Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship - my story

[preciouslittlegems]

Sorry, this is long! I'm just not sure what to think about a conversation I had earlier with DH. He was not joking and this is set in the context of a relationship that has broken down and we no longer share a bedroom. He is bitter as he wants things to return to the way they were, for us both to compromise. I don't want to because he has been quite severely empotionally abusive and I don't want to get emotionally involved with him again, as I feel it is not a good place for me to be. I am being supported the local DV service because of the abuse. I am finding it really hard to leave the relationship because I don't know how he will react and today's conversation has made me even more uncertain (he has also threatened to kill himself many times).

I was preparing dinner with a sharp knife. He came up to me and told me not to stab him with it (he said the same thing last week). I took it as a joke and replied I'm not in the habit of killing people. He, speaking quite seriously, told me that he often thinks about killing people and asked if I do. I said no, of course not. He said he was surprised given the state of our relationship. He said he thinks less about stabbing people and more about suffocating and poisoning people. He said he lays awake at night thinking about it a lot. I was stunned at this point but decided to find out more. I asked if there was any one in particular he thought about killing (I could see where this was heading) and he said it was me he thought about, in particular poisoning. I calmly told him that he would go to prison and he said only if found out. I told him that he would be a prime suspect and he then went on a bit about things I do that upset him, including sharing with family and friends things he would rather I didn't (the abuse). I asked how he planned to poison me he said he wouldn't tell me because I would run off and phone someone and tell them. I asked if that was the only reason he wouldn't tell me, as I would not have a clue how to poison someone. He said that I have no idea what he knows and that he knows a lot more than I realise.

I sound very calm above but I don't feel it. This has freaked me out and is the reason I don't leave as I am unsure what he is capable of. He has mentioned poison to me a few times, e.g. told me there is poison in my cup of tea he has made me as he hands it to me (for no reason).

Am I being paranoid? Should I laugh it off? Am I unable to take a joke? He was definitely not joking but if I asked him about it again or involved other people, he would say I couldn't take a joke. He regularly makes really nasty comments to me. Since the incident he has been in a bad mood and barely talked to me apart from to shout a bit and criticise various things I have done and the state of the house.

I would just value any views. Do you think he has said this to frighten me to behave and be a proper wife again and not leave, or is there something more sinister to worry about? I feel this is the last straw but I am scared. I feel trapped.

'do to you while' etc

Are the windows secure, doors locked? If so, the only other precaution you should take is to block the letterbox.

We have just been discussing this and think probably not a lot. It's late and we're tired.

BIL earlier delivered a strange selection of food from fridge at home, sent by H. We have decided not to eat it, given Sunday's conversation. Probably totally paranoid but can't quite bring ourselves to enjoy it!

Both DC are aware of the situation (appropriate to their age) and are being brilliant. DC2 got upset tonight but was very tired at the time, so I'll see what he is like tomorrow.

Thanks Izzy - yes, we will tape up the letterbox. We had just been discussing doing that with brown tape.

Please make sure your school know about all this - My Ex tried the school thing on but they knew the score - if necessary keep them home because without a court order he can still legally pick them up etc. If necessary get the Police to contact the school for you - I did this. And please please be really very careful now as he has nothing to lose and that can sometimes ramp up their behaviour.

Above all well done and take care x

Hi, I think you mentioned earlier on about an injunction/occupation order and would strongly advise you to go and see a solicitor about these very soon. The court will probably give you an exparte non molestation injunction within a day or two but you must not delay - it's an emergency procedure and you need to crack on with it tomorrow.

An occupation order won't be granted ex parte (without him having notice of it) but I think you have a reasonable chance of getting one in tandem with th non-molestation injunction. An occ order tells your dh to get out of the house and not return. There will also be an exclusion zone around the house and if he breaks the order he's liable to go to prison for contempt of court.

You can find a local family specialist on the website www.resolution.org.uk

Not paranoid re the food at all Precious - wise!

Yes it may just be mind games but frankly why take the risk. Sooner you get the injunction the better. Though presumably he doesn't know that is happening yet?

I told school on Monday and they were very helpful but today when I picked up DC2, he came out of school as normal and looked for me. I didn't get the impression that a teacher had checked to see if H was there first. i'll have another word tomorrow.

Please also make sure you carry a personal alarm - I was given one by a DV charity and it gave a good deal of reassurance. It would also be a good idea to change telephone numbers and lock down all internet stuff if you can. Contact your bank too and freeze everything - the last thing you need is a huge debt if he goes on a spending spree (bitter? moi?)

So BIL has been round to see him, and picked up food from the fridge. I find this very strange behaviour on his part, too. Is he your dh's brother or your dh's sister's husband? Try to keep him right out of it, anyway, he doesn't sound remotely trustworthy.

The school thing is a problem - it might be better to ask the to keep your DC in and you go in and collect them. Messages can get lost in schools and another teacher might not know and make a mistake (as was nearly the case with my dds) 0 Legally it is hard for them because a parent with PR has rights so please do be absolutely honest with them about your situation. I was so embarrassed to explain but it did help a lot. My school took it upon themselves to not let their Father pick them up but actually it was against the law for them to do it until I had my court order with no contact.

No he is not aware but I am worried that BIL may decide to tell him as he is very understanding of me and our situation but has obviously loyalities to H and doesn't feel he would really do anything.

BIL told me that H is very calm about the whole thing. He is sitting watching TV and is not coming across as upset. Seems a bit too calm. Perhaps he is in denial and thinks we will come back. He packed another bag of stuff for school tomorrow and asked BIL to deliver it to us. He has not tried to contact the DC or even texted DS1. No texts to me today. It seems very quiet.

I'm at a loss to understand a) why your H would send you food b) why your BIL has acted as take-away delivery man for your H unless you requested him to do so, and c) in what way is the food 'strange' given that, if it came from your refrigerator, presumably you purchased it before you left the house yesterday?

If you have any doubt about the food that has been sent/delivered from your home, keep it refrigerated and ask the police dv officer you spoke to yesterday to submit it to the police lab for testing, or ask your solicitor on Thursday to submit the food to an independent lab in order to obtain a report as to whether it contains any harmful substances.

However, please be aware that any chain of evidence has, in effect, been contaminated as the food passed through a third party's hands before being delivered to you and there has been a lapse of time before it can be tested.

If you are in any doubt as to whether you are safe in your friend's home, or whether your presence puts her in jeopardy, you are best advised to move into a women's refuge or to an address unknown to your H and your BIL.

School said they could do it for a few days but no longer. I was very honest about the situation and they seemed to have experienced similar before. DS1 will keep himself inside the school building until I text him to meet me.

Can I just tell you mine was cold and unemotional about things at first - that is because he thinks you will come back. After the calm stage myself and my dds had hell unleashed on us, writing about it now without even telling you the details makes the hairs on my neck stand up (I am happy now but not sure I am ever going to get over it). Not trying to scare you but the detached thing is something I have seen and I mistook it for coping. If your wife has left and taken your children is calm the emotion you would be feeling?

I agree with Izzy, you need to move on asap for the reasons she has stated

Part of the problem was that it was the food I was preparing when he started to talk about stabbing etc. Also, one item of food was the sandwich I had prepared on Sunday night to take to work for lunch on Monday, and forgot to take. I'm not unduly worried but found it all a bit odd - also that BIL brought it round, as you say.

Precious please - I can't believe that you have let him know where you are. He has clearly lost his mind and anything can happen. You know the details of your situation better than me, but I think the authorities are crazy not to put you in a safe house. Brother in law shouldn't be getting stuff to deliver to you. He is too involved, as you say - he wouldn't believe his brother would do anything. You are talking about taping up the letterbox FFS. You don't feel safe - you need to go somewhere you will be. I don't know but it sounds highly unsatisfactory to me. I would be concerned about the no texts. Sorry to be such a worrywort - I have had DV training and you are at the highest risk right now.

Regarding school - get there earlier to make sure the teacher doesn't let him out.

The food thing is odd

Mind games on his part I guess?

Yes, the calm is really bothering me. I think he thinks we will be coming back. I don't think he realises how serious it is, or he does but thinks i'm just being silly and will come to my senses soon. It's hard to second guess, but I really don't like to calm. He is in denial at the very least. I do still worry about his health too. i went to the Drs about it too yesterday, partly to say I feel he is unwell and need help and to stress the suicide issues. The Dr said there is nothing she can do unless H presents himself for treatment. He can't be sectioned at the moment - not bad enough.

Precious, I also think you should keep BIL out of it and eventually consider moving and not telling BIL where you are, or anyone who can't be trusted. This is not an ordinary break up and you don't need people around who undermine the validity of your experiences.

Have you considered contacting the police and giving them the food he sent round?

He threatened to kill you by poisoning and then sends food round, I would be handing it over to them asap because if he has done something to it then you need to know.

Take care x

I think mind games is right but for what purpose?

I didn't want him to know but BIL told him. However, it was not hard to guess as my F and I spend a lot of time together and he would expect me to go there. The kids are BF's too. They have also been through a nasty divorce over the past 2 years and understand the situation. The police and DV teams I had spoken too today and yesterday seemed to think it OK to come here. Perhaps I should call DV worker tomorrow and explain that he knows my situation and we are worried about what happens when I serve the order.

If BIL is the husband of your SIL the doctor, and you are not in direct communication with him, I suggest you have a word with her and ask her to ensure that he specifically doesn't act as a go-between you and your H insofaras any foodstuffs are concerned.

I'm surprised that you're having to wait until Thursday to see a solicitor in respect of injuctions/restraining orders; this isn't satisfactory as it leaves you and your dc in limbo, so to speak, for an unacceptable period of time.

With regard to your H's present behaviour, you have said that he works and therefore, to all intents and purposes, he is a functioning member of society. The menacing content of his conversation with you on Sunday is, effectively, your word against his.

As I have intimated before, it is unlikely that your H can be compelled to attend any examination as to his current state of mental health unless he behaves in such as way as to pose risk to himself or others.

Have you managed to speak to your SIL, and is she willing to support your assertions about your H's mental state with her opinion?

Yes I agree I think in the short run you should move somewhere new - even if only for a few days until you can get the legal stuff sorted. I would also advise keeping the DCs home from school for a while. I know that seems drastic but you need to see how he reacts when it becomes clear that you are not coming back.

When he realises you are serious you could be in big trouble. You do need to move asap and keep the kids at home until orders in place and they (the school) have agreed a plan with you about how to proceed with safety for your children.