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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 25/08/2011 12:59

Why did he leave so willingly though? Very, very suspicious.

Look I may be way off the mark but I'm going to put out what I think is going on here.

Is there a possibility this could be his "get out clause"? My first thought is that he is involved with someone else who is putting pressure on him to leave. A new baby wouldn't fit with HIS plans to leave you OP, esp if he has promised to be with someone else. So he has waited until it's too late (in many, many people's view) to terminate which gives him the perfect exit. Then he says he met someone else who offered him comfort during your separation...the rest is history...

It would take an exceptionally cruel and cold hearted calculated man to see this through. Would he be capable of this? Who knows?

Thumbwitch · 25/08/2011 12:59

you all right there apocalypse?

lachesis · 25/08/2011 13:03

I wonder where he is staying . . .

SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/08/2011 13:06

I agree entirely with Apocalypse.

clam · 25/08/2011 13:11

See, it's bad enough walking out on your wife and three children for another woman, but maybe a step too far to do so when she's either pregnant or has a newborn. So his handy solution to the problem is to persuade her to terminate. Yay! Sorted!

BaronessOrczy · 25/08/2011 13:25

Bree, I think you are handling this dreadful situation with such grace and dignity. I am truly appalled by what your DH is suggesting, and in awe of the way you are responding.

One question though - your elder DC are aware that you are pregnant, I assume? How on earth would he even begin to explain to them what had happened? I hope that doesn't upset you, but what sort of a man would do that to his own (very much alive) children? I think something must have happened - or, sadly, that Clam et al are correct.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Stay strong.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 25/08/2011 13:28

It's the boy again, bloody ipad. I must remember to close all windows Blush

The mans a twat btw, I admire your strength Bree.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/08/2011 13:46

I think your boy accurately summed up the feelings of many of us on this thread :)

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 25/08/2011 14:13

Yes my DC know about the baby, everyone is very excited. Bless them. To be honest I don't think he would have cared how it was explained to them. He would have asked me to do it anyway I imagine.

He says that he is staying in a hotel not too far from us as his mother still won't have him.

I do find myself wishing and hoping that there is someone else. It would explain it and it's something that I could move on from without such a heavy heart. Right now he's just a cold, selfish pig and I can't forgive him.

OP posts:
deemented · 25/08/2011 14:17

I know he's said he's at a hotel... but is he really? Could you ring up said hotel and ask to be put through to his room?

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. You deserve so much better than the shite this utter fuckmuppet is giving you right now x

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 25/08/2011 14:23

deemented that's a very sensible suggestion. I will do that this evening.

It just occurred to me that he's not even asked if he can see the DC. I am of the belief that there's something/one else going on. Just wish that I knew.

OP posts:
deemented · 25/08/2011 14:25

It does sound highly suspicious, doesn't it? Oh i'm so Sad for you Bree.

Have you had any more contact with his parents at all? I think, if i were in your position, i'd be doing a good bit of digging, trying to find out if his parents or friends knew more then they are letting on.

kelly2000 · 25/08/2011 14:26

Bree,
I am so so sorry for your situation, when i first read your post I tried to give your DH the benefit of the doubt by thinking he was maybe worried about something happening to you during childbirth. Although waiting until you are 18 weeks is not osmehting I can understand if he was previously happy about it. But I cannot for the life of me understand why he would walk out on you and his own children because of this, he should be supporting you. I am fully pro-choice, but that means exactly that it has to be your choice. You will have to live with it for the rest of your life, and if you did not want an abortion you would have resented him for the rest of your life too. It sounds like he wanted an excuse to leave and wnated to be able to blame you and paint himself as a victim, in his own eyes at least. If he behaves like this, I honestly think you are better off without him.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/08/2011 14:34

Bree - I was wondering whether he had shown any interest in seeing his children. Very sad that he had not :(

What is he saying now?

He's staying in a hotel, he's not welcome in the marital home, he's not welcome at his parents' home.

His whole life is in crisis, and a very sudden one.

How is he reacting to that? Is he shocked?

wahwahwah · 25/08/2011 14:35

Maybe its some hideous mid-life crisis? Part of him must realise that he is being completely git-ly.

wahwahwah · 25/08/2011 14:36

Do you know his friends of wives of friends well? Might they be able to throw some light on the subject? If you are running your own businesses, is he pulling his weight now or wallowing in whatever personal hell he has created for himself?

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 25/08/2011 14:46

I believe that PIL are truly in the dark. His communication with them, from what I've seen, is poor.

With regards to the businesses, he appears to have been skulking off a bit early and leaving the girls to it. Which makes me wonder if it's anyone who works for us. We employ mainly women ( much to my disappointment!) and most are quite young. That said, I'm not exactly over the hill myself. Well, not quite! I intend to go through the rotas and see if there is any pattern if when he skulks off and who isn't working/finishing at a similar time. If there is I'll wipe the floor with him.

DCs are due home at 3.30 and I'm so excited to see them. Need all my babies under the same roof with me.

Should I contact him to try and arrange him seeing the children and explain to them that he's upset mummy so we need a time out(?!) or just leave it and say that he's on business?

OP posts:
BaronessOrczy · 25/08/2011 14:48

Oh Bree. I'm lost for words.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/08/2011 14:51

I think it's up to him to initiate contact with his own children.

wahwahwah · 25/08/2011 14:52

I would try to keep the kids in the dark as much as possible (sounds terrible I know but do you really want to be dealing with upset kiddies as well?). Do you have any 'spies' in the office - anyone you are close to who would be 'on your sied' and tell you if there was any gossip?

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 25/08/2011 14:56

The girls think the sun shines out if him. I'm just seen as the bossy cow who expects things to get done! I'm going to have to be more of a presence to try and put the wind up her (if there is a her) and to keep as more watchful eye on things.

Upsetting the children is the last thing I want to do so a business trip it is. And as and when he does want to see them we will cross that bridge then I guess.

He's such a stupid fool Angry

OP posts:
deemented · 25/08/2011 15:04

Oh Bree.

The more i think of it, the more i'd be tempted to actually go to his hotel tonight, instead of ringing him - if thats possible for you. As far as he's concerned you'd be stuck at home looking after the children, i doubt very much he's be expecting you to turn up at his hotel room door.

MoominsAreScary · 25/08/2011 15:15

The more I hear about him the bloody worse he sounds, he's not even thinking how it would effect the other children, mine were heartbroken when I mc. They both cried ( they were 14 and 6)

bree I'm so sorry, I don't know how I'd feel if dp said the same to me, I'm 15 weeks and last two babies were prem. I'd be so bloody hurt and angry, does he think by staying away maybe you will miss him and do as he wants do you think?

mathanxiety · 25/08/2011 15:17

Wipe the floor with him anyway. I don't think one betrayal is worse than another.

Don't try to arrange a meeting with the DCs. Wait for him to show his colours on this one. It is up to him to make this overture if he wants to see them.

Yes, that would be sad for the children and they will have questions about where daddy is, when daddy will be back, when will he phone. But I suspect he is not interested in seeing them and has never been truly invested in a relationship with them because they distract your attention from him. OTOH, he may think you will be overwhelmed by caring for them all while pregnant and will therefore beg him to come back, which he may deign to do, under his conditions of course.

Wrt what to tell the children, 'away for work' is basically a lie based on an assumption that there will be a reunion and all will come right in the end and fairly soon too. It is an explanation that may have to be amended therefore. It is tempting to try not to reveal to them what exactly is happening because of its awfulness, but I would give a diluted version of the truth here in preference to the lie. I would say something along the lines of you and daddy are unable to live together right now and therefore daddy is living apart from the family while you both take a break. This site might be helpful. Don't rush into anything and think through to the potential consequences. Children may not appreciate being misled even if the truth is upsetting.

mathanxiety · 25/08/2011 15:19

All of mine cried and had lots of questions when they heard of my MCs. This is something that upsets children. I have never yet met a child who didn't have a massive fondness for babies.

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