Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

Apologies but have to put this down before going to sleep.

For years i said to twunt ex, my dream in life is to have a cat and that's really such a small dream in the grand scheme of things. And he made sure to be as unsupportive and plain awkward about it as possible.

One day i just decided I was going out to get my full-time cat (long story) and he blocked and made excuses and hummed and hahed.

In the end I just presented him with no choice (v unlike me) and sent to see the cat by myself. Two weeks later he came home to me and then the fucker had the audacity (ex that is) to moan about how he would have loved to have had the chance to come with me and choose the cat.

You did, you arsehole but you chose not to when the chance was there. Of course, because he hadn't gotten to choose he wasn't responsible for the cat in any way..... unless it suited him

Thanks for letting me get that out

littlehouse I was cross with myself for reacting to it. I'm getting good at just letting it all wash over me. I'd love to hear more about the crazy stupid things other twats have done.

Oh, Bibi thanks for that. The first of many promises ex made but never fulfilled was to get me a kitten. Like you, I had presented it as my dream for a contented life. He had 12 years to do something about it, and of course didn't.

Towards the end, when this was brought up, he would say: "I don't want you to get a cat because then you'll love it more than me." It's when he started acting the same way except way more violently about my pregnancy that I realised he wasn't joking, and was really a sick individual who wanted me all to himself in the way of a favourite teddy. I wasn't human to him, and I wasn't allowed to have affection for anything or anyone other than him... What an ugly twisted bastard.

I hate him so much.

I will never know if the stress of being with him while he was being violent and threatening caused my miscarriage, but I know how he acted about my pregnancy, and I know how he acted about my miscarriage, and that is enough for me never to forgive him.

I'm not angry about anything else in our 12 years together -- I can look at them quizzically and dispassionately as the actions of a disordered loon. But the pregnancy/miscarriage stuff fills me with nausea and burning hatred.

He deserves nothing good in life.

Which works out, because he doesn't have enough human feeling in him to really qualify as having a life. He is just an empty shell walking the earth, who will wreak destruction and never find joy or satisfaction as long as he may exist. May that be enough of a curse on him.

They really do come equipped with a very similar script these tossers.

Thanks for sharing that, puppy, I got the 'you love the cat more than me' almost daily. And i used to think, actually, i do. At least the cats are able to give affection without an agenda.

And, seeing how he was with caring for a pet made me realise he'd behave the same way if we'd had a child i.e he'd always claim he wasn't the one that wanted one so wouldn't have been responsible.

Right, another day at the grindstone for me, hope you have as good a Friday as you can all :)

See, my twat presented himself as a real animal lover. When I lived with him, he got me a kitten basically to blackmail me into staying He put his own needs ahead of the cat's. He ended up having to rehome it
He then ended up with two cats at his current place, (the first one was for company, the second as a favour to someone) which he never stopped moaning about, ie amount of cat hair, coming in his bedroom etc. And he'd use them as excuses for when he needed to moan about all he had to do. This was because I had sole care of DD - once he actually tried to imply that looking after two cats was just as hard as looking after a child.
Wanker.

Sorry, didn't see your post about the mc's puppy.

You're right, he deserves to have no life and as an accomplished emotional shell, that's all he'll ever get whereas you are now rebuilding your life and happiness!

Puppy Yes I'd say it was entirely his fault (swears like a trooper for several minutes after reading what he put you through)
I discovered I was pregnant after a row with ex-Twat after he'd dropped me in my home town, driving at speed because "I cant wait to be rid of you" and then stalking off. The row was because I woudnt share a secret about a friend, so what so have been a companionable drive turned into a hellish nightmare.
I decided to tell him, and he said he would come up and support me whatever decision I made.
However this turned into "We won't stay together if you don't have this baby". I asked how that was supporting me. He said "I'll go along with what you decide, but I couldn't stay with you if you did that"
Fucker. I didn't even have a place of my own (was staying in a friends hoise while she was on holiday and looking for a flat as I was starting a new job) I was vulnerable as hell and he just made it worse.
I eventually had a termination, but sit with my head in my hands at how I could have had anything to do with him after that.

MadameO-mine used the exact same words on a daily basis with me. That's the awful thing about a 'relationship' with someone like that, the person who is ideally supposed to be the one you feel secure and safe with, is the opposite - your constant enemy trying to keep you down in order for them to thrive. I must have made some steps forward now I hope as I feel 'I can't wait to be rid of you-totally'.

My mistake was I used to try to fight back and be like him, hard-faced,uncaring,but it didn't get me anyway-just wore me down further, but I think that if you've been bullied for a long time, you either lay down and die, leave (which I didn't-I don't look at that now as weakness, I look at that as indicative of me-don't like to not succeed at things/don't like to fail-but that made me stay too long with him.Oh, and I thought I loved him-which he poo-pood me for, saying,if I'm so bad, (I would be upset/crying alot by his cruelness) why do you love me.....omg, my head is starting to spin from the mindf...ing, or, sorry for digressing - you try to stand up to the person and expect to be treated like an equal human being - now that is a joke!

Dear Bellsring,
that sounds just like mine. I remember crying when I was pregnant because I was worried about money and all the usual stuff and he just put earplugs in and turned over. He once marked a notch on the bed head to show which side of the bed was his. And he used to blame me for not being able to live with someone else .
I clung on to what he'd said after our first big row when he said 'I'll stand by you whatever you decide". And by the time of our second row I was too far gone to contemplate anything else (which would have killed me anyway). And he told me I'd stolen a baby off him because it wasn't planned and then next minute he'd be admired my pregnant shape. I put on the bare minimum of weight when I was pregnant because I was so stressed. I lost it all very quickly and then he called me a "skinny b". Mmm not being mealy mouthed about swearing but I'm never going to use the words he used against me out loud.

Some of your twats sound absolutly awful.

When I decided to get a puppy after lots of thinkig/planning we went to choose with my 2 DC's and twat - we had waited for him to finish work seen as he wanted to 'help' us choose. Well we got there and it was hard to choose and they were all black labradors. Well he just stood there hissing at me to hurry up and choose as he was tired and hungry after being at work (I work aswell). The guy selling the puppies was lovely and said to take as long as we wanted. Twat really spoilt it as I felt rushed to just pick one and I still wish now, 2 years later that I had gone on my own. Another memory that could have been a good one spolit by him. He never helped with the dog and constantly criticised how I trained her and how the DC's handled her

They have to ruin whatever experience we derive joy from. It's tragic, unexplainable and the saddest thing in the world.

notsorted-those of us who are, we discover, pretty naive (moi) when it comes to people not being what they originally appear to be,have to learn the hard way that there are some people who can just talk bullshit about empty promises, say things - nice things(especially in the first year) - they don't mean/to imitate our behaviour to hook us in to get what they can utilise from us eg. being sweet, loving, attentitive.

They treat you like an object in the end, and just want to shut you down as a human being with any feelings. That extends to-whatever unkind thing they do, there should be no reaction from you, you should just take it, and accept it. You are shut down with them,in the end,you just get angry and upset regularly from the injustice of how unkindly they treat you. You may then be told - you've changed, you're not the person you used to be, you've turned into a nasty bitch. Mind f..... manipulation.

They then, hopefully, move on to the next one, from the wreckage they leave behind them. But the only way is up from that position.

hi everyone

I told him yesterday that we were splitting up.
He said tell your mum or I won't believe you.
I told two friends I said and won't tell family until I've told kids. I won't tell kids until there is a plan.

I said we would talk about it this morning, he's still in bed.

I have provisional mediation appt booked for 6th October.
He is going out this Saturday with single and young friend.
If you know of anything I should do or say, or definitely not do or say, please let me know. I have said we would sell house but not said when.

I'm fine but worried about how long he will drag on finding accommodation etc. I am being v. kind to him, offering to help with rent etc, blabla. You know what I'm like I just want peace, not cash. But I can't leave the house for at least a year.

Are text msgs / emails evidence? Say for instance if I go away for the weekend with dcs, text him or mail him that I will be back, he can't then change the locks and say I left? The thing I worry about is he might do something obstructive like this and I need to know what to do to avoid it.

As far as I am aware Barbie then emails/texts are evidence so keep them all. I would imagine that if he doesn't want to split or just wants to be stubborn then he may drap out the leaving process but I don't know your situation. How did he take it?

buttons I ended up here (this thread I mean) because HE adopted a dog, I looked after it and he came back from work, (works away often ) and said I had turned it into MY dog and he wasn't going to be told what to do with the dog as well as.......made me take it back to the rescue, complete with crying children in the car...came home, guess what....gone again...still hasn't mentioned dog or anything else about behaviour or understood how upset children are.

girls the trouble with knowing stuff (I love Lundy) is then we have to work out what to do with it...(for it read HIM)...I know some of you are out of it and some of you are still in how do you cope???? Terrified cos now I think I have to do something.....for kids if nothing else.................Ahhrrrggggg

That's fantastic, Barbie! (But quite daunting, too. Just keep remembering you're doing the right thing for you and the DCs). Ref. the txtx and emails: I was in a faintly similar position and my solicitor said that texts and emails whilst not 'hard' evidence all build up a picture. So added together they will show that your intention is x. Also useful will be the fact that you have told other people what your intention is. I was also told the more evidence the better, so the more people who knew the better.

waves to the new faces.

I'll come back to this later (this thread is moving quickly) but I'm astonised by the similarities between our abusers, and also the similarities that we on this thread share. I live in constant fear that H will find me on here and get inside my head, but, really, from your stories, he could mistake a few of you for me.

mmmm do you think we'd notice if we swapped twats????? Think they would notice???????????????????

Congrats, Barbie! Stay firm. No grey areas that he will use as wiggle room to ignore your decision.

fool I remember the feeling of turmoil and panic when all my denial suddenly came crashing down, and the truth began to fall into place thanks to Lundy. It took me 2 months to get from "reading Lundy" to "kicking the twat out". Those were not a pleasant 2 months.

Get all the rest you can. Surround yourself with supportive and loving friends. Go speak to your GP if you need sleeping tablets / ADs / time off work to sort out your head.

Keep talking to us.

Good luck!

work problem...self employed and guess what- every adult in my house has to have a CRB check.........when I next see the twat abusing me or kids..I have to report him and then my business/means of financial support/independence get flushed down the toilet along with everything else!

Thanks puppy the level of adrenaline and panic/relief in me right now is off the scale...I am drinking water constantly 'cos my mouth is so dry.......only just realised why ( thought I might need testing for diabetes!!).

Sunny day here...love the sun...optimism, lovely colours of autumn, conkers, leaves, ....life is not all bad.......

Dear Fool try anything to keep that adrenaline under control. Saying a mantra to yourself "Although this is a shitty situation, I will survive", look out of the window at the beautiful day, focus on something in the room, Bach's rescue remedy, posting here whatever.

Mmm having crap day today, so good at giving advice but not following it myself iyswim. Too much grief and anger again, going slowly round the plughole of the mess that my life became. Grrr

Hi again,
I go out shopping and come back and he said we need to talk, I have found counselling through work. They want to talk to you. I spend a good long while being assessed and the lady says 'you sound as though you really don't want the relationship any more' I said I wish him well but I haven't got time to wait for him to sort himself out now. I have 5 years to give my children a stable home and it's starting now. Not next year, not the year after that. If he wants to come back to me as a new and perfect man in 5 years time then perhaps a relationship will be on the cards. But if he came back to me the perfect man tomorrow i wouldn't have him back.

But he's still here under my feet. I will take kids away for the weekend so he can set up some space for himself in the living room. That way he has somewhere to sit and be, out of our way. He wants to go in the box room but I think that's unrealistic and he'll just still be hanging around downstairs with us. What do you think? Give him space to gather his things in or send him to the box room at night?

His reaction was very silent. Didn't say much, he said he didn't want this to happen without being able to say that he tried. I said you didn't try. That's why we're separating. I made it clear to the counselling agency that I wanted help to manage the separation, not help to get back together.

He's such a silly arse to keep me going for so many years. I told the woman that it was just bad chemistry. I'm not sure she believed that the relationship had been so bad for so long. I told her how at the beginning the pain was little and often, but now it's not so often but lasts longer. I told her I realise that's not because his behaviour has changed, it's because I am not as strong as I was when I was 21. I am absolutely exhausted.

I think we will have to be open about this to the children. My friend said not to tell them until we have a plan, but I don't think there will be a plan to make. He is trying to stall this by getting the counsellors involved.

So - front room or box room? (we have a big kitchen diner which has living space as well.)

ARSE AND FECK

Dear Barbie, great that you are going away. Take the time tonight and perhaps write him a letter and leave it on the kitchen table re living arrangements for when you get back. I would suggest don't push the living against the box room, but say this is what you think would work and why. I know it's not fair, but by giving him a choice he feels he has a little bit of control and that may be will make him feel better and therefore play into your hands in the long run