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Original poster

I'm going to confess to an affair

136 replies

Completemess · 03/09/2011 06:48

My grown up children have found out I have been having an affair, and have told me I have to tell their dad. Ironically one of them had found a thread on here I was using to help me to stop, and told the others. I've name changed for this. I've told him I need to talk to him this morning, but we went out to a party last night, and had a lovely time, as I wanted one last night of 'normality' before I drop the bomb.
I love him so much, and am mortified about the hurt I am about to cause. Obviously I know I should have thought of that at the time. I'm going to take complete responsibility for it, even though we have been having a few problems, and just hope that he forgives me, but I'm so scared. I don't think he'll be up for another couple of hours, so just wondered if anyone had any advice for me?

OP posts:
IfoundmyGspot · 03/09/2011 06:51

My advice would be be honest with yourself

vole3 · 03/09/2011 06:53

Have you cut all contact with the affair partner? He will need to know this and you may need to show him emails / texts to prove it.

You can't tell him about the affair without giving him an indication of what you want to do next, and more importantly what you hope he will do next.

You are going to have to answer all of his questions with the complete truth, no matter how painful you find it. If he feels that you're holding out you will never be able to regain his trust. You still might never manage it, even if you do all that he asks of you.
That is the risk you have taken with your marriage.

OnlyWantsOne · 03/09/2011 06:56

Good luck Smile have you got some where or some one you can talk to in RL to help support you both x

Original poster
Completemess · 03/09/2011 07:00

I have cut all contact, but as I've done this before he probably doesn't know I mean it this time, yet. I deleted all the texts last night, and there weren't any emails. I've told DD I want to go for counselling, and hopefully get DH to come to couples counselling too ( though can't see him agreeing to that one). It's telling the whole truth that scares me, even talking to DD yesterday I was holding back, as I've got used to the lying I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Completemess · 03/09/2011 07:03

Only - I've got some brilliant friends, who did try to talk me out of it, but I don't want DH to know that I'd told anyone about it I think. However, I'm hoping my BF will be there for me. I've let the DC's down so badly as well, they thought I was perfect, and I'm just a fuck up.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 03/09/2011 07:05

You say you had a thread on here to help you to stop the affair - has it stopped?

I would strongly recommend that you don't mention that you needed help to stop. It would make a bad situation even worse. Ditto that your grown-up DC know about it and have forced your hand.

I think you are doing the right thing in terms of taking full responsibility - in the end, your DH didn't push you into having an affair, it was your choice, so it is the right thing to do.
Make sure any apology is completely unconditional. Make sure you tell him you love him and wish with all your heart that you had never done this.

And be prepared to accept that he may not forgive you. If he gets angry, take it in a spirit of humility - do not try and justify yourself. Keep apologising, tell him that you love him, tell him that you want to stay with him but that he must decide where to go from here - he has that right.

Good luck.

Thumbwitch · 03/09/2011 07:06

Sorry, x-posted re. the stopping of the affair. The rest of my post doesn't change though.

Original poster
Completemess · 03/09/2011 07:14

Thank you Thumb. I was honestly going to talk to him today about 'us' and how we could improve, but then DD confronted me. I was planning on telling him they knew, and therefore I had to tell him, but I can see that it does look like I'm telling him because they made me, which is true. I have thought of offering to move out for a while, god, I'm crying again, and telling him that there was nothing he could realistically have done to stop me I think. And we're meant to be having a big dinner party tonight, and I'll have to ring everyone and say I'm ill I think.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 03/09/2011 07:41

I wouldn't offer to move out either, unless he suggests it; I really would leave the ball in his court on that one.
Otherwise he might see it that you are actually leaving him - and going off to the other man, despite your assertion that you have finished with him. Trust is going to be an awful lot harder to rebuild if you are living elsewhere, so leave that alone.

Saying that "there was nothing he could have done to stop you" - no. Don't even go there. I have recently posted on another thread about positive language - even putting those words "he could have done to stop you" out there will cause him to think about anything he could have done to stop you, even though you said "there was nothing" - the nothing will not register anything like as strongly as the rest of the phrase. Make it all about you. Say "I did this"; leave him out of it as much as you can because obviously you weren't thinking enough about him when you started the affair, for whatever reason.

Thumbwitch · 03/09/2011 07:43

Sorry, that last bit sounded a bit harsh, I meant to go on about something else but got sidetracked and pressed post too soon.

I would cancel the dinner party, yes. It sounds like you can't now wait another day before telling him, and he is certainly not going to want to play happy families in front of friends after the bombshell - so it would be a kindness to cancel it (to both of you of course).

Original poster
Completemess · 03/09/2011 08:00

I know what you mean about the positive language bit, I hadn't thought that. I'm assuming he will ask me why I did it, though. Can see I need to think that one through better - 'I was a woman possessed' won't cut it. I had thought offering to move out would show how sorry I was. I really want to 'prove' I didn't mean this to happen, but realise I have to have some strategies for moving forward, rather than wallowing in the mea culpa bit. But that's what I have to do to start with.

OP posts:
chris123456 · 03/09/2011 08:01

The complete truth - even that your kids and friends know - because he'll find out anyway

limetrees · 03/09/2011 08:09

I just want to give you a quick piece of advice.

I have been on the receiving end of an affair and I would have been hugely offended if DH had suggested that I needed to attend couples counselling because of it. I didn't decide to have an affair.

What you need to understand is that whatever the problems you had in the marriage (for which responsibility can be shared between you and your DH), the decision to have an affair was yours and you are 100% responsible for that. IMO if you want him to have any hope of forgiving you, you need to take all responsibility for the affair.

It is a point, quite secondary to the initial discussion you have with your DH, that the 2 of you may benefit from counselling to improve your relationship, but you must see those problems separately from the affair - because your DH had nothing to do with that.

Thumbwitch · 03/09/2011 08:10

well yes chris - but not in the first instance. If he asks if they know, Complete, tell the truth - but do not volunteer the information at the initial confession if you can avoid it.

Would you have told him if your hand hadn't been forced? I mean, the alternative is to tell him that you are telling him because your children found out and it is only right that he knows as well - but given the choice you wouldn't have hurt him by telling him for the world.

It's a tough call really.

I know that there are some people who would prefer to have never been told - and that the guilty party has only told them to relieve their own guilt, never mind the hurt that is caused - I know that's not what you are doing, you are telling him because your children know - so perhaps option 2 above is the better choice, who knows. You know better than us which is going to be worse for him, even if you don't know exactly, iyswim.

(sorry about sentence construction, btw, hope it makes sense - I'm typing as I think so it gets a bit disjointed)

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/09/2011 08:10

Perhaps talking about why you did it is the key actually. It might also help give you both a better idea about what you both want/need for the future.

Did you have an affair because you felt invisible at home? Was it the attention and excitement of someone new? I think these are the usual reasons but, assuming this is not something you make a habit of, that may give you both some better understanding of how/why it happened. Not trying to give you an "excuse", but if you both understand why it happened you have a better chance of lessening the chances of it happening again.

Original poster
Completemess · 03/09/2011 08:12

He's just got up, so I'm going now. Thank you.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 03/09/2011 08:12

And, having said that, maybe it's not a good idea to talk about the why with your DH unless he asks but you need to be clear in your own mind about how you ended up here...

chris123456 · 03/09/2011 08:24

I think if everything comes out today although it will be ghastly for you both - at least there will be no more to surprises round in the corner. In my case I was drip feed half truths over a period of months and would have much preferred to know everything up front.

cornishblue · 03/09/2011 08:39

I don't think trying to prove you didn't mean it to happen makes it any better. On the contrary, that sounds like you aren't taking full responsibility for your own actions.

Moving forwards is all very well but you need to tackle your demons head-on if you truly wanted your marriage to survive this (assuming your H is prepared to give it another chance). So seeing a counsellor on your own would be a better place to start - this would not only help you identify and work on your weaknesses, but also show him that you are serious about sorting yourself out.

GloriaVanderbilt · 03/09/2011 08:51

From reading this (and I haven't seen your other thread) it sounds as though you are still having trouble deciding that the affair was the wrong decision, and haven't chosen your DH as such but have been more forced into a corner.

I don't know, but there's basically no way to convince HIM that you want the marriage to work and stop all contact with the other bloke, until you've convinced yourSELF.

and I think if you'd convinced yourself you wouldn't even be asking for ways to make him believe you. It would come entirely naturally.

I may be wrong but that's how it comes across - quick, I'm in trouble, how can I make him believe I'm telling the truth even if I'm not really, sort of thing.

ImperialBlether · 03/09/2011 15:38

I hope you're alright, OP. It must be awful having to admit to something like that, when you know he'll be upset and think less of you.

Did you say you'd had an affair before that your husband knows about?

My ex husband had a lot of affairs. I always wonder why people stay in the relationship when they could leave. Your children are adults now. Did you ever think of leaving your husband?

Mollydoggerson · 03/09/2011 15:46

How selfish of you to have wanted one last night of normality, you just continued to play him like a fool, to suit yourself. Surely you have had many, many nights of normality with him, you didn't value them enough in the past.

Bit late now to be moaning.

ChippingIn · 03/09/2011 15:46

Oh god, I feel sick for you :(

I know it's your DH I should feel sorry for (and I do), but I wouldn't want to be in your shoes today. I hope you have learnt from this and I hope your DH is prepared to listen to you and work towards trying to forgive you.

ChippingIn · 03/09/2011 15:50

Imperial - no, she meant she'd cut contact with the OM for good, but as she's done that before but gone back to him, he (the OM not her DH) may not believe she means it this time.

ChippingIn · 03/09/2011 15:51

Molly - yes it's a bit selfish, but none of us are perfect and I'm sure I'd have wanted the same thing too. She wasn't playing him like a fool - no one else at the party knows about it. It must be great to be so perfect though.