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Original poster

To be angry at his abortion request?

792 replies

Breevandercamp1750 · 22/08/2011 18:02

I'll keep this brief but a few months ago we discovered that I was pregnant again. We already have 3 DCs, youngest is almost 9 months. He was over the moon about new arrival but in the last few days has changed his mind. I'm 18 weeks now and really don't want an abortion.

I don't understand his issue, we live in a large house with spare bedrooms and can easily afford it.

I just don't understand. I feel so empty.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 23/08/2011 14:39

Scared of losing you eh?

I think you can interpret this remark in light of the pregnancy and not necessarily 100% in the context of you asking him to leave to get his head and heart in order. This man is an overgrown toddler who is jealous of the baby. Insanely jealous.

And yes -- wrt trying to help him, you can take this horse to water but in the end he has to do the drinking. If he genuinely doesn't see why you are so utterly gobsmacked by what he has done, he will not see that he has a massive problem here wrt his attitude to you and to how your relationship works (that is to say, what you are and what he is; it is a fundamental issue revolving around his notion of what you were put on this earth for) and he will not understand the scope of the work he has to do. What he needs is a fundamental and carefully guided reassessment of his exact place and size in the Universe.

Save yourself, Bree, and let him deal with his own immaturity himself. He has a steep learning curve ahead of him. Line up your support system, your friends and family. Take care of yourself and let others take care of you too. You are incredibly brave and strong.

Mitmoo · 23/08/2011 15:16

I want nothing more to do with him Bree who could blame you?

CheerfulYank · 23/08/2011 15:37

Good for you! You're being so strong! I was thinking about this thread all night and was boiling furious. I can't believe he'd say these things to you!

ll31 · 23/08/2011 15:50

And if you expressed an opinion that he viewed with equal abhorrence would he be justified in throwing you out - I hope it works out for you and I hope you stay talking to your partner....

LineRunner · 23/08/2011 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoMoreWasabi · 23/08/2011 16:38

What a totally horrific situation for you - I think you're being incredibly brave here and applaud you.

Here's hoping this is a short term reaction to stress/previous prem experiences/lack of control/phase of the moon, he realises asap what a prick he is being and that when the baby finally arrives he's as besotted with your new baby as he is with the other children.

mathanxiety · 23/08/2011 16:38

II31 -- It's not just an opinion that Bree viewed with abhorrence, some theoretical pro-choice statement. It was a demand to abort their baby that he expected her to comply with.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 23/08/2011 16:49

ll31 I really hope that I'm wrong but it seems like you are saying I've done the wrong thing by wanting space from someone who has left me devastated? If it was the other way around I would imagine that he would want space from me too.

I'm in a fortunate position that our home is in my name with no mortgage, so thankfully that shouldn't be an issue. We do however own several businesses together so maybe there's a problem there that I'm not aware of. Confused

MIL has been on the phone today(asking after the DCs) but also said that D(B)H seems tired/stressed and to go easy on him!!!!!Angry

My parents have all 3 DC for the night so I've been pottering in the garden, trying to get my stress levels down. Sadly everything is so much calmer knowing that he won't be walking in through the door Sad

I'm going to keep talking with him and hope that he sees sense.

OP posts:
lachesis · 23/08/2011 17:07

'MIL has been on the phone today(asking after the DCs) but also said that D(B)H seems tired/stressed and to go easy on him!!!!!'

And you didn't tell her the truth? Because I would have. And if it were my son, I'd want to know.

Can't imagine saying something like to my DIL. Ever.

Of course, you'll have to keep talking to him, you have children together. But at least now he knows, you're not going to have an abortion just because he wants you to. If he tries to bring it up again, just keep repeating, 'That topic is no longer up for discussion.'

Requesting someone to have an abortion isn't an opinion, either.

mathanxiety · 23/08/2011 17:09

I would also have a chat with your MIL, Bree.

mathanxiety · 23/08/2011 17:09

Have you told your parents?

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 17:10

I would tell both sets of parents the pressure he is putting you under.

lachesis · 23/08/2011 17:12

Because he'll make up some other excuse to cover his selfish, cowardly arse. Best to come clean with the truth here.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 23/08/2011 17:30

I've told my parents. Both so supportive but my dad wants to wipe the floor with him.

I'm sure his parents will find out this evening. The DC are their life and they've been so excited about this baby. Hopefully she will give him a talking to like only a mother can Grin

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 23/08/2011 17:53

I hope she slaps him in the face helps him see the error of his ways.

ReshapeWhileDamp · 23/08/2011 18:00

Bree, so sorry you're going through this. I was on the less hawkish side (PTSS, etc) as I read the earlier part of the thread, but so many things he's said don't add up to that interpretation. Sad But who knows? None of us know him except for you, and you've asked him to leave for the moment, so that's the only thing that's relevant. I still do hope you can get him to confront why he's being such an arse though - you have several children together and from what you say, it seems so much out of the blue. Confused I hope he can see a GP, at the very least.

Will you tell your MIL why you've asked him to go and stay with her? Perhaps she could help/give him a bash, and then you won't have to put up with 'helpful' suggestions from her about how to treat her son. Hmm

ReshapeWhileDamp · 23/08/2011 18:03

Sorry, thread had moved on since I started typing that! Blush

Glitterknickaz · 23/08/2011 18:04

I can't see him telling them. Do you think he'd have the balls?

SouthernFriedTofu · 23/08/2011 18:14

I am really suprised by how many posters think it is OK for a man to "say his opinion" 18 weeks in to a pregnancy.

Surely if you are pro choice you think the OP should do what she wants to do. We know she wants to have the baby. Her dh knows she wants to have the baby. DH therfore can only convince her to try and do something against her will. So why should he have said his piece in the first place? Knowing it would cause her extreme anxiety at a time in her life where she really doesn't need it, especially when she has a history of dangerous pregnancies.

He was wrong. His time to say "I don't want another baby" was just before put his penis inside her vagina. Not 18 weeks after the fact. Too little too late

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 23/08/2011 18:25

This had crossed my mind, but until another poster mentioned it, I didnt want to ask, are you sure he isnt playing away? This does all sound a bit wierd! (not you btw, just his odd behaviour) Does he really mean "i dont want anthing else to tie me down?" incase he decides to leave?

lachesis · 23/08/2011 18:41

You need to tell his parents. Now. Before he gets their. This guy's a eunuch, he's not going to tell them. He's going to make up some story. If he were my son I'd slap his face before showing him the door and let him know he's no son of mine unless he sorts himself out and learns a bit of honour and respect.

And if it came to light he was playing away, which wouldn't surprise me, then he'd no longer be my son at all.

Original poster
Breevandercamp1750 · 23/08/2011 19:06

Just come off the phone to PIL and am so sad for them. They are both heartbroken that he could behave in this way and so furious. They have both said that he will not be welcome to stay there (as and when he shows his face).

I need to ask him about having someone else, is it ok to do it over the phone or should I do it face to face? It'll be easier to lie to me over the phone won't it?

OP posts:
lachesis · 23/08/2011 19:08

He'll lie anyway. I only thought it because I've seen it happen to more than a few female friends and family. Sweeping generalisation, but my mother, happily married for 47 years now, put it best, 'Men almost never leave without another iron in the fire.' She said that when my cousin's husband told her he 'didn't love her anymore' 2 years ago as the reason he was leaving, after 15 years of marriage and two sons together. Well, that was partly true. He forgot to mention he was shagging a work colleague Angry.

Bestb411pm · 23/08/2011 19:13

Honestly Bree, I think you should give him a heads up that you've sought support from yours and his parents, but don't cut off his support network. I really don't think that's going to be helpful in the long run. Whatever has happened it's between you two and I got the feeling you think he's got underlying issues, he needs to be in a place where he can talk to people.

I would also like to state my position that I don't get any vibes of this involving affairs so please don't start letting your thoughts run off in that direction unless he gives you reason to.

lachesis · 23/08/2011 19:15

'Bree, I think you should give him a heads up that you've sought support from yours and his parents, but don't cut off his support network. I really don't think that's going to be helpful in the long run. Whatever has happened it's between you two'

No, it effects the entire family, including the 3 children they have together. They also own businesses together.

His support network?

He can get another one, then, one for arses who think it's okay to pressure someone to see off a child they want.