The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Sweeping Into Autumn With A One Way Ticket To Sobriety.

[Mouseface]

Phew, just in time!

I'm mouse and I love a few to drink. I love all things cheese and I love MrMouse

Welcome to the Bus. We are a collection of drinkers, non-drinkers, and those who are somewhere in between but we all have the same thing in common, we can't just have 1 drink and then stop.

Come say hi, we don't bite .

Here are the other threads to date, if you have a spare hour or seven to kill.

OUR HISTORY

Am home, after a bus journey that felt like being in a greenhouse. A moving one, obviously

I'm also worried about Golly too - is there a cheese equivalent to coax these babes out, do you think?!

Mouse am glad a light went on. Because it doesn't really matter what I think, or what jesus thinks (never thought I'd be saying that, better not repeat it on Sunday morning ) but that is the kind of insane thinking that I think characterises an alcoholic. Yes, I said insane, because it is! Did you want to embarrass your daughter and let yourself and your family down and make them worry about you? Damn right you didn't. So how did it happen?

What do you think of this:
"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if, when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic."

Feel free to disagree, but I think both of those sentiments describe what you've been saying to us over this last year.

I wanted to stop - for DD, for myself, for my mum, for my career. I really wanted to. And I couldn't. I could stop for a bit, sure, but not stay stopped. There's no guarantees that I've got it now. But my thoughts are quieter these days and I understand why I think and behave as I do. I don't want to be an alcoholic and I never gave my permission either. But I am. If you aren't, or can't accept it yet, that's ok, we'll still be here (well I will) because you are a lovely, precious, lady who has been through a hell of a lot and wants good things for her family and this bunch of internet strangers - tell me to get lost if you want! But keep talking.

I sometimes like to imagine that we could all live in a sort of extended commune (somewhere in Brave Babes land) each of us with our own private space, but with a big shared space where we could all support each other in practical ways. It would have fridges full of wonderful juices, an enormous kitchen space where those of us who are so inclined could cook and create. This inner zone would be alcohol free, but it wouldn't stop people from drinking elsewhere if that was their way. We could all take turns looking after nemo and the dts, so that those whose drinking was driven by extreme tiredness could get a break. There would always be a place where you could come if you were feeling tempted, a supportive place away from the lure of a bottle, and a place where other children could play in peace and safety. A place where we could all have a laugh. Ahh Brave Babes land.....

TheBoss - I'm moving onto a banana ice-cream shake now. Six pints of water in a day is enough I think. I had Berocca and OJ this morning. I just wanted to flush myself out a bit.

noteven - "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely" - that's just it, I don't want to stop drinking. I know that I can drink in moderation. I can. I've done it before. Maybe I need to stop for a while.

See, last night I drank wine and spirits. I had stopped drinking both of those things and instead enjoyed a beer or fruit cider of an evening if I fancied a drink. But when the barman asked what I wanted last night, I wasn't sure and my mouth said 'a large white wine please'

When I sat down with my friend (who is v ill today) it felt totally normal to be knocking back the wine.

I hate myself for doing it. Why didn't I stick to beer? I like Becks Blue. They sell that there, I didn't buy it though did I?

It's like I'm on self destruct at the moment but I think I'm trying to block things out. I am trying to soften the edges again.

I'm annoyed with myself> I have a beautiful family, DH is fantastic, we have nice (ish) home, a car, live in a little village, no real money worries and here am I pissing it all away!

How many times to I post to a Brave Babe about stopping drinking if they really want to?

But I don't want to stop. What the actual fuck will it take to make me?

I heart you venus, when can I move into this place?

mouse you already live there, we all do

To answer your previous question mouse, that's what I'm scared of for you - what will it take?

I know that I'm way overstepping the mark here, but you've had some real crap dished out to you by your ex (that's dished out TO you, not attracted or deserved by you). And sometimes when such awful things have happened to us, there's a little secret hidden part of us that thinks it might just happen again, and everything that seems great now will come crashing down. So maybe better to knock it down now rather than let someone else drag it from us later.

So what it is that is so, so attractive about alcohol mouse? Is it the taste? I doubt it really, but if it is, then we can help to re-educate your palate. I see that many of us on here used to think we loved the taste of wine, now it smells and tastes sour and horrid. Is the the high that you get? OK, so lets see what else can give you that high - anything that floods your body with endorphins (running, having an orgasm, having two orgasms), also other activities that are mind altering - either internally or externally. Externally by things like when you helped out with other women last week (you sounded really bouyed up by that), or internally by some whacky meditation stuff. Is it to deal with your physical pain? You're on some pretty strong meds - give them a chance to work. Is it to dull your emotions when memories get too much for you? Please, please make sure you're getting all the professional help you need. I know that your dd, dh, and nemo deserve that, but tbh it's not them that are important at the moment. It is YOU that is important.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that alcohol seems (and probably is) an easy short term (and destructive) answer to all our problems, when actually there are much more effective ways of sorting them out individually.

Mouse do you think that maybe you don't feel like you deserve these wonderful things (because of your past maybe?) and that you are self destructing and self sabotaging out of that deep seated low self worth? Just a thought. You have just as much right as anyone else to be happy, you know?

Oooh noteven similar thoughts

I know it's what I do.

Me too, I only recognise it because of the time I spent doing it myself. Still unpacking it with my counsellor in the aftermath of my mum's death (as she is caught up in a lot of my self worth crap) BUT I have got to the point of not drinking to self sabotage, at long last, and what a relief it is!

You are both right. I think most of it is the bursting bubble theory, that DH will leave me for someone who isn't damaged goods, or broken. Someone who is slimmer, prettier, funnier.

I'm just at a bit of a low right now I think.

I can't do counselling. I had a thread in chat dedicated to me last week I think, it was for donations towards my healing process set up by another abused MNer. I was utterly flawed by the kindness of strangers.

So far I have received some beautiful gifts to help me in my quest to rid this bastard from my head once and for all, a book on life after abuse and I'm told a set of Russian Dolls to symbolise each new step I take and the new me that it will reveal, well, the new old me.

See, I know what's wrong with me. Me! I have started to unlock the boxes and I guess subconsciously it's starting to get to me a bit, having him lingering in my head all day.

I dream about him. Dreams that are so vivid I can smell him.

I've planned to go to the gym for a couple of hours tomorrow. For a gentle swim (love the idea of running venus but it ain't ever going to happen, the orgasms will ) and to use the steam room etc....

I'm going to take a book and just switch off in between swims.

So you see, I am taking steps to stop this from killing me, losing it all but just not big enough steps.

Wow some strange co-incidences happening to me today.

I feel so much better when I don't drink, I can't really understand the hold it has on me

Tawdry this statement you made is exactly how I feel. I can go days quite happily now without a drink but when the craving hits it comes out of the blue and completely sidelines me. Co-incidence No. 1. Welcome to the bus, by the way

Mouse 'twas only yesterday you and I were agreeing that we didn't like wine and didn't really want to drink it anymore. Then, today was my first day back at work and on the way home I'm thinking, mmm I could fancy a glass of wine. Drove past the pub, saw people sitting outside having their drinks, mmmmm, drove past the petrol station, shall I stop and get a bottle?
I was hungry so I just kept say HALT, HALT, HALT and drove on by, but boy the temptation was strong. Then I come on here and found the wine demon got you! You poor little mousie got caught in a trap . Co-incidence No. 2

Then, I read venus' description of Babeland and, well, you won't believe this but I have had the exact same thought about how we could all live together in this wonderful supportive community and help each other. And I pictured it just like venus said with all the kids running round together. Wow. Co-incidence No. 3

Also, I was wondering about MIF, wantto, missy, etc. Would it be nice to have a roll call every now and again just for people say, I'm here, I'm lurking, I'm OK, or something like that, maybe once a month? Just a thought.

You OK Isinde?

Epic I know, sorry 'bout that

Faire - I had the roll call thought too. I may have even mentioned it last year but I think at the time, someone said that those who want to post, will. Those who don't, won't.

You have had a real spooky day haven't you!

Evening babes.

Thinking of you Mouse.

Really struggling tonight. The voice in my head is saying "come on, it's Friday! You've done your first 2 days in a new job. It's the weekend. Have a drink! It's not as though you're really going to stop drinking forever, is it? Who are you kidding? You're not even a "proper" alcoholic compared to some people. Just have a drink!"

I've had tonic, coke, food etc. I'm not going to crack, I'm not. But it's so f*ing hard!

MOP

I'm not one to advise currently. I know how you are feeling, more than ever, right now I want a drink too.

So, how about we do this together? Just for tonight? We can hold each other's hand if you like. I'm getting my PJs on in a bit. I'm so tired and hung over.

I have had the day from hell because of last night. Do you want that tomorrow? Trust me, you really, really don't.

All the hard work will just disappear won't it. Just try and get to 8pm with me.

Shall we? xx

I'm with you both there too. I have had soda, tea, coffee, big chip buttie and some sweeties, feeling pretty stuffed but still wobbling. Damn these Friday nights!

DH went to chip shop and I literally had to bite my tongue to stop myself saying, would you pick up a bottle of wine . . .

Mouse, yes. I'm here with you. In jammies. Film about to start. Stories read and no peep from DS. DH bringing takeaway home (didn't have pizza after all yesterday if anyone's keeping track!). He will have beer but I will be strong. I have been so looking forward to my first hangover free weekend in a long time. I can't ruin it now. I want to BOING like Jesus!

What are you eating tonight then mouse? I'm wishing I had chocolate in for later. Hmmm! Tea and chocolate. My DH never used to bother offering me tea in the evening. It was wine or nothing.

The thing is, he's been working away until recently. So I had all evening to drink if I wanted to. And no one to judge me. Dangerous.

Are you still feeling rough with the hangover?

Stay strong Faire!

It's making me quite actually! How dare I be dictated to by this thing? I'm an intelligent woman who is fully aware of all the risks of drinking; what it's done and what it will do.

Seriously, fuck the fuck off craving. I DON'T NEED YOU. You mess me up.

That's the spirit!! Fighting talk MoP.

Actually, we will feel great in the morning. It's worth hanging on in there because when the craving goes we will be fine again. It's just getting through the 'now'.

I've just had burger and salty chips whilst watching EastEnders.

And a Diet Coke.

Fruit tea is on the menu for later.

I think you're doing great MOP and you Faire! If I can do this tonight, then so can you. Let's get to 9pm okay?

Hey there all, just getting ready to go to dinner. Keep going everyone who is struggling. It will so be worth it in the morning. Just for tonight make the choice not to drink. Keep it in the day.

Wantto is fine, text from her last night.

Xsing fingers for you all.

Bafana

Trying to watch "Eat Pray Love", but I don't think I can handle an evening of Julia Roberts.

So much more discerning when sober!

I have had half an eye on 'Young Dumb & Living off Mum'. What a bunch of spoiled immature brats!! One of them had never cooked anything except toast

Am going to get my pj's on too.

Is all well again in the Isinde house, my lovely?