody, several pages back asked about hypnosis to help with drinking.... I tried this a couple of times. The thing with hypnosis is that it can not over-ride your subconscious mind, so hypnosis can not make anyone do anything that deep down they do not feel safe doing or do not want to do.

As mouse often says, all of things we suggest on here and try and make work for ourselves, work best if / when we really WANT to do something about our drinking. So the first time I tried hypnosis, I sorted of wanted to get more control but tbh NO WAY did I want to stop drinking. And yes hypnosis did help me, for a while. But I think that eventually my greater unconscious desire was to feel the 'high' of being drunk, and it wasn't long before I was back where I started. However I do feel that I'm in a different place now. I WANT to be sober. I have used hypnosis and I think it helps to reinforce the kind of behaviours I want to have and it helps me to plans appropriate tactics and make the kind of choices that I want to make.

I think that the Allan Carr book is a bit the same - if you really, really want to stop, then it can be a useful aid / tool. It also uses some hypnotic langauge patterns and autosuggestion, and linguistic approaches which will reinforce non-drinking behaviours - but again only if that is what you really intend to do.

very eloquent. that was a really honest insightful post venus and touched some kind of nerve with me that i need to think about ....

Gaah! I've missed so much, and could have really done with the busyness this morning.

Fabulous posts venus

Yes jesuswhatnext, to clarify, I am someone with long standing issues with alcohol. I do want to stop however. I just find the idea of life without alcohol overwhelming and have been voicing some of the reasons for this. I've found some of the responses really helpful in seeing that there is life after booze.

I don't feel myself to be a good relationship prospect because of my issues with alcohol (the danger of relapse is ever present) and I would prefer not to date someone else with alcohol issues. I have given my reasons for this. They are perfectly valid as far as I'm concerned.

Incidentally I did actually live with a tee-totaller for 6 years.

I can see some people have decided not to engage with this conversation any more. That's fine. Lots of peoples response to having their world view challenged is to stick their fingers in their ears. You might find what I have to say and how I'm feeling difficult, but as far as I'm concerned that says more about you than it does about me.

Good afternmoon babes,

I wanted to say hello, although I can't contribute or help anyone re: the ongoing conversation. I have been married for 23 years , and my excessive drinking was always done at home, not, of course that makes it any better, worse, really.

Although looking back on social situations, I may not have counted my social drinking as excessive, but, I'm sure I shifted a lot more than most people, and I always worried the next day. Hmm, that makes my first paragraph a lie, doesn't it, don't know where I'm going with this.....

Anyway, went swimming this morning, have read the admin rules for a test that I have to write a report on, for Friday, rung Dh and asked if I can do it (the test ) on him tonight, and am just about to go to the post office, and send DC2 a totally uneccessary package of magazines and chocolate. Feeling better today .

Love to all
xxx

the dressing is lovely. it turns salad into a delicious, moreish, savoury treat imho. also very nice when you serve it with very simply cooked fish - i've been having it with steamed salmon a lot.

sorry mouse, i just can't be eating empty carbs at present. just throw some fish at me a few times a day and i'll be grand.

Apologies for my lengthy posts and for brain-dumping my thoughts about drinking. I've been away for a few days in the company of 'normal' drinkers, but they were on holiday so they were probably drinking more than usual (although still nothing near to the levels I used to drink ). And i think that I need to reinforce things for myself.

Incidently I don't talk much about my drinking except on here. I have all kinds of phrases that I use when I'm offered a drink, but they're nearly all about why I'm not drinking 'at the moment' - maybe a headache, maybe because I'm hot, or thirsty, or just fancy a coke, or I'm not drinking much at the moment, or I'm off the sauce for a couple of weeks. I have told hardly anyone that I'm an alcoholic. Still after all this time, I'm scared that one day I will want to give in to having a drink, and someone else will prevent me from having it, that someone else will say 'oh you're an alcoholic, a soft drink for you' and I'll feel so resentfull and contrary and stubborn that I'll just go right ahead and have a drink to show them that I can do whatever I like. Mad-ness.

Like a seal Saf?

Hello thurso xx

MIFLAW glad you're back, listening to you really helps me learn something more about myself
venus glad you're back too, as I get so much from what you write
MsGee sounds like DD has responded really quickly - tho it might not feel like it to you - I wash all sorts of things on the 'handwash' cycle, seems to work!
Mouse is it non lumpy tomato soup? (I probably have texture issues) I bet it smells wonderful.

I don't think this is really about dating (but I am going to come back to it if that's ok). I think - as someone said above and now I can't find it - but maybe bafana? sAf? - rather than being about dating this is about how we will find something, anything as a reason why we are either not alcoholics, not going to stop, can't get through or don't really have that much of a problem anyway. For many of us it wasn't dating. I've hear people say 'how will I get through birthdays/ NYE?' at practically their first meeting and it wasn't really that for me either. For me it was how do I live through the black and lonely relentlessness of single parenting and working full time without a bit of oblivion to turn my head off so I don't have to see how low my self esteem is and how I'm drowning in self pity. It was normal days that were the problem, I would moderate or abstain on social occasions and nights out. And grief, but I covered that yesterday and I'm getting bored of my own voice now. Self pity remains my Achilles heel, but things are less black and lonely (though still relentless).

Personally, I don't think you can have a meaningful relationship with a drinking alcoholic. I'm following what's been suggested to me and have no intention of any sort of relationship until I'm through Step 9 because, although I don't like being told what to do, doing things my way has not had a good track record for success, so maybe doing things another way might. But I think recovering alcoholics - who can and will deal with resentments, express feelings, and accept life on life's terms - have a lot about them that is attractive. And no, of course I don't I do but it needs to not be in my thoughts as it's not time have someone in mind. Hmm, I'm only human and have told my sponsor.

MYODD

I am more than willing to engage on this topic with you.

But I do think you're wrong and being short-sighted.

I don't mean to be rude, but it's a bit like asking children what they want to be when they grow up. They will often say something which we, as adults, know is unrealistic, unwise, even foolish, because, until they get a bit older, they don't know what all the options are, or how they will feel about them.

A lot of the issues around living with a non-drinker (sorry, I hate the word teetotaller, reminds me of all the things I try not to be) depend on why the person is not drinking, how well it's going, how long it's been ... I think it's impossible to make a blanket decision.

To return to Robbie Williams, is he outside your house now knocking on the door? Because if not, this decision really doesn't need to be made just yet. Why don't you make a decision, instead, that YOU are going to address YOUR situation and will try to avoid serious relationships with ANYBODY, sober, drunk or in between, until your head has cleared a bit? Then you can make decisions based on fact and experience rather than just on ideas you think might be true but have yet to test.

to MYODD that last post was uncalled for IMO. We are only trying to help and understand you/your drinking habits.

hey thurso - i think the package is lovely

how did you manage being around drinking on holiday venus? was it ok?

yes mouse - like a seal - they are very reminiscent of my figure at the minute

Yes noteven smooth as silk with a gorgeous sheen to it.

No worries Saf - will stock up on Salmon, what else?

myodd you're on a thread that is about supporting people not drinking or trying to stop drinking or cut down etc. basically a thread for people with alcohol problems. it's supportive - not about attacking people or putting drinkers down.

it's really quite simple.

prawns, mussels, lobster, squid, cod, etc.

Happy birthday to isindie for yesterday - sounds like you're doing well

Big compassionate wave to my friend thurso. I am also sending food parcels to dd - the kind of things she won't be able to afford like little packets of herbs and spices so she can make real curry (her speciality).

MsGee I was moved by your letter at the start of this thread, and humbled to think that you feel able to share it here. Thinking of you with much love.

noteven so to hear about your dd, what a wonderful turnaround in your life.

Silver please come back and post whenever you can. I will always remember your generous and selfless offers of help last year when I was stuck and struggling at the airport.

mouse - make sure you have a rest and look after yourself [stern face], and glad that you are feeling better.

To all other babes, and especially new posters, a big hello. There are just too many pages on here for me to get to grips with everything at the moment, I'll catch up eventually.

Has anyone seen strawberryblonde recently? Bafana have you been in touch? I met up with her last week and I haven't seen her posting since. Maybe that makes me the scariest person to mee in real life...... ?

meet

yeah MYODD, i can see very well that some people put their fingers in their ears when they hear something they dont like!