To be angry at his abortion request?

[Breevandercamp1750]

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

When you do a cunt thing like he has, you can and should expect a cunt response across the board.

so sorry you are going through this Bree. It is an absolutely horrible situation for you. It sounds like you have done the right thing in getting some space for yourself and taking back control. Thinking of you and hoping your DH comes to his senses.

My heart goes out to you and hope this turns out to be a seriously mis-judged case of jitters from your dh. If he is that terrified, perhaps he should get a vasectomy (having discussed it with you)?

Wanted to see if and how things were working out, feel awful about commenting, but glad if anything I wrote has helped.

I really think your CH needs someone who will let him go through all his mulled over shitty arguments again, and then say 'fuck that, what you did was wrong'. Not say he's wrong to feel what he did, not necessarily even wrong about his conclusion, but wrong to speak and not think about you at all. I had sort of hoped his parents might be that. Don't know if anyone else will, suspect most people will be too busy stopping themselves lamping him to care. Not your job to find that person, but his parents not being there makes me more scared for your marriage.

But please, since you came to this thread wanting to have a family of six, think about what he said not the interpretations here. I always feel horribly like I'm supporting him here. I'm not. But it isn't too much, surely, to take this at face value-a man has reached a stupid selfish decision, and spoke when he shouldn't have. Nothing suggested he wanted to leave you, nothing suggested he didn't love you, or hidden money worries. There are so many other ways he could have done this if he wanted out or was going bust. Is it too much simply to take what he said at face value-he has decided he doesn't want this baby now. He's still a git, but I don't think broaching speculations about having an affair or going bankrupt are really going to help you now-unless you have somethign other than this thread to go on please don't do that.

You must be terrified as to what he's really like. You may end up concluding that if his love isn't strong enough to stop him doing this it isn't worth having. But that's a choice for you to make when and if he has had some chance to decide whether to act like a decent human being, say sorry and give you some sense of whether he will ever do anything this crap again. I really don't think this thread is helping you now.

But you are amazing to have coped so far.

It's up Bree whether she thinks this thread is helping her, not you.

Your concern seems to be more for her marriage than for her.

I agree with Sugar - taking this at "face value" makes no sense. You have to start making stuff up to make sense of this. It's as reasonable to invent an affair as a breakdown.

Wanting your wife to have a late term abortion because you want to go on holidays does not deserve to be taken at face value. Something is making him make this cruel, unreasonable, sociopathic request.

Bree I'm so sorry, you are handling it so well. The fact that when you had the chat your DP replayed the same line is horrendous. I posted earlier about how I had known some men be very unsure about pregnancies once it had sunk in and my advice to them had always been to play nice or keep their mouths shut. At no point did any of them get close to saying they would want their DPs to have an abortion. Your DP has done the opposite and coldly replayed it in what should have been an opportunity to open up and support you. He says sorry but doesn't really seem to think he is doing anything wrong in this demand, despite being in no doubt about the enormity of it and what it would put you through.

I think you have done the right thing in asking him to remove himself. You need to look after yourself right now and your DCs. This is all about him in some selfish mindfuck way and you are so right when you say he needs to sort himself out.

Am a bit that anyone thinks Bree has asked her PILs to not support their son in this situation - her PILs are quite capable of making their own minds up about how they want to deal with their son, surely! If they wish to support him, that's their choice - and ditto if they choose not to.

Something has happened to make this man turn from being the man that Bree recognises as her DH to being a man with a cold, brutal and nonsensical attitude to this 4th baby. It could be financial worries, it could be an affair, it could be mental illness - probably a few other things as well - because nothing about his request/demand makes any sane sense in light of his suggestion that they could try again next year.

So what is going on this year, that has only started in the very recent past, to make him behave like this? He appears to think that whatever it is will be "sorted" by next year - but Bree needs to know what "it" is.

I am still giving him the benefit of the doubt (although of course I dont know the full situation), as it is just so incomprehensible to be loving husband and father overjoyed at new baby on moment and then change to this behaviour. He is behaving descpicably. I cannot fathom that a person can just switch like that and be vile and callous, for no obvious reason. Could he have some health worries that he is hoping will be sorted next year?

I hope he can see sense, and communicate to you, Bree, what is going on. But until then, you are doing the right thing putting some space and distance between you.

It must be so hurtful that he is capable of such behaviour. Strength to you!

Bree - just a pragmatic note of caution, and I'm sorry, I'm sure you know this if you're a business owner, but. You two jointly own businesses? Are they limited liability? Or can your house be used as an asset against any liabilities?

We are limited liability but I intend to do some serious digging today. First on my list is a call to our accountant, then the emails.

I haven't asked PIL to cut him off, they have decided that they don't want him under their roof. I do agree that they need to be there for him to an extent.

Confused and weepy today, bloody hormones!

I'm sorry, that was all pragmatism and no sympathy. I do feel deeply sorry for you. I'm second trimester myself, and I just can't imagine. It's his latest conversation, about financial plans and not changing his mind and flowers, all of which sounds less like a panic of the sort NCM describes and more of a total detachment to the reality of this baby, that sounds so incredibly hard.

I hope it's a moment of madness and he wakes up properly soon, love.

I'm sorry to try and say what was helpful and what wasn't. I really don't think for a minute she should save her marriage at all costs, she must be all over the place trying to work out what love means to this guy and whether she ever wants him back. It's just that she said at points in the thread that she might want him around again, and other posters wrote bravely of how they had taken Hs back and why.

But I still think that her husband's awfulness need not be related to anything other than the pregnancy. I don't think suddenness means much. I was hit very suddenly by the enormity of my partner's pregnancy in that moment in bed-don't know why or how, wasn't stupid, hadn't not thought about or planned, just suddenly, wham, what I'd always known was all I could feel. And as for trying again, my partner insisted we try to conceive straight after her second miscarriage. I really didn't want to, but felt since it was her body and she ran all the same risks and more, it was her choice. And when she got pregnant straight away, I wanted to be delighted, but a bit of me just wished that it had taken longer, just so I could have time to get it together a bit. But I didn't say anything, and saw how great a baby would be. So somehow wanting a baby but not now, that makes sense too.

Now he reached a different point, a point where something has clearly gone fundamentally wrong, whether cos he's a git who's hidden it or was just overwhelmed, a point where all he can cuntishly see is a problem not a partner or a baby. I don't know why it might have worried him so much, but can see how, to someone so scared that all they could see was a monumental problem not a baby, to somehow who just somehow wished the problem would go away, that they might then start thinking of other advantages to that because even they knew that thought was so cold and selfish, and then wind themselves up and up until they actually decided they wanted it to go away, that makes some sort of sense. But you have to be pretty fucking warped to lose the baby and partner bit.

God, I know I sound like a total cunt for even going down those lines. All I'm saying is this need not be about business, affairs, mental breakdown, it may be about the baby, just as it started off being.

I hope Bree can find out, I hope she can then get support to make whatever decision she wants about this guy, but I don't think she should think of any other problem just from speculations on this thread.

Sorry, am not going to post again, fear I am not helping.

NCM - see all of that would make perfect sense if he had just said about getting rid of this baby. The seriously weird part of it is the "we'll try again next year" - which kind of invalidates the rest. Because if it's fear, it's not going to go away. If it's overwhelm, what is going to change in a year?

Don't go, NCM - I think you are providing one of many welcome and supportive voices. We are all speculating to a certain extent - it doesn't mean that any of us are 'deciding' what must be going on and passing judgements - or at least I hope not. I hope that more than anything, Bree is finding it helpful simply to have folk post here, just talking through what's happened, making her feel less alone with this absolute headfuck of a situation. If that kind of chit-chat STOPS being useful and starts to feel like a burden, I'm sure she would feel she can say that. This is overall a good supportive concerned thread from what I've seen.

Bree I think you are wise to check out your financial situation - all of this is so mad it simply makes sense to do a bit of digging to see if there IS anything untoward going on that you're not aware of. And it keeps you busy, too. I'm so glad your respective parents are being supportive - I'm sure that his WILL be there for him, essentially - but maybe just not in a blindly accepting way, and that's good.

Take care of yourself, we are all thinking of you xx

NCM - I don't think you should go either. It is unusual to have a male perspective and if it was my thread it would be more than welcome. I think you make some very good points.

I don't know what's going on in his head. I find myself agreeing with almost all of the posts and changing my mind with each one - which is most unlike me.

It's a headfuck for sure :(

Bree - I still can't believe he's done this - both you and his parents must be completely blindsided by it. You are being so strong and coping so well. I hope all of the business accounts are in order when you look at them today. If you have any savings etc maybe you should call the bank and see if you can lock them down to needing both signatures to remove any money. Maybe get some credit checks done and try to see if H has taken out any loans.

I wish there was something practical I could do to help. If you need any childcare PM me and let me know where you are - if I can help I will OK.

NCM don't go, my brain isn't really functioning at full strength right now so everyones opinion means so much to me. They are all so reassuring and supportive and yes I welcome the suggestions about why he's doing this. Without them I would be going crazy!

Thank you all again, I'll let you know if I find anything.

Thank you chip

I guess because sometimes, for lots of even less important things like work deadlines or life changes, people feel both that they want something and that they can't cope with what it takes to get it, and then that something becomes 'for next year' or 'for next week'. If it is that, though, it won't sodding work-whatever his fears are won't go away because he wants them too, or not be there in the future.

And Bree may not want him to be a father any more anyway.

I don't agree with you, NCM, but I don't think you should leave the thread either

NCM, I think you're being extremely rational and making very careful, reasoned posts to this thread. While I'm not saying that there might not be more behind Bree's husband's headfuck, it is leaping to conclusions rather. FWIW (which isn't much, but no less than anyone else on this thread aside from Bree) I think he's being a git because he's totally panicking and failing to deal with issues from their previous children. I'd hate to be proved otherwise -I really, really hope there aren't deeper and even more complicated reasons why he's being an arse.

Well the accountant has confirmed that the businesses are good, no changes to report. Don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing?! Makes H sound like a heartless pig.

Am kind of hoping that there is someone else as it would justify what he's saying.

Have been a bit of a cow today and emailed him horrid details of late term abortions because he text this morning to ask me if I'd 'calmed down yet?' He seems to think that this will blow over. More fool him. I have arranged a locksmith for this afternoon to have the lock changed on the main door, just to make it clear that it's MY house and I say who comes and goes.

Will get on to the bank now.

NCM 'But you have to be pretty fucking warped to lose the baby and partner bit.'
So true.

When you think of what women go through in pregnancy, from 'morning' sickness that can land you in the hospital, to the prospect of bedrest if there are complications, perhaps major abdominal surgery to deliver the baby, gestational diabetes sometimes, (and vaginal birth is no picnic), panic about how their lives will be forever changed, and all this sometimes at a very young age, it's a wonder any babies survive to the point of birth at all my point being that putting others first and doing things for the greater good or for a joint purpose with your spouse is what women are expected and conditioned to do. So I have no time at all for the poor diddums approach to this man-- .

This is why I think he is a very shallow person who is not capable of keeping the baby and partner bit front and centre. Only someone who had a mental and emotional habit of complete self absorbtion could say what he said and then repeat it coldly, and imagine that flowers and permission to have another go at a baby later would fob off someone he made all sorts of promises to and with whom he had a standing agreement wrt family size. Someone like that would be capable of all sorts of betrayals of a partner.

Oh now that question would make me see red.

It is contemptible patronising of the worst sort to ask you if you have calmed down yet.