I'm going to confess to an affair

[Completemess]

My grown up children have found out I have been having an affair, and have told me I have to tell their dad. Ironically one of them had found a thread on here I was using to help me to stop, and told the others. I've name changed for this. I've told him I need to talk to him this morning, but we went out to a party last night, and had a lovely time, as I wanted one last night of 'normality' before I drop the bomb.
I love him so much, and am mortified about the hurt I am about to cause. Obviously I know I should have thought of that at the time. I'm going to take complete responsibility for it, even though we have been having a few problems, and just hope that he forgives me, but I'm so scared. I don't think he'll be up for another couple of hours, so just wondered if anyone had any advice for me?

x posts. I agree with maleview.

I've seen it happen...the innocent partner blaming the other woman or man entirely, then finding that actually that doesn't work.

It's a form of denial. It shows how much of a shock it was to him. instead of letting his life fall apart he's made up something to get him through the shock.

You seem so unaware of what you have done.

Completemess - I am glad that things have worked out so far. While it would be more hoest to take full responsibility for the affair, it might be more hurtful for your DH - more than he can bear at the moment. He has created the delusion that the OM has taken advantage of you ( not completely wrong but you were at fault as well) to protect himself, IMO... you could of course choose to shatter that comforting delusion for him, but why hurt him more?

What you must not do, again IMO, is start to believe yourself that you were somehow a victim in this scenario. You know how much of it was your fault - remember it.

Forgive your DD as well - as someone said, it's hard to lie to one parent to cover up for the other when you don't at all agree with what is going on, and too much to ask of her or any of your DC.

I hope that you and your DH can move on from this but you must remember it as it really happened.

Well, I am sorry but I still stand by what I said.

What DDs behaviour shows is immaturity- she discovered something she found distressing and decided to "punish" her mum, and off load her own feelings, by telling her father.

I think that DD ought to have talked to her mum about it- but left out the blackmail of telling her father.

Her relationship is with either parent- she is not judge and jury on their marriage.

I suspect she did this as a knee jerk reaction, to salve her own feelings of disappointment that her family was not as secure as she had believed.

Her other option was to try to understand why her mum had had the affair- and show some compassion- not run and tell tlaes.

"If you are, 18 year old daughter, please leave the site and allow your mum some privacy. You would be outraged if she read your private documents. She has the right to her private thoughts."

The 18-year-old daughter has as much right to access a public forum as anyone else. 18-year-old daughter, if you are reading this, I am sorry you were put in this awful situation. I hope you are OK and able to talk to your friends and siblings.

OP, your husband and you both seem to be in major denial, imo. I hope it all works out for you both but it does not sound like a healthy relationship to me.

Yes this is an earth shattering revelation. This is just the start of a long process of recovery - you need to insure you have the tools to see it through and for god's sake dont you dare blame your daughter, you should apologise unreservedly to her.

Well Amelia you stand by your opinion but it is apparent that this young lady needed to get the covert, seedy situation out in the open which is a far healthier perspective than sneaking and lying. That's my (and quite a few other's opinion anyway.)

"What DDs behaviour shows is immaturity- she discovered something she found distressing and decided to "punish" her mum"

Not at all. The DD was in an intolerable situation - made worse by her mum wanting to carry on as before seeing this other guy and deceiving her dad.

Ag of course she sounds immature, she is 18, extremely upset and shocked. It would have been far more damaging if she felt forced into keeping the secret. Only for it to implode years later. The truth will out.

The immature one here, is the op. Who is od enough to know better. Having the affair, then being careless with leaving a trail.

I am still concerned that no guilt or responsibility be put on this 18 year old girl's shoulders now that it's all in the open and dad's very upset.

Op - Don't kid yourself and believe that although your Dh is upset but willing to start again that you have got off lightly.

He is, as other's have said, in a state of shock and therefore at the moment is blaming the affair on the OM, he's also expecting to act normal in front of your friends tonight.
I think the worst is yet to come and you will probably find that your DH will not be able to forgive you after all. How can he trust you again?

Unbelievable that some people are focussing on blaming the daughter and not the person who had the affair in the first place

"when DH asked have 'we' got a problem, I said 'no, it's all me'. "

That is unlikely - there is always another side to this kind of situation, in fact by taking all the 'blame' you are effectively scapegoating yourself.

Just curious - why did you have an affair? I presume there was something missing in your marriage which is why you were prepared to take the risk. I doubt many married women with children would embark on an affair just for the 'thrill' of it, but maybe I am wrong.

With regard to teenage children getting involved - I would consider that a complete no-no. Really not their business or problem. An 18 year old cannot possibly comprehend the complexity of adult relationships and nor should they act as judge and jury in their own parents' relationships. Just my view.

Posting on the Internet like this hardly warrants the title private correspondence.

It sounds as though you are trying to turn yourself into a victim here. The mean man took advantage of you and pushed you into an affair. Then mean daughter pushed you into confessing.

Why on earth should an 18yr-old be put into the position of having to deceive or lie to her own father just to cover up the selfish actions of her mother? And a lie by omission is still a lie.

The only one who has behaved badly here is the OP.

Amelia - the DD said she found the info in June or July so seems to me that she gave her mum ample time to tell her H and resolve it herself

When she didn't and continued playing happy families/ all is well with the world the daughter had EVERY right to do what she did.

No blame should be put on her AT ALL!
Blame lies soley with OP

And the married men who have affairs tadpoles? Or is it just women who are so saintly that they must have been driven to it? If there are men around who can't keep it in their trousers (and we know there are plenty), doesn't it stand to reason that there are women like that too?

I agree Gwendoline. Too many women hide behind the irrational belief that they were "driven" to have an affair, or that they were the hapless victims of a cad. It's good that you've said "it was all me" to your H OP, because invariably, that's the complete truth. Certainly, it would be totally wrong to put any blame for this on to your H and if he starts taking any responsibility for it, don't let him.

Similarly, your DD should be entirely supported for her stance. You have put her in an intolerable position for too long.

I think the posters who are being harsh about the DD's actions are projecting - and probably have their own secrets that wouldn't bear scrutiny.

I think you need to be more honest with yourself and then with your H.

It was not all the other man being dishonourable and taking advantage of a vulnerable woman. This passes all the blame on to him and leaves you as a victim. What a pile of crap.

You had a choice. You made the choice. Perhaps your H could have been there more for you during a bad time but you made the choice of rather than sorting things with your H but to lay down with another man.

You wouldn't even have come clean now if it wasn't for your DD.

If you go down this line and pretend to be the victim there is nothing to stop you doing it again as you are not taking responsiblity.

Completemess

I am glad that your DH is willing to try again. However, I would point out that this is going to be a long, hard road. I know because my DH cheated on me 18 months ago after 10 years of marriage and 2 children. Your DH is in shock right now, even if neither of you know it.

You must totally forgive and forget the involvement of your children in discovery/confession. It is totally irrelevant to what you have done and you are not seeing the big picture. Any negative feelings towards your children are inappropriate. However, you should consider it from their point of view - you have not only cheated on your DH, you have cheated on your whole family - demonstrated by your actions that seeing the OM was more important that living with your DH and DCs. Because your DH would have had every right to throw you out having found out what you had done. And that would have meant you would not live with your children anymore. Just because you wanted an affair with the OM.

You also need to cut the crap re the OM getting to you in a vulnerable situation and take responsibility for your part in the affair. 50% your fault, 50% OM's fault if you like. Although your DH might be putting the blame 100% on the OM at the moment, that will change.

Totally agree with Xales that you need to be more honest with yourself, recognise that you had a choice and that you need to take responsibility for your actions.

OP - I may have come across you on the thread you refered to. If so, then please PM me if you can.

"Because your DH would have had every right to throw you out having found out what you had done. And that would have meant you would not live with your children anymore. Just because you wanted an affair with the OM."

That is bullshit. There is no way in the eyes of the law that the OP would not be entitled to live with her children in these circumstances. We are not living in Saudi, unless you hadn't noticed. Also, her husband does not have a legal right to throw her out of the home. Sorry, but what you have posted is plain wrong.

"And the married men who have affairs tadpoles? Or is it just women who are so saintly that they must have been driven to it? If there are men around who can't keep it in their trousers (and we know there are plenty), doesn't it stand to reason that there are women like that too?"

No doubt there are. But I think that women probably have affairs for other reasons than the 'thrill' of it.

Still curious - why did the OP have an affair - boredom, fell out of love, not getting any sex at home, lack of intimacy, wanted to test the water to see if she was still attractive to other men, doesn't fancy husband any more, can't stand being monogamous any more, fell in love, pure lust, sexual adventure. A combination of all of them?

Also, we do not have the full picture - perhaps DH has a few skeletons jangling around in his closet too? Friend of mine had an affair to escape from her hideous, selfish, verbally abusive husband. Not necessarily the best escape route but it served a purpose, at least it got rid of him. He is now busy making wife number 3 miserable (probably shagging around too, he is such a hypocrite, but loves to play the 'cuckolded husband' victim card.)

I think the reasons women have affairs are as varied as the reasons men do, tbh.
I have a male friend who was the "bit on the side" for a woman from work for years, even when she got engaged and then married! He shouldn't have done it of course but he was single, she was the one being unfaithful. He stopped it shortly after her marriage because he had too many feelings for her and realised she was just using him so regained some dignity and stopped it - she was angry about it and tried to hurt him, but failed (thankfully).

I have a female friend who had an affair near the end of her marriage to her physically and verbally abusive bully of a husband, also an alcoholic. It caused him to divorce her, which was unfortunate in that she came out of it worse than if she'd divorced him - but at least she got away from him, which she may never have managed without the affair.

Another female friend - happily married, lovely child - had an affair with someone from a social club just for the thrill of it (he was single). Her DH found out about it and kicked her out - she was gutted!

The OP has hinted that her mother had just died and she was emotionally vulnerable and probably not thinking straight - but that still doesn't negate the fact that she made a choice to be unfaithful.

Given that the OP's children are teenagers, they can elect to live with whoever they like, so it is certainly not bullshit that the H in this instance (and the childen for that matter) might have asked the OP to leave. It would be just the same if the sexes were reversed - neither would have the right to "kick someone out" in these circumstances, but it would be a foolhardy contrite person, who didn't respect their partner's wish for some space, if requested.

It is incredibly old-fashioned to assume that women's motivation for affairs is any different to men's. I have known a few women who've been honest enough to admit that they had affairs for all sorts of fairly shallow reasons - an ego-boost, the chance to have sex with someone else and sometimes, just for the adrenaline an affair provides. Women can get addicted to that adrenaline and be serially unfaithful too, just like men.

It's just so patronising and irrational to assume that women have got to have some deep-seated reason, borne out of unhappiness, in order to be unfaithful. There's no evidence to back up this outdated assumption at all.

My only criticism of the OP is in her annoyance with her daughter.

Apart from that - as far as the relationship is concerned it takes two to make it work. The DH must take some responsibility for his part in it all falling apart. I don't see this as all the OP's fault. Maybe the DH has his mind on other things, and is somewhat detached emotionally. Must have been on a another planet to some extent if he didn't sense anything amiss all this time -but the kids knew.

It's a bit rich on threads started by a woman crying that her DH left or had an affair we say stuff like

Don't blame yourself
It's not your fault
He is just a twat...

We would never dream of saying things like:
OP we really need to assess what you did wrong as obviously it lies with you why he cheated etc

This thread is so full of hypocrisy ATM and I am so annoyed by it

OPs other half was NOT at fault nor has it been implied by OP that it was
And it certainly wasn't DD fault

So to go against the grain....
OP sounds like a twat and is now looking for excuses
God forbid a woman can cheat without being 'driven' to it

FFS