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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not smutty - genuine question - you must answer honestly!

161 replies

handlemecarefully · 14/12/2005 15:58

Sorry to ask such an intimate question but I would like to know how often you and your partner have sex (and how old your children are...because I wonder if the two are related).

Don't post unless you are going to be honest.

I'll go first: only about once every other month! (so about 6x per year) - due to my total disinterest...(currently seeking help to find my missing libido - poor dh ). Children are 19m (immaculate conception!) and 3.5

The reason I wish to know is that this is a taboo subject which people understandably don't always discuss, and I just want to get a feel for the 'norm'. Was particularly prompted to ask after geekgrrl's thread where she mentioned that she and her dh get jiggy with it twice per week and people jokingly bantered that he should consider himself lucky. So I suspect that there are some relationships where it is infrequent.

I'm not after any gratuitous details!

OP posts:
GemgleBells · 15/12/2005 15:35

I've got too say, to go against the norm, that I fancy my Dh more since having Dd. We still haven't done it yet, but that's not down to lack of desire - more the fact that I tore and I'm very afraid it's going to hurt. Seeing how natural he is as a father has made me mad for him.

FlameRobin · 15/12/2005 15:36

I'm about once every other month at the moment lately too... for us, it was stress planning the wedding, then tiredness with pregnancy, and now DH's libido is off playing with yours somewhere by the sounds of it!!!!

DD is 30 months, I'm 30 weeks with the next one.

(Haven't read whole thread, just answering original post)

FlameRobin · 15/12/2005 15:37

I'm about once every other month at the moment lately too... for us, it was stress planning the wedding, then tiredness with pregnancy, and now DH's libido is off playing with yours somewhere by the sounds of it!!!!

DD is 30 months, I'm 30 weeks with the next one.

(Haven't read whole thread, just answering original post)

FlameRobin · 15/12/2005 15:43

I think DH's libido has wandered off because we had about 2 years where sex was so painful I would be in tears by the end. He was scared to hurt me, and I was nervous, so he left any initiation down to me... after so long with that, we have never been able to settle down properly again. He stopped asking because he didn't want to upset me, and its sort of dwindled.

I have peaks and troughs, and have realised that if I want to do anything, I just have to attack him and he gets into the idea of it fairly quickly .

Mine libido is also severely hampered by the pill... planning on going on non-hormone coil after the baby, and I am hoping that will improve things too.

lazyanna · 15/12/2005 16:22

I don't think that my libido is the same as it was, but I would like to feel that he wants me, at all - Somehow he seems to be having some sort of PN issue.

melrose · 15/12/2005 16:28

Pagan:"I was absolutely gagging for it to the extent that I had to self indulge every day" Now there is taboo subject!! Does anyone else still get very turned on by this "self indulgence" but not as much by actual sex? and if so do you talk to your DH about it?

Eaney · 15/12/2005 16:35

Good to know it's common to have low libido. We do it about once a week but if it was up to me I would quite happy never do it.

DS is 6
DD is 10mths

NOthing to do with DP just wish I felt like myself and not a scivvy.

notasextherapist · 15/12/2005 16:36

I went to a womens disscution group about three years ago and we all seemed to see it as another chore almost.Another thing was that some of the women had the attitude that sex was to give men enjoyment.When asked if your partner was a better lover would you want more sex most said ohh yes.

Don't know whether it changed me or just timing.

My libdo has gone up and up and we have sex or play nearly every day.My children are 9,7 and 3.
I think the reasons are

  1. My partner had the snip 3 years ago. I no longer have the fear of becoming pregnant

2.My children no longer wake me up at night
3.I am now older i feel more confident with my body than i ever did.
4. I take more care of myself again.
I think sex really has a lot to do with the way you feel about yourself.If you pamper yourself and put care into yourself and have self time it really helps you to feel sexy.(when you have small really dependant children this is hard).
5. I talk and think about sex alot of the time and read education books too

When you are with your partner before children you get lots more sex and affection.Affection is part of foreplay for lots of women.When children come along your give and recieve lots of affection from your children and the desire for affection from partners less maybe.
I know that when i had smaller chidren i would be breastfeeding, cuddling and caring for them all day long and having lots of contact and at the end of the day feeling drained and my space invaded almost.Then when partner came home and wanted sex i just felt like there was one more person trying to invade my space.We barly had sex at all.In those days I so wished i could have sex but just couldn't bring myself to do it.

So this is my theroy??? hope it makes sense.
Regualar poster but maybe having probs at moment.

FlameRobin · 15/12/2005 16:44

I don't have the sex as a chore thing, but then, I have never had sex if I didn't want to - if I am not in the mood, I am not doing it. If he tries, then I can be coerced, but then it is because I have been turned on, and not out of obligation. Same with him, if he doesn't want to, then he ain't doing it.

I hate the idea of all the people out there who just do it to make the other partner happy

FlameRobin · 15/12/2005 16:44

I don't have the sex as a chore thing, but then, I have never had sex if I didn't want to - if I am not in the mood, I am not doing it. If he tries, then I can be coerced, but then it is because I have been turned on, and not out of obligation. Same with him, if he doesn't want to, then he ain't doing it.

I hate the idea of all the people out there who just do it to make the other partner happy

FlameRobin · 15/12/2005 16:44

argh - keep double psoting on this thread!!

notasextherapist · 15/12/2005 16:51

Flaminrobin it is sad isn't it.Don't think i would be to happy either if i knew my partner didn't want it and was doing it because they felt they had to.Very sad.Then again some men not all don't really care as long as there needs are met.Not a very honest relationship but it does happen.

emkana · 15/12/2005 19:49

This is so interesting, thanks for starting this thread hmc. On a thread with a related topic not too long ago I said that me and dh haven't done it for over three months now because I am pregnant and have been feeling seriously rubbish. Another poster suggested that this must mean that my dh is getting it elsewhere , because no man could live without so long and still be cheerful, which dh is (most of the time anyway).
Seems like other dh's can cope with not "getting it" as well, which is good to read.
Still, I agree, not a desirable state of affairs, but not sure what to do about it. Will think about it more when not pregnant anymore. Have only really felt really, really, really wanting it once since dd1 was born more than four years ago.

FlameRobin · 16/12/2005 08:35

Nice!!! Cos no men can be patient and faithful!!!

I always get looked at like I'm a freak when I say that DH doesn't notice other women - like I must be blind or lying, but even film stars he doesn't have much interest in. Think he's just got a girly sex drive

FlameRobin · 16/12/2005 08:36

Nice!!! Cos no men can be patient and faithful!!!

I always get looked at like I'm a freak when I say that DH doesn't notice other women - like I must be blind or lying, but even film stars he doesn't have much interest in. Think he's just got a girly sex drive

Hulababy · 16/12/2005 08:52

On average a couple of times a week I guess. Sometimes more; sometimes less.

DD is 3y8m.

Pagan · 16/12/2005 13:43

Melrose - I never discussed it with DH at the time. I did make it obvious that I was up for it but he was a bit put off which I understand. I'm sure he could add 2+2 together. It's a very taboo subject but I never have an orgasm through straight sex so if he's not twiddling then I have to, even during sex, IYSWIM.

serenitysaysHoHoHo · 16/12/2005 14:26

To answer the original post first...

We're down to once or twice a month too. A mixture of tiredness, DD having to sleep in our room, and my stupid working hours. I think we've also got out of the habit, as I tend to have zero desire for a year/18 mths after giving birth (to the extent that DH on top - not even actually doing anything - would give me panic attacks) This thread is quite a relief really as the only RL BF with kids I can talk to about these things seems to do it morning noon and night, and makes me feel we're a bit odd

melrose - I'm with Pagan on the 'self indulgance' thing. Have to, or else the whole thing with Dh is fun, but not fulfilling iyswim. Don't tend to discuss it with him at other times though...'Hi, what are you up to this afternoon?' 'Well, I popped down the shops, and the when I got make I felt a bit self indulgent so I stuck DD in front of CBeebies and went for a quick....' well, you see what I mean

Am I going to regret posting on this thread?

PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo · 16/12/2005 14:51

We were in the once-a-month-if-we're-lucky brigade too, until we began TTC at the begining of this year. I don't know what happened to my libido, I don't know whether I ever really had one, I only ever felt lusty in our first year together and during pregnancy. There were other issues.

But it seems to me that the best way to regain any libido is actually to make love more often. After several months of TTC immaculately (OK, things were very stressful this spring, for non-relationship reasons), we realised that it wasn't going to happen on its own, we made a real effort to, as someone put it, get jiggy. And found that the more often we made love, the more often we wanted to and the easier it was to get down to it.

You really need to dedicate time to it, and do sensual things together wihtout the expectation of full-on sex, just to rekindle a bit of sparkle. Also, try getting sensual in the veyr middle of your cycle, during your fertile time - that's when your hormones are most up for it, and are most likely to give you a helping hand.

Mind you, it still averages out at about once a fortnight for us, just it comes in bursts (oh sorry, dreadful pun! ). Our children are 5 and 3.

partypooka · 16/12/2005 15:11

I'm also really glad that this thread was started. Lost sex drive when conceived dd. Then had god awful stitch-up after labour so sex out of the question (wasn't that bothered - sign that libido still low?). Then conceived ds after trying for about 5 months, but only having sex about 10 times. And now - he's 3 months and have had sex once. And I really don't feel remotely sexy. Body OK, stitches fine. Just don't have that flame - and it's not dh, it's that I just can think of lots of things I'd rather be doing, like sleeping.
Am breastfeeding and will be for the forseeable future, so would be interested if there were any supplements that could be taken to boost libido without effecting ds.

RudolphsAuntMabel · 16/12/2005 15:28

So it's not just me then? I lost my sex drive when I conceived DS1 (4 in Jan), DS2 is 15 months and the sex drive is very ilusive! In fact there's probably one day a month when I actually feel like it, prob. is DH has quite a high sex drive....this means that I tend to just put up with if you know what I mean . Wish I could tell him but I doubt it'd go down well after so long. Still regarding the frequency, if I'm lucky once a month, but usually it's twice a week or thereabouts.

The thing he doesn't seem to understand is that after b/feeding both and squeezing the kids out I don't feel all that sexy, and after getting up at 4am every damned day, looking after them both all day by the time they've gone to bed the last thing I want to do is have sex. I just want to sleep dammit!!

RudolphsAuntMabel · 16/12/2005 15:29

Partypooka - breastfeeding does kill the sex drive anyway. sorry.

partypooka · 16/12/2005 16:33

Well thzt'd explain it!

Rudolphthebluenosedteddy · 16/12/2005 16:36

Once a month at best ATM, but less if I can get away with it!

ChristmascomesYEAHBUTonceayear · 16/12/2005 16:37

I'm sure there is a hormonal element to it all. I think I have a healthy libido but as SOON as I am pg my sex drive disappears completely. Post-childbirth, it usually takes a good year before I feel that my libido is back to normal. Since the children came along (now 6 and 4) I do find that exhaustion does play a major part in how often dh and I manage it (about once a week).

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