He doesn't love me anymore.

[Jeanniewithblueeyes]

I would like some advice, please.

My lovely husband of 16 years has been unhappy and distant for at least 6 months. I've tried asking him what's up, scared to hear the answer, but he's just said, no, he's fine, and I didn't want to push it. We haven't had sex for 8 months.

The night before last I woke him up at 2 o'clock (there's never any time alone together with a 9 yo, 12 yo and 14 yo) and told him I knew something wasn't right with 'us.' He said that he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for about 2 years(!) and wasn't sure if the marriage could be saved.

He finds it hard to talk about his feelings but he's told me that we seem to do nothing but argue, that sometimes/often I pick faults in everything he does and he dreads coming home from work in case I'm in a bad mood, as nothing he does is right. He's tried to keep the peace by doing more and more of the cooking but the more he does, the more I seem to expect.

I have to say that everything he says is true and I am a difficult person to live with. I am a very argumentative person and I enjoy a 'good' argument. I had a very stormy relationship with my dad, that we both enjoyed. I'm the sort if person who likes a good shout but I don't hold grudges and it's all over and done with quickly. My DH is very quiet, hates arguments and feels very upset for days (months?) afterwards.

I'm not painting myself in a good light here but I'm trying to be honest. I thought he loved me and the boys so much that none of this would ever matter. I could just say sorry and I would mean sorry and we would be back on track. Til the next time.

He is saying that he's willing to give it another go, but that at the moment he doesn't love me. Can I change/stifle my fiery personality enough that this could work? Otherwise he wants to leave, get himself a house and have the kids with him every other week.

Before having kids I had a good, well paid career. I took a lot of time out of work as a SAHM and my DS2 has SN so I now work as a TA in a school so that my DS2 doesn't have to go to a CM or after school club, as finding one that would have the facilities to look after him would be difficult and he is much happier at home in his routine. Therefore I have very little chance of earning much money myself, or of getting back up to where I was before I left work to look after our children. I am terrified of being on my own and having the responsibility of my children on my own. My DH would be very fair with me, I'm sure, but if we had to fund 2 houses there wouldn't be very much left over.

And more to the point, I still love him. He's a really nice bloke and I haven't treated him as he deserves. If this was him writing you would be telling him to run a mile from this woman who just uses him and that he deserves to be happy.

We had an ordinary day yesterday, we took the kids out for a walk and tried to make it an enjoyable time. I am just about holding it together this morning in front of the kids as DH is back at work. We had another chat last night at about 11.00pm and he's still willing to try for the sake of the kids, but he can't see it being forever as he can't imagine ever loving me again.

What can I do? Is it too late?

I'm the OP, may as well use my usual name now. Sorry, the deleted post had some info on it I wouldn't want to share with him so it has made it a bit confusing.

Yeah, great partnership, Katie. It's nice to have a rant, but I'll need some practical advice later.

If it's lone parent benefits advice, PM me.

Thanks, Katie. I work PT as a TA in a school but I don't know if I'd be better off working less. I think I'll need the distraction.

He's a really nice bloke and I haven't treated him as he deserves

That quote's out of your mouth: why not start treating the man in the way you believe he deserves to be treated?

I am a very argumentative person and I enjoy a 'good' argument. I had a very stormy relationship with my dad, that we both enjoyed

That was then, this is now. Your dh is not your dad and some of us thrive on non-confrontational, non-argumentive dialogue coupled with mutual respect, consideration, and co-operation, in our intimate relationships with others.

Seek therapy to explore why you find it neccessary to treat your dh with contempt and disdain and, in the meantime, try to get a grip on your bad-tempered attitude to him.

Izzy, read the whole thread. I'm the OP. He's been having a sexual affair for the last 6 months which he constantly denied until I found proof this morning.

Nice one Izzy

Oh Ellen, I am so sorry it turned out this way. How sickeningly predictable these men can be.

Don't blame yourself. No matter how your relationship had been, he should have discussed problems with you, not gone looking for an escape route elsewhere. That's horrid, cowardly behaviour and I'm well aware of how painful it is to go through it.

Protect yourself and your dc's now. His priorities have changed.

Ellen, that is so horrible for you and the DCs. Sorry no advice except try to take good care of yourself physically as it does help to deal with the stress. I am so sorry for you x

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

Have you anyone in real life who can offer tea and sympathy? You must be gutted, I read the entire thread and I could feel how much you wanted to put things right.

A few unexpected people have crawled out of the woodwork and have been lovely, thanks for asking.

Hi EJ

I have spoken to you many a times under another name/SN children. I get paranoid to ex is looking so change frequently lol.

I think personally you are going to drive yourself to severe depression if you carry on like this...tell him to pack a bag and go for a few weeks ...he has lowered your self confidence then projected it saying it his his self confidence that is low...is that Passive Aggressive...or just twatish!?

Anyway hun, you need space and time to get your head around it all...you need time alone (I dont mean without the kids) I mean without the selfish lying cheating pig. You have enough stress with ds2 and school.

I think you need to see a solicitor asap re house, benifits, and custody of kids...

Your ds with asd needs stability and routine and not a play puppet to suit the other woman and her child...he has school and needs his own home to return to after school...have you thought about ex having ds for the day only on Saturday or Sunday (on his own)...as it will be stressful/confusing for ds2 to suddenly having to go to another person's house to play mum then think of overnight stays only if they do last the best side of a year and if ds is ready. Change of routine constantly is bad for our kiddos and you need to ensure it stays stable...as it effects school/home/social/health/anxiety etc...

Please be kind to yourself, stop blaming yourself...you are a fantastic person who gives the most wonderful support on SN children...........I think this man has slowly eaten at your self confidence and made you feel the 'bady' in all this...you need to turn the table now and think of yourself now....what you and your dc need not him...he has done the damage...you also need to ask yourself 'Can I ever trust this man again?' after constantly denying this affair...and get over the most hurtful things he has disclosed to you? Tell him to leave this weekend and have time alone to start to make sense of it all...others here are very experienced and will give fantastic advice you now need.....it's your turn to have a (((HUG))) and a shoulder...please grab the support here x

Thanks serious.

He's gone, I told him to leave this morning. There's no coming back from this. I will get a solicitor ASAP, don't worry.

He was trying to make me believe I was the baddie, and I know I'm not perfect, but I also know I did not deserve this and he is a lying, cheating wanker who is having his mid-life crisis with a serial marriage failure. I kicked him out today because I can never trust him again. He wanted to stay a few weeks 'for the kids sake' but still see his tart on the side, I reckon. I will get through this.

You will EJ you have been very strong and you have asked yourself one of the most important questions...and you have concluded you cannot get over this....your dc will become your 'rocks' and MN a close second

You have had to deal with much worse in life you have a dc with Autism...and you have had to fight tooth and nail...this will prepare you for ex being dirty too...you wont get worse than LEAs so they have put you in good practice lol!

Please think before you start letting ds2 go with dad for 'over nights' though...as this may not last and ds2 will get so confused. It wont be a break if you are then having to deal with tantrums/disturbed sleep/ anxiety/ behaviours developing for the next 6 nights iygwim....you need to do what is best for ds2 and I know you will...also if you start letting ds2 go and problems start it is harder to reduce contact as ex may have a case and as said on SN site...their may be other ploys to wanting ds to stay longer etc on their part! Which I agree is the case.

I have been on my own with ds (asd) well since 5 months pregnant and I always say it is easier (well I don't know any other way lol)....ever need a shoulder etc just PM me ...for what it is worth I know you are doing the right thing you will be ok just give yourself slack and tell yourself everyday what a great person and fantastic mum you are...as you have been put down long enough by the spineless wanker (oops my language tonite!)
Have a few
x

This does make me think, and please forgive me if this is an entirely inappropriate aside. I once read that the marriage failure rate in couples with a dc with ASD is astronomically high (my own included).

I do wonder if our H's often have some of the ASD traits themselves even if not officially on the spectrum - specifically in terms of being able to express emotions, maintain functional relationships etc. I did always wonder about XH, and now I'm with someone different, it's incredible how differently he relates to me. I'm amazed by his emotional intelligence, when probably he is more closer to the norm than XH was, if that makes sense.

I hope that isn't really insensitive to say. I just think combined with the additional pressure SN can put on a family unit, it often seems that the H has issues communicating too in these situations and it's much easier to start again rather than persevere when times get tough.

Ellen, am really thinking of you today.

this is very much the case and most other dads I meet with dc on spectrum I can clearly see where it has come from. My ex never spoke until he was 5yrs old and tip toe and repetitive behaviours...very intelligent etc....so I first put his 'behaviours' down to AS....but ex is different and clearly a psychopath and it is unfair to say that is how people with AS behave would give them a bad name.
People on the spectrum still know the difference between right and wrong ...actually even more so as so blardy literal sometimes lol....EJ h was clearly covering keeping his mobile hidden etc...this isnt due to a dx it is due to being a lying cheating pig !!!! Sorry EJ you know you deserve better than this!
Otherwise we would say all men with AS are cheating lying pigs....this is human condition not effected my dx, race, sex, colour, religion etc

I think the terrible communication issue is a bit spectrummy, but H is/was quite a thoughtful, considerate person so not typical at all.

No, the deceitful behaviour is absolutely wrong and inexcusable however you look at it, and lying certainly isn't a trait associated with ASD, more the opposite.

I think it was definitely the poor level of communication which was the biggest problem in my relationship though, and that, plus a weakness in XH, and opportunity kind of led to everything else happening. Hijack over, sorry, just musing on here a bit.

How are you doing today, Ellen?

Pretty shit, TBH. He came around this morning to get a few more things and discuss what we are going to say to the kids. He did apologise for saying that he didn't care about my feelings, yesterday. I tried to be matter of fact with him but still ended up in tears talking and thinking about the kids' reactions. As soon as he had gone I went to see a neighbour as I couldn't face being on my own. She was lovely and expressed her amazement at it all. They really like H and think it seems totally out of character, which is pretty much my feeling on it. But out of character or not, he has still had regular sex with another woman.

Got an appointment now.

Don't want tonseem nosy but did the deleteted comment say "ive found his phone or" hes confessed?"

Hi EJ,
just read your thread & just wanted to say how very sorry I am for you. You could be me about 3 months ago. I feel your pain.
First and foremost, look after yourself. Make sure you eat & sleep as much as you can!
Have you got good RL friends that you can turn to? You need to be strong now for the DCs. I know that it is very very hard, your whole world is blown apart, the bastards go off and you're the one left behind doing the day to day coping with the children - WTF.
You will go through a whole lot of emotions, if you feel angry,let yourself be angry.
I tended to blame OW but as someone posted to me - she wasnt the one that said her vows to you.
Be strong and be assured you have MN friends who will help to see you through.
Take care, will post again.
x

Ellen..Ive lurked on your thread and just wanted to say Im so sorry, everytime I see one of these threads, I hope and pray that it wont turn into another DH having an affair thread, but in most cases they have

My H gave me the "I dont love you line" last September, I spent 6 weeks crying and doing everything in my power to become mrs perfect, then I found the text messages to his work colleague (actually the texts were deleted but found his bill) and the facebook messages to an old GF, he denied and denied anything untoward, but further text messages from work colleague which I saw made it very clear that something was going on..he finally left in the new year and went straight to her..they are no longer together and he has finally confessed what I knew all along, that the affair was physical and he started the affair whilst I was pregnant

As others have said, your friends on MN are here for you

Thanks again, ladies. The deleted post said something along the lines of, OK, the shit has hit the fan. I got hold of his phone and found a disabled email account which I activated and found all the sleazy emails they'd been sending each other, including one from the previous night when he'd been 'visiting his dad!' So I had it out with him and told him to leave.

I've gone public and told everyone except my family so far and have been inundated with offers of tea and sympathy which I've been taking up.

He's coming round at tea time tomorrow, so we can break it to the kids together. I've been advised to be honest with the kids, which he's not going to like. Well, tough titty.

No. A mate of mines h wanted her to do it!! Then age said in front of him " daddy's had a girlfriend. And he loves her more than me". Gutting.

Do screw him for every penny. Pensions. Link his payments to retail price index. Agree on holidays, post 18 financing and everything.