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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
honeyandsalt · 26/08/2011 13:30

figs it was perfectly reasonable for lach to assume you hadn't read the thread. It was an early suggestion of many to communicate with him about the realities of late abortion, and one which the OP took up.

She talked to him in detail about what late abortions involve and emailed him graphic details, so your suggestion implied that either you weren't aware of the full facts or you were being dense. It was charitable to assume the former.

Thinking the the written word and image is by default less powerful than the spoken one is a little dense too, sorry to say. Biscuit

FigsAndWine · 26/08/2011 14:11

Thanks Whose Smile

honey you can have your Biscuit right back and nibble on it whilst you read my post of 10:08 where I quote exactly what the OP said on the matter. Hmm

As I said then the OP was not specific about exactly what they talked about, eg. whether it was how an abortion would affect her emotionally, or the actual hard facts (in shocking detail) of what that would entail. That's why I was asking the specific questions in my first post, not because I am dense. Hmm

"Thinking the the written word and image is by default less powerful than the spoken one is a little dense too, sorry to say. biscuit"

I wish you'd properly read my posts before you insult me, since that isn't what I said at all; I said that I felt a face to face discussion of the stark realities would better enable the OP to gauge her husband's reaction, and to not let him wriggle away from confronting what he's done.

These were only suggestions to the OP in the first place, which I wasn't demanding that she take on board at all; I was trying to be helpful to her. Now it's become this huge issue that people are taking exception with me over. I repeat; I'm sorry if I caused offence to people who have personal experience of late abortion or miscarriage. I'm not sorry if I've offended the sensibilities of those who just think we shouldn't talk about the reality of the issue. If the OP were considering having a termination, then I wouldn't have posted what I did, because I wouldn't have considered it to be helpful or supportive. But she's not, so I did, and if you want to criticise me, at least read my posts properly first. Hmm

honeyandsalt · 26/08/2011 14:39

Figs I am sorry, I shouldn't have called you dense. I do disagree with you though on this.

Always up for a Biscuit thanks, maybe a Brew to go with...

Ok let me put it a different way (and this is my last post on the topic for Bree's otherwise larely helpful thread has been hijacked by this)

On the evidence of her posts - particularly referring to looking up the information in development books then "I've explained calmly about what going through with it would involve" and "Have been a bit of a cow today and emailed him horrid details of late term abortions because he text this morning to ask me if I'd 'calmed down yet?' " - the OP has already made the reality, facts and her feelings about the procedure more than crystal-clear to her H. There's no reason to ask her to carry on banging her head against that particular brick wall, particularly as it must be very distressing for her to discuss the termination of her baby, even hypothetically.

SouthernFriedTofu · 26/08/2011 14:50

Is there really any need to fight between posters? I know it is AIBU but sometimes people can just leave it. No one has been offensive to the OP (for the mot part) so just because something isn't helpful to you doesn't mean the OP won't find it helpful.

Is anyone else hoping the Op's husband will show up today and just say "I'm sorry, I lost it totally. I don't know what happened" I am. Think a situtation where a couple who have had a good relationship in the past ending a marriage in such a horrible way is pretty upsetting.

MoominsAreScary · 26/08/2011 15:11

Agree with southern not the thread to be arguing or even questioning others posts unless they are being derogatory to the op, which I haven't seen happening

Sn0wflake · 26/08/2011 15:18

Moomin - "Look the man knows exactly what he is asking of his wife, he is just putting his feelings before hers, I also suspect he DOES see what a big deal it is to ask his wife to have one, he is just more interested in what HE wants."

How can you possibly know what is going on in his head? We are all just guessing and surmising. In the end we just don't know what is going on.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2011 15:21

Can we please stop this back and forth-ing? I am posting the following in hopes that we can focus on Bree and not the whys and wherefores of posting details of late abortions or stillbirths and what they entail.

From going back through the posts:
Bree and her H have discussed the matter 'over and over'. (Mon 22-Aug-11 18:11:14)

'He keeps saying how sorry he is but he's not going back on his decision.' (Mon 22-Aug-11 18:56:10)

She and her H have discussed what a late abortion would entail, with Bree using the baby development book. 'I've explained calmly about what going through with it would involve and how that would possibly make him feel.' He is 'sorry but it's the way it is' (ref what he has decided must be done). (Tue 23-Aug-11 07:05:52)

Bree emailed details of late abortions after the 'have you calmed down?' text. (Wed 24-Aug-11 15:25:56)

So there has been a face to face discussion and also an e-mail wrt the details of what he wants her to do. He has made it clear that he remains unmoved and expects her to fall in line with his 'decision'.

Please, MNers, can we refocus on support?

mathanxiety · 26/08/2011 15:25

So impressed by your ILs Bree, and very much hoping that your FIL will be able to glean some hint of what is going on in your H's head and heart.

honeyandsalt · 26/08/2011 15:28

I agree math, both posts.

Hope today is going well for you Bree. Haagen-Dasz and a good film tonight.

MoominsAreScary · 26/08/2011 15:29

snowflake I posted that in response to something someone else said to me but carryon the bickering if that's what you feel is right

What I was just agreeing with is as southern said, posters bickering between each other and name calling

Not people giving their opinions on why they think the husband has said what he has

Sn0wflake · 26/08/2011 15:31

To be fair I think everybody is trying to support Bree but we have different approaches.

Still the back and forth has gone on a bit.

Sn0wflake · 26/08/2011 15:36

Moomin I have said nothing rude or 'bickering' to you so I don't see that I deserve that response. Is it bickering when I disagree with you but a well laid out argument when you disagree with someone else? Do you see the double standard?

I stand by my thinking that we can't know what is going on in his head.

Anyway I better leave the thread because this isn't helping Bree.

Bree all my warm wishes and kind thoughts to you. I just hope everything turns out OK for you and you get the explanation you deserve.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 26/08/2011 16:05

I am so sorry to have caused arguments. That was never my wish. Everyone who has posted has been helpful, regardless of whether others have agreed or not. Everyones opinion is valid and has come from a good place, with the best intentions. I appreciate that more than I can express here.

FIL has popped in (he's taken DS1 for a much needed hair cut) and has spoken with H. H is and I use his words, 'in a bad way and has agreed to see the GP'. I have asked FIL to go with him just for peace of mind that he has actually gone.

Everyones opinions are really keeping me going. No more bickering!!! Wink

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 26/08/2011 16:08

Bree - please don't apologise! certainly not your fault at all. I am very pleased that your FIL has made some progress and hope that the GP visit proves fruitful.

youarekidding · 26/08/2011 16:16

bree don't opologise.

FWIW I see where the PP who have said (as I did earlier) to give him a chance and not do too much 'final' stuff atm. You are hurting (understandably so) but the more you go with the 'he's a cunt leave him' the more you close the door and risk no solution to the marraige or if you never get back together you will probably make communication very difficult.

He is wrong - there's no doubt, but remember the DH he was this time last week, if there was no hint of this kind of behaviour, then chances are this DH is still there under the fucked up exterior.

Hope you are well. Probably teaching grandma to suck eggs but try and keep calm, if you are stressed it will affect you more being PG and possibly more so if you've experienced previous premmie births.

Ice cream helps me. Wink

SheCutOffTheirTails · 26/08/2011 16:30

Bree - so glad your FIL seems to have made a start in getting through to him :)

It's also somewhat reassuring to hear that he is in a bad way - it has been his cold detachment that has shocked so many of us and, I imagine, has been very hard for you to deal with.

honeyandsalt · 26/08/2011 16:41

Glad things are moving forward Bree!

And sure don't apologise, it's not your fault there are divergences of opinion. And some of us have got a little, er, heated (I apologised!!) Grin

FigsAndWine · 26/08/2011 16:53

Thank you for the apology honey. We agree to diverge in our opinions. Smile

FigsAndWine · 26/08/2011 16:54
honeyandsalt · 26/08/2011 17:03

Cheers figs sips Brew

♥ to Bree

mathanxiety · 26/08/2011 17:04

Well done your FIL! Maybe some progress....

LineRunner · 26/08/2011 17:08

Hello, Bree, I'm glad your DH is being taken to the GP as that is something you feel will help.

I posted to you very early on in the thread that I didn't think you should have an abortion because you clearly didn't want to have one (from a pro-choice feminist perspective); and after you had confirmed that you were most certainly not going to have an abortion I posted generally that your saying 'No' did not require pictures.

I was worried from the get-go that this thread would be joined by persons that are not necessarily focused on the non-abortion that you are posting about.

wahwahwah · 26/08/2011 17:16

Thank goodness he has taken the first step. I hope it works out for you all - and that he is just having a bit of a crisis rather than a health problem.

I hope you can work this through and look forward to your new baby.

FigsAndWine · 26/08/2011 17:19

LineRunner was that directed at me? Confused

Goddamnit I knew I shouldn't have come back!

puzzlesum · 26/08/2011 17:44

Bree, I have been lurking from the beginning and have nothing but admiration for your strength. I hope, hope, hope that your DH has begun to see that his response is not rational but a terrible part of me wonders whether he thinks getting the GP involved might be another way to get you to do what he appears to want. In other words: I have depression, clearly having a new baby in 22 weeks would be too much to cope with, why don't we put it off in favour of concentrating on my recovery?

Wishing you all the best, but I thought I should post this so you might prepare yourself for that particular possibility.

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