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Relationships

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Original poster

How do I dump her?

88 replies

oleblueeyes · 16/08/2011 10:07

I want to end something which is not quite a relationship yet, but which has gotten physical. The woman is a nice person and I feel bad about it.
We have only been out 5 or 6 times but I don't feel about her how I think she may feel about me.
I don't think I want to do this by text, or by disappearing.
Would a phone call be acceptable?

OP posts:

Vicky2011 · 16/08/2011 22:43

Really, a quick, to the point phone call is all that's needed. No platitudes just explain you can't see things progressing further. The meeting face to face thing would actually be worse than a text I think!

adamschic · 16/08/2011 22:52

If it was me doing the 'dumping' I would phone up, make it quick and straight to the point but would probably use the I'm not ready for a relationship speech, therefore minimizing the hurt.

However, similar time frame, when a guy 'dumped' me saying he wasn't in love. I had to tell him that neither way I which was very true. He has twice tried to get back with me which was embarrassing as I couldn't work out why I went out with him in the first place.

didyouseewhatshedid · 16/08/2011 22:55

Just go incommunicardo for a few days.

solidgoldbrass · 16/08/2011 23:32

If you only want to have sex with someone who you consider yourself in a committed relationship with them, you need to have a discussion about it before you have the shag. If no such discussion has taken place it's a bad idea to assume that the shag means the relationship is 'progressing'.
Though the trouble is with insisting on only trading sex for love - sometimes you make the other person wait for ages, and then when the shag happens it's crap and then you have to dump the other person and s/he is understandably a bit put out and thinks of you as a game-player.

carantala · 17/08/2011 02:21

Did you do the decent thing and be honest?

carminagoesprimal · 17/08/2011 10:09

Do people actually say 'I only want you for sex' ?
Who would accept that?

MrsHicks · 17/08/2011 10:52

Do people actually say 'I only want you for sex' ?
Yep

Who would accept that?
People who also want that set-up. (And also, sadly, people with low self-esteem or hope that the person will change their mind)

carminagoesprimal · 17/08/2011 11:10

Well yes, it must happen -
Personally, I can't think of anything worse than entering into a relationship with such a cold, almost business like, attitude. Kills the passion immediately.

solidgoldbrass · 17/08/2011 11:14

'I only want you for sex' is a grim thing to say because it implies that sex is a Bad Thing or at least inferior to A Proper Relationship. 'I'm not looking for anything serious' or 'looking for no-strings fun' is what most people say as it sounds far less condemnatory.
And if you agree to a casual sexual relationship in the hope that the other person will change his/her mind and fall in love with you, not only will you only have yourself to blame if your feelings are hurt, you are being unethical and dishonest.

cumbria81 · 17/08/2011 11:23

I was "dumped" recently by a guy I'd been out with 5 or 6 times and was growing to like. he just stopped replying to my texts. I'd far rather he'd just been honest and said "thanks but no thanks". I'm a grown up. I can deal with the fact that some people are blind and don't realise how fab I am don't necessarily fancy me. It's life.

carminagoesprimal · 17/08/2011 11:26

That's why I'd never sign up for that kind of relationship - I'm too soft.

garlicbutter · 17/08/2011 13:27

I had lots of FWB-type relationships in between marriages - in fact, it's how I landed up with Arsehole#2. That's when I realised I'm not actually as good at compartmentalising feelings as I'd thought. Fair enough, there were some men I loved having sex with but just wasn't interested in as people; it's easy to file those under "sex and light entertainment" but, generally, good sex fired up my oxytocin and that did its bonding work. Hence the marriage (against my better judgement, even at the time.)

I tried a few just-friends shags after divorce#2 and my heart wasn't in it. So I had to accept I'm no longer equipped for "just sex". Can't say whether this means I'm more honest with myself or have changed; it could be both!

There just isn't one recipe for everyone, nor even for the same person throughout life. I've known a few elderly women who've discovered they are now receptive to uninvolved sex (yes, it happens!) but not to full-time relationships. Since I'm being honest with myself ... I'm waiting for that to happen to me, then I can replay my inter-marriage fun, 30 years older and wiser

Sorry, this isn't about OP at all but it seemed kind of relevant to the overall discussion.

carminagoesprimal · 17/08/2011 14:30

I've only had two lovers in my entire life - that's enough for me.
I prefer 'being in love' to actual sex, so I guess that explains it.

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