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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm going to confess to an affair

136 replies

Completemess · 03/09/2011 06:48

My grown up children have found out I have been having an affair, and have told me I have to tell their dad. Ironically one of them had found a thread on here I was using to help me to stop, and told the others. I've name changed for this. I've told him I need to talk to him this morning, but we went out to a party last night, and had a lovely time, as I wanted one last night of 'normality' before I drop the bomb.
I love him so much, and am mortified about the hurt I am about to cause. Obviously I know I should have thought of that at the time. I'm going to take complete responsibility for it, even though we have been having a few problems, and just hope that he forgives me, but I'm so scared. I don't think he'll be up for another couple of hours, so just wondered if anyone had any advice for me?

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 04/09/2011 16:39

Err, Kayano, this thread is mostly telling the OP to take responsibility for her actions and not blame anyone else, actually. So you're not really going against the grain at all.

MrsHicks · 04/09/2011 16:39

Kayano, I totally agree with you that there are two standards on here, but I think some more realism and thinking of men as actual human beings wouldn't go amiss on the other threads rather than more slagging off of the women who post they've had affairs.

limetrees · 04/09/2011 16:54

Animation, I really disagree with your post: Sun 04-Sep-11 16:19:47

The DH can take some responsibility for the marriage having problems - most definitely. However - the decision to have an affair was nothing to do with the DH - the OP must take full responsibility for having the affair. If there were problems in the relationship, the OP should have sorted them out - not had an affair!

wannabefree · 04/09/2011 16:57

I agree Kayano. There's a massive case of double standards going on here, and it stinks.

In threads where the man has had the affair:

Tell him to move out. He risked his family, let him see what he's jeopardised.

You mustn't blame yourself that your husband had an affair...what a twat!

Woman has an affair and its:

Don't be silly, there's not a court in the land that will let him kick her out and lose her family

Your husband MUST have some role in the fact that you decided to go and have an affair.

Even though the OP says she's completely to blame.

What a crock of the smelly stuff.

Animation · 04/09/2011 16:59

Of course she must take responsibility - but at some point this couple have to figure out how to make the relationship work. This will include looking at stuff that went wrong on both their parts - not in a fault finding way particularly. The OP will have to ask for what she needs from her DH - so that she doesn't end up looking elsewhere for it.

Thumbwitch · 04/09/2011 17:00

Are you only reading the posts that fit your hypocrisy theory or something? There have been plenty of posts berating the OP on this thread! Confused

wannabefree · 04/09/2011 17:02

Imagine the outcry if on one of the numerous threads on here in which a woman talks about discovering her husband's affair people were to jump in with:

Think hard OP, what did you do to drive him to this? Were you distant emotionally? Were you not giving him enough sex? Were you to occupied with the kids and didn't think of his needs? It takes two to tango and you really need to think of your own part in all this.

I just think the double standards is very unfair and it makes me really cross.

limetrees · 04/09/2011 17:03

OK let me put it bluntly. The main reasons for affairs are the following traits in the cheater:

  1. Arrogance (loves the adoration of new partner, thinks won't get caught)
  2. Selfishness (doesn't care about effect on spouse/kids etc)
  3. Stupidity (failure to think through consequence).

These are totally identical for both men and women.

There are lots of exceptions, but the above applies to a huge number of affairs.

Animation · 04/09/2011 17:06

The more you condemn the OP I don't see how you're helping her.

She says that the affair was all her responsibility.

limetrees · 04/09/2011 17:10

I wasn't really posting that last post to condemn the OP, I was just joining in the discussion with Kayano etc. Sorry OP.

I do maintain that OP and DH must face up to what happened and work to get over it rather than just thinking it is dealt with because OM was a baddie.

Thumbwitch · 04/09/2011 17:11

Well she did to start with, Animation, but her DH and BF have both suggested that she was taken advantage of at a vulnerable time and she is "happy to go with that" - whether that is just on the face of it, or whether she starts to believe that is a very important point. She needs to remember that this is her responsibility, not the OM's, as her DH is trying to suggest (for his own protection, no doubt, at this stage).

wannabefree · 04/09/2011 17:13

It's the double standards I am condemning, not the OP.

I don't think making excuses for the affair is particularly helpful either, as it probably makes her think what she did was understandable.

A bit like when there's a culture of cheating at a workplace and that sort of behaviour becomes normalised.

ameliagrey · 04/09/2011 18:17

Some of you have very skew- whiff moral compasses.

FWIW I have several friends who were party to their parents' affairs- and kept quiet.

They felt it was none of their blinking business.

Her daughter had a choice- not to lie- but to live with some information she had stumbled across . She chose not to and throw the whole family into turmoil, based on her own needs- not her mother's. or even her father's. Her needs.

It is interesting that as per usual this thread has turned into a tirade against someone who has slipped up once in a long marriage.

And added to that is the 2nd guessing about whether her DH can really forgive her- and doubting his words.

FGS get a grip- an affair is painful but it is not the end of the world or the very worst anyone can do to another human bing IMO.

Some of you are too holier than thou and love to preach from the comfort of your own supposedly perfect lives.

FemaleYouNicked · 04/09/2011 18:37

Plenty of marriages survive affairs, though reading MN you wouldn't think so! It's not the be all and end all for everyone and that also doesn't mean that the non cheater has just sat back and put up with it. It means that it has generally been a crisis point and couples have reassessed their relationship and decided that they want to improve their marriage and stay together.

Animation · 04/09/2011 18:44

"Her daughter had a choice- not to lie- but to live with some information she had stumbled across . She chose not to and throw the whole family into turmoil, based on her own needs- not her mother's. or even her father's. Her needs."

I disagree.

No the daughter should not be expected to live with the information. She obviously loves her dad - and at that point the OP had to take responsibility for the situation she had created and do the right thing - come clean.

The thing about an affair is - it only works if it's conducted in secret.

eslteacher · 04/09/2011 19:04

For what it's worth, I feel for you and I hope that this, telling your DH the truth, is the first step to a happier life for both of you, in whatever form that may take.

ameliagrey · 04/09/2011 19:04

Animation the affair was over from what I gather.

All this does is show that at 18 her DD was still quite immature anad lashed out to hurt her mum.

She didn't stop to think that her actions might even destroy her parent's marriage.

Why do you- and plenty of others- want to lash out now and hurt this woman even more by condemning her behaviour?

I am sure she is hurt enough at what she has done.

Plenty, yes plenty, of people carry other people's secrets with them to the grave; they take a balanced view that it would cause more hurt to reveal what they know than to live with the knowledge.

It does not surprise me that an 18 yr old could not do that.

I do know that my mother had knoweldge of her brother's string of affairs- so much so that when he died suddenly, she and my father covered his tracks- letters etc- so his wife never found out.

My parents have kept this to themselves for over 30 years- his wife ( widow) will never know. And I think they were right.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 04/09/2011 19:13

I think that you need to take a hard look at yourself and take responsibility for your actions.

STOP thinking badly of your daughter. You had an affair, it isn't her that has betrayed the family. If it wasn't for her, your poor husband probably wouldn't even know!

And DO NOT ALLOW your husband to take the cop out route of blaming the OM. Saying that he misled you - are you going to allow this to stick? It might make you feel a bit better - you are getting off lightly with this way of thinking. Plus, it's very tempting for your DH - he can't face what you have done, so constructs an idea of an evil OM tempting his wife to betray him.

Stand up, take full responsibility and tell him EVERYTHING. You must be absolutely honest if your relationship stands a chance.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 04/09/2011 19:14

Amelia - the daughters actions have not destroyed the marriage. If the marriage is destroyed, this is because of the actions of the OP. No-one else. Let's not blame an innocent 18 year old.

TheOriginalFAB · 04/09/2011 19:22

One could argue that if the dd hadn't found out the op might not have told her dh, and the affair might have stopped without ever being discovered.

wannabefree · 04/09/2011 19:31

ameliagrey Ahh, I wondered why you were so passionately angry with the daughter! Believe it or not, some people like would actually prefer to know if they've been living a lie and everything they thought was real was a sham.

Has it occurred to you or to your parents that your brother's 'wife' might have preferred to leave the cheating so and so and find somebody who actually had respect for her had she known the facts?

Ignorance is bliss only when knowledge doesn't give you any new choices.

I wouldn't trust my parents if they could do something like that. I'd always wonder if there was anything major that they were keeping from me.

Animation · 04/09/2011 19:32

"All this does is show that at 18 her DD was still quite immature anad lashed out to hurt her mum.

She didn't stop to think that her actions might even destroy her parent's marriage."

Not at all - nothing to do with the daughter at ALL!!

The OP has already taken full responsibility. Stop trying to burden the poor daughter with this.

shesgotherlipstickon · 04/09/2011 19:40

Ahhhhhhh it's all clear. Whoever said those blaming the DD, were projecting earlier, had it bang on.

It seems those who are blaming the dd, do think you should go to whatever lengths possible to deceive other people and let others do so and cover it up. As this is what they have been taught by their own families.

Moral compass indeed, I laughed, then laughed again.

ilovemyteddy · 04/09/2011 19:41

Given that the OPs DD 'found out' on MN about her mother's affair I think it would be a good thing if we could stop debating whether DD was right or wrong, as she could be reading this thread right now. I imagine that the OPs DD is going through enough turmoil as it is.

FemaleYouNicked · 04/09/2011 19:45

I think the daughter was wrong but at 18, just immature. Only because i was all righteous when my parents broke up and now that i'm older realise it was no where near as simple as 'an affair' that ended the marriage. FTR, my mother wishes she never had left but everyone's moral outrage on her behalf made her feel like an idiot for staying.

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