He doesn't love me anymore.

[Jeanniewithblueeyes]

I would like some advice, please.

My lovely husband of 16 years has been unhappy and distant for at least 6 months. I've tried asking him what's up, scared to hear the answer, but he's just said, no, he's fine, and I didn't want to push it. We haven't had sex for 8 months.

The night before last I woke him up at 2 o'clock (there's never any time alone together with a 9 yo, 12 yo and 14 yo) and told him I knew something wasn't right with 'us.' He said that he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for about 2 years(!) and wasn't sure if the marriage could be saved.

He finds it hard to talk about his feelings but he's told me that we seem to do nothing but argue, that sometimes/often I pick faults in everything he does and he dreads coming home from work in case I'm in a bad mood, as nothing he does is right. He's tried to keep the peace by doing more and more of the cooking but the more he does, the more I seem to expect.

I have to say that everything he says is true and I am a difficult person to live with. I am a very argumentative person and I enjoy a 'good' argument. I had a very stormy relationship with my dad, that we both enjoyed. I'm the sort if person who likes a good shout but I don't hold grudges and it's all over and done with quickly. My DH is very quiet, hates arguments and feels very upset for days (months?) afterwards.

I'm not painting myself in a good light here but I'm trying to be honest. I thought he loved me and the boys so much that none of this would ever matter. I could just say sorry and I would mean sorry and we would be back on track. Til the next time.

He is saying that he's willing to give it another go, but that at the moment he doesn't love me. Can I change/stifle my fiery personality enough that this could work? Otherwise he wants to leave, get himself a house and have the kids with him every other week.

Before having kids I had a good, well paid career. I took a lot of time out of work as a SAHM and my DS2 has SN so I now work as a TA in a school so that my DS2 doesn't have to go to a CM or after school club, as finding one that would have the facilities to look after him would be difficult and he is much happier at home in his routine. Therefore I have very little chance of earning much money myself, or of getting back up to where I was before I left work to look after our children. I am terrified of being on my own and having the responsibility of my children on my own. My DH would be very fair with me, I'm sure, but if we had to fund 2 houses there wouldn't be very much left over.

And more to the point, I still love him. He's a really nice bloke and I haven't treated him as he deserves. If this was him writing you would be telling him to run a mile from this woman who just uses him and that he deserves to be happy.

We had an ordinary day yesterday, we took the kids out for a walk and tried to make it an enjoyable time. I am just about holding it together this morning in front of the kids as DH is back at work. We had another chat last night at about 11.00pm and he's still willing to try for the sake of the kids, but he can't see it being forever as he can't imagine ever loving me again.

What can I do? Is it too late?

Jeannie what makes you think that (about someone making him feel good about himself)?

Has there been somebody new around lately, or who he has started to talk about?

Have only just seen this thread and wanted to say that whatever you think, this is not all your fault.

He was been talking about this one woman quite a lot last year, but not so much recently, which doesn't sound good, does it? I managed to get into his Facebook account and found that her status is 'separated' which it wasn't last year. I was sure there was something (maybe fairly innocent) going on but he has denied it. He didn't tell me she was separated, though.

Re the nitpicking - could it be because somehow you were picking up on the fact that he has become distant and the more he did this, the more miserable you became, which in turn made you nag/nitpick even more?

He only goes out once a week with mates. I don't think he has much of a chance to see her. But there is definitely a friendship there.

Re the nitpicking - could it be because somehow you were picking up on the fact that he has become distant and the more he did this, the more miserable and less in control you became, which in turn made you nag/nitpick even more?

Jeannie obviously we can only speculate, but I would be very suspicious about this woman. Trust your instincts, and remember that however much you may be 'difficult to live with', it doesn't give him an excuse to cheat on you.

You need to get access to his phone. Out of interest, is he suddenly more possessive of it lately?

Mad, I truly don't know why I get so bad-tempered, it's like nothing is right, sometimes and my DH gets it in the neck because he's there and I felt 'safe' with him.

Could it be at work?

Many modern affairs take place via the internet/mobile phone, during lunchtimes and also your H could be taking afternoons off...

Can you remember when you started feeling badtempered? It may be around the time when he started to distance himself?

Yes, I do want to get access to his phone, he is quite possessive of it, and he's recently changed the PIN. I think he'll have deleted anything by now, though, after I asked about this woman.

He works in a high security job, as does she, so no chance at work. He could be taking a long lunch break, I suppose.

I've always been quick tempered, so nothing new there. I do recognise that about myself. I am not innocent in all this. I would be very angry if there was an affair. So far it feels like it's all my fault, and it maybe.

I would do something really sneaky like pretend to lose my phone then 'need' to go out late at night on my own for something. Therefore needing to borrow his phone. He would have to unlock the pin and let you have it, wouldn't he? Or look very guilty if not.

Jeannie but remember if your hunches are right, he'll be doing everything he can to make you think it is all your fault - to ease his concience (ie poor him, you were so horrible to him you forced him into the arms of another woman...) and keep you off track of what he's up to.

Look, I've got to get the kids their lunch and have a shower. I'll be back a bit later.

Thank you all so much, so far. It's good to think out loud, as it were, and analyse everything without crying all over the kids.

you know what, I've never known anywhere like mn for leading a thread just where people want it to be.

Op has admitted she's bad-tempered, has in fact admitted she loves an argument but that her h isn't like that, has said that she thought her h loved her so much that it didn't matter until the next time... She's admitted she's been putting him down for years and that nothing is ever good enough, etc, and that her h has now had enough. (and to be fair to the op she's not denied any of this, so this is not a dig at you op).

If the op had written this thread saying that her h was this temperamental, constantly put her down and nothing was ever good enough and she no longer loved him people would be calling him a bastard and telling her to leave him.

Yet the op comes on and admits her faults and what this has led to, and for some reason it's the husband who is in the wrong here? must be having an affair/perhaps he's passive-agressive/op should do snooping into his mobile phone/email etc... talk about turning it around to suit the agenda.

Now I am by no means advocating people turn on the op, she has obviously come here for advice/support and that's fair enough. But to just assume that it's essentially the dh's fault is a bit too far the other way.

Op, there's always a chance your dh could have found someone else, but equally it is entirely possible to fall out of love with someone, and if someone constantly displays certain trates then it can be easy to see how.

If your h is certain that he will never love you again then tbh you're on a hiding to nothing and I would accept it rather than fighting for something purely for the sake of the kids.

But if he wants to work things out for you as well as the kids then you are going to need to get some serious anger management help. The more you put someone down, the more they will start to believe it, and you're not being fair to him by assuming that he loves you enough to put up with anything you say to him. That enters into the boundaries of emotional abuse, and if this were a man we were talking about people would be advising you to call women's aid and to get out now.

If you think your love can be rebuilt then you can fix things, but you will need to do a lot of change in order to bring it about. Perhaps there are things your dh needs to change as well, but we can't know that here, all we can know is what you've told us.

Jeannie whether he has an OW or not, you will never be the only one to blame. It takes two to tango!
I remember a psychotherapist telling me that when there is an issue in a marriage, both partners are always equally responsible.

You are happy to see your own faults and that's a good thing, not the least because if things don't work out, yuo will be able to use that to change for the better and for yourself. But I am sure he isn't whiter than white and would probably do with working on himself too. Don't let anyone (your H or yourself) make you think you are soly resposnible.

I understand where you are coming from wannabe but it is the inconsistency that is making me suspicious. If she had indeed been driving him away then she would not be so surprised by this revelation. The unexpectedness of it smacks of someone keeping their options open until the point at which they make their choice.

Hmm although wonders when you get into the realms of abusive behaviour, there is no 'equal responsibility' for it.

Maybe it is just down to the relationship breaking down because of the problems between OP and her H, but OP did say she suspected something was going on between her H and another woman a few months ago. Other posters were just responding to that. Because sadly, many men (and women, come to that) are afraid to take the leap out of a relastionship until there's a nice comfy mattress there to land on...

'relastionship'?

wannaBe, I never said he was PA. Just a comment that the OP made made me wonder. I am happy to be told I was wrong but why shouldn't I raise it as a possibility?
Same for an OW. It is a possibility and is worth having a look at just as you (and I) say that it might just be an issue with the relationship itslef, the way the OP (and her H) are with each other and kill the love there was.

The OP is very honest about her shortcommings which I personnaly applaud. but it doesn't mean she is responsible of it all either or make her 'worse' that her H.

Hence I suggested to have both counselling as a couple and counselling for herslef.

BadTasteFlump I know I know.

Not sure if this is the place to discuss if there is equal responsability in case of abuse. I was shocked by her comment when she made it and raised the same comment than you. However in the case of the OP, this is probably much more relevant.

I agree with annabe - I read relaitonships threads often but rarely (if ever) post. But have read the way this thread has gone with an open mouth.

I think posters trying to point you in the direction of an affair are doing you a disservice. You ackowledge your fault (not to say he bears no responsibility) and to invest your energy in trying to find out if he is having an affair is IMO such a waste of your limited energy.

Go to relaitonship counselling, go to counselling on your own. take some ownership (as you started doing) and try to fix your marriage if thats what you want.

Its possible he's having an affair, its possible that he's so miserable at home that he has become more freindly with someone than he should have. But really, isn;t your focus on doing what you can to improve your relationship?

Yes ideally it should be Kew, but only if the OP is sure that her H isn't using her behaviour as an excuse to take the piss behind her back and shag someone else. If he is there is probably nothing OP can do to improve the relationship, and she would be wasting her energy trying.