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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am exhausted by emotional 'abuse' for want of a better word

137 replies

farnywarny · 08/08/2011 14:24

I haven?t posted here before, but I definitely could do with some support.

I am in a relationship with a man who spends night after night torturing himself over our relationship. He rakes over my past, previous relationships and even the existing relationship with ds?s dad! If I answer the phone in too cheery a tone of voice to my ex, I am a slag and must be cheating. If I refer to ANYTHING in past relationships, I am trying to hurt his feelings. I spend every day anxious and on eggshells, crying in the toilets in work and snappy at home with my ds (a lot ? feel so guilty)

I have told him how this makes me feel and he says we will just have to live with it because he is hurting too?!?!?!?! Wtf!!! I have never cheated or given him any reason to be jealous, yet he rakes over my past trying to make? thinks add up? day after day after day

I don?t know what to do anymore 

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 08/08/2011 14:25

You should end it. It's not worth it

plupervert · 08/08/2011 14:31

If you don't have children together, or property, definitely a person to move on from immediately (getting untangled from a relationship with property or children involved could take longer, but definitely sounds worth doing in your circumstances). What on earth do either of you get out of this relationship?

Let's hope you have more success in proving to him how you treat exes!

thisishowifeel · 08/08/2011 14:32

£10 on him being the one who ultimately cheats.

Seriously.

I have found with abusive people, that all the things they tell you that you are, is what they are. If he is that obsessed with cheating, maybe he already is.

Either way, he's insane.....run away.

Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 14:37

plupervert I am pg.

He doesn't know it yet though. I am devastated as I am on the pill and its definitely not the ideal situation

thisishowifeel he has a history of cheating and basically being a 'player'
I know he hasn't cheated on me though - just by instinct.

OP posts:
mumsamilitant · 08/08/2011 14:37

How long have you been with him? Why on earth would you put up with this? Do you own a home together?

mumsamilitant · 08/08/2011 14:40

Is he a drinker? Sounds like the ramblings of a drunk.

RitaMorgan · 08/08/2011 14:41

Why are you putting yourself and your ds through this? Get out now. I'd seriously consider whether you want to bring a baby into such a miserable situation too.

ChizChizChiz · 08/08/2011 14:41

You don't know what to do anymore? I'll tell you.

Run. For. The. Hills.

He sounds like a complete headcase - a jealous, paranoid, emotionally abusive and deeply unpleasant individual. You absolutely cannot continue to live like this.

Please tell me you don't have any children or financial connections with him? Because if not, you can leave today and never look back. In a week's time you'll be feeling like a new woman.

Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 14:46

mumsamilitant he is not a 'drinker' but when he does have a drink tends to get worse (so at weekends/on nights out)
We don't own a home together.

This is not how he has always been, its sudden and started recently. I am in love with him and so confused by the change

OP posts:
ChizChizChiz · 08/08/2011 14:49

How long have you been together?

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 14:50

I will tell you what to do

Leave this man, baby or no baby

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 14:51

if it's started recently, then I say he is the one with the guilty conscience

he is reflecting his own cheating back on you

typical

PurpleRayne · 08/08/2011 14:55

You are in love with an illusion. He never was the man you thought he was. You do not have to stay in this situation.

Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 14:55

We have been together 18 months now. I have known him for years before this - we were really close friends for a long time and we used to see each other at least once a week. There was always a spark but we didn't act on it.

Truth be told he thought I was too good for him and so did I.....

OP posts:
Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 08/08/2011 14:55

Didn't you post this exact thread minus the pg a couple of weeks ago?

Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 14:58

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit

I have had a terrible weekend with him and have found out I am pg on friday night.

I wonder why people do that on a thread where support is requested???

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 14:59

farny, there is nothing wrong with asking if you have posted before about the same situation

if you did post before, what kind of advice did you get ? was it helpful ?

nickelbabe · 08/08/2011 15:01

sausage's point is valid, though - it's useful for us in these situations to know if you have a history with your DP being a twat.

As it happens, you appear to have.

It's your house, yes? he moved in with you?

chuck him out.

Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 15:01

AnyFucker Thanks - I think people that jump straight on a person asking for support should not bother at all! I dont have anyone in RL that I can talk to

Last time I asked I was told leave him leave him leave him.....I am too scared to leave him :(

OP posts:
plupervert · 08/08/2011 15:02

Is there a reason you haven't told him? It sounds as though you don't want him to know, and that is your answer, I'm afraid.

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/08/2011 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PeppermintPasty · 08/08/2011 15:06

Hi fw, what are you scared of exactly, if you leave him I mean.

Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 15:08

being on my own I think. And of going through the break up too. And of not being able to continue my relationship with his kids

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 15:09

so what are you looking for here ?

serious question, love

I have massive, massive sympathy

but you know what people are going to say...will just one response saying "hang on in there, a baby will make everything alright now" be enough to make you bury your unhappiness again ?

no-one should stay in a relationship that makes them feel like this, end of

have you spoken to family/friends in RL (do not be ashamed to tell them the truth...this is his shame, not yours)

or Women's Aid ?

if you are too frightened to split with him, then you need outside help because you are being abused, not be looking for people to tell you to stay, because there will always be one numbskull who comes along to say you owe it to him to try at great risk to yourself (and potential baby)

you don't owe him anything seriously

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 08/08/2011 15:10

Sorry if you thought you were being jumped on, it's just that your other thread was so distinctive. I really have no idea why you're still tolerating this, the man is an emotional torturer and you REALLY could do without it.

As others have asked, are there substance abuse issues? He is definitely mentally unhealthy.