Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

You're right notsorted thanks. Best he has the choice, it doesn't matter much in the long run. There are advantages and disadvantages to both.

I'm drained right now but will get an early night and go away early tomorrow morning. I wrote him that dear john letter a few weeks ago, and never gave it to him as the DV worker said not to. They thought it best to wait until he's got his new job. I would rather he has the freedom to do what he wants. The last thing I want is to make him feel he's tied down working to pay for ME. He's said he will support the kids, but he says a lot of things. I really do not need him, for anything. Probably, company is the best thing he gives me now.

But this new lady counsellor on the phone said DV doesn't cover EA? That's news to me.

Not caught up. Just wanted to say I'm so pumped full of adrenaline it's crazy BUT it's because i had the most amazing day at Thorpe park with my 2 oldest. Those rides are hard core!!

Dear Bibi is there a special carriage to the far side of fuck for ex parents in law?
MiL has promised her son she won't see me, therefore DS, for a while. So I replied fine but do give DS a call as he talks about you. DS is on about going out in grandma's car, seeing his granddad etc and today told me he painted a picture for granddad. I lost it, in tears over supper. DS has no other GPs and ffs even my dad used to phone up to hear how his GD was getting on when he had Parkinson's and could barely speak. Here am I trying to maintain a civil relationship, trying to say positive things about fuckwit to DS, keep in contact with his family, but now even he says Dad is horrible as big sis and him have been talking. I feel like sending all ex MiL's pressies back and telling her if she can't be bothered now then don't bother in the future. She talked the talk occasionally but rarely walked the walk as far as I was concerned re grandparent stuff. Now she can't even bear to do that. And DS is the only grandson as well (it's not a big thing to me, but surely they'd be a bit more interested if only for variety's sake).

Oh sorted, my heart hurts for you it really does. So much emotional coldness has come your way for so long. Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree with the outlaws.

I'm useless with that side of things but could it be that, now you can zee clearly you can also see the emotional icebergs of the il's whereas before you would have been so busy trying to see the good, smooth things over, be the one to make the effort etc?

It's very sad but you and the children will cope without them too in time.

They can all sit together and loudly lament how their supply of undeserved care was 'undeservedly' taken away from them

Sorry for errors and double words in last post.

Go buttons though - thats the spirit!!

But this new lady counsellor on the phone said DV doesn't cover EA? That's news to me.

barbie that counsellor is flat out wrong. And has no business being in the job she is.

Reminds me of the piss-poor psychiatrist who told me ex was unlikely to turn violent since he had a PhD and "it is more likely to be blue-collar men who turn violent"

I've had an emotionally draining day and am feeling very crabby.

I've just opened up the Relationships board, and tonight, instead of diving in to try and open the eyes of women who need it, I am just feeling unbelievably PISSED OFF that my specialist subject is "domestic violence"

I fucking hate that this is my life experience. I hate it.

signed,

Puppy with sore head, off to bed, then off for a girly weekend away that will hopefully improve her mood.

I hope you ladies all have lovely weekends too. I look forward to a sparkling thread 5 when I return.

sometimes even the resident expert deserves some TLC for her and her Puppy!! have a lovely weekend.

thanks for sharing.

Puppy I know how that feels, oh yes! Sweet dreams x

I'll tell you what's pissing me off - that I have feelings for X. I want to be completely indifferent but right now I am putting off contacting him re seeing DD as even brief seconds-long meeting re the handover affects me all day.
Its as if I am a "mood sponge" (to quote from upthread, sorry can't remember who) and his waves of hatred just attack me.
I suppose it could be worse. I dont want him back and its not painful that he has someone else. I'm just annoyed that I really, really want to know about the relationship because my ideal outcome is that it makes him so happy he stops being such an ignorant twat and starts being civil towards me.
I wish I had invisible walls so that stuff just bounced off me, as I dont want to unsettle DD with erractic contact, he should bloody well be getting in touch with me of course, but at the same time I'm glad he isn't.
Mehhhhhhh.

I'm in bed and left out the spare duvet and his pillow for the spare room/dressing room.

He's being quite nice about it but said 'oh you want me to sleep in there' as though it's a sudden decision. We discussed it this arvo and I said quite clearly. He does this all the time. Goes the all innocent. It's just one small turd in pile of shite behaviour.

I kept getting from the counsellor 'so you think you want to change him'. Like I'm some kind of control freak. No woman, I've decided to GIVE UP trying to change him. I want a peaceful life for me and my dds.

I'm looking forward to having the bed for myself. I'm going away with 3 kids, no adult company. I will tell them when I'm away so they can expect changes Daddy's made to room arrangements etc. Then I will tell the world.

The house is calm.

It doesn't get better that quickly - surely?

I keep thinking that he's going to do something really bad (like con me out of the house) and then I realise that I'm not scared of anything because what he's put me through for the last 20 years is far worse than anything he could do to me now.

I don't know what to expect when I get back though...

barbie - no it doesn't get better that quickly. He will not just accept this. Just be very clear about what you need and want, and stick to it.
Before you go, can you take any important papers with you, ie DC's passports, and make sure that you have secured anything that he could sabotage ie bank accounts. Cheering you on!

MadamO-are they your waves of hatred towards him or his towards you?

yeah, be on your guard barbie, expect the unexpected, the worst etc, until he's actually out of the house.

If you have large savings, make sure that there is either a block on removal of cash over a minimal amount, or remove your half of it. make sure you have all the important documents are with you or in a very safe place away from the house.

Not saying he will do, but you know that nasty follows nice all to often.

Having a terrible day....seem to be feeling the fear of 13 years all at once...practically paralysed, can't eat, can't drink, can't think...fortunately he's not back til tomorrow. Poor children stuck in front fo video whilst i do displacement activities....laundry...to hide..............how can I keep up the front??...not ready to go yet...nothing in place......need to keep it together.

Laundry etc day here too but just wanted to say am listening onthehill.

It doesn't feel like it now but even in the midst of all of the fear etc you're still strong for facing this at all.

Feelings just are - upset comes when we judge them as right or wrong and they will morphe and change frequently for you right now.

Can you escape anywhere in the house for 10 mins to thump a pillow/cry whatever you need today?

Often it's also the fear that if we start not 'keeping it together' we'll never stop but that is very rarely ever the case.

You will get through this and we're all here on this thread to help you through

thx wry

Wry it may be but it still comes under the smile category :)

Going back to clown mode here, sorry, that's always been my default setting in life.

Hope you're not doing HIS laundry though - he won't need much on the train to FuckOff you know. Standard issue on the BiBi express is an old pair of jogging bottoms and a string vest with holes in :)

thx Bibi.
So calm here I can't believe I'm tied up in knots....but tomorrow he's back and I need to be 'normal enough' cos there are lots of us and it's going to take a bit of time to get sorted.

Anyone else noticed how much you can get done when they're not around...all that emotional energy they take...like a big black hole sucking everything in.......

When I'm done with this I'm going back to painting....or maybe I'll just concentrate on breathing......

Bellsring - the hatred is all from him.

Thanks, there's still money in the account. He's not likely to sabotage anything because he has none of my pin numbers and I have a separate account for my income. We have no savings together, just a massive debt.

I think he's in denial. Said that he's not going to 'make space for himself', and I'm not to tell the dcs anything til he's there. So it's a start - we are officially not sharing a bedroom. I do wonder whether it's best to just leave and rent a place, that way I don't have to put up with his delaying tactics.

Within the space of a few hours I have already started to miss him doing the stuff he does. He fills a big space. Filled a big space.

I have also wondered about what would happen if we went to counselling, as he is now suddenly prepared to do, and sorted our relationship out. What if he saw who he was and why he is like that and stopped behaving like a bully? I have already said there's too much damage done, if he wants to come back in 5 years time that would be fine...

well if he means it he should get counselling anyway so that he can be a healthy parent even out of the house...you don't have to plan the next 5 years, just the next move.

If you don't do what you said you want then he has manipulated you by just saying what you want to hear. If you do what you need to and he REALLY means it then that's a start...for him. You can decide what you want to do later.

Call him on the counselling thing...give him some clear goals and let him know what you would expect to even consider thinking about him again. Let him DO IT before you even think about doing anything.....

Sorry, being bossy 'cos I'm rehearsing what I need to think do and say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

barbie in 5 years time you will have moved on way beyond him. By all means explore counselling but it seems like just another delaying tactic. They ALL, almost universally, agree to whatever you want initially through sheer panic at losing control. That is what motivates them, not a desire to be a better person, sadly.

As for filling a big space...yes mine did that too. But now he's gone the space is filling up quite nicely with...me.
Its a clumsy analogy, but I was like a bath full of water before I met X. When he came along it displaced so much of me. Now he's gone and the water has settled again, there's so much more space to move around!

Yes, MadameO, I know that anger so well.My ex switches it on for me specially.So that's why I avoid him as much as possible.It's pathetic.And he still doesn't understand why I'm like it with him.That as it's only me, he can be as unpleasant as he likes and that's fine.But it was always like that.