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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I dump her?

88 replies

oleblueeyes · 16/08/2011 10:07

I want to end something which is not quite a relationship yet, but which has gotten physical. The woman is a nice person and I feel bad about it.
We have only been out 5 or 6 times but I don't feel about her how I think she may feel about me.
I don't think I want to do this by text, or by disappearing.
Would a phone call be acceptable?

OP posts:

Blethermouse · 16/08/2011 10:11

don't say "dump her" its unpleasant and disrespectful.
try talking to her nicely and say you aren't willing to take the relationship further.

SleepySuzy · 16/08/2011 10:14

If you are honest you will get more respect. Don't make excuses or she will have hope and may keep trying.

Cheaptrick · 16/08/2011 10:16

Meet up for a coffee and explain why you no longer want to take it any further and ask to be friends. Be a grown up!

Also do not sleep with her and then end it as thats just really bad too.

Treat her with respect.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 16/08/2011 10:16

Meet up for a drink, and tell her you don't think it's going anywhere. Much better to end it now than let the poor woman invest any more time and emotion if you don't feel the same way.

ImperialBlether · 16/08/2011 10:17

Oh no, don't tell her face to face! It would be incredibly humiliated to get dressed up to meet someone you fancy, only for him to tell you that he doesn't want to see you again.

At least give her some privacy and allow her to slam the phone down.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 16/08/2011 10:19

As someone who has been dumped by text I would strongly suggest you take the more noble option and explain your feelings to her face to face. Then don't sleep with her any more. (Not suggesting you would, but we all know there are men who want to have their cake and eat it)

Original poster

oleblueeyes · 16/08/2011 10:20

I'm sorry. I know 'dump her' sounds shit, but that's what I'm doing.
And I know I shouldn't have slept with her if this is what I was going to do.
Feel like a kunt really.
Think I'll stop doing things like this.

OP posts:

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 16/08/2011 10:21

Hmmmm I get ImperialBlether's point.... maybe meet her at her house? Personally I would feel really embarrassed and upset - I think I'd rather feel like that in the comfort of my own home.

ViolaTricolor · 16/08/2011 10:23

A very nice man once took me out for lunch to dump me, it was really awful. I hated being surrounded by strangers having a good time when, despite his best intentions, I felt humiliated and miserable. I think a phone call can be kinder sometimes.

elastamum · 16/08/2011 10:24

Phone her, be honest, be nice, dont critisize and keep it short. Just say you dont see it working out for you. Pls dont ask to be friends though, thats just bullshit and she will see right through it

piano10 · 16/08/2011 10:27

Yes phone her, be tactful, and honest. Sometimes from a female perspective its nice if the guy says ometing like, "I am really sorry, I dont want to mess you about, you are really nice, (etc etc) but I think probably not going to work etc..."

elastamum · 16/08/2011 10:29

FGS, dont take her out, she will want to get as far away from you as possible. just phone her, early evening when you know she isnt doing anything else. And maybe dont rush to sleep with women who you are not sure you really like.

I once went out with a bloke who dumped me after the event, as we had each others stuff to return. Surprisingly we had an absolute blast and at the end of the eveing he said he realised how he enjoyed my company and lets meet again as friends - I didnt though, as I didnt really need another friend like him

Original poster

oleblueeyes · 16/08/2011 10:34

It's her birthday at the weekend. :(
Not something you want to hear either side of that eh?

OP posts:

StuckUpTheFarawayTree · 16/08/2011 10:35

Don't take her out for her birthday! That happened to me once!

MrsHicks · 16/08/2011 10:36

Have you actually asked her how she feels? Nothing worse than someone 'dumping' you for having feelings that you really don't have. Fair enough if you don't want to continue regardless, but I'd be sure to stick to that rather than mention what you think she might feel.

piano10 · 16/08/2011 10:36

eeewwhh !.. oh dear. Her birthday?
Best tell her tonight , its only Tuesday..

elastamum · 16/08/2011 10:40

Just man up and tell her then. And dont come on here feeling sorry for yourself and expecting sympathy.

Arent you the bloke with about 9 women on the go??? Im sure if you told her about all the others she would run like the wind

Original poster

oleblueeyes · 16/08/2011 10:40

I'd be glad if she didn't 'like' me. But I think, from some of the things she has said, that she does.
She told me she had removed her online dating profile and told a bloke she was going to meet that she'd met someone and was going to see how that went.
I don't think I've led her on. We have only really met up once every couple of weeks and I only exchange the odd text.

OP posts:

Original poster

oleblueeyes · 16/08/2011 10:40

Not looking for sympathy.
Just advice.

OP posts:

elastamum · 16/08/2011 10:42

My advice is dont play with other peoples emotions. Dont treat women like a disposable commodity and dont shag women you dont care about just because you can.

ShoutyHamster · 16/08/2011 10:47

Tell her straight away, phone might be best - mid way between text (crap) and face to face (possibly a bit excruciating for her). Just say it isn't working out for you, you like her but you know a relationship between you wouldn't work so you are coming clean before there is any more involvement.

Nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, just be respectful and honest. You don't have to dress anything up with excuses because you are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do.

HairyButtMonkey · 16/08/2011 10:50

Be unavailable for her birthday so you don't ruin it and then do as others have suggested; drop by her house with little notice (maybe send a text saying you are nearby and can you pop round for a coffee?) and then tell her it's not working out. Good luck :)

BTW - Send card and flowers for birthday

SingOut · 16/08/2011 10:51

Hear hear elastamum!

StuckUpTheFarawayTree · 16/08/2011 10:53

I'm with piano - do it today. Give her chance for a breather and a nice birthday.

ChizChizChiz · 16/08/2011 10:54

OBE. if you're going to do it, do it today. Give her a call, be kind and respectful, tell her she's lovely and you've enjoyed the time you've spent together but you can't see it going any further.

And, imo, definitely DO NOT send a card and flowers for her birthday! She won't know whether she's coming or going with mixed messages like that.

Tbh, though, if you're the 'serial dater' you're going to have to develop some decent strategies for dumping all these women you've got hanging on, aren't you?

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