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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
LolaRennt · 23/08/2011 02:52

he has a right to air his views about their situation

If he has a right to tell his pregnant wife that he wants her to go through a traumatic procedure to end the life of their unborn baby, then other people have the right to call him a cunt for doing so.

Yeah pretty much.

CheerfulYank · 23/08/2011 03:11

Tell him flat out that you will not discuss it any longer and if he wants to even think of salvaging your marriage he will STFU.

I have a friend who went through a termination she didn't really want because she felt it was the "right thing." I will spare you what she went through and still goes through, except to say it was and is horrific.

He is being childish and frankly cruel with that, "maybe in a year" comment.

If he doesn't think he can handle a baby now, ask him how well he will handle all three of your DCs to himself when you are thrown into a depression from undergoing a termination you don't want? Because that could very well happen.

emeraldislander · 23/08/2011 03:25

He's unlikely to want another in a year or so. This reads like a ploy to placate OP into termination with the carrot that he may acquiesce to another in a year or so.

mathanxiety · 23/08/2011 04:25

YYY, Moomins, or better yet get the snip.

What guarantee is there after all that another pregnancy won't give him the heebie jeebies in a year's time?

That 'offer' of another baby down the line -- like he is doing her some sort of favour by impregnating her and allowing her to continue with a possible later pregnancy, and the glorious gift to her that is childbirth and recovery afterwards?

This is a man who simply doesn't get the idea that his wife is not his personal baby machine. He wants to have his cake and eat it too here -- on again/off again pregnancy according to his whim.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 23/08/2011 07:05

Hi everyone, thank you all again for your posts. I really needed, and still do need, the support and strength from them.

We had our chat last night and he still feels the same. I've explained calmly about what going through with it would involve and how that would possibly make him feel. I told him firmly that I would not be going through with his request and that there was no more discussion to be had about it because of how it would make me feel.

We talked about us and where that left us. He is adamant that in 12 months he would want to try again and doesn't want this baby now as 'we have so many things planned for the next 12 months'. Gosh, how stupid of me not to see that holidays and poxy business purchases can't happen if your pregnant. FFS.

I'm amazed that my kind, gentle, loving DH has turned into such a cold, unfeeling arse. He has surprised me beyond belief. Thankfully today I don't feel sad. I know what I'm doing and that it's what's best for me and my DC. I'm angry today that he's betrayed me and our baby but I seem to have my strength and courage back. Smile

He said that he's sorry (whatever that is meant to mean) but it's just the way it is. I told him that he must move out and that's what he's doing. He did try and cry his way out of it by saying how he feels like he's loosing me and that he's scared that this will break us but I couldn't care less. He's done this. It is him saying these awful things so it's up to him to sort it (himself) out.

Thanks again everyone, the world didn't seem like such a big, lonely place last night.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 23/08/2011 07:13

Oh Bree, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound so strong this morning, I hope your husband realises what a monumental twat he is being and tries to claw back from this.

Mitmoo · 23/08/2011 07:18

I don't think he'll be gone forever but he does need some time out right now to sort his head out. Babies are not dispensible and to ask you to abort a baby you already love and bonded with in the womb, a sibling for your other three children because he has changed his mind is abhorrent.

There is no reason to abort and to expect you to have a life full of regrets and pain for aborting without any medical need at this stage, well it beggars belief.

Give him a few weeks, let him sort his head and don't have him back until he is on his knees begging.

PhilipJFry · 23/08/2011 07:24

You sound like you handled it marvellously, Breever. It's so hard sometimes to make the points you want when upset but you've laid it out clearly for him. I'm still bewildered over the trying again in twelve months comments. I think it's important that you have some space and what you laid out for it was very reasonable and sensible.

NorksAreMessy · 23/08/2011 07:25

I wonder if he has spoken to anybody else about this?

The first person who says 'why did you walk out on your DW and DCs' and he has to answer 'because she wouldn't have an abortion' might help him to see some perspective. Shock

So sorry you are going through this Bree

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 23/08/2011 08:08

He's out of his tiny mind. 'That's just the way it is' and 'scared he's losing you' well.......if that's the way it is then he WILL lose you because he forces you to choose between him and your baby, which will never end well for him.

I'm so sorry this has happened. He's a fucking idiot, I don't care how scared he is, he should engage brain and discuss his fears like a grown up. Stay strong and keep your chin up. I'm willing to bet in a short while he will be back with his tale firmly between his legs but time will tell whether you can forgive this or not.

Georgimama · 23/08/2011 08:14

Norks makes a great point. Also, how does he envisage you would explain the loss of the pregnancy if you went ahead with his insane plan? Does he plan to tell family and friends he talked you into a termination because he changed his mind but you might try again next year? Or does he expect you to lie and say you had a late MC?

I would be willing to bet quite a lot of money which of those he would suggest.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 23/08/2011 08:14

Oh dear. Done time apart does sound like a good idea. I'm glad you feel stronger today.

Mitmoo · 23/08/2011 08:16

Eric I think like you it is Bree who will have the decisions to make, clearly she's not going to abort for this selfish pig of a man, but the hurt he has done is pretty humungous. It will take a lot of forgiving when his head finally comes out from inside his bum. For me to chose between an unborn child and a man I too would show the man the door even if he was my BH (as opposed to DH)

I think we should have a new acronym for Husbands and Wives when they are acting like complete bastards. BH's and BW's.

Thumbwitch · 23/08/2011 08:20

Have you explained to him what a late termination involves?
I can't believe that he had the gall to suggest you abort this one but he might consider "asking you to have another in a year's time" - WTFF?? What drugs is he on? Or if he isn't on any, perhaps he needs to be on some because that is quite the most stupid suggestion I've ever heard.

Terminating this pg isn't going to somehow miraculously ensure that the next one will go full term Hmm; this one might go full term (and I hope it does!).

I think there are some underlying other issues going on here and you might need to dig deeper to find out what his game is.

Bestb411pm · 23/08/2011 08:22

Oh Bree Sad.

I still think it's best that he's not in your space chipping away at your resolve and I'm glad you had the courage to stick to what you want and lay it out in black and white. Hopefully with a bit of distance between you, you won't have to hear anything else that will make it difficult to reconcile, should you choose to, in the future, you've enough to get your head around.

The man sounds like he's in denial, having thoughts he should have had months ago if this had been his view all along.... keep on with the requests for couples/just him counselling when he talks about wanting to be with you, I think thats the only way forward, saying what he's been saying in front of a third party might lead him to justify this sudden change to himself and you.

Stay strong, and try to focus on your kids, including no.4, I'm rooting for you all to come through this and be a complete family again - looks like you're just going to have to take the long way round.

Thumbwitch · 23/08/2011 08:24

Sorry, did a classic there and failed to read the last page - glad you've spoken to him and so very very sorry that he is still in some very weird place.

What an arse he is. :(.

I hope he works out what is important in his life before it is too late, although tbh I wouldn't be surprised if it already is, because he is acting so out of character, as far as you know.

Is there any risk that he's having some kind of mental breakdown? Only asking because of the complete unexpectedness of this "request".

Mitmoo · 23/08/2011 08:30

I'm still thinking about this and I just can't get my head around your BH's "request". At this stage into a healthy pregnancy with everything in place financially, a baby that you want, a baby that he wanted, he wants you to effectively abort your child, I am sure that the baby you are carrying at 18 weeks is every bit as real as the baby you have a nine months old, what the hell is he thinking?

I'm not sorry he has left, I think you need that because I'd be so angry everytime I looked at him my BP would rocket and you don't need that. I hope he comes to his senses really soon because the longer it takes the harder I think it will be for the OP to forgive him.

EveryonesJealousOfWeasleys · 23/08/2011 08:35

Bree, just wanted to add my voice to the support you're getting. I am so sorry you are in this awful situation. You are a strong woman and an amazing mama. I salute you.

Sn0wflake · 23/08/2011 08:39

I 2nd Thumbwitch's point. Could be having a psychological episode? From what you have said he is acting out of character. It is possible. My father has had two strange psychological episodes in his life 30 years apart that lasted a week. One brought on by illness and stress. It's just something to think about if you think he's being strange.

My father started talking a lot more than usual and very fast and got in a car and took a road trip without warning.

Anyway maybe it's nothing like that but I thought I would throw it out there as a possibility.

My thoughts are with you. I'm pregnant and I'm not sure how I would have coped with my husband turning round and betraying me and our children in this way. You are being strong and doing the right thing. Do not let him talk you into anything you don't want. Just get rid of him until he sees what an appalling thing he has done.

ChippingIn · 23/08/2011 08:43

Bree - you are amazing, you handled that so well, I am very, very impressed.

I don't know what has happened to your DH - it seems so out of character. But I think you have done the best thing you could have - told him it's not going to happen and that he needs to sort himself out and that he has to leave to do that.

You are very strong. I really, really hope he gets some counselling and can work through this and go back to being the DH you know and love - but either way, I know you will be OK. That doesn't mean you wont have some moments when it's all too much - and we will be here for those x - but I know you will come out of the other end of this and be OK - no matter what happens with your DH
x

Mitmoo · 23/08/2011 08:46

Actually more thoughts from listening to other posters, if he is having some kind of breakdown, and that's possible, then he will need some support. Is there anyone on his side of the family friendship group who you could trust to see if they can support him.

I am just not sure how it could be done if he is refusing it right now. Sorry.

DirtyMartini · 23/08/2011 08:48

His response to your talk makes it all sound even grimmer; he's just not getting it is he? Cannot imagine how this must feel for you.

What practical support do you have to help with the 3 dc while he is staying elsewhere? Pregnancy with 3 little ones around is not exactly a breeze, so I really hope you have some help with just the everyday business of keeping them all fed & watered etc.

toptramp · 23/08/2011 08:50

It makes me so mad when men are like this. My mates ex demanded she had an abortion as it ''is just like having a period''. Er.....ok Hmm Needless to say she dumped him and now is a very happy single mum to the baby she diidn't abort. My ex used to hate having sex with condoms yet when I was scared that I might be preggers he came up with the abortion card VERY quickly. Luckily I wasn't pregnant but he is history. I don't know if your h is having a breakdown but I do know he's being a selfish prick.

lachesis · 23/08/2011 08:52

Hope he's cleared off. But if he goes to his mother's, I'd bet London to a brick he won't tell her real reason he's there, because if he were my son (and yes, I have one, and daughters as well), I'd tell him to sling his hook somewhere else. I'd tell him I couldn't stand seeing my own failure to raise a real man in my face all the time, because a decent human being would never behave this way, no matter how 'scared' they are.

And all these suggestions of PTSD. As someone who's diagnosed with the condition, I find this insulting.

Selfish, immature arsehole, more likes.

whoneedssleepanyway · 23/08/2011 09:04

OMG OP this seems very very drastic action....really the two of you can't work this out?

I think your OH has been insensitive and the bit about trying again in 12 months time doesn't make a lot of sense to me, we all know you can't plan these things with military precision, but to be fair to him he has been honest with you about how he feels as you have been with him about not having a termination.

I think some of the comments that other posters have made about your DH are really really over the top.

These sort of posts make me so sad, as this would have been totally avoidable if you had discussed this before you got into this situation, I am under the impression that this baby was unplanned and so it just seems really really tragic that your family are now going to be split up over something that was potentially avoidable. I will probably get flamed for making this point but that is my opinion.