Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship - my story

[preciouslittlegems]

Sorry, this is long! I'm just not sure what to think about a conversation I had earlier with DH. He was not joking and this is set in the context of a relationship that has broken down and we no longer share a bedroom. He is bitter as he wants things to return to the way they were, for us both to compromise. I don't want to because he has been quite severely empotionally abusive and I don't want to get emotionally involved with him again, as I feel it is not a good place for me to be. I am being supported the local DV service because of the abuse. I am finding it really hard to leave the relationship because I don't know how he will react and today's conversation has made me even more uncertain (he has also threatened to kill himself many times).

I was preparing dinner with a sharp knife. He came up to me and told me not to stab him with it (he said the same thing last week). I took it as a joke and replied I'm not in the habit of killing people. He, speaking quite seriously, told me that he often thinks about killing people and asked if I do. I said no, of course not. He said he was surprised given the state of our relationship. He said he thinks less about stabbing people and more about suffocating and poisoning people. He said he lays awake at night thinking about it a lot. I was stunned at this point but decided to find out more. I asked if there was any one in particular he thought about killing (I could see where this was heading) and he said it was me he thought about, in particular poisoning. I calmly told him that he would go to prison and he said only if found out. I told him that he would be a prime suspect and he then went on a bit about things I do that upset him, including sharing with family and friends things he would rather I didn't (the abuse). I asked how he planned to poison me he said he wouldn't tell me because I would run off and phone someone and tell them. I asked if that was the only reason he wouldn't tell me, as I would not have a clue how to poison someone. He said that I have no idea what he knows and that he knows a lot more than I realise.

I sound very calm above but I don't feel it. This has freaked me out and is the reason I don't leave as I am unsure what he is capable of. He has mentioned poison to me a few times, e.g. told me there is poison in my cup of tea he has made me as he hands it to me (for no reason).

Am I being paranoid? Should I laugh it off? Am I unable to take a joke? He was definitely not joking but if I asked him about it again or involved other people, he would say I couldn't take a joke. He regularly makes really nasty comments to me. Since the incident he has been in a bad mood and barely talked to me apart from to shout a bit and criticise various things I have done and the state of the house.

I would just value any views. Do you think he has said this to frighten me to behave and be a proper wife again and not leave, or is there something more sinister to worry about? I feel this is the last straw but I am scared. I feel trapped.

The conversation on Sunday is his word against mine, but the other behaviours over the years has been witnessed by many family members and friends. I have been told to get an emergency occupation order and a restraining order with powers of arrest. I don't know how likely it is I will get them, although the DV worker told me to do it as if it would definitely be granted. I think that when the orders are served, he will realise how serious I am and may then cause problems. I am unsure about going back to the house anyway, even with an occupation order. He will think I am being ridiculous with my actions.

You need to be REALLY careful about who you choose to tell where you are. BIL told him straight away- you cannot trust him and possibly not SIL either. In this kind of situation where people do not know the full extent (and refuse to believe for a long time)they do not understand the importance of their own actions. My sister's bastardex displayed such deviousness and cunning and frank criminality to find out where my sister was so that he could threaten her in person that it's a shame he never harnessed that energy for the good.

You must be extremely cautious about who knows what, and listen to your DV link person and heed your own instincts. I suggest that you get a new SIM and keep it on standby for when he started assailing you by phone- at least with a new number that no-one knows about, you can still phone out but you will not be on call 24/7. I suggest that you ask DS not to answer his phone unless it's a number he recognises either (or always lets it go to voicemail and calls back)- Your H will put a lot of pressure on DS to reveal where you are.

In cases of domestic violence, taping up letterboxes in any private house/flat in which a victim is staying is a standard precaution singforsupper.

The OP has said that her H has spoken of stabbing, suffocation, and poison. As yet, there is no reason to suppose that he has considered arson.

I suspect that the OP's H is now aware that he too went to far on Sunday, and I further suspect that he will now do his utmost to present a 'normal' and 'reasonable' facade to the world as evidenced by his sending clothing for the dc.

I very much doubt that you are in any immediate danger, precious, and you should take advantage of what may be a lull before the storm to get as much rest and sleep at night as you possibly can.

It may be a very different story if and when Court Orders requiring that he vacate his home are served on him, although any such orders issued ex parte will be for a finite period of not more than 28 days and, again, I suspect that he will do his utmost to mount legal challenges before resorting to other means - if, in fact, he has a propensity for actual rather than threatened mayem.

Seriously precious, you MUST talk to your children's schools headteachers and emphasize the threats that have been made. If necessary ask your DV link person to go along with you if they can.

Hiya Precious,

After a full year of leaving an abusive relationship I can congratulate you in doing one of the most difficult steps you have had to make and that is in leaving it. Part of the process of recovering from this is to realise the level of control that people put in this abusive relaitonship that is so subtle you dont realise it.

The sending over of food was indeed about control. To remind you about the conversation you had that night and to put you back into a state of fear again. Subtle reminders, significant dates, little things that have been said or mentioned. They all build up to something that belies belief if you havent lived it.

You have to the power to control this and change this now. II'm guessing by the tone in your posts, that you are slowly coming to terms with this realisation and I just wanted to tell you, you are doing the best thing for you and your family. Contact between you and him should be done through the medium of a solicitor at the present time. If he has stopped taking his medication, it could be a very volitile time for him and anyone around him so whilst not living in a state of fear, be aware and careful

Big love and strength...

It seems I am reading your H in the same way as you are precious, and I would advise you to trust your instincts as you know the man inside and out.

I have no doubt that the dv professionals that are working with you will be available to you on call 24/7 every of step of the way in the coming weeks.

If you do not wish to return to the marital home I would suggest that you discuss your options with your dv counsellor.

Apologies, my fingers are all thumbs tonight.

"he went too far on Sunday"

Part of me wonders whether court orders etc are the way forward, as they will inflame the situation. He offered to leave the house yesterday so that me and the DCs could go back home to bed. I mentioned this to my DV worker at the police station and she said that, no, I need an emergency occupation order and on no account for me to go back and him to leave, as he suggested. She said it is his way of getting us back into the house and then he would try to move back in too and I would be back where I started. She was very firm about this.

Food thing is very odd and like you say he seems too calm.

I would contact police on non-emergency number tonight and tell them that he knows where you are and that a food parcel was sent for you, but given what he has said that you have not touched it.

If they know that he knows where you are and anything untoward happens in the night they will be much faster about sending out a patrol.

You, your kids, your friend and her kids non of them are safe if he knows where you are. If he snaps and is really determined to hurt you the only thing stopping him is a pane of glass.

Speak to DV worker in the morning and let them know, they will be able to organise refuge where he definitely will not find you. Do not if this happens communicate with BIL or anyone who would tell BIL or DH where you are.

BIL is colluding with your DH in his abuse of you he cannot be trusted. He is in my opinion actually worse than your DH as it sounds to me from your description as if your DH is mentally ill, but BIL is from what you have said not, but is still okaying the abuse.

Speak to the school again. There is no reason why they cannot have a long-standing arrangement that you meet children inside the building at the school reception if not released directly to you. I would get the domestic violence liason officer from the police station to call them on your behalf so that they take your concerns seriously.

I am a teacher and have had children in my class that had this arrangement, primary age though so we are not allowed to let them go unless parent is seen or school has letter of permission to walk home in year 5 or 6. Secondary is different, but you can make the arrangement with your DC that they go to school reception and wait for you there as DH would find it difficult to take them from there.

Remember your DH is an emotional abuser, he is losing control which is why he abuses you so will play mind games to try and assert/re-gain control.

You are doing really well, stay strong x

Yes, kingbeat, I believe the food was about control, particularly yesterday's lunch sandwich. I can see no other reason to send a 2 day old, very plain, sandwich. Also, well done on leaving your abusive relationship too!

Izzy - the professionals are being fantastic, I'll surprised at the level of support available now that I have left. I had some support before but there was little they could do until I made the decision to leave. I felt very alone at that time.

Duchess - yes, I will go back in and re-emphasis it all tomorrow at school.

Thanks, Zhen. BIL is a very laid back person and will genuinely think that, although H is difficult (BIL has said H was difficult at home as a child), he "is not that bad" - his words. He finds it hard to believe. I think he feels that H has caused grief in the family but a key problem is that the marriage has broken down. I'm not sure he accepts the abuse element. Their M was a very argumentative and difficult woman and he is used to this sort of volatile environment in the family. I will now be wary of him. He means no harm and is genuinely trying to help but clearly lacks judgement. SIL is a brilliant support.

Your dv workers are obviously privy to far more than any of us here.

They have experience and expertise in these matters, and you are best advised to be guided by them.

Do talk to you dv worker about other options such local authority/social housing which will enable you to make a complete break from your H, and from the past.

However, it could be that returning to the marital home after the necessary Orders are in place, locks have been changed, general security beefed up etc, may help your dc come to terms with recent events and their altered circumstances.

I

Hi Precious - just seen this thread. I am glad you have got out and that you are feeling safer. The next few days/weeks will be strange and probably difficult, but it is the start of your new life. Do stay strong, and don't be afraid to lean on the support of your friends and the various services available to you. It's what they are there for.

I think your DV worker is probably right about your H's intentions with the house. This is going to sound really cold, but you're going to have to assume every action from him at the moment has malicious rather than kindly intent. The fact he is calm is really emphasising this to me. He isn't displaying the erratic reactions of someone who is so upset they can't think straight - quite the opposite, his calmness shows that he can think every action through perfectly in order to try and hook you back in.

Please try as well to shed this notion, at least where your H is concerned, that you must appear reasonable, or attempt to avoid aggravating things. It doesn't matter if he gets aggravated, if you are not within his reach to aggravate. Let the police deal with him. Remember that he is the one who has caused all this. It is not unreasonable at all to react by following the legal channels which are there for these situations. You said that you are surprised at the level of support now, as opposed to the level of support before leaving. Remember this every time you hesitate over the next step or wonder if you are over-reacting. These people are professionals, they have seen this kind of situation before, and I can tell you that abusers do operate to a script, almost like they have all been to some kind of creepy school of control or something. Listen to what the DV workers have to say, take their advice, take every protection available to you. Like you did when you took the big step of leaving, you will find that the more you take the opportunities available to you, the more support you have available, the more control you will gain back. If you did get the various orders etc, you would always be able to drop them in the future if you felt it warranted it, but gaining them later on without doing so now would be a hell of a lot more difficult. Go for everything you can even if it seems like overkill. I can't stress that enough.

Good luck x

I would agree your DV worker needs to talk to the school, if necessary they need to talk to the LA too, as the school either: doesn't understand the seriousness or has inadequate safeguarding policies. This does need to be a long term thing whilst your H is in the area.

Hi Precious, I have been lurking since the beginning and am so pleased that you left with your DCs.

My DM has just gone through something vaguely similar in that my DF was very EA and she was granted a non molestation order quite quickly. I know you say you think things like that might inflame the situation, but one of the benefits of the non mol is that the police are aware of the situation at home and will come as soon as called. If you call them regarding your H I think they HAVE to come and arrest/remove him from the situation (I think that is right.)

With the occupation order, even with 20 months worth of evidence and 4 witnesses, the courts still didn't find in my DM's favour. They did tell DF he had to leave, but the terms were slightly different. It was given a different name and only lasts 12 months, but can be reviewed and renewed after that period.

My advice to you is to document Every Singly Little Thing if at all possible. Keep notes, details of times and phrases, make sure to document any witnesses. In DM and Df's case, some of the threats made against my DM were appalling (albei nowhere near as considered and sinister as the ones you haev suffered) but because it was her word against his it couldn't be taken as gospel... or something.

I'm not trying to be sensationalist or anything, but if it comes to it, you will feel all the better for having the weight of solid proof behind you.

A diary can be used as evidence in a court of law. So keep one, and record everything he says.

just read the whole thread and have wet eyes. Thinking of you lots xxxx

Murder fantasies are not something to be taken lightly. The sad truth is that over 2 women are murdered every week by their partners and this nearly always happens at the time of leaving. It rarely happens later, and rarely happens before. It happens at the moment they realise the abuser has lost control. That's what I was taught anyway, and I have had training in this area.

Precious, now is the time to be very safe.

BIL is protecting his brother, managing the situation, pacifying, delivering old sandwiches from exP to draw you in. He shouldn't be anywhere near you because it is possible that exP has an emotional hold over him too. I am interested to know what support SIL is giving - does she see exP's behaviour for what it really is? Has she got any other stories to tell about what he's like?

slightobsession the Occupation Order is about who has rights over the property until the children are 18, and the other one you were thinking about is an Exclusion Order.

(mummytime - is that true? Not wanting to hijack but I have a diary from when my father was violent to me and he said that it doesn't prove anything and I could have just made the whole thing up for my own reasons. )

Bintofbohemia - a diary is the same as contemporaneous notes. It is definitely able to be used as evidence. However, just like with all evidence the defence will try to discredit it - but it is far, far harder to discredit a diary than it is to discredit what you say now with regard to something that happened many years ago.

Even what you say online can be used as evidence.

Interesting, thanks. (Sorry for mini hijack.)

Precious the arson team you can contact from fire station will seal up letterbox. However my ex bent it and double one needed. I would consider going to a refuge...your h sounds like he could win BIL around to get info for H.

The calm before the storm is very common in classic Psychopathy. After all it is you that is crazy and OTT in his mind. Please be very careful...you need to watch and wait...which is the hardest sometimes.
Trouble is sometimes is police will not act until the damage is done...hope they test the food.

It may be a very different story if and when Court Orders requiring that he vacate his home are served on him, although any such orders issued ex parte will be for a finite period of not more than 28 days and, again, I suspect that he will do his utmost to mount legal challenges before resorting to other means - if, in fact, he has a propensity for actual rather than threatened mayem.
I had an ex parte non occupation that was issued for 12 months straight off by the judge. That was was fairly recently too, so they can be for up to a year even if exparte.

Oh and listen to DV worker, she knows what she's talking about. And I agree with the others regards his apparent calm dimeanour... that is an act!