To be angry at his abortion request?

[Breevandercamp1750]

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

Bree you are being so dignified in the circumstances. That you want FIL to go with him is so kind, after all the shit he has put you through in the last week.

You want your dh back not the wanker currently inhabiting his body. I hope the visit to the GP can help him along that road.

Fingers crossed he got an appt today as it's BH weekend (isn't it always when you actually need to see the GP!). Remember if it's a mental health issue and it gets to crisis point there are other avenues.

I doubt any GP worth his salt would recomend termination of a wife's baby for the husband MH. Even if he did try that!

Doris, that wasn't quite what I meant, sorry if I expressed it poorly. I agree that the GP would not make such a recommendation. Just that the DH might use the fact he has been to the GP to make a case for his problems thus being serious enough for Bree to reconsider.

FIL managed to get H an emergency appointment at 5pm. H has been given antidepressants and is said to be suffering PTSD. GP has suggested talking to a therapist but H refused. FIL has suggested having him sectioned as he feels that he is a danger to others and himself. He's all over the place apparently. Not sure if that's possible or fair on H??

The worry and upset is making me feel ill now and I've been having tummy pains. Don't think it's baby related, think it's just stress but will get checked out.

It sounds awful but I really want to remove myself from him and the anxiety for a while. Not too sure how to do that, my brain seems to follow me wherever I go!

Thanks again everyone, you're all wonderful

So sorry to read this thread, OP. Can you ask your PILs to take responsibility for him and deal with him completely? I'm sure they'd understand that you need to remove yourself from all the anxiety and chaos he seems to be creating.

I am so sorry you are going through all this .

Try and stay calm and keep an eye on baby's movements.

Is the PTSD from when you had the premature births?

Blimey. Don't know what to say really.
Except for you to take care of yourself. Re: your H, it is wht it is. you can't pre-empt what he'll feel like when he comes out of this, so the only thing you can do is nurture that baby as well as the DCs at home and keep being brave.
Thinking of you.

Right now I would suggest firstly getting yourself checked out, then delegating any MH decisions regarding your H to his parents, so that you don't have the strain on you. It sounds as though you trust their judgment.

Yes you will have residual stress from all that has happened, but you won't have the day to day stress of having to deal with your H.

Sorry to hear about your DH. Perhaps the GP and mental health service colleagues are best-placed to advise on whether or not intervention/sectioning is appropriate in his case. The in-laws can surely handle this....

Please take care of yourself, and rest if you can, get someone to come and help with the dcs.

Sectioning is not a punishment -- fairness is not a factor that really comes into it. It is very necessary sometimes if someone needs help for a mental health issue but will not go and do what is encouraged or advised, in this case counseling or therapy. Sectioning is often necessary in the case of MH because of the way MH problems can cloud the judgement as to what you need. If your FIL is prepared to contemplate this for his son (as he says for the good of H and others) then please listen to him.

I agree that getting away from all of this somehow would be a good idea -- if there's no way to physically get away, to a hotel or somewhere that wouldn't wear you out, is there anyone who could come and stay with you to lighten your load or distract you a bit?

I agree with allowing the ILs to take this decision.

So glad your IL's are helping out!

Really hope things get better for all of you!

He's best off seeing CAMHS and your letting FIL deal with this now. PTSD needs to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

Look after yourself just now, Bree, you've got a lot on your plate and you are pregnant.

A danger to others and himself? How exactly? What has he been doing/saying? Has FIL elaborated? Instant diagnosis of PTSD from 5 minute appointment with GP - yes? And no further exploration of this, because your H doesn't want to - no therapy, oh no we don't need that. Some pills might help everything 'blow over', do you think? What does 'all over the place' mean?

Basically what has been sanctioned here is - no attempt to provide a proper explanation of this behaviour for YOUR benefit, no intention to employ every option to make DAMN SURE what has happened here is INVESTIGATED, SORTED OUT, so you have an explanation for his behaviour as well as making sure nothing like this is ever presented to you again - oh no - this will only be addressed insofar as he wants to address it? So it's ALL about him, and not what you have gone through over the past few days?

PTSD or not, the fact also remains that he has treated you appallingly. Goodness knows whether you will be able to put it behind you. I think a reasonable response to this would be, 'I'm sorry, but after what you have said and done over the past week, you do not have the option of refusing therapy if you wish me to consider staying with you. You have an obligation to do absolutely everything in your power to convince me that you realise the gravity of your actions and what effect your statements had on me and our relationship - and even then, this is going to be a struggle. If you think you can go to the GP, get a quick prescription for depression and then come back and everything will be as it is, you are very much mistaken.'

I hope that you also make PIL aware of this - I would guess that they will be relieved that 'something' has been done - I'm sure I'm not the only one on here however that will be raising an eyebrow at this situation. Refusing counselling - yes, that's what he did as all this kicked off. I don't see anything to really celebrate here.

It's clear that the stress of this is affecting you physically too and I hope that you can stay as removed from all of it as possible - get good sleep, stay away from him, enjoy the children and try not to think about it. Don't even entertain the idea of him coming back to the house right now and make sure that PIL know that a bottle of tablets won't undo the damage he has done here.

Sorry posted too soon.

On being sectioned - again, I am not sure of who needs to be involved here but I would, at least, suggest to FIL that they involve a mental health professional to make that decision - not the GP. If it is really heading that way, that's what needs to be done. That option seems quite at odds with the GP sending him off with an ant-D prescription anyway. I don't know enough about it though. As for you Bree I would let PIL be at the forefront here and stay well, well away from him and the chaos he seems to be causing.

yes, i think if they are willing to, i would let his parents look after him for the time being: when he has recovered he will understand that you need to keep your stress levels under control for the sake of dc4, and your other dc. it may also be the case that he needs some space to process the difficulties he is having.

does the gp agree about sectioning? because if it is medically called for, then it would actually be unfair to leave him untreated.

good luck, i hope you can both get over this

Bree I havent read this whole thing because its so long now and I was avoiding it because I knew it would upset me, but I think I have the main points. Please please remember the way he is acting isnt about you or the children, its to do with stuff that is happening in his head. Its not a excuse but dont hate him for it either. Hopefully he will get better and be the husband you had before again.There are also organisations that provide support for families of people with mental health problems and you should try to get in touch with one of them, they will give you advice and practical support hopefully.

I really hope you all get through this in one piece. And that includes him xx

' Instant diagnosis of PTSD from 5 minute appointment with GP - yes? And no further exploration of this, because your H doesn't want to - no therapy, oh no we don't need that. Some pills might help everything 'blow over', do you think? What does 'all over the place' mean?'

YY. Having been diagnosed with PTSD (following rape), and having been treated for ante- and post-natal depression for 8 years and still under consultant care, this condition is something that is diagnosed at consultant level. Therapy is a must, preferably with help from organisations trained in dealing with people who have experienced similar.

The cynic in me thinks he's manipulated PIL on side to still try to bully you into an abortion you do not want.

So hand him off to them entirely and take yourself away from this.

Even if he is in need of sectioning, believe me, he's best off in the care of professionals in this situation.

Yes SH, that is a compelling way of looking at it. Especially the pov here: 'I'm sorry, but after what you have said and done over the past week, you do not have the option of refusing therapy if you wish me to consider staying with you. You have an obligation to do absolutely everything in your power to convince me that you realise the gravity of your actions and what effect your statements had on me and our relationship - and even then, this is going to be a struggle. If you think you can go to the GP, get a quick prescription for depression and then come back and everything will be as it is, you are very much mistaken.'

Yes -- MH issues or not, people can be held accountable for their words and actions. It seems the H's desire not to go to therapy is being taken seriously and he is assumed to be capable of making this decision. So should the rest of what he has decided to say then.

Hope the ILs are thinking that the 'threat' of sectioning might make the H decide to spill the beans to a psychiatrist or therapist. It offends some people to think they might require sectioning to the extent that they decide the alternative is not that objectionable.

You gotta be pretty messed up, too, to be sectioned.

Just to be clear, I wasnt condoning his actions because he is ill.

Fantastic post shouty. You speak alot of sense.
Bree have lurked but not posted before.
I think you are being so strong.
Let your PIL deal with with him for the time being.
Look after yourself, bump and your DC.
That is your priority.
x

'Yes -- MH issues or not, people can be held accountable for their words and actions. It seems the H's desire not to go to therapy is being taken seriously and he is assumed to be capable of making this decision. So should the rest of what he has decided to say then.'

Absolutely! And, having been that person, you're very much not yourself when you get to the point of needing sectioned, BUT, with medication and therapy, one of the first things you want to do is everything in your power to get back home and with your family. NO WAY is that going to happen without proper therapy and counselling for any side problems that may have resulted from your illness.

It's not an emergency appointment and a 30-day prescription. In fact, if the GP thinks you're a danger to yourself, he/she will not give you 30-days worth of jack shit at one time. I can guarantee that.

Was FIL in the room with your H at the Doctors?
When you say FIL has suggested having H sectioned, is that something he discussed with your H's Dr? What was the Drs response? Or has he just discussed it with you?

Bare, that was going to be my question. It seems a very long stretch from the GP 'diagnosing' PTSD, prescribing ADs to your H being a danger to himself and others to having to be sectioned.

Bree, I know you will look after your 4 beautiful DC and yourself first and foremost - every single post you have made on here reinforces just how strong you are and how how you will do everything in your power to protect your 4 children.

Your H has enough support in his parents and HCPs to look after him. Remember that. Whatever his parents think of him at the moment, he is their son and I am sure they will look after him. They actually sound pretty fucking amazing.

I think you are pretty fucking amazing too. Keep strong and look after yourself. Please get yourself checked out if you have any concerns - any more tummy pains. The levels of stress you must be under at the moment must be huge. You are 18 weeks pregnant, you have 3 DC, you run several businesses and you have a husband who - for whatever reason - is causing you so much additional stress.

I know it's not done on MN, but feck it. Take a huge from me xxx