Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

Oh, and of course:

"You may be wondering if your abuser is likely to turn violent. If he has ever threatened you with harm, broken objects, pushed or shoved you or restrained your movements in any way, then you can stop wondering: he already has been. "

That one was chilling.

shell shocked, punch drunk and FINALLY understood ( did miss out some bits obviously........not actually wonder woman though trying to be!!)

Can't be only me that gets a frisson of excitement when I see yet another woman liberated by St Lundy?

full convert...signed sealed and delivered! Just trying to restrain myself from recommending to EVERYONE...obviously inappropriate for some people!!

I was still in the "poor him, he's been so hurt...he can't help it" double think...now I see he has boundaries and control...just not the boundaries or control of anyone normal!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bless the little ones for sleeping so soundly.

Well, it sounds like your statement yesterday that: "I definitely would be happy even if the only thig that happened was that I actually believe that this stuff is happening in my life " may have come about through Lundy.

It's what he does, that saintly and shell shock-providing man.

It's so difficult when you come out of a relationship like this, you feel as if you have been violated on so many levels and in so many ways. (OK you have) It's the shock, as well, at looking back to how you behaved when being f..... up when you were with that person, and how it was used against you.

Just dashing in to wield the ticket clippers and to share that I've been blown away by the pet link.

Never read that anywhere before. Had a very abusive childhood and remember wanting desperately to love our dogs (but mainly the cat :)) but always being locked in my room even that relationship was difficult.

Now I dearly love my two cats and really cherish their individuality. Although I hate thinking of them being lonely, hungry, cold etc more than anyone I've met who has pets.

We've got two cats too. Spooky.

Please tell me I'm not going to turn into a crazy dog lady...

Bibi really sad to hear you were locked into your room and more. Have you/are you working through childhood abuse with a therapist?

bellsring hello and welcome. How long have you been out?

woo, woo (supposed to be spooky ghost noise for Annie) :)

@ scary dog lady!

Yes I've had some counselling puppy and have made my peace with my past. Just some behaviours keep surfacing especially in relationships.

Right, I know this thread gets all animated just after I've gone to bed, so tonight I'm just doing to start drinking and noshing ahead of schedule.

Ooh Puppy I will stop lurking and come in for a and some crisps now!

I never had a cat or dog after I was seven and my dog was run over. She was crazy, a red setter, and out of control. I can remember the grief I felt now.

I have never wanted to have a cat or dog since, in case I couldn't look after it properly. I can't even keep house plants going!

Mmmh, I hear you LittleHouse. Bibi commented upthread that she's stressed enough as it is with one job and 2 cats, and I kind of feel the same way with my 1 job and 1 puppy, because I'm always afraid that I'm not doing enough for her

Aaaaah, the care-taking self-abasement of the co-dependent! How easily I recognise you now.

Gosh I love red wine.

bibi my twat needs another ticket. Fucking arse.

What happened buttons?

Our favourite station-master will be along soon, but in the meantime have a large and spill.

OMG at the cat thing - I got my cat as a kitten in early nineties. I had him for twelve years through a hell of a lot of change and estrangement. When he died age 12 I was beside myself with grief. Still crying a year later. I went for counselling and concluded that the fact that my cat had been one of the few constants in my life meant that I thought of him as family.
I dreamt of him for ages afterwards, I kept asking people "Can you see him?" It sounds sad but it made me very happy, as if he was trying to reassure me he was still there.
I loved to bury my face in his fur too.

Enters with another bottle of . It's the constancy of animals isn't it? Once they've got beyond puppy/kittenhood they don't really change. And they are grateful - for food if nothing else. I can't have cats where I am as no garden and tbh not sure I'm up to looking after anybody else at the mo.

He's upping the control lunacy. He's now taking over the household shopping. I shop online, used to do a shop every 5 days. I had my routine. Since I do the housework and cooking.
Recently he's taken to putting in 2 shops mid week. That's annoying in itself, but I wasn't going to argue. So I add what I want to the list and he's been removing items he thinks we don't need. Buying things we won't use.
I told him to stop, he said he would.
So, a shop comes today. I had put on huggies pull ups for ds3 for night time. He likes them, they fit and are reliable. One packet lasts 2-3 weeks at a cost of £4.00.
So today I unpack the shopping and find 3 packets of a brand I've never used before and no huggies.
I asked him why he'd done it, he said he was saving money as they were on offer.
They don't fit ds properly. I don't like them, they are too small.
I told twat this. He looked at ds wearing them and said he could 'see' that they fitted. I told him he knew nothing about nappies, having in 13 years of parenting never bought any nor put one on any of his 6 children. And now he's an expert on how they fit just by looking?
The fucking arrogance of it. So now he's a fucking expert on nappies and my choice is not right.
His attitude is that we need to save money and he will be going through all the shopping lists( I make) in future to check there they is no wastage.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
I fucking hate him.

You're all making me feel so much better about the bond with pets!

I still dream about my cat who died when I was 12, MadameOvary, and who was also the one constant, non-fickle presence in my childhood (along with my sister). It makes a lot of sense how importants pets are when you are in dysfunctional relationships with family and/or partner, since animals are without artifice.

He's going to go behind you and revise your shopping orders under the assumption that you are incompetent, buttons ?

He is a twat.

HE won't let me have a pet. Says he's allergic. he won't let my mum's dogs in the garden, let alone in the house.
I always had a cat, always until I moved in with him. He made me dry clean all my clothes when I moved down here, said normal washing wouldn't get rid of the pet hairs.
The first thing I'm going to do when I move is get a cat or 2. The kids can't wait. Of course he says I'm only going to get a cat to keep him out of the house. "do you realise buttons, that I won't be able to babysit?" Now that's a shame

Mine wouldn't let me get a pet either, buttons.

Getting my puppy was the most wonderfully satisfying "fuck you!". He doesn't even need to know (I certainly don't give two shits what his opinion is). I just know that my puppy, among all the other wonderful things she is, is a statement of my new life on my own terms.

When do you move?

Sorry, stuffing face with customary late dinner. Fillet steak for one pound sixty, wrestled from the hands of a student even poorer than I < no more mrs nice guy> :)

Buttons - he is a big fat Fucker and now has a ticket which entitles him to sit on top of the baggage in the luggage train only - good and cold and hard in there with no toilet access. Perhaps he can bring the three packs of 'bargain' pull-ups with him to use!

LittleHouse -that is just too weird - I didn't get my own cat for years because I worried so much about being shit at looking after a living creature like that.

Then a little grey furball adopted me (neglected by owners) and one day I thought 'I'm bloody great at this!' which is when I got the second one from a rescue place.

I too am a ruthless killer of plants too (not intentional) - when it comes to living things I've come to accept I'm just better at caring for it if it has fur rather than leaves :)

It's weird bibi I never thought before that I was avoiding owning another dog because it hurt so much when she was killed. I was more upset than when my granny died! I had buried that pain very deep.

buttons towards the end of my marriage I used to just watch H doing the crazy things he does and say to myself "you won't have to put up with this forever". That made it bearable. You won't have to live with it forever and normal daily life will be so sweet without him in it.

More anyone?

I know, I'm not looking forward to the pain when mine get called to rainbow bridge but i will be safe in the knowledge they had the very best life they could have had.

They ask for so little really, pets but give so much unconditionally.

Plus, every ounce of effort for them is worth it, unlike the 'man-pets' I insisted on keeping for so long

Right on cue, one of my critters has just skidded into the room professionals style and is now looking at me reproachfully - best fill up the bowl again as commanded and then get to bed.

Night all, purrs and meows for all of you from Bibi's crew :)