Not smutty - genuine question - you must answer honestly!

[handlemecarefully]

Sorry to ask such an intimate question but I would like to know how often you and your partner have sex (and how old your children are...because I wonder if the two are related).

Don't post unless you are going to be honest.

I'll go first: only about once every other month! (so about 6x per year) - due to my total disinterest...(currently seeking help to find my missing libido - poor dh ). Children are 19m (immaculate conception!) and 3.5

The reason I wish to know is that this is a taboo subject which people understandably don't always discuss, and I just want to get a feel for the 'norm'. Was particularly prompted to ask after geekgrrl's thread where she mentioned that she and her dh get jiggy with it twice per week and people jokingly bantered that he should consider himself lucky. So I suspect that there are some relationships where it is infrequent.

I'm not after any gratuitous details!

Ws going to change my name but decided not to.

Haven't had sex for over 10 years. Not my choice - I really miss it.

DS is 4 and is an IVF baby.

The whole area is a minefield in our house - gaving sex, having another baby etc et.

DH asked me what I wanted for Xmas and I said "sex - with or without you"!!!

Once or twice a month - although I'm trying to get it down to high days and holidays only . Libido is around here somewhere, I'm sure! Kids are 8 and 6 - and dh and I are very happily married, thank you!

This thread has cheered me up lots as I am always feeling bad a bout how little we have sex, DS 18 months and lucky is we shag once a month, in fact I think the last time was about 6 or 8 weeks ago. Trouble is I do still quite like the idea but DH always too tired! We always end up arguing about it if we have had a few drinks and he assures me that he still oves me / fancies me. We have a great time when DS around, but fewel i am "Mummy" now not "wifey" - any advice (as most of the threda seems to be about the situation the other way round) as I am gagging for it!!

This thread has cheered me up lots as I am always feeling bad a bout how little we have sex, DS 18 months and lucky is we shag once a month, in fact I think the last time was about 6 or 8 weeks ago. Trouble is I do still quite like the idea but DH always too tired! We always end up arguing about it if we have had a few drinks and he assures me that he still oves me / fancies me. We have a great time when DS around, but fewel i am "Mummy" now not "wifey" - any advice (as most of the threda seems to be about the situation the other way round) as I am gagging for it!!

hmc, really interested in what you've been advised to do and would be interested to hear more! I think me and dh could probably do with paying a bit more attention in this department...
We probably manage about once a week but dh would like more and it is a bit of an issue between us. I find my libido is very very hormonally dependent - massively high during pregnancy, and varies loads during my cycle - only really want it around ovulation - I also found the pill wasn't great for my libido.
I'm dreading the menopause....it could kill off the last vestiges of desire....

About once a week - dd1 is 7 and dd2 is almost 9 months.

Tbh we are both usually too tired at bedtime unless we make a concious effort to go to bed early. It's usually on a Saturday morning when dd1 is at ballet and dd2 is having her morning nap!

Not sure what we'll do if dd1 ever decides to give up ballet .

I think the most important thing is for you both to be happy with the frequency. If I felt that I had to do it more often just to please him or keep his agression levels down (wtf????!), I'd end up feeling very bitter and resentful.

So having sex often doesn't mean a healthy marriage at all if one of you feels pressurised into it.

I have a 5 week old baby, before he came along 1-2 a week since he arrived we have had sex 3 times, twice in one night and boy did we pay for that the next day , I expect we will settle back into 1-2 a week soon but I'm not really that bothered at the moment.

twice, since DS2, who is 4, though I have been trying VERY hard to get DP interested

It's interesting that most of us posting on this thread (myself included) have found that our libidos have disappeared since having babies, whatever our relationships are like with partners, so this, admittedly tiny, survey would definitely point to a chemical or hormonal cause. But doctors just mumble about tiredness or strain of a new baby and fob you off with a "Wait and see, things will improve with time". I hate not having a sex drive any more - I feel as though a really vital part of me has gone.

satine this is exactly what I said further down - why is there such a reluctance to even investigate a hormonal/chemical cause?

I don't think some doctors understand how depressing it can be to have no libido and what a strain it can put on a relationship. Or perhaps it's just not a priority - although Viagra was invented, for men. My dd is 19 months old now and I'm waiting impatiently for the first signs of a sex drive again.

it's such a common experience that it can't be a coincidence can it?
to answer the original Q
3 to 4 times a month
loads more when pregnant (hormonal again?)
dd1 2.5 and dd2 1 month
really very keen to get on with it at the moment but clearly not a good idea
i agree that the more you get etc etc. I would say also for a moment that flying solo is also the way to go. I think many people's sex drive drops off when they have children because they think they haven't got the time or energy for the full works.
I would say just do what you have time for... to keep your hand in.
god I think I had better stop now with the euphemisms.

Children are 5 years old and 18 months. We now make love nearly every day, but before second child it was much more often.Pregnancy doesnt put me off at all. I am always moaning at Dh that we dont make love enough so now I feel .I must appreciate him more.

BTW HMC i actually had another Ds two days ago, but i assume you are asking about in general and not the week after birth...LOL

You asked "Those of you who 'partake' of it more often. Do you look at your dp / dh and think 'phwoar'? ". Sometimes yes. But mostly I am overwhelmed by how much I love him and what a good and kind man he is. I am more turned on by our whole relationship if that makes sense.I guess it helps that he is a very thoughtful and considerate lover IYSWIM.

Should also add that you would laugh at this is you knew us - we are the opposite of most people's idea of a passionate / sexy couple - very middle aged and boring ...so glad mumsnet is anonymous

hmc, thanks for your last post - will try those ideas because hell I need to try something!

Can I ask a thick question?

Can women take viagra or is it just for men?

Everday but no kids. Get interupted by housemates banging on door a lot though.

1 - 2 x per week. We always talk about trying to increase the frequency, but ds is a little nightowl so it tends to knock out any evening plans. Have to try to wake before him now to get anything done!

Virtually never...not at all since ds2 was born (15 months) and not a whole lot before that apart from for procreative reasons. Neither of us enjoys it although we love each other very much and are really close and physically affectionate. It does really worry me, and make me feel guilty, but it's not the sort of thing you get the opportunity to talk about very often, is it?

I must have a really fab GP, because when I asked about my low libido after I'd had my second child, she asked me if I wanted us referred to a therapist, and was there anything else that I thought would help!

nuffindoin - I believe there is something similar to viagra that is specifically for women. I'm afraid i don't have the first idea of how to get hold of it (gp?) though.

Harpsi I felt the same when pregnant - I was absolutely gagging for it to the extent that I had to self indulge every day as DH wasn't too enthusiastic in case he harmed the baby but as soon as it popped out - wham libido gone.

And (this is quite intimate) I noticed than whilst pregnant and before getting pregnant, my erm labia were of baboon proportions. Again, as soon as the baby was out they shrunk to virtually nothing. My pal says she was the same - just wondering if this is common place and that once they start appearing again does this mean that you are becoming more sexual again (perhaps I've been watching too many wildlife programmes0

Never enought for dh who sulks like a boy if he thinks he is being shortchanged. So I say sulk away you will get even less, ha.

My only advice is to Make An Effort. Even if it is the last thing you want to do, Make An Effort. I find the atmosphere brightens considerably the next day if certain people have had their oats.

Buy some nice underwear. I can recommend the silk seamed stockings from Agent Provocateur. Ahem.

HMC, don't let this thread die, I am very interested in your counseling sessions and what happens. I wouldn't dream of asking my DH to take viagra--it is just not worth it in terms of health risks. Now they are saying besides heart attacks that you could go blind from it. I would just love to get that part of him back. We are still very affectionate, just not doing the actual act. Thanks for starting the thread.

Quite erratic - sometimes we manage it three or four times in a week, then three or four weeks can go by with no action at all.

Well I have a two year old child and me and hubby have had sex twice since he was born.