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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiCarbsClaire · 25/08/2011 18:38

Bloody norah. I am so, so sorry Bree. What a hideous situation for you to be in. With 3 young children and a much-loved baby on the way.

I am astonished that someone could be so heartless, tbh.

Well done for being so strong, hope your in-laws stay supportive of you.

He is a disgrace. Dear god he has no excuse to behave this way, and no right or justification to ask this of you.

lachesis · 25/08/2011 18:53

'OP have you discussed with him the implications of his request? That you would have to go through labour? And see your perfectly formed baby? What does he say to that? '

She already has. She stated this several times further down in the thread. He told her he'd already made his decision as a response.

youarekidding · 25/08/2011 18:59

bree Can I suggest whilst making other lists and enquiries that you make a list of all the questions you want him to answer and all the things that need to change and he needs to do if you manage to work through this or even if you don't ?

Tell him straight that until he answers the questions and agree to the 'demands' (and that you will judge if you think he's being honest) there is absolutly zero chance in hell of you 'calming down' and this 'blowing over'.

I think what I am finding strange now is that at the beginning myself and others were questioning MH problems, PTSD etc etc. It seems to me that although these wouldn't excuse what he asked you to do they might go part way to explanation for it. BUT he seems to be showing no signs of being pro active in resolving this, showing no signs in even trying to understand how YOU feel.

pointythings · 25/08/2011 19:05

I've been lurking on this thread and I'm stunned, amazed and horrified. bree you surely deserve a medal - I am so glad your whole family are rallying round you, including your ILs.

I agree with the other posters who are shouting 'other woman' - I really can't see another explanation. I'm just sorry that your DH turned out to have such feet of clay.

Showed DH this thread, he is horrified on your behalf and his reply is unrepeatable even on MN...

emmanumber3 · 25/08/2011 20:11

I have nothing useful to add as previous posters have basically said it all.

You are an amazingly strong & dignified lady Bree. I'm sure I would not have had the strength to deal with something as major as this as well as you are. Your children are lucky to have a mum like you, all 4 of them Smile.

So sorry you are going through this shit though Sad.

Sn0wflake · 25/08/2011 21:50

Hope all goes well tonight.

ShoutyHamster · 25/08/2011 22:19

Really glad that your inlaws are being supportive Bree.

You will get through this, whatever happens, you and your children will be ok.

Him? There is more to this than meets the eye. Far more. Time will tell and I am glad that you are keeping yourself going, and busy, and investigating.

EveryonesJealousOfWeasleys · 25/08/2011 23:08

Just adding my support again - you are an amazing woman.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 26/08/2011 04:38

Actually

Does he somehow think that by asking for an abortion,knowing you would not agree would mean you somehow "owed him one" and he could use it against you is one of the more credible explanations.

He asks for an abortion. In his head, this goes like this: You say no, but it puts you on the back foot. Suddenly you are explaining why not, apologising to him, justifying the cost, promising to budget in other areas so he can still have his holiday, assuring him that you'll do all the night wakeups and baby work and whatnot because you're aware that it's an inconvenience. And you won't complain when he has to work late, or sleep "in a hotel" to get away from all the noise of an unwanted larger family. You're the supplicant, proving to him that the baby isn't going to ruin your marriage.

He wasn't expecting your anger, or you asking for a break. That's what he thinks will 'blow over', the anger. You'll crumble, and the two of you will talk, and the 'compromise' will be that you agree to do X, Y and Z to make sure his life isn't impacted.

stella1w · 26/08/2011 05:01

You don't want an abortion - don't have it. I wouldn't even bother talking this over with him anymore although it sounds like he needs counselling. If this breaks you up, then you will cope. You will NOT cope with an abortion you do not want
And I am prochoice..

CheerfulYank · 26/08/2011 05:48

I think you've hit the nail on the head there, Tortoise .

Ugh I just want to punch him.

deemented · 26/08/2011 06:44

I think you're got a point there too, Tortoise.

Bree - i hope you've had a peaceful night, snuggled up with your babies. Chin up chuck, and keep on keeping on x

Thumbwitch · 26/08/2011 07:06

Tortoise you make a very good point except for the one thing - the OP and her H wanted 4 children. This is the 4th one. If he had changed his mind about having 4, he should have thought about it earlier, before she got pregnant.

I agree that her reaction and anger are what he thinks will "blow over" - which indicates that he has no clue how much what he asked her to do has affected her and their marriage. No clue at all - even though she has thrown him out and changed the locks, he probably thinks it's all some hormonal hissy fit and she'll get over it. Or - he doesn't care. And his lack of trying to see his current DC points in the "he doesn't care" direction.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 26/08/2011 09:08

Morning everyone,

I had a lovely night with the DCs. So much nicer with them home Smile

PIL were incredible last night. So kind so supportive, just amazing. MIL is still saying that she wants nothing to do with him until he sees sense but FIL has agreed to try and talk to him. Still hoping that someone manages to get some sense from him and soon.

I told the children that H was away on business, and that I wasn't too sure how long it would take. They seemed to take it well, hope I don't have to explain that he's never coming back.

Feeling very drained today but have the doctors and the vets and the final bits and bobs for school to get. Think that it's going to be a long day today Sad

Thanks again for all your support, it really keeps me going.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 26/08/2011 09:15

Make sure you have some fun today and treats for you even if it is just a ready meal or yummy pudding to have once the kids are in bed.

You might find the day flies by if you have lots to do.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/08/2011 09:16

Very very good post Tortoise. I also think you've hit it squarely on the head.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 26/08/2011 09:17

Just read through this thread and am totally appalled by this 'man' Angry every bit of his behaviour is disgusting and I'm not surprised at his mother's disapointment and shame. The only person responsible for his behaviour though is himself and I'm pretty sure he has some twisted logic going on here, a plan, a motive for his own personal gain. Hmm Angry

Bree I admire your strength, I think you are doing so well and I'm glad you have good support from your parents and in laws.

Thumbwitch · 26/08/2011 09:18

Bree - you're doing so well, you have the support from your ILs which is invaluable and you are a wonderfully strong person.

Whatever happens, you will find a way to cope - and to tell your DC if(when?) you have to.

Have you got support from your own family as well as your ILs? Do they know?

Dohsex · 26/08/2011 09:29

Tortoise speaks great sense.

On a slightly more alarmist note (I watch far too much crime tv) a man wanting to end a pregnancy when all has seemed perfectly fine before, has often been down to him having an affair and the fact that he's told his mistress he's no longer sleeping with his wife. A lie that will come out as soon as she realises the wife is pregnant Sad I suppose at least if it is an affair you may have some peace of mind knowing why he's suddenly turned into a nob.

You've been heroic through this, sending you hugs. xx

honeyandsalt · 26/08/2011 09:40

Have a good day bree I think it'll help being busy.

Hopefully FIL will be an ear and get the truth out of him, whatever it may be.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 26/08/2011 09:48

FigsAndWine I have been present at the birth of twins who were two days off 18 weeks (so 17+5). One twin had died in utero and the mother had to be induced because she had developed an infection. The mother went through labour, and whilst one twin had died, the other was born alive and showed signs of life for at least half an hour afterwards. sad They were perfectly formed tiny babies, just with eyelids still fused and their skin very translucent.

That's awful! Sad

ColdSancerre · 26/08/2011 09:51

Hope you have a good day Bree, second the idea about taking time for a treat for you if you can.

Wonder if FIL will get any sense out of him as to what is behind this. Hope so for your sake.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 26/08/2011 09:56

It does sound likely that your DH has had some sort of episode or is unwell . . . otherwise he's just a wanker. Yuo must be really confused right now OP.

Loonytoonie · 26/08/2011 09:58

Good morning Bree - I agree with you trying to sort out some treats for yourself today - pack your fridge with lovely things and buy yourself a decent book so you can at least try and escape for an hour or so once your little one's are in bed. Keep in touch.

FigsAndWine · 26/08/2011 10:08

lachesis said "She already has. She stated this several times further down in the thread. He told her he'd already made his decision as a response."

Thanks for answering me on the OP's behalf there, lachesis. Hmm

In fact what the OP said was
"We had our chat last night and he still feels the same. I've explained calmly about what going through with it would involve and how that would possibly make him feel. I told him firmly that I would not be going through with his request and that there was no more discussion to be had about it because of how it would make me feel." In which I don't know whether graphic specifics were discussed, or a general reference to how hard it would be. Later the OP said that she emailed him graphic details of late abortions, but she hasn't necessarily discussed this with him.

What I meant was, a face to face discussion where she tells him exactly what an abortion at this late stage will entail, and ask him whether he would be prepared to hold his aborted child afterwards, having ordered the lethal injection into its heart and put his wife through labour to birth a dead baby.

But thanks for making me repeat myself in even more graphic terms, lachesis Hmm

Of course OP I'm not suggesting that you have the abortion, just to confront him face to face with the stark reality of it and gauge his reaction; whether this request is coming from panic, without having thought through the real implications of what a late abortion would do to you (and him), or is he fully aware of this but just doesn't care.

I'm glad you're gathering strength from your family. I hope you can find some positive resolution to this.