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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 25/08/2011 15:29

If he thinks that I will not cope and will ask him to come home then he is a misguided fool. I need him for nothing. I just wanted him, I love(d) him. If, after all this time he hasn't realised that then he's an arse.

I have spoken to MIL and he had text her and asked for some money until this 'blows over'. In her words she 'lost her rag' and has pretty much disowned him. She's heartbroken for the DC and me but also for herself. She somehow feels responsible for the way he's turning out. I do think its important though that the door is left slightly open with them just incase he really is having a crisis and needs someone. Have invited PIL over this evening for dinner, they can see the DC, we can have a chat when they go to bed and hopefully find a way of moving forward. With or without him.

OP posts:
wahwahwah · 25/08/2011 15:33

Bravo - you are being far more reasonable and grown up that I would be in the same situation!

I am pleased for you that the PILs are understanding and not the 'my son is a saint' brigade. I hope the chat helps - don't let the idiot think that everyone is ganging up on him though. He sounds like he is in some sort of crisis himself and being completely selfish (tbh he probaby can't 'help himself' and will realise what he had done at some point).

mathanxiety · 25/08/2011 15:48

'until this blows over'?

OMG, he really thinks you need to get over yourself, doesn't he? He doesn't get what he has done at all, thinks this is some storm in a teacup.

He couldn't possibly think he has a leg to stand on after his own mother let him have it. I wonder how long he will hold out.

I think he really does need to experience the complete cold shoulder and to feel the anger of the family. He has some serious thinking to do about himself. In order to go forward from this he needs to understand exactly what he has done, how angry everyone is at him and why. He will not be able to see this if people mollycoddle him or show concern for his feelings.

If you really feel he is having a mh crisis as opposed to his true colours coming out in the wash you could suggest he goes to talk with his GP. Whatever it is, do not fall into the trap of trying to heal him yourself.

Thumbwitch · 25/08/2011 15:55

Ahhh Bree - he has lost it. How does he expect it to "Blow over"? Does he think that you are, heaven forfend, overreacting? Or does he expect you to somehow miraculously cave and have the termination after all so that he can waltz back in?

So glad his mother gave him both barrels as well and that she and your FIL are there for you and the DC.

Keep checking into the background to see what may have triggered this, if anything.

Have a sneaky ((hug)) as well. You're amazing!

MysteriousHamster · 25/08/2011 15:57

I know I've already said something similar on this thread, but there must be something going on.

I can't see how even the most twisted logic could take a man happy with a pregnancy one minute, then not only demanding a late-term abortion, but be willing to lose his wife, children and parents for it - just so the next 12 months' plans aren't 'ruined'. Has to be a woman or debt or a crisis of some sort. At first I thought he was scared to lose you/the baby, but looks like that could happen anyway now.

I really hope you get to find out soon and that it will bring some sort of peace for you, though I imagine it will only be the beginning of whatever comes next.

Good on you and the PIL for being sensible thus far. Hopefully they'll stay on your side though it's hard to predict as sometimes they start being defensive about their own offspring in such circumstances.

MysteriousHamster · 25/08/2011 15:58

Also, how does a pregnancy blow over?

Does he not realise there will come a point at which it will be impossible for you to get an abortion even if you wanted one?

MysteriousHamster · 25/08/2011 16:02

Ok, so it's bad manners to post three times in a row - but is he an idiot?

Bree - you are going to have your baby, because you want to have your baby. He can whine and leave and complain but the baby is going to come.

What will he have achieved by doing any of this given that you are not going to change your mind at this stage?

TheOriginalFAB · 25/08/2011 16:02

Forgive if I am being thick (I am not well) but I am wondering if he knows you are going to continue with the pregnancy and he is talking about you being pissed with him "blowing over"?

thinNigella · 25/08/2011 16:03

Oh that's so sad. Sorry for you. I wish I was in your position, I'd love to have 4 Envy
People are right to tell you to keep talking, eventually he'll come round. How could he want to chuck away someone so precious? When he sees the new one he'll love it just as much as the others. Hang in there

SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/08/2011 16:30

TheOriginal - that's my interpretation too, and I think most people's.

But it's still an unbelievably shit thing to say.

And it does raise the question of what he thinks "blowing over" might consist of - he left willingly, he hasn't apologised for his awful behaviour or made any effort to fix this.

If he wanted it to have "blown over", he has it in his power to (attempt) making that happen.

He caused all of this upset. It can't blow over until he does something to make that happen, yet he doesn't.

Which leads to the conclusion that he doesn't want to.

The way he is going, it won't blow over. It will peter out, and the family will remain asunder entirely because of his actions.

Bree - having your PIL over is a good idea. Being able to talk this through with other people who love him should provide some comfort and maybe insight.

TheCrackFox · 25/08/2011 16:46

You know, you are really quite amazing Bree.

Trying to be nice here but have you thought that he might be in the midst of some sort of mental breakdown. His behaviour sounds completely abnormal (from reading your posts) for him.

lachesis · 25/08/2011 17:02

If he were my son I'd street him for doing this, too.

youarekidding · 25/08/2011 17:08

bree As I said further back I think what he's asked you to do is terrible (and I'm pro choice). It seems to me though he has been honest with you about his feelings, feelings perhaps he always had and couldn't/ didn't feel able to voice.
I agree with you continuing this pregnancy but think you need to communicate with him now, whilst he's being honest about why he feels the way he does. I'm not talking about holidays, business etc as I think these are smoke screens but maybe about the previous 2 prem births. How was your health during these? Is he worried about you? Is he worried about the business now theres talk or further economic crisis? Maybe he needs reasuurance, as you do, that you will get through this together. ATM he is getting shunned by all who love him and he loves/ relies on - this will ultimatly create a situation where he shuts down and refuses to be honest anymore as he feels isolated.

I see his 'blows over' comment as him accepting you are not terminating and him seeing you as together again but that whilst you are still (understandably) angry it's not going to happen.

Best of luck for the future, you sound very strong. I hope this preganancy is term too and you don't suffer anymore heartache.

JanMorrow · 25/08/2011 17:12

Aw this makes me so sad, I'm 10weeks ahead of you and I couldn't imagine being told this at any point by my fiance.

Has he been to the GP Bree? Maybe suggest that to him next time you speak.

Loonytoonie · 25/08/2011 17:32

Bree, the more I read, the more baffled I become. His behaviour is bizarre and it's really hard to advise you. I must admit, I'd be very sorely tempted to turn up at the hotel without phoning first (although I'm not certain how check in desks work but am certain they'd ring up a room and NOT give out a room number) but I hate to suggest that there is someone else on his radar, although it's definitely what my radar is whispering to me.

Someone else has suggested some sort of breakdown.....hmmm. How are the finances of the business? What's the atmosphere like in the place of work? Any foreman/woman/manager that you can get the low-down from? His friends? I know I'm not being much help here, but I'm now grasping at straws to suggest any possible solutions.

As for your DC, I'd most certainly suggest that it's a work-thing since they're more likely to accept it without further questioning and it keeps their world safe for now. I also wouldn't try to arrange any visits on your H's behalf - the onus to be a good Dad is on him, and him alone.

Keep posting Bree. It's important that you get a chance to say exactly what you feel in a safe place.

HerHissyness · 25/08/2011 17:34

God you are amazing Bree, really you are. How you manage to stay strong, talk about Mumma Bear!

FWIW, whatever has caused this abominable behaviour, is really by the by, it doesn't matter, a breakdown doesn't make what he's doing, saying and demanding any less heinous. What IS important to focus on is the effects his behaviour has, and minimise them.

Bree, fuerza my love, be strong and follow your instincts, trust your gut and let's hope there is clarity in everything soon.

We are all here for you, and all support you, you are inspiring!

kelly2000 · 25/08/2011 17:56

Both the "have you calmed down" text, and "until this blows over" comment are bizarre. Does he not realise the magnitude of the hurt he has caused. Does he somehow think that by asking for an abortion,knowing you would not agree would mean you somehow "owed him one" and he could use it against you? I just do not get his behaviour at all. maybe it is a weird cry for help!

mathanxiety · 25/08/2011 17:56

FFS, they got through the previous pregnancies and premature births together didn't they?

The one thing that guarantees they will not get through this together is his own brutal, cruel words. This man needs reassurance like he needs a hole in the head. While he is refusing to grovel on his knees to Bree this horrible situation will continue; it is not a matter of Bree being unseemingly angry, or understandably angry, or whatever anyone thinks about the anger, and once she cools down everything being back to normal and nicey nicey. It is not up to Bree to get over herself or stop being angry or in any way pour oil on the troubled waters.

The next move is his, and it does not involve another pathetic bunch of flowers or attempt to diminish or dismiss what he has done.

CheerfulYank · 25/08/2011 18:05

Oh Bree. :(

I can't believe him.

I'm so sorry, but glad your PIL are with you in this. It must be agonizing for them too, I would be horrified if my DS ever behaved like this.

He does realize that you are going to keep the baby, doesn't he?

Dozer · 25/08/2011 18:10

Is very, very bad that he hasn't asked to see the dcs, especially when you're pregnant and will find it tiring to look after them while dealing with all this.

PIL sound nice!

The girls at work sound a total PITA to be honest, and the fact that he's allowed the situation to arise where he's adored and you're seen in a negative light reflects badly on him. Think checking the rotas is a good idea Sad.

AnyFucker · 25/08/2011 18:14

The more I hear about this man, the more I doubt the "usually a wonderful man, wonderful father" scenario

Some of the "pre breakdown, whatever the fuck it is" behaviour sounds rather suspicious of coming from a twat of the first order

...and the more I.Hate.Him

mathanxiety · 25/08/2011 18:25

Your details about how he is seen at work vs. how you are seen there is a crack in his armour, a hint that he is not the perfect husband and father. He works among women exclusively and he is 'the popular one' -- he is not even a good business/managerial partner to you if he has encouraged this attitude to you or to him. Playing good cop-bad cop is fine if both managers/partners have decided this will be their method of getting maximum productivity out of the employees, but if this is something he has encouraged in order to fill some ego need of his (to be adored, admired or even liked by the employees) then it is not good.

A man who works exclusively among women might get very used to the idea that he will be the centre of attention, especially when he is the boss, and might find the contrast with home, where the woman has other demands on her attention and affection, and where he is probably not king of the heap or The Boss, hard to take.

AnyFucker · 25/08/2011 18:27

to be adored by predominently young, female employees no less, at the expense of OP Hmm

AlpiniAddict · 25/08/2011 18:28

'Have you calmed down yet?' My answer to that would be "Actually mate,I haven't" swiftly followed by a hard knee to the groin!

Seriously,what a knob he's being. If anyone asked me to abort a baby I would show them the door and slam it in their heads behind them. You're being really strong and brave and are doing exactly the right thing,especially changing the locks. I'm glad for you that the house is yours,so you and your DC have got that security. Glad you've got the support from your parents and PIL too,and can completely understand your dad wanting to wipe the floor with him. Good luck for the future and enjoy your DC :) xx

FigsAndWine · 25/08/2011 18:36

What a terrible situation for you OP.

I have been present at the birth of twins who were two days off 18 weeks (so 17+5). One twin had died in utero and the mother had to be induced because she had developed an infection. The mother went through labour, and whilst one twin had died, the other was born alive and showed signs of life for at least half an hour afterwards. Sad They were perfectly formed tiny babies, just with eyelids still fused and their skin very translucent.

OP have you discussed with him the implications of his request? That you would have to go through labour? And see your perfectly formed baby? What does he say to that? Does he say that he could bear to look at his baby, or hold his baby, dead in his hands, knowing that he had asked for it to be killed? If not, how could he ask you to do this? If you haven't asked him these questions, do you think you could do so?

I'm glad you are getting support from his parents as well as your own. I second telling the children that he's away on business; there's no point upsetting them until you have a much clearer idea about what's going on and what will happen next. Keep talking to him OP, even though your hurt and fury must feel overwhelming at times. If this is the first time he's ever displayed behaviour like this, then there must be a reason.