To be angry at his abortion request?

[Breevandercamp1750]

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

But, he is suggesting aborting his 18 week baby and trying for another baby next year. If there was a deep rooted reason, related to the past pregnancies, would he be happily suggesting trying again? And why is he only speaking out now, at 18 weeks, why didn't any deep rooted reasons come to the surface much earlier? That's what I don't get.

Flowers and have you calmed down yet? He seems to have either utterly failed to grasp what he has done or to be totally lacking in concern.

I'm a bit upset that someone thinks I'm being extreme, I was hoping that I had acted with some dignity.

My DCs and this baby are the most important things to me and if he wants to behave badly, giving no decent explanation, then he will continue to be treated in this way.

DCs are still with my parents which is giving me some time and space to think in what I hope is a rational and reasonable manner. I'm still not sure if I could forgive him if he 'changes his mind' again and does want the baby. I feel that I can no longer trust what comes out of his mouth.

I've given him every opportunity to be honest and up front about why he's changed his mind at this late stage but I might as well have been talking to a brick wall.

Bree, pay no mind to Fabbychic, she be a leetle bit strange

I think she was talking about some of the other posters on this thread, however, not you

I am sorry your husband is failing you so very badly x

You're not being extreme. You're acting with integrity and sense.

I just caught up with this after not reading for a while and I'm so, so sorry it's gotten worse for you rather than better.

I don't agree with Fabby, I don't think you are being extreme, i think you are being brave and I admore you immensely.

I ahve no idea what is going on his head or his life but I do know that I find it very unlikely he would just change his mind. this is not a first pregnancy panic about being a dad and commitment. This man ahs children he loves, wanted r wants more- it is beyong odd.

Bree love you are fabulously strong. You'll get your answers sooner or later I am sure.

I just don't know what to say I am so gob smacked that he can be acting in this way.

What was he like as a person before this happened? Anything at all like this before? Good father?

Have you calmed down yet???

It's as if he thinks/expects that given time you will agree to the abortion after all. I get the impression he doesn't fully comprehend that it's you in control here, and there will be no medical procedures going on without your say so.

You have acted with dignity. You've been bloody marvellous.

I hope you find out what's going on with him because he doesn't sound at all rational.

Bree Nothing useful to add other than my utmost support. I am open-mouthed at the behaviour of your husband. You haven't acted in the extreme at all and I fail to see how anyone can say that you have.

Bree I can't add anything to what other posters have said wrt your DH. However, I would like to say that I'm in complete admiration at the brave and dignified way you have handled this. You're a strong woman and agree with others in saying you haven't been extreme.

I don't think you are being extreme either. I would agree that you are being dignified and strong, amazingly so. I think this baby is very lucky to have you as his/her mummy.

Anyway, what's the alternative? Give in to the bully that is your H and watch your marriage crumble anyway as a result, losing both your baby and your H. I think you are doing exactly the right thing!

He wants to go on holiday, so he reckons that asking you to undergo a major medical procedure and extreme emotional trauma killing a baby who is part of you both and who you are already attached to, is a reasonable expectation?

bree under these circumstances I would be happy to have acted with half your strength, grace, and dignity. Your response to your husband's extremely cold, odd, unreasonable behaviour has been entirely porportionate and appropriate; don't let some loon on the internet anyone persuade you otherwise, rather listen to everyone else, we who are completely behind you.

So kner.

Oh, you aren't being extreme.

That's the very last thing I'd describe you as.

Dignified, strong, amazing under the circumstances, those things - yes.

You all give me so much strength, thank you

honey you're 'so kner' comment actually made me chuckle. Had almost forgotten how good it felt

Before this he seemed like a truly wonderful man. Kind, gentle, loving, supportive. Before this I would have found it difficult to find fault to be honest.

Thank you all once again.

On the issue of his (mad) suggestion to try again in a year, people sometimes say ( stupid, ill-informed, insensitive) things like "it's too soon to have another", "your body isn't ready", " a small age gap increases the risks" etc.

I had a number of these kind of comments from friends and family, even a GP, when pregnant after m/cs, as did my SIL when she became pregnant after her first baby was born, 11 weeks premature.

Could your DH have stuff like this in his head?

Clutching at straws, as still don't want to believe the worst.

Bree Just to let you know I am thinking of you and cannot get your baby off my mind. I don't know how you can do this, but do what ever you can to make yourself comfortable, destressed and look after yourself (chocolate and feet up as much as possible). The stress must be terrible and do what you can to keep calm for your baby. You are doing marvelously. This baby is going to have a wonderful mummy .

Another one here in awe of your quiet dignity and strength.

I can't even begin to imagine how confused and traumatised I would be if my formerly loving husband behaved like this.

Your clarity of purpose is amazing.

We'll give you whatever support we can from here.

Hope you are OK :)

Your baby is very lucky to have you. Stay strong and good luck darling.

What SheCutOffTheirTales said.

I am behind you, Bree, 100%.

@Bree

Completely agree with Scarlett when she said your baby is lucky to have you.

You are an awe-inspiring woman Bree. I don't think I could act with a fraction of your dignity if I was in your horrendous situation.

He really doesn't get it does he? He really doesn't get what he has asked you to do. 18 weeks - such a lovely time of pregnancy, feeling the first flutters of your baby. It beggars belief that he can be so cold about asking you to terminate this mutually agreed and wanted pregnancy.

You are being so brave and strong. A true lioness.