He doesn't love me anymore.

[Jeanniewithblueeyes]

I would like some advice, please.

My lovely husband of 16 years has been unhappy and distant for at least 6 months. I've tried asking him what's up, scared to hear the answer, but he's just said, no, he's fine, and I didn't want to push it. We haven't had sex for 8 months.

The night before last I woke him up at 2 o'clock (there's never any time alone together with a 9 yo, 12 yo and 14 yo) and told him I knew something wasn't right with 'us.' He said that he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for about 2 years(!) and wasn't sure if the marriage could be saved.

He finds it hard to talk about his feelings but he's told me that we seem to do nothing but argue, that sometimes/often I pick faults in everything he does and he dreads coming home from work in case I'm in a bad mood, as nothing he does is right. He's tried to keep the peace by doing more and more of the cooking but the more he does, the more I seem to expect.

I have to say that everything he says is true and I am a difficult person to live with. I am a very argumentative person and I enjoy a 'good' argument. I had a very stormy relationship with my dad, that we both enjoyed. I'm the sort if person who likes a good shout but I don't hold grudges and it's all over and done with quickly. My DH is very quiet, hates arguments and feels very upset for days (months?) afterwards.

I'm not painting myself in a good light here but I'm trying to be honest. I thought he loved me and the boys so much that none of this would ever matter. I could just say sorry and I would mean sorry and we would be back on track. Til the next time.

He is saying that he's willing to give it another go, but that at the moment he doesn't love me. Can I change/stifle my fiery personality enough that this could work? Otherwise he wants to leave, get himself a house and have the kids with him every other week.

Before having kids I had a good, well paid career. I took a lot of time out of work as a SAHM and my DS2 has SN so I now work as a TA in a school so that my DS2 doesn't have to go to a CM or after school club, as finding one that would have the facilities to look after him would be difficult and he is much happier at home in his routine. Therefore I have very little chance of earning much money myself, or of getting back up to where I was before I left work to look after our children. I am terrified of being on my own and having the responsibility of my children on my own. My DH would be very fair with me, I'm sure, but if we had to fund 2 houses there wouldn't be very much left over.

And more to the point, I still love him. He's a really nice bloke and I haven't treated him as he deserves. If this was him writing you would be telling him to run a mile from this woman who just uses him and that he deserves to be happy.

We had an ordinary day yesterday, we took the kids out for a walk and tried to make it an enjoyable time. I am just about holding it together this morning in front of the kids as DH is back at work. We had another chat last night at about 11.00pm and he's still willing to try for the sake of the kids, but he can't see it being forever as he can't imagine ever loving me again.

What can I do? Is it too late?

You are sounding really strong EJ, you will have highs and lows, but it really is only time that will heal and get you through this shitty time.

Look after yourself EJ and tell your family they will be of great support to you. I really couldnt have got through this without the support of my sister, brother and friends who have pulled me though my breakup, again OW involved, kicking and screaming, his affair really blew my world apart. There were times I didnt think I would make it, but I am here a year on and definately moving in the right direction, and its been support and time that have got me this far.

Take care and tell the children the truth, dont let me lie his way out of this one. Thinking of you.

Good advice, HallnotOates, thanks.

My family are rather far away, but I have found that friends have been very supportive, so far. And he won't be lying his way out of this one, for sure. Just have to be careful to emphasise that we still both love them, and it's not their fault. He was actually a really hands on dad, but he's not been thinking of them recently.

OH and don't accept any interim financial agreements he proposes. I'd you do a judge might hold you to them. Keep your account working.

Also remember to decide ahead together about meeting partners (is her). Mate also annoyed by picking up arrangements she got lumped with. He's often lately picking up. Better for you to drop off.

Thanks again, Hall. I'm not going to agree anything without solicitors advice, don't you worry.

hi, I am so sorry to see how this thread turned out. This is my story from a few months ago and it sucks. It is the lies that are the very worst of all. My STEXH thinks he is so great but is nothing other than a nasty cheat. I have had great support from my friends and after being quite explicit am now getting good support from my family. Our DS is being assessed for special needs possibly PDA.

It is better to know tho then we can get on with the rest of our lives.

Thanks, veryconfused. There is great support on the SN children page, some who have also suspected PDA in their DC. I can't remember if you post there, but please take a look if you don't.

Good Luck for later EJ.
You sound so like me the way you describe yourself. You will start to doubt yourself/blame yourself but you need to know that it is his problem not yours.
Dont expect anything to happen too quickly though - & put in place anything you can to protect yourself as they soon start getting awkward.
Change your passwords, set up new bank a/c in your name, start thinking of what YOU &DCs need for the future.
I wanted to do my STBXH for adultery but have been advised best to let him push ahead, after all I want out so may as well let him pay!
You have been getting good advice from others,long may it continue.
X

Can I just say that while I sympathize with the OP, all these suggestions about how to get into her H's email account, phone and PC; how the OP should pretend to have lost her phone; how she should pretend to have to go out at night in which case her H would have to giver her his phone (why? did people not use to go out before having mobile phones?) is completely and utterly disgusting.

Heaven help a man in marriage if he is not allowed to have his own email account or mobile phone without a snooping wife who is trying to get into them. He'd better run to an OW.

Allie, we always used to know each other's pin numbers and passwords on everything. We didn't feel the need to have any secrets, so when he suddenly changed them it was a complete change in his behaviour. So I was very suspicious and it turns out, with cause. In an honest and trusting relationship there is rarely any need for secrets. IMO.

Exactly Ellen.

I don't think having a separate email account or phone is "having secrets". Everyone deserves their own personal space.

Of course people need their own space. However, if DH needed to see any of my gadgets history he can in a heartbeat. Afterwards I would take great pleasure in showing him nothing is up and never letting him forget about it. The problems are when they refuse. The OP was bang on about needing to see what her not-so-d-H was up to. If she hadn't snooped she's still be blaming herself, not on and not fair.

Hi Allie, I snooped and got confirmation. Like a PP the password had suddenly been changed. I am lied to constantly and without the snooping I wouldn't know what is happening. I was put in a position by my STBEXH of having to lie to DS - that alone for me meant anything I did to find the truth was justified. Why should I lie to a 6 year old becaue he wants to fuck the office bike. That's the disgusting behaviour.