Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

If you don't do what you said you want then he has manipulated you by just saying what you want to hear.

I shall try and keep that in my mind. Thanks fool this little gem will keep me going for a while. This really is about staying on track. I will suggest he goes to counselling and see what happens.

He called last night and had a bad night out. He is good company at a distance. Gradual extension of distance will be the way to go. I slept so well last night and the teethgrinding stopped.

Thanks madame for your advice over the last months and the lovely analogies of baths and displacement etc! It's very helpful to me. I'm a very visual person.

Morning all. I just read iwillbefree s thread and had a shiver of recognition. I hope she will come over and join us. She mentions driving with her H and how he taps the gearstick to indicate she is in the wrong gear. That is so familiar!

My H used to criticise me for driving too fast, too slow, too close etc. Once I just slammed the brakes on and stopped so he could drive, and he criticised my ABS system for being faulty!!

Is this a common thing? Do any of you recall driving wars? My H is an pronounced an excellent driver while I am known as a terrible one hardly safe to let out on the roads. Or has he done a number on me? Just thinking it through.

Coffee and sunday papers here...

littlehouseIMO Number dialled...however good a driver you might be you certainly can't drive well whilst you're second guessing what someone else is thinking/would do...

My other half is also great company on the'phone...perhaps because the whole thing is about talking and listening...have to be direct and no space for second guessing/ no physical presence so not intimidation ( not that you can't intimidate someone by phone...as witnessed by people on this thread) just not mine's modus operandus.

Expecting him back any minute...what state will we all be in by this evening?? Sweetness and light or somewhat darker???

Bye for now

Hello everyone im new :)

I've had a couple of lovely invites over to your thread so thought I would come and introduce myself and join if thats ok.

I started a thread today about my controlling husband - Ive had some really helpful replies and a giggle or two from some of them :)

Over the last 21 years I thought his behaviour was normal, it has gradually got worse over the years but i'm fighting feelings of massive regret that I could have done something about it sooner now the big penny has finally dropped.

Most of the details are on the other thread (its a long first post lol) but I left OH a couple of weeks ago, the incident that pushed me to go was the night of my birthday. My family had been round on the afternoon for 4 hours, he stayed upstairs the whole time and didnt say a word to them. Hey ho hes a miserable git anyway so I didnt react to it.

That night I had half a bottle of wine and sat down to a film. OH went off to bed as usual without saying anything and I fell asleep watching the film on the sofa. 2:30am - I was asleep felt an almighty dig in the ribs, it was OH stood over me yelling, what the fuck are you doing sleeping on here, all the fucking lights are on etc etc he then kicked my works laptop and stormed upstairs. I have problems with him in bed (see other thread, he doesnt like me breathing) so here I was, scared to sleep on the sofa, scared to go to bed, I just sat there like a zombie not knowing what to do. I decided to get the boys and leave the next morning when he went to work. Week at mams (heaven) happy, relaxed. Kids asked to come home after a week, he asked us to come home (said he was going to change yeah right) I came home knowing I was making a mistake.

So here I am still at home but know I want a divorce and him to move out. I dont love him anymore. He has chipped away at me till I have nothing left.

Anyhow thats the bad bit. The postivie things are I'm looking forward to getting to know all of you on here! I'm looking forward to finding out who I am and what I like doing because I dont know at the moment, I have to like what he likes etc, I'm looking forward to a good nights sleep. i know these will only come when we are not together so I need to start working on how I am going to achieve this.

So (god I can talk) thankyou for reading, I will try and read some of the posts on this thread to catch up on what crap everone else has to put up with and help if I can. He is over my shoulder alot asking what i'm looking at so sometimes it difficult, but will be on as much as poss!

Love IWBF

Hi IWBF and welcome.

If you look at the top of the thread you will see some links to useful information for you to read to help you understand your situation. Take your time to look at these, it is hard to understand how you have allowed yourself to fall into such a clichéd trap. We all struggle with this, and minimise or deny to some extent. Thinking about your parents marriage or your inlaws sometimes helps you see patterns.

If your H monitors your internet use it may be wise to clear your internet history after reading, or to set the browser to "private browsing". You can do this through the tools menu.

I am sure the regulars will be in later to welcome you. Some of us have already left our Ex behind, others are still going through the process. But we all understand the "spaghetti head mess" that living with an emotionally abusive man induces.

hi IWBF I saw your other thread it rang so many bells for me, the being afraid to move in bed (he actually discussed my errant, unnecessary moving with his father who suggested I might have epilepsy, can you believe it!) the smashing up of computer equipment, I've had water and tea thrown at me, been told I was an alcoholic after drinking half a bottle of wine, name calling and I mean utterly vile names, being told what to wear, for my own good of course. And yes the driving thing, when I suggested once I drive I heard his father discreetly inquiring how long I'd been driving before making up his mind whether that was a good idea. He didn't like me going out, or working, or reading forums, or facebook.
Well now I am free because he assaulted me last week, was arrested and now he's gone and he is no doubt sitting around with his family while they all plot to suck every bit of joy out of the world. Please don't put up with it, it isn't normal, you know that. x

Hello Little,

Thankyou for your welcome, I will have a look at those threads, any shred of knowledge that makes me understand all this is helping me at the moment.

I'm glad you have left your ExH behind and hope I will be joining you in the not so distant future!

I only use my works laptop to look at things on here because it is password protected. Hes really good at finding things out and i'm not that good at hiding things (i'm an open book - probably one of my downfalls)

Talk soon IWBF xx

Hi RTBC!
God I'm so sorry you were assaulted, awful it had to come to that to get some peace. Do you feel relaxed now or is it too early?

IWBF xx

My, this thread moves fast!

HerHissyness - "Can't be only me that gets a frisson of excitement when I see yet another woman liberated by St Lundy?" .. Absolutely me too.. have passed it on to 2 friends in real life already.

Puppy-
 "You may be wondering if your abuser is likely to turn violent. If he has ever threatened you with harm, broken objects, pushed or shoved you or restrained your movements in any way, then you can stop wondering: he already has been. "

I find this one hard to accept. There's been wresting that bruised my arms and he trapped me in a bathroom once, plus refused to leave the school on Friday until I said I considered it harassment loud enough to make a woman turn around on the street. I still have a really hard time calling it violence, struggle with feeling like it's 'less serious' than if he gave me a black eye. I obviously don't want one and wouldn't wish one on anyone else at any time - future or past, but there is something about the clarity of that action. You could take a picture and look at again to remind yourself. It could be seen by other people. I find it so hard to explain what was wrong, especially when there's so much niceness (at least externally) in between. I might well be deluding myself with this and if there was a black eye, think that it would be putting me in the hospital that would be the serious line.. but that's the part I'm struggling with at the moment.

Buttons - "His attitude is that we need to save money and he will be going through all the shopping lists (I make) in future to check there they is no wastage." .. Mine did that too. Even though he cooked once every 2 weeks. Oozypushead.

Iwillbefree ? I like your name! Welcome. Come sit on a nice comfy beanbag, we'll be happy to know you too.

Reasons - so sorry to read about you being assaulted. How are you doing?

(xposted and feeling guilting for suggesting that as clarity)

That's quite a common thing I see on these threads: hoping your OH will do something violent, or have an affair, so you would have a ready-made excuse to throw him out. But in reality - and what a liberating moment it was when I realised this - the only excuse you need is that you don't want to live with him any more. It doesn't matter what he thinks is a good enough excuse, or what his mates think, or what his parents think, or even what your parents think. The person who is unhappy in this marriage is you.

I said to XH once, after one of those tirades cataloguing all my faults including a fair few imaginary ones: if I'm such a terrible person why are you fighting so hard to stay married to me? Why don't you just let me go and have an easier life? Oh, but you do make me happy, he said. Well why did you behave like such a miserable sod then? Of course he didn't know what I was talking about. He was always cheerful and kind in his self-penned biography.

Annie - I'm out, been out almost 3 months (yay!). I accepted that there's more than enough unhappiness / wrongness for me to leave. I guess the bit I'm struggling with is how much to claim the DV label - how entitled I am to use these services, how much I need to cut him out of my life now I'm out. How likely he is to escalate at this point.. I find all that confusing.

butterflybee, if you look further up there, you'll see that I too struggled with the entitlement to use WA and the DV support services.

I still feel a bit of a fraud at times, in that wtf am I wimpering about, he's gone hasn't he?

Still, Freedom programme 2 tomorrow. The tuesday group sadly I won't be able to make, as I'm booked out for work for the morning. The leader has been off sick for the past few weeks, but it's given US the girls, the chance to chat among ourselves for a few weeks and we've all opened up. I think she may have a bit of a shock when she comes back.

main thing is to establish your own routine, your own peace, and not let anyone disrupt it. then you can start to see the wood for the trees.

Oh and a HUGE welcome to Iwillbefree, well done love, starting your own thread was brave, coming over here too, but you'll see how both will transform your life for the good!

We all have our own 'last straws' Mine was his attempt to destroy the one friendship I had. It was him telling her H that I had been in a mental institute for 5 years (I hadn't!) that was SOO over the line that made me change from day to night and shut it all down on him.

It became my reason to refuse to sleep with him, my reason to refuse to allow him anywhere near me. my reason to refuse to listen to him, I quoted it over and over and over and over again back at him. when he apologised I repeated all HIS words back at him. What BANK accepts Sorry as a currency? what is the exchange rate? Everything that creep had ever said and used to manipulate me came back to me in 20/20 clarity and one after one those weapons were used back on him. Oh how they hurt. cos they were HIS greatest fears.

And that was before the freakish trip to Heathrow...

He's back...nothing has ever been wrong...except that it's/he's messing with my head again.

You know clarity doesn't come with the black eye or a hospital visit sometimes....there's always an excuse and we always "drove them to it" so here's to recognising abuse for what it is...whatever form it takes and finding a way to be us...in or out of the relationship .

And staying us for ourselves, our puppies/kittens/children.......

welcome Iwillbefree enjoy the freedom prog hissy could use some of your clarity here, hey RTBC love your name especially with all you've had to put up with...keep finding us some! Hope you're enjoying your spacious bath madame! (love that picture)

will look in when I can but have Mr!Nosey around so might not be for a little while

FOTH, before you slip back in under the kosh, can I suggest that THIS ridiculous scurrying is YOUR moment of clarity?

I get it, cos I lived it, but I don't do any of that anymore, my life is my own.

Set yourself a challenge. Be just a little bit braver. Don't automatically do what you are expected to do. rattle his cage a little. it'll give you an idea of how much power you actually wield.

Quick note - will post properly later:
Welcome Iwillbefree - can totally feel your exhilaration from here! Please be aware that it's common to crash after the "high" and wonder if you are doing the right thing. We've all done it and that's when this thread comes into its own

I am SO HAPPY tonight - had lovely evening with NM last night and went to bed swearing to myself that as I slept I would build a wall round myself so that ex could not project his hatred and misery onto me and ruin my day.
I am delighted to say it worked. Handed DD over today with a firm silent dose of attitude and didn't hang around.
First time ever I can see a glimpse of life without him in my head like a big brooding toad. If I can get there, we all can!

IWTBF and Butterflybee thanks yes I am ok, I feel so much more relaxed, I don't have to creep about and worry about causing huge offence by something so minor as not wanting to watch a particular tv programme, or putting something in the bin (that plastic lid makes a shocking noise you know!) my son's fiance was waiting outside for me when I got home today, actually looking happy at the prospect of coming in the house, we sat in the garden and spoke at normal volume and neither of us were nervous. Next door's kids can play in their garden even, my neighbour told me how many times he'd been round there to complain about the alleged noise that I didn't know about, there is no noise! Oh yes so much more relaxed, I can finally exhale. x
foolonthehill like your name too :)

Hi everyone sorry I have been AWOL, we went to our Mum's for a few days but she asked us very nicely if we could go back as she was finding it a bit much with the DC's. He actually got one of his SIL's to ask me round for dinner next week so I could let her know what my problems with him are I'm obviously going to tell her how he's a lovely man & it really grates me that he doesn't put the toilet seat down! I'm going to rip him to fucking pieces and let him show them his real colours too

any last bit of hope of 'us' we had left he has totally destroyed, I can't wait to see his face when he sees what I had planned all along, I had a quite word with a friend the other day who has very kindly offerred to lend us half towards the deposit for a private place for me and the DC's, look's like we may have a good christmas after all, hope the man twat enjoys his microwaved one!

Just checking in before bed. Thanks Hissy, FOTH, MO and BFB for the lovely welcomes. I know I am a bit upbeat at the moment and am prepared for the inevitable crash!.

Reason - so glad you are feeling relaxed, I bet your whole body will benefit as well as your mind.xx

Good luck Miss pix with SIL.

Today I went to mums for lunch, they had both had a little bet as to if I would put OH a Sunday Lunch out. I help with lunch every Sunday, OH goes out on his bike, I always bring him one back. Dad won, I didnt do him a lunch. Mum was surprised as she thought (though didnt want) I would not see him hungry. The last time I brought his lunch home - he said the turnip was lumpy and next time "will you not put mashed potato next to roast Potato, its not right, potatoes shouldnt be next to each other" I watched him eat it in my head thinking "I hope you choke on it".

Anyhow hes had cereal, while he was out the dogs had his share of the Sunday Roast.......

Night Night

IWBF xx

sorry I did a 'me' post again Hi to the Newbies IWBF & Butterfly, Reasons I sooo look forward to doing that, stbx actually told my ds off last week (he was sleeping off a hangover & ds&dd were getting excited about going to the park), I knew then I was making the right decision, it just takes a while longer, but I have the 'rome wasn't built in a day' mentality at the moment. strongly recommend the links at the beginning, I still read through them now just to remind myself it's not all in my head x

IWBF I do that now too! lol As far as I'm concerned I was no longer obliged to give him the respect I vowed to at the alter the minute he broke his by not honouring me! "I sat there watching him eat it thinking I hope you choke on it", funny you should say about the eating, stbx just started cooking himself a waitrose meal straight from freezer to microwave, despite it saying thoroughly defrost first, I THOUGHT about telling him, didn't though! :o Night x