I'm going to confess to an affair

[Completemess]

My grown up children have found out I have been having an affair, and have told me I have to tell their dad. Ironically one of them had found a thread on here I was using to help me to stop, and told the others. I've name changed for this. I've told him I need to talk to him this morning, but we went out to a party last night, and had a lovely time, as I wanted one last night of 'normality' before I drop the bomb.
I love him so much, and am mortified about the hurt I am about to cause. Obviously I know I should have thought of that at the time. I'm going to take complete responsibility for it, even though we have been having a few problems, and just hope that he forgives me, but I'm so scared. I don't think he'll be up for another couple of hours, so just wondered if anyone had any advice for me?

oh dear

it's the "nest of vipers" syndrome, what a shame

in your next post, amelia, you need to mention the word "bully" and then you will have the full complement of bingo cards for "what to say when someone disagrees with me on Mumsnet"

Amelia - you might think this is pack mentality but it isn't. It's a bunch of people who at various levels have felt that the OP may be relaxing and thinking she has "got away with it" - she may have but she needs to be aware of the realities of the situation and the potential fall out. No one here knows what is going to happen - but there is every reason to give her a heads up on potential outcomes or she could get a helluva shock later. (she might not, of course).

What has happened to the OP? Haven't read all the responses but -

Why does everyone care so much about 'making the marriage work'? Perhaps she would be happier without him. Perhaps her husband knows she is fed up, for whatever reason, and wants to try to make things work - 'punishing' her will not draw her closer to him and he proably know that too.

Perhaps the OM was a great shag and her husband is hopeless in bed (just kidding folks!!!)

Who knows? Why do people care so much, it has to be projection, surely?

To put it in perspective, if I discovered my partner had an affair, I would be somewhat curious. (he is very discerning in my opinion but then I would say that wouldn't I?) but in no way would I feel the vitriol that some of you feel. I would just hope that she wasn't a bunny boiler, but I would trust him to have some discretion on that one!

I would probably rationalise it and put it down to a combination of the factors that I mentioned as to reasons why the OP may have had an affair (mentioned up thread). People are only human, after all and not everyone manages to stick to all the marriages vows for 60 years. Yes - it's a biggie but people can and do get through it and you have to consider that some people are not getting sex/intimacy/whatever rocks their boat within the marriage and after a bit they can't stand it any more.

This sounds like you feel it is all wrapped up pretty quickly and things are calm because you have decided to go along with the version of events that your dh is comfortable with and can accept. Although this is highly convenient and somewhat let's you off the hook I have a feeling you both haven,t even scratched the surface and the true fallout will happen down the road if you don,t thrash it out and accept full responsibility now. You are de
Suing the inevitable

Delaying I pad hopeless!

Amelia, what you see are some women who are for the most part telling the OP to come completely clean.

As we have seen many on these threads on MN. As we have lived through these situations ourselves. We want things to work out, if that is the right thing for the relationship.

I'm somewhat concerned that you have got mightily annoyed because hardly anyone seems to agree with you when you say that the best thing to do is to stick your head in the sand and hope everything goes away.

I am NOT saying that there must be more hurt to come for the H. What I am saying is that in a few months, when the dust has settled, the DH will probably see things a little clearer. And he won't appreciate any further lies.

And sometimes it's none of the things you've mentioned tadpoles. Sometimes it's just the lure of someone new, or someone younger, or the illicitness itself. All things that cannot be provided in a marriage. You seem to have a very narrow and probably comforting view that as long as someone is providing what they always have for their partner, he or she wouldn't stray. Not the case I'm afraid.

Strange you've overlooked the vitriol towards the DD who in all of this, needs compassion and understanding for the terrible shock and burden passed to her since she made her discovery. Wonder where that projected vitriol came from? And why?

tadpoles, it's good to know that you know exactly how you would react to the revelation of an affair. I suspect that you would be surprised. Your views of the causes of affairs are very outdated.

I am sad for the DD and hope that she is all right.

Amelia - you are right when you say that people do have affairs that are never discovered and that sometimes this is the best solution. I am one of those people, having had two undiscovered affairs a few years ago. I had those affairs not because I was unhappily married, but for the reasons that Charbon described upthread; an ego-boost, the chance to have sex with another man and for the adrenaline that the illictness provides.

But I didn?t stick my head in the sand when my affairs ended (I ended one, OM ended the other one.) I took responsibility for what I had done and sought counselling to understand why I had chosen to be unfaithful so that I could stop it happening again. And yes I do live with the guilt of my undiscovered affairs. But I chose to have those affairs, and I now have to live with the consequences of my choice.

You also said, Amelia that you feel that other posters had doubted the OP?s DH?s reaction when he blamed the OM. Surely the important point here is that the OP shouldn?t allow her DH to let her off the hook, even if he is trying to protect himself. As Pfft said he is taking the line of least resistance and it?s upto the OP to put him right about the choice she made so that there are no further lies between her and her DH.

Disambiguation - you said that you assumed that MNetters would like to see the marriage survive and that her DH should believe what he wants to, in order for this to happen. I want to see this marriage survive, but the only way this can happen, now that OPs affair has been discovered, is if she is totally honest with him about the choices she made, rather than going along with his head in the sand approach that she was ?taken advantage of?. She also has a responsibility to herself to get to the bottom of why she cheated. If both parties live in a state of denial then there is the danger that this will happen again.

It may be that the marriage doesn?t survive. It may be that there are tensions in the marriage that have contributed to the OPs decision to look for sex outside of her marriage. What is important is that any further discussions are conducted in openness and honesty, with no secrets or half truths so that they can both decide whether or not to continue their relationship.

I don?t think that the majority of posters here are being self-righteous. Many of the responses here are borne out of the pain of adultery experienced by DW/DH and OW/OM

I don't think anyone on here has been unduly judgemental towards OP actually. It's a public forum, everyone is entitled to their opinions (to state the bleeding obvious).

Both my parents had affairs when I was a pre teen. I found out about two of them. It is a HORRIBLE feeling on so many levels - so confusing, sickening, worrying.

Yes this daughter is 18 but she is still very young and has found out something devastating.

She can't possiblly be asked to keep such a secret from the other parent - I cannot believe anyone fails to see that

I am 'appaled' at Amelia and others. What a staggering lack of empathy and understanding for this young woman.

Completemess - how are things going?