He doesn't love me anymore.

[Jeanniewithblueeyes]

I would like some advice, please.

My lovely husband of 16 years has been unhappy and distant for at least 6 months. I've tried asking him what's up, scared to hear the answer, but he's just said, no, he's fine, and I didn't want to push it. We haven't had sex for 8 months.

The night before last I woke him up at 2 o'clock (there's never any time alone together with a 9 yo, 12 yo and 14 yo) and told him I knew something wasn't right with 'us.' He said that he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for about 2 years(!) and wasn't sure if the marriage could be saved.

He finds it hard to talk about his feelings but he's told me that we seem to do nothing but argue, that sometimes/often I pick faults in everything he does and he dreads coming home from work in case I'm in a bad mood, as nothing he does is right. He's tried to keep the peace by doing more and more of the cooking but the more he does, the more I seem to expect.

I have to say that everything he says is true and I am a difficult person to live with. I am a very argumentative person and I enjoy a 'good' argument. I had a very stormy relationship with my dad, that we both enjoyed. I'm the sort if person who likes a good shout but I don't hold grudges and it's all over and done with quickly. My DH is very quiet, hates arguments and feels very upset for days (months?) afterwards.

I'm not painting myself in a good light here but I'm trying to be honest. I thought he loved me and the boys so much that none of this would ever matter. I could just say sorry and I would mean sorry and we would be back on track. Til the next time.

He is saying that he's willing to give it another go, but that at the moment he doesn't love me. Can I change/stifle my fiery personality enough that this could work? Otherwise he wants to leave, get himself a house and have the kids with him every other week.

Before having kids I had a good, well paid career. I took a lot of time out of work as a SAHM and my DS2 has SN so I now work as a TA in a school so that my DS2 doesn't have to go to a CM or after school club, as finding one that would have the facilities to look after him would be difficult and he is much happier at home in his routine. Therefore I have very little chance of earning much money myself, or of getting back up to where I was before I left work to look after our children. I am terrified of being on my own and having the responsibility of my children on my own. My DH would be very fair with me, I'm sure, but if we had to fund 2 houses there wouldn't be very much left over.

And more to the point, I still love him. He's a really nice bloke and I haven't treated him as he deserves. If this was him writing you would be telling him to run a mile from this woman who just uses him and that he deserves to be happy.

We had an ordinary day yesterday, we took the kids out for a walk and tried to make it an enjoyable time. I am just about holding it together this morning in front of the kids as DH is back at work. We had another chat last night at about 11.00pm and he's still willing to try for the sake of the kids, but he can't see it being forever as he can't imagine ever loving me again.

What can I do? Is it too late?

Some of us are used to blaming ourselves, and need an objective view to see actually its not that simple. I hope the posts on here have helped you get a bit more perspective on your relationship dynamic. That can only be good.

I blamed myself joblot, tried everything to make it work, I changed beyond recognition, it was exhausting and that's why I left. I now know that it wasn't me, there was nothing I could have done, it was him who needed to recognise he had a problem and it was him who needed to change. Unlike Jeannie though he still doesn't accept that.

Other posters are asking 'what has changed in the last 6 months'. Well it can take a lot more than just 6 months for a relationship to go bad before anyone will do anything about it!

I suspect the main thing that has happened is that over the last few years the OP has become more and more isolated because of having to give up work for her SN child. Her only outlet is her DH, whereas before she had friends that she could have friendly arugments/debates with, work was an outlet, just being away from the house for major chunks of the day is liberating.

The first thing you have to do is to find another outlet for your emotions - whether it be physical (kickboxing at the gym), emotional (a book club, a once a month girls night out at a wine bar), or a spoil (spa/massage etc). You are probably wound up so tight that it doesn't take much to get you to start nitpicking and criticising. For your sanity's sake you MUST find a babysitter capable of looking after ALL of your DC, including your SN DC. It will be hard and stressful, but whether you save your marriage or not, you need help and time away from everyone.

Good post Chitchattingaway. Getting involved in something outside the home will not only widen your social circle but go some way towards helping to raise your self esteem. Determined effort is required OP

Some really good advice on this thread.
Nothing to add except 'Good Luck' OP, it is salvagable!

One thing I meant to say OP is that at least you are being honest and recognising that some of your behaviour is a problem. That is one major thing you have going for you and your relationship. A lot of problems I think do not get resolved because of people not seeing what they are doing, or not wanting to change their behaviour, so maybe I was too pessimistic earler? Good luck anyway with whatever you decide.

Great post from chitchat, I really identify with that one. I had a similar situation with a dc with mild SN, in my case XH refused to acknowledge the (obvious!!) issues and told everyone else I was being paranoid, I became increasingly isolated and stressed, and our relationship deteriorated as he left me, moving away to find other women who had fewer responsibilities and were more fun to be around.

It was hellishly difficult, and I blamed myself until I realised that he should have stepped up and shared the responsibility with me. How is your DH in this regard? Does he support you?

You absolutely need a break. You will be able to find childminders who are trained in SN, make it a priority so that you get some respite to do something for yourself for a change.

And if it does come to it and you split, you will cope, I promise. Try not to worry about that at this stage. I actually found it much easier once my XH left. We established a tight little unit and our own routine, and the dc's coped amazingly well.

Jeannie, sorry to ask so many difficult questions! TBh I have been thinking along the same lines than some other posters. But I didn't want to 'say' it and let you come up with some answers to these questions.

As a general rule, looking after a child with SN isn't easy and is putting some a lot of strain on the parents and the relationship
Changing job from one you enjoy to one that fits around your life but perhaps isn't as rewarding is an issue
You mentioned you H thought he had to do more HW so I gess it is anissue of contention between you. Are you working FT but still doing all the HW?
The there is the isolation others have mentioned.
Just as a glance there are plenty of reasons for you to be struggling.
That leads to another question: How is your selfesteem?

jeannie, i'm not a psychologist, but seems to me that you're acting out your relationship with your father, who was into the 'game', with your dh who doesn't like it.

you're getting angry with him now, because you feel he hasn't given you a chance / let it get this bad etc. you're acting out the pattern again. your dh has told you so that you both can try. he's only human and doing the best he can. try and control this anger because this is precisely what the problem is.

you need to get yourself off to counselling.

I think that having a DC with SN initially made us even stronger, but it does just grind you down. Nothing is ever simple. But DH is very good with the DC and he does do his fair share around the house. I think he slightly enjoys playing the martyr a bit.

Last night I asked him to give me a chance to make it better, as it wasn't fair to let it get so far without giving me a chance to improve things. I wasn't at all angry with him, just very upset and tearful. I asked him if there was any reason why he was so private about his phone, and he just said he didn't like people reading over his shoulder. I think I believe him.

He said he could see that I was trying hard and that he still wants to try and make it work. I said that if he could never see himself loving me again was it worth it? He didn't really answer that but just said again that he wanted to keep trying. He's willing to try counselling.

Warthog, it wasn't a game I used to play with my dad, it was just how it was. Perhaps it was more me than him, I can't remember properly anymore. Maybe my dad's love truly was unconditional so that was why it worked. I must admit, I'm missing him terribly at the moment.

It's great that he is willing to try and wants to go for counselling! :)

If I was you I would to counselling on your own too.
I don't know about warthog explaination. it is a possibility but then I've probably had a similar realtionship with my parents and I found it OK because, even though the discussions were argumentative, they never have been about personnal attack and everyone knew that.
However I have learnt that some people are uneasy about it and can take it very personnally so I am trying to reign myself in. That's an issue with communication styles and adapting yourself to the person in front of you. Not something about you that is wrong or a learned inadequate behaviour.

In the mean time, why not trying to recreate a life for yourself? Find a hobby, recreate a network of friends etc...

jeannie, i don't mean game in the conventional sense but in the transactional analysis sense (type of psychoanalyses i suppose, i'm no expert). it's a pattern of behaviour.

sorry you're missing your dad - i also had a very close relationship with mine, and miss him too.

good luck, i do think getting some help will be good.

Thanks, wonders. I have found it very helpful to put all this down, it's helped me to think through it all. I wish he'd said something ages ago, it wouldn't have got so bad, but maybe it had to get this serious for me to take it seriously, IYKWIM.

Crossed, warthog. I do know what you mean, but I don't think that's what it was like with my dad. We were very similar and clashed a lot, but neither of us ever took it to heart and loved each other very much. But what do I know?

sorry jeannie - i've just read a book on transactional analysis - can you tell???

totally inappropriate to bring it here, so i do apologise.

Oh god this could be me 6 months ago.
My h did leave which has been so hard but ultimately I do not want to spend the rest of my life with someone that does not love me. I really hope it works out for you OP X

I've just booked a counselling session at Relate for a week next Fri for us both. It seems ages away but that's when the kids are back at school and I have the afternoon off work.

Great! It will help you get a better picture of what is going on.

Sorry , as others have said he is following a typical script , i think he is either having an affair or is about too . Setting up email accounts and being glued to his phone is fairly typical . In your shoes i would insist on access to his phone .

If he has been so miserable why on earth has he not said anything ? Even if what he is saying about you is true , he should have said earlier . I honestly would not , at this stage beat yourself up about your faults or consider counselling , i would insist on access to his hone or ask him to leave.

Dignified I am currently married to a man who has shown all the signs that he was completely unhappy and miserable for the last 5~6 years.
He still hasn't made attempts to leave and get himself a life. Some people just don't seem to be able to make the step, perhaps because they are so unhappy that they don't see how they could cope with any more and refuse to take the risk.

So yes in the best world, one who is unhappy should leave. But it doesn't always happen that way.

I dont doubt that Wonders ,it does happen , but the ops H has set up a new email account , changed his pin on his phone and is protective of it . Hes also said he doesnt love her anymore . Its all very typical .

The op is going through the usual set up of scrutinising herself , booking relate , trying to make everything better . And it is a set up . Many men will go through with counselling while theyre having an affair so they can say they tried everything , but hey ho , it didnt work .

Hes happily blaming the Op here and picking faults , but it sounds like hes done nothing to improve things over the last few years . One person alone cannot save a marriage , and when someone states they dont love you anymore i dont see how theres any coming back from that .The Op deserves better .

Hate to agree with Dignified, but after reading the whole post I would say there is definitely more to it. Your story is exactly the same as mine. I did go as far as nearly booking relate, I did everything to try and make the relationship better, blamed myself entirely etc. There was another woman involved and she was the sole reason for the 'I'm not in love with you anymore' speech. They really are all exactly the same these men. I would have NEVER believed it in my case - not in a million years. And in a way he even shocked himself that he got involved but he did. Typically he regrets it enormously, wants to come back (after leaving) etc. I so hope I am wrong and you two can patch up your differences but don't rule out the option that there is someone else making him change his feelings in this way. Try not to blame yourself for everything because that is what he wants. Like others have said I would go out and get proof, I only did because of what I read on here and I am so so glad I did. I am so so sorry if this the case for you as I know what it feels like; to have someone say they don't love you is awful but to find out is due to someone else is even worse. Good Luck. I really really hope you can work things out and I am wrong.

You don't mention how your children have been affected.

My mum was like you. My childhood memories are of rages and tension. My dad and me banding together in alliance if we'd been out for a few hours together, dreading coming home, dreading the inevitable row. I used to long for them to get divorced. He did eventually divorce her, but stayed for years before for my sake. Is your DH staying for the sake of your children only, perhaps that's why he's been quiet.

My mother's tantrums had a huge effect on my as a child and a young adult. I still can't deal with anger, I suppress my own emotions, because I've learned that emotions are bad. How is it affecting your children?

It sounds as if you have been self indulgent for years, letting rip with your emotions, careless and insensitive of the wounds they inflict on others. It's not good enough to say 'sorry' afterwards, you have already inflicted the wounds.

Even if your DH if he has a friendship with another woman, that doesn't mean it is an affair. My father used to go and talk to a kind caring neighbour who lived on her own. I am sure it wasn't ever anything more, he just needed to talk to someone kind, undemanding and sympathetic. To get some peace.

To keep your family, you need to take responsibility for your behaviour, calm down, to change if you can, to control yourself. There is hope, if you calm down, because members of your family will be able to forget the awful past. One blots out awful experiences for one's own sanity.

If he has a friendship that is unknown to the OP and is sharing things with her that he doesn't share with OP, it is still an affair even though its not physical.

Thanks for your posts. I really don't think my DH has had or is having an affair.

Countrydreamer, my DC have no idea that there is any problem between my DH and I. We have never argued in front of them and I don't shout and scream. It's more nitpicking and nagging that I've been guilty of. DH doesn't argue back so things have never got out of control. I'd say they would have absolutely no idea. I suppose they may have picked up that we haven't been very affectionate towards each other, but I think that's all. I'm sorry if my posts have reminded you of an unpleasant time, but I'm glad to say that things aren't nearly as difficult here.

It will mean that they will be totally unprepared for a separation. I am desperate for them to never know and I hope they never need to.