I am exhausted by emotional 'abuse' for want of a better word

[farnywarny]

I haven?t posted here before, but I definitely could do with some support.

I am in a relationship with a man who spends night after night torturing himself over our relationship. He rakes over my past, previous relationships and even the existing relationship with ds?s dad! If I answer the phone in too cheery a tone of voice to my ex, I am a slag and must be cheating. If I refer to ANYTHING in past relationships, I am trying to hurt his feelings. I spend every day anxious and on eggshells, crying in the toilets in work and snappy at home with my ds (a lot ? feel so guilty)

I have told him how this makes me feel and he says we will just have to live with it because he is hurting too?!?!?!?! Wtf!!! I have never cheated or given him any reason to be jealous, yet he rakes over my past trying to make? thinks add up? day after day after day

I don?t know what to do anymore 

Honestly, we don't know your parents but it sounds like you have a good relationship with your dad so I really believe he would WANT you to tell him. Yes, they may have other serious things on their plates but this is serious. You need them now and they will want you to be safe.

Good luck duck x

good luck Farny x

here is a link

and here is a good book

I agree with everyone here,op.

www1.umn.edu/aurora/pdf/LoserLoverBookmark.pdf PM's link

Great idea the book mark!!

Farny , you are MEANT to feel needy and scared of being alone , that is the direct impact of having been abused in this way and your confidence eroded . If you stay that feeling will get worse and worse . I understand your family has a lot going on right now , but they would want to know and will no doubt support you . I can not stress how important it is to get some support and some outside perspective . At the minuite youve only got his opinion and yours . His is badly warped and he will say anything he can to justify his poor treatment of you .

Is he working Farny ? These fuckers are often cocklodgers and contribute fuck all , expecting to be waited on hand and foot while you do all the shitwork . If you really cannot bear to speak to your family then please ring womens aid , they wont pressure you but will support you , and saying it out loud , even to a stranger , is a big help .

You will need some help , because he isnt going to go quietly , he will take the stance that you have no right to end the relationship , he will bully and bully and wear you down until you retract it . You dont owe him a relationship and he has no right to be living in your house if you dont want him there . End this secrecy and let people know whats happening , once the spotlight is on him he will slink away like the coward he is . Hes not a normal person and does not have normal responses so the usual conversations and attempts at reasoning do not work .

In the meantime , look up emotional abuse on the net , get familiar with his tactics , research gaslighting , stonewalling and the abuse cycle . Read up on stockholme syndrome and projection , and know that all the things he calls you or accuses you of are really all the things he thinks about himself.

Thanks HH.
Great post,D.Please listen OP.
Like many other posters here,I've learnt through bitter experience.
Get out now and I promise you will soon be wondering how on earth it took you so long,and how on earth you thought you loved him.

Go to the police. You have enough to go for an exparte injunction on him. The police will remove him from your house and he will not be able to come back.

He isn't that person that you want him to be and that he pretends to be sometimes. That person does not exist. Just be thankful he is not DS's dad.

I'm with annieversaire and I would not tell him I was pregant whatever I planned to do.

My biggest regret is not leaving my abusive ex as soon as I found out I was pregnant.... but I loved him, hoped it would get better. It doesn't, it just gets worse.

Farny please be careful around him. Babyhammock is right, get an injunction to get him out of the house - don't tell him you're doing it though, that would be dangerous for you. Abusers typically get physically violent when they are losing their power and control, so when a relationship breaks down is a period of increased risk. Risk also increases during pregnancy sadly. IMO you should speak to Women's Aid before you actually do anything, they will help you make safe plans.

Your story reads like mine three or four years ago. I got pregnant, he broke something, stormed out. I wavered. Always had him back and forgave him. He never forgave me for standing up to him on the occasions I did. He finally left for OW. It hurts like hell, and I still don't know who the father of my DCs is.
You are an honest, caring person who believes in a future together for the sake of your unborn child. He is out for himself. He always will be. I know at times you will feel that WA aren't being very helpful because like lots of posters here they are telling you something that you can't quite process. I kept thinking there has to be another way too. There wasn't and I still grieve for Dr Jekyll. It's a long process. Do get some counselling if you can. It will allow you to talk and find your way through. And keep posting. Let it all out here.

Yup...what neuroticmumof3 said about not telling him. Exparte means without notice to your DP and I defo think you need to do it that way as you will be at risk otherwise by the sounds of it.

You're already scared as you know there will be fallout. I wish I could say you're wrong on that but I can't. The fallout from me leaving my abusive ex has been horrendous and is rapidly getting worse.... BUT imagine the fallout x 100 that will happen if you stay and have a child with this man.. Get out while you still can x

Not much to add here except to say that the Police will take your story very seriously and will help you by taking this man away and stopping him coming back. You mentioned his DCs, I gather they don't live with you & him?

I think OP is only able to post from work

Perhaps he monitors her internet usage ?

I feel sick reading this. OP, it won't get better if you stay. Please listen to the great advice you've had from all the wonderful posters who've survived this kind of ordeal.

Really wishing you strength to do what absolutely has to be done.

The trouble is with all the advice about ringing the police , is that to farny it will seem extreme and excessive , and its likeley she still loves him and wants things to work out . Practicly there is no difficultys in getting rid of him , its emotionally getting rid of these fuckers thats the problem , once your hooked , its hard to get unhooked as many of us know .

I really would set about educating yourself Farny , and getting some emotional support . Once you see these abusive tactics in black and white , and realise that its entireley deliberate , it enables you to detatch a little bit and see him for what he is . It doesnt just happen , youve got to take steps to make it happen before you get even more worn down by him .

You say you don't want to be alone Farny but you ARE alone and will become even more so with this man as your partner. He will never be there for you when you really need him and will isolate you completely (that is what he is working on by making comments about the conversations with your Dad). A few years of this and you will not even have YOURSELF with you or acting for you because he will have trashed it - and how lonely do you think you'll feel then? When you don't even know who you are anymore? And how lonely will your DS be in such a situation?

You might not WANT to but you NEED to break carefully from this man and take a good look at why you are finding this relationship acceptable - ignoring red flags - yes, you can see them - and putting yourself and your DS in danger. You don't think he would ever really hurt you but he is already hurting you, at the newish stage of your relationship - it only gets worse - never better - from now on.

Unfortunatley what Dignified said is so true. Been there and its only recently with all the stuff my ex has done since I called the police that i am finally emotionally detached from him. I certainly wasn't when i finally called the police. They certainly know how to spectacularly get their claws in. But while you are processing all this OP don't tell him you are pregant.

Also please please please don't fall for that bollox that he only acts that way because he loves you. Is that how you treat someone you love ...make their lives a misery and scare them...NOPE.. that's because you don't do that to someone you love. His only agenda is himself and that nice person who you see every now and then is just an act.

farny If you don't want to ask your DP to leave, what do you want to happen now?

I remember reading your last thread, OP.

I have a friend who is kind of going through a similar thing - in that she is clearly in an awful relationship, and has been for over a year now, but is just not going anywhere. Instead we listen to her crying and venting each week about the latest thing he's done - but she doesn't take on any of our advice. She is also very needy and it seems she would rather stay in an awful relationship that is bound to end at some point anyway, than be in no relationship at all temporarily and rid herself of this toxic person. I guess the end result is that she will be older, and will have wasted more of her time and life, before the relationship finally and inevitably ends.

Ultimately it is your responsibility to make whatever decision you have to make to be at peace with your situation. Obviously, your partner has lured you in by being "sweet and wonderful" enough so that he feels confident that he has you trapped, and now he's starting with his ridiculous, abusive, and enduring behaviour. If he were 100% nasty and abusive, as others have said, you wouldn't be staying would you? I doubt there is anyone who is 100% nasty and abusive, but being nasty and abusive at all shows terrible personality qualities and should be a dealbreaker. Of course he is going to tell you his awful behaviour is "because he loves you so much" - what other reason can he give that might persuade a woman to tolerate it? If he explained the likely truth - "It's because I get a kick out of seeing how much control I have over you by behaving in a way that devastates you and has you pleading with me... I just love seeing the control I have over you in general, and value that more than your emotional wellbeing" - it doesn't quite have the same appeal to it does it? Because really that IS the only explanation for his behaviour - as he knows how much he hurts you but is not willing to change. If he loved you he WOULD change to protect you and not hurt you. He wants to see he's hurting you as it's what appeases him.

So I guess you have to decide what life you want for yourself. What you may have dreamed for yourself as a young girl, and how your life is matching up to that now. Whether you're willing to waste more months/ years with this idiot, or whether it's more sensible to end this doomed relationship as soon as possible so that you have the best chance of finding a good man who will make you happy.

I know it's extremely, extremely difficult to act on the advice given here, despite how sensible/ rational you know the advice is. You just have to decide what you want for your life and act on it. You don't have to be a victim here unless you decide to be one. By leaving you'll also be sending him the message that his unacceptable and abusive behaviour will NOT be tolerated. You've shown that you can attract men/ have relationships so it's not like leaving would condemn you to a life of loneliness. And if you don't want his baby - again you have options and don't need to passively choose to become a victim of this situation. I hope you are doing something about that.

Oh and with the physical abuse, I do think he's dangerous, so please be careful when/ if breaking up with him. And make sure you delete your internet history.

my heart breaks at these threads.
so, so sad

Just a quick update. I went home and was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa straight away. Woke up to a lovely meal cooked and my house spotless and ds ready to go blackberry picking. So off we all went, even though I desperately didn;t want to - he made me feel guilty because ds was all ready and excited.
Came home and I escaped to the bath for an hour. Get out of the bath to crumble and custard.....still no energy to fight - he is acting like nothing is wrong.

Cue ds's bed time and the arguments start....he is asking me about a guy I am friends with and when is the last time we spoke so I flipped and he slept on the sofa

Another blazing row this morning, but I took myself by surprise by standing up and fighting back

He is at home packing. i am at work

Well done, farny. I truly hope he is gone when you are back, but be aware there's a possibility that you might go home and find him acting like nothing has happened. Maybe not, but please have a back-up plan just in case (even if your plan is nothing more than "call Women's Aid for advice and support"). He's an atrocious fucker, farny, honestly.

he really stepped up the pace last night, then, didn't he?

I'm glad you stood up to him, but please please please please please tell your dad before you leave work today, and make sure you have a strong person with you (even a bolshy friend?) when you go home - he knows he's being dumped, and as everyone upthread says, he will most likely turn violent now.
:(

Well done you, very strong. You wanted support-you've got it on here. Today will probably be a long one, stay strong and keep posting if it helps.