Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/08/2011 01:36

Not only does he not seem to understand how awful his 'request' is, I don't think he understands that you won't do it. Flowers and 'I'm sorry but that's my decision' and 'have you calmed down now' all point to a man who assumes that any day now you'll see his point, decide to stay with him, and terminate the pregnancy.

Bree, how has the marriage been previously? It sounds like he's very used to calling the shots? Is that accurate?

Mitmoo · 25/08/2011 08:15

Bree you're doing all of the right things and are acting in a very dignified way. He is in some kind of denial with the "calm down" rubbish. Good for you changing the locks, if the house is in joint names it's illegal and he can go to court to get a copy of the key but it didn't stop me from changing the locks either many years ago.

I don't think it will come to that but if it does you just apply for an Occupation Order so you and the children stay in the property legally and he has to be kept out until you get things sorted permanently.

I think lock changing is sending exactly the right message too, that you being forced to chose between your unborn baby and him, is a no brainer for you, it's the unborn baby every time.

halohasslipped · 25/08/2011 09:36

I think Fabbychic has a point. It sounds to me as if he is deliberately not relating to this child and that could be a sense of self preservation. Not that that helps the OP.

TimeForMeIsFree · 25/08/2011 10:30

He isn't relating to his wife either. He is thinking only of himself.

clam · 25/08/2011 10:35

Didn't she say that the house was in her sole name?

GreatNorksOfFire · 25/08/2011 10:59

Yes, Tortoise, I thought exactly that too, but was too tired to continue typing last night. This man definitely thinks that he has made a decision and that the abortion is therefore going to happen. He doesn't seem to get that this is not a decision he can dictate.

Loonytoonie · 25/08/2011 11:06

OP, I don't want to get on the same cart as the others and say 'leave him' because I don't think you can possibly throw away your marriage on what's happening now. That said, this isn't a 'get out' clause for you H because he is acting selfishly and being very, very hurtful. F

rom my experience, giving a man an extremely wide berth and leaving him to stew in his own consciousness always helps. I don't know what the time scale on this whole issue is, but if I were you, I'd carry on as you are, that is - solo parentis - and take this time to gather your strength (although it sounds to me like you are made of pure heart and iron - your DC are lucky to have you) . That way, your H can have the time to try and figure out how he has hurt and failed you so badly. Somewhere, somewhere inside that screwed up thinking of his, is the man that you love and married.

It is still completely plausible that he's thinking in pure biological terms and before everyone else gets indignant and defensive about this, it IS possible. We don't know this man at all, how he thinks and how he works - it IS possible that he has not bonded, of course it is. The OP's closed-case reaction to this (i.e. there is NO question of a termination and that's the end of it) is perhaps only making him dig his heels in further. If I were you OP, I'd write it down and post it in an email or a letter. Terminating HIS child, HIS flesh and blood, terminating a now living and moving baby will be like killing a part of you both. And most certainly killing a part of your marriage that will be undoubtedly, beyond repair.

I know a lot of you will disagree with this - acting like this will be a deal breaker for lots of MN'ers, but OP loves this man and I can't see how you can right off a marriage so quickly without digging a bit deeper and trying to find a reason for his thinking. If I've not helped at all with this post OP, please ignore it, but either way please know that you were one of my first thoughts as I woke this morning. I really, really hope that everything works out for you.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 25/08/2011 11:07

Yes, the house is in my sole name, I have no problems there. Just my pig of a H! Still no sensible words from him so I'm still having nothing to do with him.

Awful night last night, let myself get overtired and everything seemed awful. Feeling a little more positive today so am taking myself out for some retail therapy before the DCs come back later. Can't wait to see them, although I'm not sure how to explain the absence of Daddy? Sad

OP posts:
Loonytoonie · 25/08/2011 11:09

How old are your other DC Bree?

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 25/08/2011 11:14

DD is 6, DS1 is 4 and DS2 is 9 months.

Your suggestion about writing the realities of it down seem sensible, I'll do that this evening. I don't want our marriage to be over, he means the world to me, but I am so repulsed by him that I know it'll take an awful lot of work and forgiveness for us to move forward. I'm not sure I've got that in me.

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/08/2011 11:16

If he was thinking in purely biological terms, he would not be requesting his wife go through a late-term abortion where she would have to deliver a foetus she has been carrying for months just because he's "changed his mind".

You can't dress this up as men being more logical and rational. His position is illogical and irrational as well as being unjustifiable and cruel.

honeyandsalt · 25/08/2011 11:27

Hey now there are actually very few posters who have intimated they think Bree should leave him for good loony and I object to you saying there is a great bandwagon of support for this course of action. What people are saying is that they completely support her course of action in kicking him out of the house taking a break at this stage.

Why he is doing this is anyone's guess (literally) but to be honest it's not for us to decide the long-term future of Bree's marriage, it's for her and her H.

Bree I don't know what to suggest about telling your kids. As you're not sure about the future, in the short term, if your H will support, it you could tell them he's away for work? Just a suggestion as they're so little.

Sn0wflake · 25/08/2011 11:28

It just doesn't make any sense. I'm so puzzled on your behalf.

That he could be a perfect husband to being a nightmare husband. What an earth has happened?

I may be wrong but maybe he needs a bit of an emotional kick up the bum. Maybe he needs to feel the full force of your anger, hurt and disgust. I really do feel like shouting at him myself to be honest. I hope you have told him that he is risking losing you and your family and he is being a disgusting human being.

As for not bonding with the child....why is that relevant? I wouldn't suggest a late termination to a stranger without some really fucking good reason and he has said this to his wife. It's totally abhorrent.

wahwahwah · 25/08/2011 11:32

I have just read this thread with utter amazement.

Bree - you are increadibly brave and my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine being in such an awful predicament.

Have you considered going to marriage counselling? If this was me, I would hate hate hate him for puting me (and the rest of the family) through this, and I know that I would resent him. How will you feel when he holds the baby, tells him/her that he/she is beautiful, or 'his' baby.

For him to give no concrete reason is unforgivable. I can't think of one good reason to ask you to do such a thing and not give a reason (possible if he was terminally ill, but then, not not even that).

This time next year you will be in a completely different situation - think about what you want your future to be. If he is to be in the picture, you will both need to do some serious bridge-building.

Look after yourself, the baby and your children, in orecisely that order. the rest can all go to hell. Tell them that Daddy is away on a business trip for a while and you aren't sure when he will get back. Let him know that this is what you have told them (so he can't be arsey about it).

I am sending you and all the children all my Best Wishes and E-Hugs. He gets my Evil Eye.

Loonytoonie · 25/08/2011 11:34

But,SheCutOffTheirTails I'm not suggesting that men are logical and rational at all, far from it. What I AM saying is that he clearly has a plan for how the next 12 months should be, and anything that deviates from that plan is written off. The hurt and emotional turmoil of poorly prem babies is too much for him to bear now, as is seeing the hurt and emotional turmoil endured by his wife. Erasing that possibility seems perfectly logical to him especially since he's happy enough to have that perfect baby next year. He thinks he's being rational because he hasn't stopped for one moment to consider what a termination would mean (and let's face it, he isn't alone - the word termination and abortion is simply that: a word. Delve a bit deeper and you see exactly what that word means).

He needs a giant kick up the rear in all honesty, someone to tell him exactly what the implications of his 'plans' are. What would happen to this developed baby, what OP has to endure in order to terminate (sorry if this post is too much for some of you Sad), the emotional catastrophe of watching all this happen. Perhaps he needs reminding that this act will be more painful than watching a prem baby struggle.....

sigh I wish I had a magic wand OP, or failing that, I wish your H had someone other than you in his life, to slap his face and give him the shaking of his life. I wonder if he realises that he's on the verge of losing everything.....Sad

Loonytoonie · 25/08/2011 11:38

honeyandsalt, my apologies, I've had scant time to read everything because I'm only dipping into this thread, and I seem to have picked up a wrong trail here. I normally wouldn't contribute without being more thorough, but OP's plight has moved me, and I wanted to lend my support. Apologies again Smile

clam · 25/08/2011 11:41

By the sounds of his recent behaviour, he's probably sitting in the pub with a like-minded mate, shaking his head and saying "pah, wimmin eh? Them and their hormones," having totally missed the point.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/08/2011 11:43

Loony - the OP has outlined all of that for him, and his respond was to say that he made "his decision".

wahwahwah · 25/08/2011 11:51

'His decision' would be whether he wears the blue shirt or the red jumper. Not whether he and his wife carry on with a (well advanced) pregnancy. He needs a kick up the arse.

clam · 25/08/2011 12:32

I think he must surely have meant he wasn't going to change his opinion, not decision. Still a twat though.

Sn0wflake · 25/08/2011 12:36

More than a twat....

Sn0wflake · 25/08/2011 12:37

Sorry unhelpful...just angry.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/08/2011 12:43

I think it's interesting that he used the word "decision" actually.

He does seem to have made some kind of definite decision before raising this. Not that he thinks he gets to decide that his wife has an abortion, but more that this was something he was prepared to go out to bat for.

The question remains - why?

His actions so far have been very deliberate. He did the little attempt at crying that so many women are fooled by (OMG a man is crying) but Bree to her eternal credit didn't fall for it.

But he didn't put up much of a fight before leaving the family home. Where is he staying?

It seems to me that his decision to make this unreasonable demand, and see it right through to the end, was made before this was raised.

Someone earlier suggested that perhaps he wanted the reaction he has received - kicked out by his "hysterical" wife, and now free, to do what?

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 25/08/2011 12:44

Fftydghkhvycxrtssikjnnlkugrxrsxhuuhbgctddhnn. D;£!drkcsDe%#,

pranma · 25/08/2011 12:56

I showed this to my dh as I was so appalled that a supposedly loving husband could say such a thing.My dh was shocked and said that this man was suggesting that his wife agree to kill their child because he found it inconvenient to have no4.He [and I] see the point about his anxieties relating to the earlier pregnancies but 18 weeks is no time to be expressing such things.'Have you calmed down yet?'is a childish,defensive comment.
The sad thing is that OP's love for her husband is still there-he has ,up till now,been a good husband and father.Surely the important thing is to try to get past the current situation but only he can do that.He is at fault and needs to see that and,frankly,grovel before she gives him back a key!
It is a nightmareish situation and he has destroyed a lot of trust.Thank goodness OP has the support of his and her parents.I do hope all will be well.What a splendid,strong ,loving mother Bree is-her dc are all4 lucky to have her.
Imagine if the split is permanent trying to explain to dc4-'Daddy left because I wouldnt agree to kill you before you were born!!!!'
I do hope they can find a way through and save the marriage.

Swipe left for the next trending thread