desperate for dating advice - should I ask a younger guy out if I'm a client?

[autumnflower]

This would sound silly, but please help bear with me, if you can!
I'm divorced and have been single for a bit (unsuitable short relationship of 2mnth early this year, older man who turned out to be too controlling). I'm really ready for, and wanting a relationship, ideally would like to get married again and possibly have a child. I'm pressed for time as to children, but if this doesn't happen, still want to find a soulmate. The problem is I seem to be no good at all at developing a relationship in early stages. I tend to get excited quickly if there is mutual attraction and start imagining him as a lover and future husband, which means i have no patience developing things slowly. I asked a couple of men out myself over the last two years (apart from that relationship where older man intiated), both younger, thinking they were single - both turned to be married, so of course that stopped there, but it made me weary of asking someone again and being disappointed. I also read those books and kind of believe the idea that a man should be the one asking me out - I'd enjoy that more. I only asked those two out because they had no means of contacting me, fleeting encounters.
I'm now looking buy a new place, and lo and behold, I now fancy one of the estate agents! Partly i let myself fancy him as it looks like he's attracted. But I just don't trust my judgement after mistakes and a long gap in dating, as he could be just either nice, or wanting me as a client (I now view most properties with him and not other agents). He's younger, and that also scares me a bit - but he does seem to make an special effort, and they are busy anyway with sales, but also he blushed last time when we were shaling hands saying goodbuy. We seem to chat more amd more beyond the neccessary, and ther is eye contact but sometimes he looks away rather than look confident. The thing is, I feel that he won't ask me out because i'm a client and he might be scared of losing a job? does anyone have expreience of agents asking then out? very silly i know, but I think there is really something worthwhile between us! Just feels that he likes me. And he's apparently single (didn't ask directly but going by fact that he lives with friends). If he can't ask me out, should i do it? I'm pertified of making an idiot of myself again, if i misread it. Or he might be just interested in casual sex, but I'm not! I'm close to buying something so I might have to stop viewings next week and will stop seeing him, but can definetely see him at least once more. Oh, and I love his voice - always found it was a good sign. And it seems like i have a thing for younger guys - AND been encouraged by MN success stories. A woman in her 30s behaving like a teenager i know, but please help. Is it true that if a man really wants someone, he'll ask her out no matter what???

divorced 5yrs. It's not unethical, but if he asked me out and i was outraged and complained to his office, he;d be in a stupid position. I'm not as frenzied as that, just pouring it out 'on paper' after it's been in my head for two weeks makes it intense. But yes, I am longing for emotional and sexual connection, had enough of setbacks.

Ask him, if he says no, he says no, you'll be ok and meet someone else.

Ask him out for a drink or dinner, to thank him for all the help he has given you, he can only say no, but if he says yes keep it "light" dont go all heavy on him and take it slowly....

Good Luck

thank you mango and oldwomaninshoe, so you don't think it will not make him see me as only casual, if i ask him? I mean potentially, as I obviously don't know whati want from him yet. It's old fashioned, but in the past me asking someone out never led to anything apart from casual. You think he wouldn't ask me even if he was really attracted (because of his job)? I became such a chicken recently. He's younger as well, might assume i want a bit of sex with a toyboy ha.

You are massively overthinking this - just ask him whether he fancies meeting up/doing something sometime..

thanks, I really have to catch up with current attitudes and learn to be less intense, it's good to know that no one would think twice about asking. It's just, why wouldn't he ask, are men actually expecting a woman to take the lead in this, as it's easier that way?

Well, of course he's going to think it's casual to begin with. No one who gets asked out for a drink thinks, 'Oh, I'm going to marry this person and have kids with them in the next year! Yeah!'

You just think, if you find them fanciable, 'Hey, cool, let's go for a drink and see what he/she is like outside of a business arena,' you know?

Or, if you don't find him/her fanciable, you think, 'No, thanks.'

And then you have an answer.

I think you have to stop dating only as a means to have kids, no matter how pressed for time you think you are, because it could really put potential partners off.

If you are really really that pressed, consider having a child on your own via a sperm donor or perhaps conceiving and co-parenting with a gay man who wants to have children or a gay male couple who wish to have children in a co-parenting situation.

'It's just, why wouldn't he ask'

Lots of reasons, but you won't know until you try to find out. But honestly, keep it light!

no, no, I don't date just to have kids, I did say i wanted a soulmate even if it will be too late for a child. What i meant - i don't want a casual that goes nowhere. Maybe the answer is to ask out and go on a date lightheartedly, but not rush into sex? I just really don't want to kill potential IF it's there for long term, and not to kill his respect for me.

How much of an age gap are we talking about?

Yeah, but you have to start somewhere. And where you start is seeing how it's going to go, if you're compatible. There's no such thing as a soulmate, the soul is complete on its own. There are plenty of people with whom you can be compatible and love and cherish.

But you're putting the cart before the horse and it's getting you nowhere.

Sounds like potential mates are put off by your intensity.

Take a step back! Stop and smell the roses! Go out just because it's fun and enjoy sex the same way if you fancy it.

And um, you can respect yourself and have sex with as many people as you like. It's about respecting yourself. I mean, if you have sex with someone right away, why not?, and he doesn't respect you, well, what does that say about him, seeing as he did it, too?

age gap - don't know exactly! about 8yrs (i look younger than my age, bet he thinks i'm younger).
Sansa, yes, i'll digest your advice! just based on my past, things went long term when they pursued me, apart from two were i wasn't keen so stopped soon. But where i pursued them, that's when i had strong crushes, so i can see that it looked intense to them, probably exactly that, scared by intensity. unfortunately when i feel intense i find it hard to be patient. With this guy though it's not a crush, more measured, so there's hope ha.

Wd be so grateful if someone advises after this update! sorry it's long.
so..after quite a few trips to see property with him I plucked up the courage to say to him, that if I stop looking (I made an offer on one), it would be good to meet up. Preceding that, there were some VERY promising signs. One time few weeks ago, there was a lot of flirting, and kind of serious sexual vibe rather than jokey (he's generally quite reserved and that happy-go-lucky) - a LOT of staring into each other's eyes, blushing, husky tones (small talk meanwhile, nothing black-and-white). At one point he looked so heated and full on (I found that so attractive) both face and body language, that I stopped talking and deliberately fell into silence and kind of slightly moved towards him but as I'm also quite shy I blushed and couldn't quite hold his eye, and I don't know maybe he took is as uncertainty? He then said that he needed to be going. Outside looked a bit disappointed almost. Anyway the time after that he was switched-off and not in the best mood, I tried a silent himt when he dropped me off in his car when again i tried silence and waited if he says anything - all he said without lookingat me, is that he has to go back to his office (eventhough this was last appoitnment). So after all that I thought - maybe the problem is work - what with all the very strong eye contact etc. So after that I though - good, made an offer, now we can have 'freedom' - that time was great - again a lot of staring at each other and general sexy vibe, and in the end i said it would be good to meet - he was surprised but quickly regained balance and made it quite casual - said 'yes' in what i though somewhat excited voice, though he did add that he can also introuduce we to people as it's new place for me (erm - not sure, did he nean people or men) - this was right before i left, and when he said good bye - again blush and smile. So I was very positive after that, but ..as my offer didn't proceed into anything - we met again in two weeks. I mean, I thought he'd contact ,e after that suggestion, but no (and i don't know his number - he didn't offer it either). So we meet again, he looks pleased to meet me, shakes hand, friendly chat as usual somewhat personal (who's been up to what) - but didn't say ANYTHING about a possible meet, and there was no flirting - I kind of caught him looking when i wasn't, but he quickly looked away, no proplonged stares like before even though it still felt very cosy somehow. Dropped me off - not a word in the end, just 'have a nice day'. I mean, what the heck? I can bet he's attracted - I don't want to bulldose him into meeting, already suggested it! He doesn't sound like he has a girlfriend - and if he had, he couldve mentioned it when i suggested things. /unless there's some Long distance r-ship going on - or meanwhile he net someone new and that is in process? I felt knoocked back - but I don't understand - we LIKE each other - either it's the age thing which stops him, or work - or can he be so shy that i need to really take it into my hands - I just don't like directly pressing him for answers? I mean he is quite 'inside himself' type, how to deal with that? I do have some pride too. I think about him a lot even though we meet once in a week or two.

I got quite deranged sweet on an estate agent when I was looking to buy a house post-divorce. Turns out he was just turning it on to get the sale! This is what they do sweetie. Yes he may have found you attractive - I expect so (it sounds like it) - but he didn't pursue it. The books are right - if he was interested he would have found a way, particularly as you opened the way for him and he didn't take it up.

You feel knocked back because imo you have been - but he was sweet about it and respectful. Makes him all the more attractive of course but there we go.

Sounds like yoi're trying to plug a gap tbh. I know it's yawnworthy but you've got to get settled in yourself first really - it sounds like you want A Person not a particular person? Anyway, somebody gorgeous might come along, which will make you happy - I hope so.

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but I think you should forget about him. He's had the opportunity to take things further and he hasn't. I understand you would like to know why but that's a question you'd be better off not asking. Why don't you try Internet dating? If nothing else it will take your mind off him. There's an Internet dating support thread running on relationships at the moment.

Also please remember estate agents are working for the person selling the house, not the buyer. Don't let your interest in this man cause you to Trust him too much and pay over the odds for a house.

He's just not that into you. Move on, and chill out. You sound a bit manic/desperate. Relax!

How big is the age gap? Or how big do you think it is? You see if it's obvious to you that he is younger, then that to me means he must be quite a bit younger- as 5 years or so doesn't really show- a man of 35 can look as old as a woman 39, or a 30 year old man can look the same as a 35 yr old woman.

I think you have got carried away. I expect the poor bloke is cringing every time he has to see you and is telling him mates about this woman who has the hots for him- and can he possibly pass her onto a colleague.

His behaviour to me does not suggest attraction to you- to me it goes he is uncomfortable and finds your behaviour embarrassing.

You could, for all we know, be completely misinterpretting the body language.

Anyway- any guy worth his salt who liked you would have asked you out by now if he wanted to- so back off and leave this poor child man alone.

oh gawd - I doubt he is laughing at you, telling his mates about you, or thinking about passing you on to one of his colleagues.

Dear me, amelia. kick her while she's down why don't you. Who is the 'we' you refer to re for all we know? do speak for yourself.

You come across as desperate for a relationship, he might say yes but that does not mean he wants to marry you or want forever, he might only want a fuck. You take your chances.

I think you shouldn't ask men out. Not that NOBODY should ask a man out, but I think for you, OP, you should avoid this.

The estate agent is selling you something. Obviously we don't know him, but he wouldn't be doing his job properly if he wasn't being really nice to you. I'm sure he likes you but equally sure he's seen you as an older woman who is maybe a bit lonely.

He could have asked you out. He could have said "Hey don't forget to invite me to the housewarming party." He didn't, did he?

OP, have you heard of this organisation? A social club might be good for you.

Thank you so much for all replies! I don't mind the harsh ones, like amelia's, as she hasn't been there and didn't see how he behaved so it could look to her like the extreme negative.He had many chances to pass me on to others to show me places, but never did. Last time i e-mailed a manager in the office with a question, then they forwarded to him and he suggested that 'we' look at it even though he knows I don't like noisy roads - and I didn't ask to see it.
But some posts are just spot on and helping me look at it from a perspective. Imperial, I think you got it right (sigh) that I personally shouldn't be asking men out, but there was this advice on here and also I'm impatient and just hate not knowing, kind of prefer to know either way so I don't fantasise too much. I was careful not to ask himout in a blatant way i.e. come over to mine etc, - it was just 'would be good to see you again'. But he did seem pleased, and haven't avoided meeting again which he could easily done if he was embarassed.
And to those who say he's just embarassed - why was he so blatantly stared in my eyes then untill I got uneasy even? The thing is he's not a typical loud agent type who blabbs a lot, or is arrogant. That's why I'm not being so cynical.
Fabby you may have a point - maybe he actually wants a blatant sex invitation, but can sense that I'm more 'romantic' and more the relationship type (which he doesn't want)? I mean since my original post i did consider I should lighten up and just sleep with him if that's what he ever suggests/implies - while I'm looking for a boyfriend? I mean he may not be that good as proper BF anyway. It's just my last r-ship finished in March and I'm desperate more for passion and friendship than full on r-ship, unless I meet the seriously right man.
Age gap - 10yrs I'd say, 27ish? - he's not a child, as i say his personality is quite serious, and I look about 33.
Will have a look at that site!
springy - thank you, you aer very nice (and you've been there!) - did you say anything to your agent, or kept it to yourself?

I'm very analytical by nature, and i still can't see the logic in 'He's attracted/likes you, but doesn't want to ask you out' - why? to me it's straight forward, If I like someone, I at least want to try and see what happens, give at least one date.
I was hoping that maybe it's all to do with viewings - and if they stop properly he then will want to meet, but not before as it's a little dodgy (he can't trust me completely to be discreet?) Do you really thing he'd ask regardless of that, or just tryingto be professional for now? sorry foe being 'obstinate'!