Not smutty - genuine question - you must answer honestly!

[handlemecarefully]

Sorry to ask such an intimate question but I would like to know how often you and your partner have sex (and how old your children are...because I wonder if the two are related).

Don't post unless you are going to be honest.

I'll go first: only about once every other month! (so about 6x per year) - due to my total disinterest...(currently seeking help to find my missing libido - poor dh ). Children are 19m (immaculate conception!) and 3.5

The reason I wish to know is that this is a taboo subject which people understandably don't always discuss, and I just want to get a feel for the 'norm'. Was particularly prompted to ask after geekgrrl's thread where she mentioned that she and her dh get jiggy with it twice per week and people jokingly bantered that he should consider himself lucky. So I suspect that there are some relationships where it is infrequent.

I'm not after any gratuitous details!

I was in a longterm relationshiop a few years ago where we had sex at least twice a day. Morning and evening. Bloody exhausting. I used to doze through the morining one and just make appropriate noises.

This is not my real name; don't want to be known as a nympho!

Current relationship is few times a week. Normal. Phew

HMC I am basically the same as you

we tried relate but it didn't really help - there are no OTHER probs, just this one. dh gets really hurt by it, but i just have zilch libido. Cab't even compare to the past cos conceived dd within weeks of being married and hadn't had v good time getting used to sex before i got pg.

hoping one day we'll get there but no idea how.

ds12
dd3

about 1-2 times a week - dp works away a lot now, but tbh I'm no overly fussed, although I do love.adore and fancy him to bits
DD is quite labour intensive, slightly SN so feel like I'm out of loving by 9pm.
Plus now ds stays up after 9 and we hit the hay around 10pm you can never be sure he's not awake and it just feels wrong...
We are very affectionate though.

dts 12 and 16 yo

whenever he has a bath and brushes his teeth - so tis up to him.

ok maybe if he gave me a massage

Probably about once every ten days. Combination of a young child (21 months), some after effects still from stitches, the Pill and Prozac have killed my libido. Forgive me if I am wrong HMC, but have you been taking ADs recently? That may well have some effect.

It's been, lets think, ds2 is 5yrs 4months, so his conception was about the last time, so that would be roughly 6yrs 1month since our last session.

My DH hasn't made love to me in over a year. We are going to to do this saliva testing thing. I feel terrible about it. I believe I was always higher sexed than him, but after our DD was born things have gone downhill. We have been married for 12 years, DD is 11 and we I have two stepsons. Life is stressful, but I still have a drive and it is difficult to deal with it. I love him very much and it is so hard not to take it personally or feel that he is simply not attracted to me. It bothers me a lot, but I don't discuss it with him very much. It is the only area in our relationship that could use a vast improvement. I miss making love very, very much. At least he has agreed to this testing and we will be able to see if it is hormonal or chemical and go on from there.

i want it more than i actually have the energy for (have 11 wk old baby) we used to have it about 4/5 x a wk (alot i know but dont you know the best things in life are free!!) now its about 2x a wk if we are lucky depends whats going on how tired we are etc cant wait til baby is sleeping through and in her own room so we can have our privacy back! we're lucky dd1 (6) is good at staying in her room once she's been put to bed.

fuzzywuzzy & ironmaiden, sounds like my dh. we used to be very kinky & adventurous when we first met - as dh likes to remind me rather regularly - and now it's all just a plain old shag really. I'm just too knackered to do anything spicey or do it more often, I've been up several times a night for nearly 7 years now with the kids and it's robbed me of most of my libido. I do feel guilty - dh signed up for a marriage with 'swinging from the chandeliers with various toys' woman, not 'not tonight dear' wife.

I'm 28 yrs and dh is 31 yrs and we probably have sex roughly 2 or 3 times a month
DD1 is 7.8 yrs and dd2 19 months.
To be honest I have no sex drive and haven't since I got pg with dd1 and once I am pg I am physically sick if I even see dh naked which isn't a turn on for him.

It used to be about once a month but now we're ttc and i find it really hard!!

(and so does dh!!)

DH and I have been together for 11 years and still have it most days. It did calm down a bit while the Dtwins were very small,but its picked up again over the last few years, they are now 7yo.
It's not as wild as it once was but we both still enjoy it, and he gives me an orgasm almost every time we have sex, so can't really complain.
Actually,I must dash I think it's half time in the footy and I promised him a shag in front of the fire

I can't answer this because Jools will read it and there's no point changing my name as the ages of my kids will give it right away!

Brief points I'll make/agree with:

the more you do it the more you want to
relationship is much better if having it regularly - less arguing, stress, more likely to be nice to each other and help each other out!

DP and I are very similar to Jac. Just lately have been getting on really well and so its twice a week, when we have bad patches it can be once a week....we just can't wait any longer even if we aren't talking we've always had a good sex life though and have been together 7 years. DP doesn't pressure me or make me feel bad about if I am tired but he has always been like that.....its lovely he would always rather wait until we were both up for it.

Oh yes and agree with GG that if you are satisfying each other then the rest of your life is more satisfying too.

I find the older my dh gets the randier he becomes. He would do it every day if it were upto him, realistically it's twice/three times a week. But, like Kama, we visit Ann Summers together, I wear sexy underwear etc.

I think it definatley helps your relationship if you have a good sex life. Just think how loved up you both feel after a good session!

My Gran used to say you had to service your man on a regular basis to keep them loving and attentitive and less aggressive.

Once a week (ish) I'd say, which dh thinks is rationing in the extreme. He acts as though he is very deprived.....bless him and his hormones.... I'm sorry to say I only have sex when I feel guilty ie I can't remember when the last time was! I'm on ADs which I know doesn't help. Dd is 10 months.

ds is 10mths.
no action here for months....
mainly due to exhaustion i think, ds being a terrible sleeper since turning 6mths & therefore sleep being like gold dust in our house.
i do miss it tho, & hope we're not doing our relationship any harm iykwim...

I'm off to tell dh he should think himself lucky!

oh its good to read this thread snd feel oh so normal! thought i was a freak not wanting sex often,
ds 22 mths, dd 7.5
on average we make love once a week, sometimes i just do it to ease the guilt, sometimes i want to, but my libido has diminished with kids/work etc, all i want to do in the sack is sleep!

yeah linny, me too! I was feeling like a defective typewriter 'til I read this thread and now I'm just one of the girls!

Interesting!

Umm - impressive memory feastofsteven; I was on ADs for a while but stopped those around 6 months ago...so probably wouldn't still be a factor?

Littlebitshyofbethlehem - I'm interested you said that you tried Relate and it didn't really work...we tried them when this problem first arose (circa 3 years ago) and it wasn't promising so we didn't go back. However, we have recently started seeing them again and I have full confidence in my impressively educated, perceptive pyschosexual counsellor. Maybe we got the wrong person last time. It is too early to have made a difference yet (we've only had 4 sessions and the first 3 were mostly history taking).

These are the observations that she has give us (this may help some of you who are in the same boat). Dh and I have great reserves of determination and energy which he channels into being 'The provider' (i.e. work dominates), and I channel into (aspiring to) a PHD in parenting (I take it all way too seriously and seek - but rarely attain - perfectionism as a mother). We don't leave any room in our lives for 'us'. Does this ring true for anyone else?

Also when we do have any down time he collapses in front of tv and I do my own thing.

As kama says, my pyschosexual counsellor agrees that you have to put some effort in. When we first meet a new love interest, if we invited them around to dinner at our flat we would have soft lighting, music, maybe the waft of a scented candle....and yet when we've been together for a while we expect rampant passion without any added 'preparation' or mood setting. Unrealistic.

She's given us home work. At least twice per week we have to:

Switch off tv, not answer phone. Put on something comfortable and sit somewhere appropriate (in front of our fire - cliched but still potentially romantic) and talk for around 45 mins to 1 hour. We can't discuss the children or work. We should also be tactile with each other (but not sexually) cuddling and sharing affection for at least 15 minutes. And then we should do something nurturning for each other - we've decided head and neck massage.

The theory is that this will re-establish some intimacy and hopefully desire. Let's face it - foreplay for women at least is more to do with feeling 'connected' and loving / loved by your man than any amount of twiddling he can do.

I'll let you know if it works.

She's also told me to order 'My secret garden' i.e. to read some erotica (OOh I say, missus!)

I ought to get off mumsnet and talk to him now I suppose!

I think the pill kills your libido.