He doesn't love me anymore.

[Jeanniewithblueeyes]

I would like some advice, please.

My lovely husband of 16 years has been unhappy and distant for at least 6 months. I've tried asking him what's up, scared to hear the answer, but he's just said, no, he's fine, and I didn't want to push it. We haven't had sex for 8 months.

The night before last I woke him up at 2 o'clock (there's never any time alone together with a 9 yo, 12 yo and 14 yo) and told him I knew something wasn't right with 'us.' He said that he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for about 2 years(!) and wasn't sure if the marriage could be saved.

He finds it hard to talk about his feelings but he's told me that we seem to do nothing but argue, that sometimes/often I pick faults in everything he does and he dreads coming home from work in case I'm in a bad mood, as nothing he does is right. He's tried to keep the peace by doing more and more of the cooking but the more he does, the more I seem to expect.

I have to say that everything he says is true and I am a difficult person to live with. I am a very argumentative person and I enjoy a 'good' argument. I had a very stormy relationship with my dad, that we both enjoyed. I'm the sort if person who likes a good shout but I don't hold grudges and it's all over and done with quickly. My DH is very quiet, hates arguments and feels very upset for days (months?) afterwards.

I'm not painting myself in a good light here but I'm trying to be honest. I thought he loved me and the boys so much that none of this would ever matter. I could just say sorry and I would mean sorry and we would be back on track. Til the next time.

He is saying that he's willing to give it another go, but that at the moment he doesn't love me. Can I change/stifle my fiery personality enough that this could work? Otherwise he wants to leave, get himself a house and have the kids with him every other week.

Before having kids I had a good, well paid career. I took a lot of time out of work as a SAHM and my DS2 has SN so I now work as a TA in a school so that my DS2 doesn't have to go to a CM or after school club, as finding one that would have the facilities to look after him would be difficult and he is much happier at home in his routine. Therefore I have very little chance of earning much money myself, or of getting back up to where I was before I left work to look after our children. I am terrified of being on my own and having the responsibility of my children on my own. My DH would be very fair with me, I'm sure, but if we had to fund 2 houses there wouldn't be very much left over.

And more to the point, I still love him. He's a really nice bloke and I haven't treated him as he deserves. If this was him writing you would be telling him to run a mile from this woman who just uses him and that he deserves to be happy.

We had an ordinary day yesterday, we took the kids out for a walk and tried to make it an enjoyable time. I am just about holding it together this morning in front of the kids as DH is back at work. We had another chat last night at about 11.00pm and he's still willing to try for the sake of the kids, but he can't see it being forever as he can't imagine ever loving me again.

What can I do? Is it too late?

wonders I agree it's probably not the place, but didn't want to leave it unsaid...

What Wannabe said

I am inclined to agree with Wanna B. To be honest unfortunately OP you and your husband sound like you might have incompatible personalities or conflict (and conflict resolution) styles. Couple's Counselling might help, but I am not sure that it will if there is such a fundamental divide?

As for comments that you shouldn't have to change yourself, if there is something you are doing that is destructive to yourself and your relationships, then changing that can be good. Though it could just be that you would be better off with someone more like yourself.

I hate to say it but you also sound like you are being emotionally abusive (or that to him this is what it feels like - his comment about nit-picking and dreading coming home point to this). It could also be that on some level you are not happy with your choices so that it is coming out in you in this way. But it sounds like you are also fundamentally very different so the problem goes beyond this.

I would be more like your husband personality-wise and I hate loud arguments (I don't mean discussions) and fights, and I would not myself want to be in a relationship with someone who was into it. For me it would be a deal-breaker. I just would not get involved with someone who had this way of dealing with disagreements. Though that is no help to you as you are where you are now, but I am mentioning it as for me this sort of behaviour would be a deal-breaker and I just cannot see you and your husband working this out, sorry.

They have been together for 16 years. She admits that she has always been like this, so what has changed in the last 6 months that means he is no longer willing to put up with it?

But samhaircin If it had been you, you would never have got married and had dcs in these circunstances would you? Whereas they have been together for 14+ years with her H saying he was happy and in love with her.

I maintain that for someone to start nit-picking like this (which wasn't the case before) then they must be hurting in some way. Only the OP can say what has been bothering her so much.

I also refute the idea that people can't change.They can if they want to (That's one of the point of counselling isn't it?)

Thanks everyone. TBH, I suspected a friendship rather than an affair, and was worried that he'd see the grass could be greener. He's an honest, decent man and I think he would have told me when I asked him. He is possessive about his phone so he could be talking to this friend, asking advice, because she has recently separated from her husband.

I am more worried about whether I can salvage my relationship, whether I can change enough to make a difference to my husband. I spoke to him last night about whether it was an abusive relationship and if I was abusing him, but he said not, that he was too sensitive. But I do realise that he may just be saying that. I did say in my original post that if this was the other way around and my DH was asking for advice you'd tell him to get out.

I don't think I've changed. I've always been this way and maybe you are right that we are not compatible. I think he has seen with this friend that his life could be better. I want to make sure that it gets better with me. I am hoping that he still loves me deep down, but just really doesn't like me ATM.

Jeannie, I am afraid no one on here can tell you 'You will be OK and you will salvage your relationship'.

That's not the way I would at it tbh.
I would look at myself and change things that I think/know I need to change. I would go to counselling and use that awfull experience to better myself iyswim.
Part of that would be trying to be better at communicationg with my H and, if he is happy with it, go for couple counselling. Couple counselling isn't just about making couple work. It can also be a way to have both parties realizing that things have come to an end and terminate the relationship in the best way possible.

At the end of that, you might or might not have save your marriage but you will have made the best out of a bad situation.

If you've 'always been this way' I don't understand why it's taken 22 years (?) for compatibility to become an issue. We could all look around and find someone else who may compare favourably to our partner if we wanted to. The fact is he shouldn't be doing that in the first place, IMO.

I'm not saying you're not at fault at all, OP, but it worries me how down on yourself you sound.

I think counselling will have to be the way to go. I can't bear thinking that our marriage will fail so if in is inevitable I will definitely need help coming to terms with it.

Agree. I thought that before.

x post. Sorry OP

Ok, I'm out for a bit. Will come back later.

Agree with wannabe and all those posters who also agree with wannabe.

OP, I think you stand a better chance of saving your relationship if you work on your own issues first. Just because you have 'always been like that' doesn't make it right or acceptable. Your relationship sounds exhausting to be honest, with all the highs, lows and drama's of the arguments and I have to agree with the poster that said you do sound abusive. I don't get the idea from your thread that your DH is having an affair. I think he is fed up, worn down and worn out.

Well done on being so honest - you have faced up to the challenges and that isn't easy. It's true your DH might now have a insight into how a relationship could be through the friend so it is sensible to act now.

He says he dreads coming home from work - that is a strong emotion and if he feels as if he is walking on eggshells then it's an untenable situation. I would also encourage you to think about how your DS's are learning from this relationship. It would be best to model how to resolve conflict calmly rather than in an argumentative manner. Good Luck - it's not easy changing how to express emotions but it can be done.

Hi, wondersoftheworld, yes you are right, I didn't think of that. Counselling would not be just to try to save the marriage but also to try to break up in the best way possible, if that is what they decide to do.

Just to clarify, I do think people can change if they want to, but in this case I just wondered whether the change would be too fundamental, and whether it would even be reasonable to expect it? The husband would also have to engage with it as well (as he sounds like he is inclined to bottle things up).

But some people are not as aware of their deal-breakers (or some of them) until they are in the middle of a relationship. And if he hadn't lived with people who were very argumentative before, he may not have been aware of what it would be like (I grew up in a house that felt full of arguments and fights so I knew from a young age that I did not want that). Sometimes people overlook things when they are in the earlier stages of love.

And maybe he wasn't as happy as he was making out? Or it could be a case of enough is enough, or the straw that broke the camels back or something? Sometimes people put up with things they don't like in a relationship but eventually get to the stage where it causes them to break away (emotionally). It doesn't have to be an affair or anything like that that causes the change, though there could be a danger there of him having an emotional affair even if he hasn't yet.

The nit picking isn't new, but neither is it constant. I am moody and having a DC with SN doesn't help. I feel quite isolated in that I don't seem to have many close friends, just lots of acquaintances. I don't think I'm very happy, myself, TBH, but I am/was happy with my DH. I think I've been taking out my unhappiness on him as he was 'safe.' God, it all sounds such crap.

It doesn't sound crap at all Jeannie and like someone else said above it's very brave of you to be so open and honest. I think you are probably right, you aren't very happy with yourself. How would you rate your self esteem? Are you a secure, confident person? Do you actually like yourself?

I can relate to what you say about taking your unhappiness out on your DH because that is exactly what I think my ex did to me. He was insecure and unhappy with his life and I was his whipping boy. He felt safe too, he thought I loved him too much to leave him. He got the shock of his life last February when he came home to an empty house a note on the kitchen table. He isn't as strong as you though, he still hasn't admitted he was wrong.

Jeannie, you know you are an odd case here. most people come here really hurt that their H has told them that they are not in love anymore and how heartbroken they are (which I know is your case too).
It is usually followed by I didn't see it coming etc... (and yes sometimes by an OW too).
Few people are coming over saying my H doesn't love me and I am the one responsible for it. look at how bad I am.
Also the one thing you are not talking about is your H and his reactions to you, his behaviours, if there are things that you are not happy with, which is what most people tend to talk about in these situations.

It is great that you realize your shortcomings but I do wonder why you come out so hard on yourself. Is it because your H has told you about his unhappiness before or you knew what you were doing wasn't quite right but felt 'you could afford to do it' and now regret it, or is it because your self esteem is rock bottom (job change, no friends, comments from your H???).

Blimey, Wonders, I don't know. The problem is there isn't anything wrong with my DH apart from him being such a doormat and me wiping my feet all over him. I'm just beginning to get angry that he hasn't given me a chance to put things right before it's got almost unsalvageable. I am insecure with relationships outside my marriage but I have always been completely convinced that my DH loves me no matter what. He has complained in the past about my nagging, and I've stopped for a while and then it's gone back. I have never realised it was such an issue for him. He keeps it all in, sucks it up if you like, and I've been in the dark about his really strong feelings.

So this is me trying hard to work it all out. I think we do need counselling to tease it all out. I think my DH would think it was a poor excuse if I said my behaviour is down to my insecurities.

I don't think I do like myself very much. I don't have any close friends and now I've pushed my DH away.

I myself can be a bit of a nag but until recently, my H has never made an issue of it. However, looking back his criticisms started at the time he began to distance himself and I reacted by becoming grumpy and nagging more which served to help my H justify having the affair.

For me, your posts have so many warning signs and the phone possessive is a huge red flag - why would he want to hide it, he should not have secrets from you...

Marriage counselling will help but it will be a waste of time and money if your H is actually having an affair and is not being open and honest, which is why it is important for you to be sure that he isn't choosing to have an affair instead of talking to you about his feelings.

Working on your self esteem will definitely be an enormous help.

Thing is Jeannie, your DH may feel he has been giving you a chance to put things right but maybe you just haven't noticed (my ex said the same thing about me, that I wasn't giving him a chance, he had 11 years of chances which he obviously didn't recognise, he was also convinced that I would love him no matter what, that I would never leave him because I loved him too much) Would you say that you might have taken your DH's love for you and his commitment for granted?

I think it's quite possible that your DH has a low self esteem, for him to allow himself to be treated as you say he has been, well, he must have. I would say that before you can work on your relationship you both have some work to do on yourselves. You can only learn to love each other if you have love and respect for yourselves. Individual counselling might be best at this stage, maybe? In fact, you might find that your DH's self esteem improves once yours does because you might find yourself treating him more respectfully.

Well done for speaking out Jeannie.

Thank you, Time. I think that you are right, I think you understand this situation well. My DH is just home from work, so that's all for now.

I think I do love. I am appreciating your posts because you are giving me an insight to my relationship with my ex. When I left I felt no love for him either, he had worn me down completely but, if he had done as you are doing and addressed how he felt and was behaving then I would have worked with him to save the relationship. I do hope you manage to sort things out, you do sound really lovely and I have a feeling that you didn't have very good role models when it came to relationships and lot of how you are can be attributed to learned behaviour. That applies to my ex too. It's very sad.