Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/08/2011 20:46

I agree you need to be a little bit selfish (for want of a better word) atm. Taking care of yourself and the dc will be hard enough on it's own.

I second the suggest that the IL's lead with regard to his mental health care, or as much as he will allow. I repeat that if they feel he is close to crisis the GP should have give local numbers too cal (if not the MH boards on here are a good bet)

and Puzzlemum I misread sorry was in a hurry with small dc demanding a poo, should never post and run sorry!

Have you spoken to many people who can come and support you in RL apart form parents and IL's. Are any of your friends around to give you some company?

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 26/08/2011 21:02

I agree with ShoutyHamster's last post.

Also you need, as others have said, to let your in-laws deal with your H. You need to concentrate on yourself and your DC, including the one in your womb.

whomovedmychocolate · 26/08/2011 21:03

OP I'm very sorry you are going through this. Without wishing to defend his actions, your DH sounds like he is at his lowest ebb, not himself and completely other at the minute. Mine went like that briefly. :( He left me. I was apparently the devil incarnate for a while. It's a long story but he got help. He got better. Things can improve and be fixed with the right help. I hope you both get what you need to make your lives happy again.

And I hope to see you posting in about 18 weeks about how fed up you are of being pregnant and when the bloody hell is this baby going to show up. :)

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 26/08/2011 21:14

GPs cannot diagnose PTSD and parents cannot have their children sectioned for being 'all over the place'. I think your FIL wants it to be 'sorted out' and for your H not to be at fault - being sectioned would 'force' your H to be 'fixed' - well no, he needs to seek help for himself.

Your H may be having a mental health crisis for which he must take responsibilty by taking any prescribed medication and seeking a referral for therapy/assessment wt the CMHT (Not CAMHS as someone suggested). The GP can refer him to the CMHT for assessment, that's the first course of action.

In your shoes I would be expecting the PILs to look after him and promote this course of action. I would probably not be seeing him until he had been assessed and taken responsibility.

MalibuStac · 26/08/2011 21:25

bree have read through the thread and just want to add my support. Thinking of you.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 26/08/2011 21:43

Have had a lovely chat with MIL. Can't believe I was never that keen on her. The sectioned comment seems to be a knee jerk reaction from FIL. MIL has said he's finding it very hard to watch us all in so much pain and just wants to make it better regardless of what he has to do. Both her and I agree it's not that simple though. She fully supports me in my need to distance myself from H, as she sees that I can't do anything. It's up to him.

The PTSD is in relation to the 2 pre terms but also said that he needs to see someone regarding this as it's not his field and can't be sure. He is sure that he is depressed though.

No one can force H to do any of this so it seems the ball is in his court. I really feel for FIL, he's trying so hard to be strong for us but it's obvious that he's having a hard time.

My parents will have the DCs for me again Sunday to give me a break and I've finally told a close friend who is going to look after DCs for an hour or two while I get checked out ( hopefully!) tomorrow.

OP posts:
FigsAndWine · 26/08/2011 21:44

I'm not going to venture any further personal opinions here, but I've read the thread since I last posted, and want to say that I agree with quite a lot of what lachesis said (Goddamnit! Grin ), some of what ShoutyHamster said, and all of what EricNorthmansMistress (and not just because I love Eric Northman) said.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 26/08/2011 21:51

It appears that you are in a particularly lonely place as there seems to be a dearth of others who have been faced with a dh who without warning, and having hitherto joyously welcomed the news of another addition to his family, suddenly expressed a desire to abort their child at a late stage.

As shouty has said, it is highly unlikely that a GP has arrived at a definitive diagnosis of your dh's mental health in such a short space of time but, unless he is considered to be in danger of harming himself or others, he cannot be compelled to take any prescribed medication, submit to any other treament, or be sectioned.

You are fortunate in having been able to persuade your dh to leave the marital home and having got your pils onside within a couple of days of your dh's about face and, of course, you are blessed in having no financial worries to concern you at this difficult time.

It is to be hoped that the support you have had, and will no doubt continue to receive, here will carry you through until more light is shed on your dh's reasons for his bizarre request.

FigsAndWine · 26/08/2011 21:52

Cross-posted with you Bree. I'm so glad that you have family support, especially from your inlaws, even when they are as confused about it as anyone. I think that you have been very strong, and are doing well to distance yourself from husband whilst he works all his shit out (hopefully). Let his family and friends support him as much as possible through this, whilst you draw on the support of your friends and family (I know that includes your inlaws, which is great).

My personal intuition (not that that is worth jack shit) is that there is a reason for him freaking out like this, and that when that is identified and resolved, he could and would love this fourth baby like he's loved the others. Whether you'll be able to accept that, given what a fucking wanker he's been, is of course another matter entirely.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/08/2011 22:29

Bree I'm so glad you have confided in a friend, otherwise the world can be a very lonley place where MH issues are concerned. Good luck with the check up tomorrow it may be worth letting a mw know that all is not rosy at home and you may need additional support during the pregnancy. That's what they are supposed to do!

How are you managing with the business side of things, is he signed off sick? I was bemoaning the BH weekend a few hours ago but actually it should give you some time away from any business presures.

Have broken my glassess and can't see (let alone think straight) so have a peaceful night.

lachesis · 26/08/2011 22:37

Bree, we're all behind you and the pregnancy you want to keep. Having had MH issues, they are his to sort out, ultimately, with support that he must seek out. Refusing therapy NOT an option. At all.

honeyandsalt · 26/08/2011 22:39

I agree with what's been said here - primarily focus on yourself and your kids Bree, it's great the ILs are there for your H.

I also agree very much that he needs to undergo whatever sort of therapy helps, and that he should take responsability for what he has done. But there's not much for you to do there except communicate this to him at some stage soon, perhaps through the PIL.

Apart from that I'm at a loss rather, things are still not really adding up for me.

FigsAndWine · 26/08/2011 22:44

honeyandsalt said "Apart from that I'm at a loss rather, things are still not really adding up for me."

That's how I feel too.

honeyandsalt · 26/08/2011 22:48

Yup

TheSecondComing · 26/08/2011 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lachesis · 26/08/2011 23:06

My GP has a mental health speciality, actually, and excellent. If I need an appointment for these issues, I ask for him. But he knows when to refer on to specialist or psych team, and is well-trained in how to put things and deal. The psych nurse is excellent and qualified to practice level, so can do much.

baressentials · 26/08/2011 23:12

TSC you said all that i wanted to say.

LineRunner · 26/08/2011 23:47

Yes I do have to agree with TheSecondComing about this, sadly, being quite astonishing. Well shocking, really, like many have said. I wish I had a decent GP like yours, OP, I concur that's it's really good that yours is expert in this area.

NLonherwayhome · 27/08/2011 00:03

Sadly many women are pressured in to ending pregnancies - and continuing them - contrary to their own wishes. The issue of a woman's right to choose for herself and for herself alone is very much a current one that many of us may face in our own lives or in the lives of the women we care about. It's really important that we all take that issue very seriously indeed and give it the respect it deserves. I am sure the OP above all will know exactly what I mean.

lachesis · 27/08/2011 01:30

He's laying this on the line: him/her or me.

But here's the difference: he's an adult. He's had time, to grow and become such and try to force the decision. Or to do something about the so-called decision he's made that is not his.

This person, your child, because that's how you think of him/her, has not.

And you, you want that person, a child, to be born to become such.

So do what you need to do, Bree, to do that. In this case, detach yourself so you can do what you need to do, which is to have this child.

Because this is what you want, and this choice, this choice is YOURS.

mathanxiety · 27/08/2011 02:17

'He's laying this on the line: him/her or me.'
I think so too Lachesis. He rolled some mighty big dice when he issued his demand and is now rolling them again by refusing to go to therapy. Bree's reaction must have been a shock.

So glad you have reached out to a friend Bree.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 27/08/2011 02:18

I'm bemused too honey, but the OP has achieved a lot in a remarkably short space of time and it now remains to be seen whether the same rapid progress can be achieved in relation to an expert diagnosis and treatment of her dh's condition, and/or resolution of the situation.

Thumbwitch · 27/08/2011 02:22

If he is refusing to go to therapy, will he take the ADs? If he can't see the need for the one, he may decide there's no need for the other. I know that's not necessarily the case - he might think the drugs will do the job fine on their own - but there is a risk of it.
Has he been given a psych referral for assessment?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 27/08/2011 02:31

ADs aren't going to alter his state of mind any time soon, and nor will counselling/therapy.

However, it seems as if the OP and/or her PILs are possessed of sufficient werewithal to fast track her dh to a private pyschiatrist or mh unit although, of course, he may not choose to co-operate.

ReadyToDrink · 27/08/2011 02:35

Only just opened this thread & have read it all. I hope the stress of these sudden developments don't cause a problem for you, healthwise. I'm glad you're getting checked out tomorrow.