He doesn't love me anymore.

[Jeanniewithblueeyes]

I would like some advice, please.

My lovely husband of 16 years has been unhappy and distant for at least 6 months. I've tried asking him what's up, scared to hear the answer, but he's just said, no, he's fine, and I didn't want to push it. We haven't had sex for 8 months.

The night before last I woke him up at 2 o'clock (there's never any time alone together with a 9 yo, 12 yo and 14 yo) and told him I knew something wasn't right with 'us.' He said that he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for about 2 years(!) and wasn't sure if the marriage could be saved.

He finds it hard to talk about his feelings but he's told me that we seem to do nothing but argue, that sometimes/often I pick faults in everything he does and he dreads coming home from work in case I'm in a bad mood, as nothing he does is right. He's tried to keep the peace by doing more and more of the cooking but the more he does, the more I seem to expect.

I have to say that everything he says is true and I am a difficult person to live with. I am a very argumentative person and I enjoy a 'good' argument. I had a very stormy relationship with my dad, that we both enjoyed. I'm the sort if person who likes a good shout but I don't hold grudges and it's all over and done with quickly. My DH is very quiet, hates arguments and feels very upset for days (months?) afterwards.

I'm not painting myself in a good light here but I'm trying to be honest. I thought he loved me and the boys so much that none of this would ever matter. I could just say sorry and I would mean sorry and we would be back on track. Til the next time.

He is saying that he's willing to give it another go, but that at the moment he doesn't love me. Can I change/stifle my fiery personality enough that this could work? Otherwise he wants to leave, get himself a house and have the kids with him every other week.

Before having kids I had a good, well paid career. I took a lot of time out of work as a SAHM and my DS2 has SN so I now work as a TA in a school so that my DS2 doesn't have to go to a CM or after school club, as finding one that would have the facilities to look after him would be difficult and he is much happier at home in his routine. Therefore I have very little chance of earning much money myself, or of getting back up to where I was before I left work to look after our children. I am terrified of being on my own and having the responsibility of my children on my own. My DH would be very fair with me, I'm sure, but if we had to fund 2 houses there wouldn't be very much left over.

And more to the point, I still love him. He's a really nice bloke and I haven't treated him as he deserves. If this was him writing you would be telling him to run a mile from this woman who just uses him and that he deserves to be happy.

We had an ordinary day yesterday, we took the kids out for a walk and tried to make it an enjoyable time. I am just about holding it together this morning in front of the kids as DH is back at work. We had another chat last night at about 11.00pm and he's still willing to try for the sake of the kids, but he can't see it being forever as he can't imagine ever loving me again.

What can I do? Is it too late?

About 5 months ago I got the "I'm not in love you any more speech". I posted about it on here and so many people thought there would be an OW involved and there was. I was totally and utterly shocked as I never thought he would have an affair. I didn't think he was the type, thought he was dedicated to me and the family, didn't think he had the time or opportunity. I would just do a bit of digging - if it brings up nothing then fine but if you do find evidence of an affair wouldn't you rather know?

OK, very sorry, I have come across too strongly. Your words did evoke raw memories. .

Nitpicking and nagging can also be emotionally exhausting to the hearer, like water dripping on a stone.

Your DC are quite old to pick up on the household atmosphere..
" I am just about holding it together this morning in front of the kids" .
Do you really think they haven't noticed.. They could be worried sick.

It's possible to stop loving someone and then start loving them again. Definitely possible - it happened to us. When you think about it, relationships are rarely that black and white. We've probably all had the experience, for example, of meeting up with an old flame we thought we'd put completely behind us and finding there is still a smouldering ember there. It can take forever to put all those embers out.

I don't believe you can make yourself love someone. But you can do everything possible to create and maintain the conditions in which love can thrive, if it's there. Where those conditions have gone wrong and compromised the love, you can rectify them. It sounds, to be honest, like there must be something still there for him, even if it's buried under so much resentment he only has the vaguest, most indirect sentience that it might exist. If there weren't, I don't think he'd be talking about wanting to try and sort it, or seeing a counsellor.

I also don't think if he were having an affair that he'd be likely to be talking like that. However you have to remember that this is MN and it HAS to be the man's fault. It doesn't matter how much you tell us about how great he is, or how honest you are about your shortcomings that have led to this - it will still either be him that made you that way, or him that should have told you earlier to stop being that way, or him that is passive aggressive and should be more that way himself, or him that must be having an affair. The idea that he might just be an ordinary decent bloke who wants to be treated considerately by his wife - nah, impossible!

I don't know why, from what you've posted, but I really believe you both still love each other and can make it work. Good luck.

Hi there so sorry for you having to go through this.

Another one here who has experienced something very similar. Like lifesohard I could have written your post. OW that came out of the woodwork quite soon after the speech. We tried counseling which in hindsight was pointless as XH said barely nothing in the sessions and didn't tell the truth about OW.

I really hope that your H is different but do be alert just in case. In these situations your instincts are usually right. IME when men don't say much or get snappy, its usually because they have something to hide.

Confidence, you are right about MN and before what happened to me I would agree with your post 100 percent. I hated the women who screamed 'affair' at every post but it does provide a possible explanation for things. Obviously there is also the explanation that you provide. The only point I would quibble with in your post is that he wouldn't say these things if he were having an affair. My husband said he wanted to work at things, even brought up going to Relate himself, all while he was having an affair. The problem was he didn't know what he wanted, and the state of our relationship had led him to turning to someone else. He in fact I believe now does want to be with me, but unfortunately for us it is too late. If I were you, Jeanniewithblueeyes, I would stop beating yourself up so much and ask your husband to talk to you PROPERLY about what he wants from you, your relationship, and the future. If he can't and gets defensive or doesn't want to talk about it, the likelihood is that there is more to it. Sorry if this hurts, I am just trying to help. I wish I had questioned my husband more. I believed it was my fault for months, I didn't find out about the OW till well after we had separated.

Oh and one last thing, I really do believe you probably do still love each other too (regardless of what he may, or may not, be doing), and are able to work things out. You just need to make sure you get to the bottom of things sooner rather than later. I really hope you do and am so sorry you are going through this.

lifesohard - my H also said that he wanted to go to counselling etc during the I dont love you anymore speech. He said that the reason was because he wasn't sure what he really wanted and also to lessen his guilt, he wanted to be able to say that he was doing everything to make the marriage work.

I never thought he would ahve an affair and even said on here that I was confident he wasn't having one...

Me too- not on here but on another site and to all friends who said that he might be. I feel really naive now!!

Hi ladies. I'm still reading. I managed to grab his phone for 5 minutes yesterday and it had nothing on it, no texts or anything to anyone it shouldn't. Not to say that he hasn't already deleted everything.

It's all gone quiet. I don't know what to say to him and vice versa. I'm finding it hard to actually look at him. We are off on holiday for a week tomorrow with an old friend's wedding next Friday. God knows how we'll get through it. Holidays with my DS2 are stressful at the best of times. We get about an hour to talk to each other without the kids around and we have run out if things to say. We are just getting on with normal stuff. I'm so unhappy and I can't imagine that things can be getting better for him. He's coming home to a very strained situation.

I asked him last night if he thought the kids had picked up on anything and he was as sure as I am that they haven't. Having a child on the autistic spectrum and 2 others who aren't far off it can be an advantage. They really don't notice anything subtle.

I still wouldnt rule an ow out Jeannie . Is it possible to look at the email account ?

Im concerned your so down on yourself with referances about you nagging ect. Were you nagging , or were you simply asking him to do something , and having to ask him repeatedly ? People dont "nag " for nothing . And the cooking , why shouldnt he cook ?

I think counselling is a good idea , but i would also start to think about what YOU want , is it enough for you to be married to someone who doesnt love you and only wants to try for the sake of the kids ? Your oldest is 14 and might well be away from home in a few years , where does that leave you ?

I would look closeley at whether what your saying is accurate , people dont nit pick ,nag , or argue for no reason .

come back for support nobody will say told you so

I was really hoping (for you) that your DH was different. Nobody will say I told you so. Hope you have some RL support.

Utter Bastard.

Thanks. I can now start to tell my RL friends. You have all been really helpful and much wiser than me. It's due to you lot that I persevered snooping and finally found his new email account on his iPhone. Horrible, juvenile sex talk. I'll probably start a new thread as he's seen this one. Will delete last one, forgot he could find it.

You don't have to make any decisions immediately. See the solicitor for advice but no need for decisions whilst you are still in shock. Did you ask him to leave or did he decide to leave ?

Feeling for you - no words can really describe it and nobody really knows what it feels like unless you have been in this position

Be very kind to yourself.

He was going to stay until after the boys had settled into school, DS2 is newly in secondary, but he had lied so much I couldn't trust him not to keep on seeing her while he was still living here, so I told him to leave. He has lied every day, every time I asked him about this OW, I was apologising for being paranoid, but he's been sneaking off to see her for quickies for 6 months. She's just separated from her 3rd husband and has a child herself, but he 'loves her.'

Shit, meant to have that name change for the new thread. Oh well, try again.

No matter, so he's watched you in bits doubting yourself, arranging relate, blaming yourself, trying to change your personality, etc, etc and all this time he has been shagging Ms Nonetoofussy?

Hope his bits get gangrene and drop off. Well done for showing him the door.

They are sooo stupid these men, as I pointed out to DH, the OW was no true "friend" of his, with his best interests at heart, what "friend" would help you tear your family apart, upsetting your DC etc ? That made him think.

Your H is probably in love with the feeling of being in love, attracted to those feelings but no matter, he's got all the time in the world to work that one out for himself, just a pity that he is prepared to lose the things that really matter for that thrill.

I hope your DC are ok, mine took my DH leaving very badly (I too have ASD DSs). DS2 is still very anxious when DH goes away for any length of time, is late home from work etc.

I really thought he was a nice bloke, if a bit weak. But he really is just a lying shit. I asked him again last night if he was seeing the OW but he actually said he thought she was seeing another guy from the office. He had arranged to go on a stag weekend next week, which was really a dirty weekend with OW. I was crying last night, saying I was paranoid, he hugged me and said he wanted to try and get things right. Then, just before we went to sleep, he said, "It's still ok for me to go on this stag weekend, isn't it?"

When I said today how could he have been so vile, he said he just doesn't care how I feel, all he cares about is making sure he gets to see the kids. So he'd been keeping me sweet until we (unfortunately) separated and then his relationship with OW would have officially started. The astonishing unfeeling nerve of the guy!

Bastard

I know too well how you must be feeling...be kind to yourself, I found that having a haircut and pamper sessions, coffees with good friends etc really helped my self esteem.

Thanks, hotchoc. Kids don't know yet. RL friends have been texting and one really lovely friend has been very supportive.

OMG! So he was having an affair?

These men just repeat patterns all the time!

Unbelievable.

Hope you are OK.

Thanks. Yes, he's been having a sexual affair for 6 months and lots of flirting and shared confidences before that as far as I can tell. What a fucking bastard. Oh well, she's welcome to Mr Premature Ejaculation.

Ms Nonetoofussy and Mr Premature erection, sounds like a match made in hell. Good.