Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship - my story

[preciouslittlegems]

Sorry, this is long! I'm just not sure what to think about a conversation I had earlier with DH. He was not joking and this is set in the context of a relationship that has broken down and we no longer share a bedroom. He is bitter as he wants things to return to the way they were, for us both to compromise. I don't want to because he has been quite severely empotionally abusive and I don't want to get emotionally involved with him again, as I feel it is not a good place for me to be. I am being supported the local DV service because of the abuse. I am finding it really hard to leave the relationship because I don't know how he will react and today's conversation has made me even more uncertain (he has also threatened to kill himself many times).

I was preparing dinner with a sharp knife. He came up to me and told me not to stab him with it (he said the same thing last week). I took it as a joke and replied I'm not in the habit of killing people. He, speaking quite seriously, told me that he often thinks about killing people and asked if I do. I said no, of course not. He said he was surprised given the state of our relationship. He said he thinks less about stabbing people and more about suffocating and poisoning people. He said he lays awake at night thinking about it a lot. I was stunned at this point but decided to find out more. I asked if there was any one in particular he thought about killing (I could see where this was heading) and he said it was me he thought about, in particular poisoning. I calmly told him that he would go to prison and he said only if found out. I told him that he would be a prime suspect and he then went on a bit about things I do that upset him, including sharing with family and friends things he would rather I didn't (the abuse). I asked how he planned to poison me he said he wouldn't tell me because I would run off and phone someone and tell them. I asked if that was the only reason he wouldn't tell me, as I would not have a clue how to poison someone. He said that I have no idea what he knows and that he knows a lot more than I realise.

I sound very calm above but I don't feel it. This has freaked me out and is the reason I don't leave as I am unsure what he is capable of. He has mentioned poison to me a few times, e.g. told me there is poison in my cup of tea he has made me as he hands it to me (for no reason).

Am I being paranoid? Should I laugh it off? Am I unable to take a joke? He was definitely not joking but if I asked him about it again or involved other people, he would say I couldn't take a joke. He regularly makes really nasty comments to me. Since the incident he has been in a bad mood and barely talked to me apart from to shout a bit and criticise various things I have done and the state of the house.

I would just value any views. Do you think he has said this to frighten me to behave and be a proper wife again and not leave, or is there something more sinister to worry about? I feel this is the last straw but I am scared. I feel trapped.

Ive been lurking, and just want to send all my love to you precious

your doing brilliantly

and we are all here cheering you on

dont forget that :)

Thank you, everyone. Your support has been invaluable. H has texted again tonight saying he's learnt his lesson and made a major mistake but I am staying strong.

Kids have been a bit wobbly the last couple of days but I am trying to arrange lots of things for them to do at the weekend and after school to keep them busy.

Precious-followed your thread to see how you got on (didn't want to add much as others seemed to be in it full tilt and didn't want to confuse things further!) Very glad to hear the DV worker has given lots of sensible advice and you've gone to get legal advice. Stay strong and hope all gets better from now on for yourself and your children.

Thinking about you still Precious. Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

Precious, you have gone through a traumatic time in the last few days and, of course, you are going to feel 'wobbly''.

Don't feel bad about this because it means that after many years of 'invalidism' where you have been made to feel that your beliefs, opinions, and all of the myriad facets of your personality that validates you as the unique individual that you are are 'invalid', YOU have come out from under and are beginning to walk and talk and think freely again - albeit on wobbly legs, with hesitant speech, and allowing your imagination to venture along unexplored paths that have hitherto been forbidden to you.

In short, precious, your h 'conditioned' you to believe that his way is 'the only way' but, throughout his reign of suppression, your innate and intrinsic personality and spirit has remained intact.

Don't EVER underestimate yourself and don't EVER underestimate him, or overestimate him to an extent where you hand YOUR POWER to him. You've been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and now it's YOUR time to call the shots.

Now I've got the emotive bit out of the way, I hope to continue in a more dispassionate vein - and, precious, you need to know and believe that the courage you have displayed over the past week will carry you through whatever your H, and life, throws at you.

Big yourself up, precious - stay true to your principles and your integrity and you'll discover that you are INVINCIBLE.

precious stay strong and resolute.

it is common for the "remorse" and promises etc. but dont be taken in.

stay distant. let's say he really does change - well this needs a lot of time, 12 months or more.

but if you suspecting his issues are more in built that say a case of reactive depression - then he aint going to change.

my exP after 3.5 years still tries to send text msgs and goes on about forgiveness and we could change and what about love and bla bla bla - but his actions over those years have proved he has not changed at all - it is all about "me me me".

so he is all alone.
so what.
he said he wanted to kill you.
duh.

well he will survive you know - it is consequence of his behaviours.
he will either continue to bug you - claming i am all alone you can save me - or go off find someone else to bug. his choice.

you owe him nothing.

Hi Precious

I am delighted you are getting the support through this and wish you well.

If you feel your ex has BOD and if you feel strong enough then ask him to see a psychiatrist at a Community Mental Health Team (referrals from GP) as if he did have a 'psychotic' lapse then this can me managed and therfore 'fixed' and not actually a purposeful act....if this is the case then the behaviours will be easier to forgive in time as the man was clearly unwell if BPD.
But that is up to him as an individual to seek out and you have been through enough.

Just to clarify Precious my input was not professional....you may not know my situation and previous name but I assure you it is totally personal.

Anyway, just to before I clear off...Ravenous I think you are a fab friend...wish I had someone I could have turned to when ex was trying to break in to kill ds and me in middle of the night...a friend in need and all are one in a million:)

Hi precious - behaviour comes first, psychology comes later.

Take it easy and have a great weekend. Just stay strong.

He has told you that he has admitted he has made a mistake - he may do things like that regularly to put you off guard. Remember that what he tells you is one thing, and what he intends to do may be completely different.

But hopefully he will get used to you not being around and just give up. I am ever the optimist! My guess is that he will keep on and on, being mister 'nice', with the sole intention to getting back the situation you had before.

Oh Precious soooooo well done to you. My DH did try to kill me (and my DD age 4 at the time). Am hoping with all my heart that you stay strong and can move forward to enjoy the life you and your DCs really deserve rather than the rubbish you have put up with so far.

I used to get the begging letters too (pre mobiles!) but eventually learned to stayed strong . It wasnt easy but is the only way you will actually ever attain peace for yourself and the children. Promise.

Oh precious, you are doing so well. Stay strong. I am sending you good good good vibes for the w/e.

The kids will be fine, though undoubtedly there'll be a few hiccups from all of you along the way, but it'll be worth it, it reallly will.

So glad you have Ravenous with you, and others in rl.

Sleep sweetly.

Thanks again for all your wonderful supportive messages. So many of us have been through bad experiences with our DH/DP's. I spent today sorting out a statement, I still haven't finished. i have been so busy this week, the time has flown by.

H has gone away for the weekend, so I can get into the house tomorrow for a few hours and would really appreciate some advice on what to gather to take away with me. Is there anything really essential that I must take? I don't plan to take the DC's home to stay for 2 nights , as I think it would be too difficult for them to leave again.

Papers would be the most important.

Bank statements, passports, birth certs, insurance docs, anything connected with the mortgage, NHS cards (if you know where they are, mine could be anywhere!) that sort of thing.

Then anything valuable or sentimental such as jewellry, photos, anything of the kids that they value.

Then clothes and any other sundries that you will have room for.

Good luck, and FGS dont go alone just in case he doesnt actually go xxx

I am concerned your DV workers and police haven't briefed you on this already.

to pack whattopack

Good call sing

Gather up all the essential documents - passports, driving licence, inusurances, bank statements etc and remove any items that you/dc particularly treasure as well as clothing to account of the change of seasons.

Going away for the weekend would seem to give the lie to your beief that 'He must feel terrible, his life is falling apart. He is all alone in the house and has lost everything'.

As for his pleas and promises, they're to be expected as of course he wants a continuation of the status quo whereby he dictated terms in your household. If, as I suspect, he is a sociopath, he isn't capable of either feeling genuine remorse or inwardly acknowledging his part in the breakdown of his marriage - but that won't stop him using appropriate words to convince you that he's a changed man who deserves another chance.

Incidentally, sociopaths abound in all walks of life and not are necessarily dangerous to others. However, you have no way of knowing whether what your H told you on Sunday was a cynical and deliberate attempt to intimidate you, or whether it was a true account of his inner thoughts.

One thing you can be sure of is that your H has learned a valuable lesson from this which is that he is unlikely to make any such statements again but. unless his sole intention was to 'frighten me to behave and be a proper wife again'. he is likely to continue to fantasise about killing you and such men have been known to act out their fantasies.

As I've said, there is no treatment for sociopaths and talking therapies can merely give them more tools to hide their inner personas and manipulate/control others.

An additional is problem that should he refer himself for 'counselling' as opposed to a clinical evaulation of this mental health, it could be many months, if ever, before a diagnois is made.

If he is referred for clinical evalution or counselling you will have no way of knowing whether he will be entirely truthful, and should you be invited to give your account of living with him, you are best advised to be honest to the point bluntness - to this end, the facts contained in your applications for Court Orders will be invaluable.

As I do not have a professional interest in your case, my concern for your future welfare and well-being is purely sororal. From everything you have said to date, your H is not a man to be trusted therefore I would urge you to always exercise more than usual caution in your dealings with him, and do not allow yourself to be suckered back into resuming a relationship with him.

Do you know what day application(s) will be made to the Court on your behalf?

An additional is problem that' should read 'An additional problem is that...'

Thanks for the link to the list and suggestions. I couldn't remember where to find a list and just want to go in, grab the stuff and go. I won't have a lot of time as I need to go without the DC's, so am relying on childcare for DS2.

Regarding his weekend away - apparently he is very calm and collected and is going away on a lads weekend that was already planned, walking and drinking.

I will research sociopaths and see how the description fits H. So far, Izzy, you have made some accurate observations about my H.

Just quickly, as I am off to bed now. I did a quick questionnaire on how to spot a sociopath www.cix.co.uk/~klockstone/teleg.htm. I've no idea if it is a valid questionnaire but gave it a go and I scored H about 24/25. Who knows, I don't think a diagnosis will ever be made but its helpful to have an idea of what I might be dealing with.

Are you absolutely sure he's away for the weekend? take someone with you just in case.

My last post could read 24 out of 25 but I meant around 24-25 - I was a bit unsure on 1 or 2.

The weekend away is interesting too. I don't think that if I was in H's position that I would particularly fancy a weekend away at this point. I would be too upset to face anyone

Yes please take someone with you back to your house when you collect your things.

He'll be acting as if he hasn't a care in the world - and in fact that is how he feels because sociopaths cannot empathise with others and therefore do not care about them in any meaningful sense of the word.

For those of us who have the ability to empathise and who have the capacity to care for and about others, it is hard to imagine a life without deep feelings but it is a fact that the 'caring' mechanism is absent in many people who otherwise appear to be 'normal'.

Currently your H will be focused on 'keeping up appearances' but it will be interesting to know his reaction if Court Orders are served on him and, in particular, the content of any communication you may receive from him around that time.

Contrary to some of the opinions expressed here, when it comes to dv it is necessary, and in some cases, essential to understand exactly what manner of man or woman you're dealing with as that knowledge can save lives.

That is not to say that you are in any immediate danger from your H, or that you will necessarily ever be at serious risk of harm from him, nevertheless, I repeat that he is not to be trusted and you should exercise due caution in your dealings with him.

I don't think a diagnosis will ever be made but its helpful to have an idea of what I might be dealing with.
Absolutely! Knowing what you're dealing with stops you getting taken in by them for one.
PS You're doing so well. Hope the statement's going ok. x

In part to satisfy my personal curiousity and also in order that I may, hopefully, be of service to you in predicting how your H may react if he is required to vacate the marital home, which numbered questions in the quiz that you've provided a link to did you score as 0 and which numbers did you score as 1?

Obviously, studies of the socio/pscychopathic personality has moved on since 1997 but, FWIW, if you scored 2 for questions 1-6 (albeit I have reservations about the wording of question 4), 10, and 17, I have no hesitation, on the basis of what you have said about him, in stating that in all probability your H is a sociopath.

If a Court orders him to leave the marital home, will he be able to immediately move in with his df or db - albeit temporarily - or will he have to accomodate himself in a hotel/b&b until such time as he is able find a permanent place to lay his head?

Am I correct in assuming that he is unware of your consultations with solicitors etc? If this is the case, he will be taking the view that he can afford to play the long game and, effectively, wait you out in the expectation that financial and other considerations together with his blandishments will leave you with no alternative but to return to him.

I suspect that when he discovered your absence, he shat himself expected that the long arm of the law would shortly be on his doorstep and I'm prepared to believe that, that night at least, he stayed awake long into the early hours frantically endeavouring to spin a convincing explanation of what he said to you.

In order to come up with a believeable or acceptable explanation, he would have tried out various possibilities from 'it was a joke - my dw took it the wrong way' to outright denial that he said any such thing.

However, given that he was not confronted by the boys/girls in blue in respect of the conversation he initiated with you last Sunday, he will have undoubtedly rapidly reached the conclusion that he 'got with away it' hence the clothing and food that was delivered to you by his db, which was occasioned as much by his sense of relief that he wouldn't be brought to account as his desire to persuade others that he is a reasonable and honourable man.

In so generously sending these items to you, he has begun the process of setting himself up as the victim of your unreasonableness and it's likely that he's playing this role to the hilt to his family members and in his dealings with anyone who enquires about your sudden absence/whereabouts. It's also likely that he will be diffidently - almost humbly - implying that he's as much to blame as you while, of course, believing no such thing.

IMO, at the present time, no matter what he's telling you about how sorry he is, wants to change, get help etc, his mood is one of complacency.

It's unsurprising that many sociopaths are drawn to the worlds of politics and acting because these fields offer optimum opportunity for their condition to go undetected and undiagnosed.

I totally agree. He will be very complacent right now... as far as he's concerned its just a matter of time before he can 'spin' this in his favour and get things back where he wants them.

Once the orders are served though, be prepared for a totally different ball game. I think he will get really nasty and twist everything to try and turn it back on you.. I hope he doesn't but be prepared and don't undersetimate what he is capable of.