I'm going to confess to an affair

[Completemess]

My grown up children have found out I have been having an affair, and have told me I have to tell their dad. Ironically one of them had found a thread on here I was using to help me to stop, and told the others. I've name changed for this. I've told him I need to talk to him this morning, but we went out to a party last night, and had a lovely time, as I wanted one last night of 'normality' before I drop the bomb.
I love him so much, and am mortified about the hurt I am about to cause. Obviously I know I should have thought of that at the time. I'm going to take complete responsibility for it, even though we have been having a few problems, and just hope that he forgives me, but I'm so scared. I don't think he'll be up for another couple of hours, so just wondered if anyone had any advice for me?

FWIW - I don't think the daughter should be issuing any ultimatums here. I was in exactly the same position - except it was my Father that was cheating and I came to know - because he told me. I was a similar age to the OP's daughter. I'm not sure if he wanted me to 'understand' him better or if he wanted me to tell my Mum...but I kept it to myself. Although I did tell my Mum - a couple of years later, when she had finally got the sense together to leave him by her own volition.
I'm not convinced owning up to an affair which is over is helpful - but looking at why the affair happened and if you want to make your marriage work, what you need to do in the future makes more sense.

I think that the daughter was probably distraught to find out what her mother had been doing all this time! I don't imagine she acted that rationally when she confronted her mother and she needs some leeway.

Plus, none of this is actually her fault!

wannabee

I am leaving this thread but before I do so, I need to correct you on one thing.

I am a mature woman in my 50s, able to make my own mind up on what I think is right and wrong.

My parent's decision was not some kind of blueprint for my own views on this- it happened 35 years ago.

You know nothing about them, the family or my aunt.

I take great exception to the judgement you make on my parents.

Maybe you have a large chip on your shoulder about being decieved, I don't know.

What I do know is it is not your place to make a character assassination of my family, about whom you know nothing, except this one incident I have written here.

FWIW, they suspected all along hat my aunt knew what was going on and chose to turn a blind eye.

PfftTheMagicDraco

Your post is ludicrous-

the affiair was over.

Can't you see that if the DD had not told , her father may not have found out?

People do have affairs that are never discovered and sometimes this is the best solution- the marriage survives, and whatever guilt the straying party has, they live with that themselves.

amelia , please don't call other opinions "ludicrous"

I have the utmost respect for your opinions I have seen so far (on other threads), but you must acknowledge that not everyone believes that secrecy and burying one's head in the sand wrt to discovered infidelity is the correct course of action

are you saying that OP, knowing her daughters knew she had been shagging another man behind their father's back, should have sworn them to secrecy ?

have you any idea what fucked-up family relationships that would have bred for the future ?

yes, sometimes letting sleeping dogs lie can be the best course of action...but when people so close to the situation are in on the "secret" all it will do is cause untold damage...much more, IMO, than it getting into the open and dealt with

FWIW, I don't agree either with the way the OP has been virtually excused her silly, vulnerable, woolly-headed-female behaviour...she should man up and take the full responsibilty she tried to assure us she had...

Ahh of course. The DD should have to live with the knowledge that her mother has cheated on her father. Not only that, she should keep it to herself, possibly affecting her relationship with her father.

How bizarre.

We don't know that the affair was over. The OP has stated that she has cut all contact with the OM in the past - she has clearly gone back to him more than once.

The responsibility for this situation is the OP's. No-one else.

Of course people can see that if the DD had not told, the father may not have found out

That's the point really right there

He should know, he should not be deceived into living a lie

Neither should a mother FORCE her DD to keep her shady secrets for her, it should not be DD responsibility to bear this burden

You point out that if he hadn't have been told he would be blissfully ignorant and only OP would suffer with her guilt,

That's not the case here as clearly DD would suffer with the guilt of not telling her father. When it got out to others it should be told IMO so as not to burden others with your mistakes

I agree with AF. Of course, as always.

AF is my favourite :D

no one could deny, if the clock were turned back that the 18yo dd should not have snooped

that I agree with

but, once discovered, the damage to the girl to keep a secret that her father was being cuckolded would be immense

and turn the clock back further...if Op had not cheated, there would be no evidence to find

my sympathy here is with the dd and the husband. OP should not be letting her husband make mealy-mouthed excuses for her...that to me smacks of not taking responsibility and I reckon there will be a payment for that somewhere along the line

Why the hell should anyone be expected to cover up someone else's sordid little secret? I'm stunned that anyone thinks that's acceptable. Still, I guess it's what you're used to and if you come from a family that thrives on dirty secrets then your judgement would be skewed.

The one person at fault is the person that, for whatever reason, dropped her drawers for someone that wasn't her husband. I'm afraid that facing up to it comes with the territory. Don't like it, don't do it. And if your idea of a perfect life is not cheating on your partner then yes, so far I have a perfect life thanks. And if it ever changes then the one thing I'd want is to know about it.

beatenbyayellowteacup-Your 18 year old daughter obviously suspected something or she wouldn't have been looking. I disagree with the others - she had every right to protect her father and to tell him - you were lucky she gave you the opportuntity to do it yourself.

quoted for truth ^^

the dishounorable man thing is bullshit too, I think your husband is trying to protect himself from the fact that you did this willingly,

However you were honest so its more than most people can say, hope things work themselves out.

as always AnyFucker your posts are great

I am also stunned at the self-righteousness of those who expect other people (their own fucking children) to keep their dirty little secrets against their own fathers. And god forbid they should be 'immature' at 18. I'd rather be immature than up my own arse with "life's all so grey and complicated, let's not take a moral stand on anything".

That said, life is fucking complicated, but it doesn't mean you dump shit on your kids.

Sorry, wish I had a more prosaic way of putting that!

Turquoise is my new second fave poster

I think there is a hell of a difference between keeping your brother's secret from his wife, an unrelated individual except by marriage - and trying to keep a secret from your own father.
Not morally, but emotionally.

The OP's DD should never have been put in the position of trying to keep it quiet, and she should be forgiven for any part she has played in it.

As most people keep saying - it is the OP's responsibility that her marriage is now in jeopardy (and, OP, whenever your DH realises that his comforting delusion is just that, he might get a bit more angry and change his mind), not the DD's.

ameliagrey I don't get what it is you're supposed to have corrected me on. Perhaps you're mistaking me for another poster?

And no, to my knowledge I have not been deceived about anything major in my life. If I have then I would want to know. If my husband had had 'a string of affairs' I most certainly would want to know, and I would feel humiliated if others knew and kept it from me.

Amelia,

Have you never watched Eastenders? Affairs always get uncovered in the end

Regardless of the DD, I am very concerned that the DH is taking the line of least resistance.

I can see why he is doing it, totally. It's tempting, in that sort of situation, to make it all someone else's fault. You don't have to deal with the situation properly, you can shove it in that little box and push it to the back of your mind, all the time hoping that things will just go back to normal.

But really, it can't work. OP, you must realise this. He cannot live forever with the misguided notion that the OM was some sort of evil Disney prince, who spirited you away from your previous life of good-doing for a moment of recklessness.

At some point, the realisation will come upon your DH. Things will be much easier for you if YOU are the one to sort it out now. You must tell him that he shouldn't be turning you into the innocent party. Because if you don't, then six months down the line, he will realise it himself and feel that you have deceived him all over again.

Eastenders is fiction.
I'm appalled at all the judgements on here - on OP, her DH and DD. A marriage/relationship is the business of the two people concerned and in my opinion, its nobody else's business and neither is the way they choose to handle bad times as well as good. If it works for the DH to do what he's doing, why shouldn't he - whatever gets them through. The OP asked for advice as to how to handle telling DH, if I was in her shoes I would be very much regretting starting this thread.
I'm assuming that Mumsnetters would like to see this marriage survive?
OP, I wish you and your family good luck and I hope you all find the courage to get through this with the least possible pain.
I won't be back until this evening to answer any responses to this - I haven't run away!

wannabefree Sun 04-Sep-11 19:31:28

ameliagrey Ahh, I wondered why you were so passionately angry with the daughter! Believe it or not, some people like would actually prefer to know if they've been living a lie and everything they thought was real was a sham.

Has it occurred to you or to your parents that your brother's 'wife' might have preferred to leave the cheating so and so and find somebody who actually had respect for her had she known the facts?

Ignorance is bliss only when knowledge doesn't give you any new choices.

I wouldn't trust my parents if they could do something like that. I'd always wonder if there was anything major that they were keeping from me.

This is your post which my post referred to.

Your extrapolation, I believe , is that the reason i was "passionately angry with the daughter" was derived from some prototype of family behaviour. T hat something my parents chose to do when I was not even living with them ( and completely unaware of BTW until a few years back when they told me- and by then I was in my 50s) has in some way influenced how I feel about secrets.

And it wasn't my brother's wife- it was my mums's brother.

As I said, you know absolutely FA about them, the family and for what it's worth, all the good deeds they have done for my aunt - and sti l do despite being older than her and in their 80s - since she was widowed.
And before you jump in- it's not from a sense of guilt.

dis the posters on this thread would very much like this marriage to work

that is why, when asked they are giving their opinion on the situation, and though it may be hard to hear for the OP, it needs to be said for her marriage to go forward with any kind of chance

if she wanted it just to be between the two of them, that was shattered when her dd's found out

if she wanted it to stay "just their business" then it's pretty silly to ask for advice on a public forum

and if she wants her marriage to stand any chance of continued success, she should take heed of the warnings within this thread

AF I have respect for your posts, but you are not a moderator.
Not your role to say what I can and cannot say here. Just what do you think gives you that power?

If you dislike something I have written, well sorry.

I seem to recall that you are quite happy to tell posters to "fuck the fuck off" on many an occasion...so people in glass houses and all that.....................

The OP asked for help on how to tell her husband.

She did not ask for a flaming about the rights/wrongs of an affair.

She did not ask for her DH's reaction to the news to be doubted.

She did not ask- as above- for cynical responses telling her in effect "He has not absorbed this yet- the worst is to come- he must surely be more upset than this!

All written to make her feel, frankly, crapper than she did when she posted initially.

I am appalled- utterly appalled, at the pack mentality of Mns on many occasions.

Some of you want to go and live in Saudi where you can stone adulterers and be happy and self righteous.

amelia, the only people I tell to fuck the fuck off are idiots deliberately causing trouble, which is not the case here

a different opinion is not "ludicrous" unless you think all opinions that don't match yours are "ludicrous" of course...

so perhaps the more appropriate question would be "who gives you the power to dismiss other's valid opinions in such a high handed way ?"