desperate for dating advice - should I ask a younger guy out if I'm a client?

[autumnflower]

This would sound silly, but please help bear with me, if you can!
I'm divorced and have been single for a bit (unsuitable short relationship of 2mnth early this year, older man who turned out to be too controlling). I'm really ready for, and wanting a relationship, ideally would like to get married again and possibly have a child. I'm pressed for time as to children, but if this doesn't happen, still want to find a soulmate. The problem is I seem to be no good at all at developing a relationship in early stages. I tend to get excited quickly if there is mutual attraction and start imagining him as a lover and future husband, which means i have no patience developing things slowly. I asked a couple of men out myself over the last two years (apart from that relationship where older man intiated), both younger, thinking they were single - both turned to be married, so of course that stopped there, but it made me weary of asking someone again and being disappointed. I also read those books and kind of believe the idea that a man should be the one asking me out - I'd enjoy that more. I only asked those two out because they had no means of contacting me, fleeting encounters.
I'm now looking buy a new place, and lo and behold, I now fancy one of the estate agents! Partly i let myself fancy him as it looks like he's attracted. But I just don't trust my judgement after mistakes and a long gap in dating, as he could be just either nice, or wanting me as a client (I now view most properties with him and not other agents). He's younger, and that also scares me a bit - but he does seem to make an special effort, and they are busy anyway with sales, but also he blushed last time when we were shaling hands saying goodbuy. We seem to chat more amd more beyond the neccessary, and ther is eye contact but sometimes he looks away rather than look confident. The thing is, I feel that he won't ask me out because i'm a client and he might be scared of losing a job? does anyone have expreience of agents asking then out? very silly i know, but I think there is really something worthwhile between us! Just feels that he likes me. And he's apparently single (didn't ask directly but going by fact that he lives with friends). If he can't ask me out, should i do it? I'm pertified of making an idiot of myself again, if i misread it. Or he might be just interested in casual sex, but I'm not! I'm close to buying something so I might have to stop viewings next week and will stop seeing him, but can definetely see him at least once more. Oh, and I love his voice - always found it was a good sign. And it seems like i have a thing for younger guys - AND been encouraged by MN success stories. A woman in her 30s behaving like a teenager i know, but please help. Is it true that if a man really wants someone, he'll ask her out no matter what???

autmn if you can't or won't pick up the message from us here on MN it might explain why you can't pick up the signals the guy is sending out.

he is not into you. sorry.

If he was he'd have asked you out. the fact he is an estate agent/ you his client is a red herring- he's not your dr FGS!

Just accept that he is not interested. if he was, you'd know and not need to ask MN what to do.

You are starting to sound a bit of a stalker- leave him and it alone now.

look, he has not responded favourably to your overtures, he has not engineered meetings, he hasn't given you his phone number

you say he didn't have to show you property, I say he is prob commission based and it's in his monetary interest to show as many houses as possible

but hey, why not ignore all the negative signs and go right ahead, totally embarrass yourself, and him, by pursuing this

we are not being unkind or aggressive- we are giving you advice but it's a waste of time. you are being incredibly dim and won't listen. You have your own agenda and are coming across as if nothing will shift you in your pursuit of this guy.

The idea that he has nowhere to take you ( for sex) is crazzy- what do you think hotels are for? And presumably you have a roof over your head?

'I still don't know why he agreed to meet'

Because he doesn't fancy you! If he did, he'd have found a way to work things out. He doesn't pass you to another collegue because he wants the commission money. That's why he doesn't want to give you his mobile number, that's why he doesn't contact you though you've been very direct, HE DOESN'T FANCY YOU, for whatever reason, that's patently obvious from every single one of your posts on here. You said so yourself, if you like someone, you ask them out and see how it works. He hasn't done this, he doesn't want contact with you beyond getting the property sorted and getting the commission.

You sound very unhealthily obsessed with him, all this does he have a girlfriend and maybe she's not so serious after all I'm attractive and look young for my age ( , like, so what? He's not into you), I think about him often, over-analysing time you spend with him in a professional capacity, asking how you deal with elements of a non-existent relationship that appears to the outside as if you have trouble separating fantasy from reality.

Honestly, I agree with amelia that you appear to have some sensitivity/boundary issues.

It would be advisable for you to probably get some professional help with this before even considering dating, because it would be very off-putting to most (there's a thread on here, in fact, from a woman who is now being stalked by a man she knew in a professional capacity and I have to say the parallels between this man's behaviour and yours are eerily similar).

That will sound aggressive, but frankly, you sound stalkerish. Please back off and get some help.

what are you on about?? how am I stalking him? I talk a lot about it here because there were confusing messages as he did agree to meet - how did this mean he's definetely not interested. I'm arguing my point, but I did say i now accept 99% that he's not interested - maybe you should read carefull beforeaccusing me. I'm just obv disappointed if he's not interested that's why I ask advice and opinions which I DO listen too. But with him this doesn't manifest - as i say I;m not doing anything, after i suggested to meet (once) 2 weeks ago, I nevre contacted him, and this last viewing was his intiative and i didn't talk about dating or stared at him - how on EARTH am i stalking - why are you so agressive, i wish the people who answered earlier came back - they were understanding!

autumn- what does it take to get it into your head that this man is an estate agent whose job is selling houses? His income depends on it.

If he knows you like him, it is in his favour to meet you and show you houses- cos he thinks he's more likely to sell you one, as you have a crush on him.

I suspect that older women who have the hots for him are par for the course if he is young and dishy.

I kow it's a stereotype, but estate agents are universally despised because of their creepy crawly, smarmy behaviour and insincerity. Which planet have you been on for the last 37 years ?

But you are in danger of making a complete and utter tit of yourself if you cannot see this- and keep musing like a 14 year old.

Calling people dim, is reportable op :) in all seriousness here Amelia talks sense.

This guy has used you, used the charm to flog you the house.

Example..... Me and hubs are in the market for a new car. Sales woman has turned it up with my Dh, to the point she ignored my presence and she was trying to flirt her way to the sale. She didn't bank on a forceful wife or a bloke who isn't going to pander to that crap with a 40k car.

This is a house!! How did you get sucked in here? Work on yourself.

eminence - back off from what- don't you see the difference between onhsessively discussing,like many womendo on here, and actually acting like that infront of him, which I don't? I asked him ONCE, after gathering some nerve, and very politely to which he didn't react badly - that's it - I never emailed him or called at his office with anything personal. I can be persistent with my trying to understand somnething but I do not act on it.

and of course nobody is ever dim in dating situations! why do you think there aer so many books on the subject? or questions on MN? when people havea crush or fancy someone it's very easy to see what you want to see - unless the man is blatantly cold and official.

crossed posts autumn.

you seem to have lost the plot a bit- of course the viewing was arranged by him- THAT IS HIS JOB!!!

instead of asking other people to read all the posts- you ought to read your own- the first one. you said you would come over as a teenager- you were right.

People are now getting aggressive because you still think- even if it's 1% chance- that he likes you and might want to ask you out.

It is patently clear that he doesn't. You seem to find rejection very hard to cope with, and the fact that this thread now runs to 3 pages- and you are still hanging onto hope he might want you- shows that.

If you don't want to listen to us- fine- ask him out, and find out instead of wasting our time when you don't like what we say.

You are obsessing over this and unfortunately it's par for the course in sales. What you saw, is what he wanted you to see, to buy. Move on. Nothing more to it.

thank God someone apperared who doesn't call me a stalker fgs! thanks, bubble for bringing this more to earth.

You're spending way too much time thinking about this person who isn't involved with you and doesn't appear to be inclined to want to be.

'I'm just obv disappointed if he's not interested that's why I ask advice and opinions which I DO listen too.'

Then just cool it. Move on. Buy your house, pay him up and work on yourself and perhaps finding someone who's into you.

When a man is interested in you, believe me, he lets you know, even the shy ones! My husband is dead shy, but he'd only had one girlfriend before we met, but when I started flirting with him at a party he responded and followed through wanting to meet up for a coffee the next day. After that he asked me out on a walk with his rambling club and it went from there.

Okay autumn last post here- when i called you dim, it had nothing to do with your behaviour on dating- it was about your responses here on MN- your inability to accept what other people are telling you, as you want to hang on to your fantasy.

What amelia said.

amelia - I already HAVE asked him out and not goingto do it again - when did i say that i would? all i wated is to see opinions - whether he might have reasons other than lack of attraction, he did flirt with me after all, he didn;t decline to meet - I'm only repeating this to defend my point, I'm not saying it has to be genuine interest. No it's you who lost the plot with stalker theme - I meant if i was a stalker i would pester him for viewings, but i didn't ask for one, since asking him out, if he saw me as a stalker, he wouldn't arrange a viewing! please read this carefully before jumping at me again.
bubble I haven't bought a house through him- I made offers on one of their property, and one with another agent, both were outbid.

I get that op. But this is or was nothing more than sales patter. It's all. Take this woman all over my husband with the car...... I said she'd better start talking to me. It is gonna be my car, he has his. I had the 10k deposit in my bank.

I went elsewhere. The whole flirting, over familiar, yet distancing, making you want to come back, flirting is all sales patter.

eminence - I already cooled it by not mentioning anything last time, and the point of this thread is to help me just get it off my chest and confirm my suspicions so I can cool it even more. I'm not set on this guy for the rest of my life, of course i will be looking for someone else - I was trying to understand him and the signals, as without being there it's easy to say he didnt encourage me- when he did with all the eye contact, andwe always have cosy chats. I now accept that it could have been a game or just smth to pass the time. I'm not at all dismissing your opinions, just pointing out how i came to my comclusions in the first place. Maybe i thought that things aer not always so black and white, and men may have their own issues and sensitivities. This is the only thing that made me hope 1%. But not hope in 'life or death' way at all.

bubble - is it really? ten I'm naive about salespeople - he just isn't tat experience in the job and usually just shows hte houses, doesn't lead negotiating. But you think they are so sophisticated as to do the whole familiarity/distancing? I'm a bit shocked tbh. He didn't seem typical, i.e. doesn't talk that much.

Yeah it's all part of it. They are taught to maintain eye contact too with the buyer...... This woman's downfall as the buyer was me lol.

It's fine to rant on MN, of course. But make sure you do not make any further attempts to ask this man to date you. Because you don't really want the humiliation of being cautioned for stalking, do you? Please bear in mind that he has every right not to fancy you, not to fall in love with you, not to want anything to do with you outside of a professional context. He's a free human being with a life of his own.

Going by your posts on this thread I would advise you not to date anyone for at least a year, and to spend that time sorting yourself out. Because right now you are coming across as utterly desperate, and this means that nice/sane men are put off and run a mile; the only ones likely to take an interest are the dodgy ones, the cocklodgers and the abusers.

did she hold eye contact even in front of you? with him, he was kind of shy first, but the eye contact increased later, to the point of blatant staring, so that i had to look away it was too intense! that's why i though it was genuine.

Fgs autumnflower get a grip.

SGV, I wasn't going to ask him out again - note that asking him out was an ADVICE on here when i started this thread - I actually said there that I really didn't want to initiate. I was then advised by a male friend to ask him out as in his words, 'he won't do it as you're a client'. It took me ages to gather the courage - now I'm being beaten up! All i said fgs, it would be good to meet you again if there is no more meeting for property! everyone advised to be even more direct than that! how am i the villain here? Of course im ranting on MN, not to him!