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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am exhausted by emotional 'abuse' for want of a better word

137 replies

farnywarny · 08/08/2011 14:24

I haven?t posted here before, but I definitely could do with some support.

I am in a relationship with a man who spends night after night torturing himself over our relationship. He rakes over my past, previous relationships and even the existing relationship with ds?s dad! If I answer the phone in too cheery a tone of voice to my ex, I am a slag and must be cheating. If I refer to ANYTHING in past relationships, I am trying to hurt his feelings. I spend every day anxious and on eggshells, crying in the toilets in work and snappy at home with my ds (a lot ? feel so guilty)

I have told him how this makes me feel and he says we will just have to live with it because he is hurting too?!?!?!?! Wtf!!! I have never cheated or given him any reason to be jealous, yet he rakes over my past trying to make? thinks add up? day after day after day

I don?t know what to do anymore 

OP posts:
Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 15:10

I havent spoken to friends or family because I barely see them anymore. I was speaking to my dad the other night and got a sneer from dp for saying 'love you, bye' and the 3rd degree about who I was talking to, and then the ususal going through my phone...

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 08/08/2011 15:10

and, a plus point to this, is that if he's not able to help financially, as he isn't at the moment, if he doesn't live with you any more, then you will get help from the BA.

nickelbabe · 08/08/2011 15:11

your last post just speaks volumes, doesn't it?
he was jealous at your telling your dad that you love him?

get rid of him, please!

mumsamilitant · 08/08/2011 15:12

How long have you been together? He's obviously got issues which are "his" not yours. Soz, honey, may be totally wrong but you said he was a womaniser, how can you be so sure he's not at it again? Who's place do you live in?

RitaMorgan · 08/08/2011 15:12

What would you like support to do?

Your choices are stay in a miserable relationship (things are likely to get worse rather than better, especially if you have a baby) or leave. All anyone will tell you to do is get out.

PeppermintPasty · 08/08/2011 15:12

What makes me suspicious is the sudden onset of this. I agree with what's been said-I bet ten to one he's cheated or is working up to it, working himself into a lather about it, testing the water iykwim. Seriously though, a break up is never easy, but a lifetime of shit for you and your baby is a right bugger too.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 15:13

look, he has isolated you from support mechanisms

stop looking for the good in him

there is none

Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 15:14

I don;t know what I wanted. Someone to talk to more than anything

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 15:14

I suspect, without looking for your thread, that all this has been said before though Sad

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 15:15

talk to Women's Aid

they can e better support than all of us put together

and tell your dad the life you are leading...the true one

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 15:16

be

nickelbabe · 08/08/2011 15:16

farny, please get rid of him :(

and

Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 15:16

PeppermintPasty I am suspicious too. I found pictures on an old memory card from his camera last night (was looking for some pics of kids from a day out) of another woman (naked ones too!) that he says are really old and before he met me. I deleted them all and he hit the roof and said we should have gone through them together - as though I would have wanted to keep any of them!

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 08/08/2011 15:19

Oh my god. I'm sorry, he's horrible. Look, you need to get your head round what you're going to do about the pregnancy. please go and speak to someone-even your GP would be a start.

PeppermintPasty · 08/08/2011 15:20

"even your GP"?? Wasn't meant to sound so insulting to the medical profession Grin

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 15:22

I know he hasn't cheated on me though - just by instinct.

PeppermintPasty I am suspicious too.

which is it, love ?

I suspect that what will be your impetus to finally leave him, is when you discover he has been unfaithful, when you can no longer make excuses that the good guy is still in there, and it you just act in a certain way, he will come back

at the moment, he may be a twat, but he is your twat

it's quite amazing how much shit women will put up with, until what opens their eyes is the fact that the "good guy" side they crave has actually been in evidence for someone else

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 15:22

if you just act in a certain way

DialsMavis · 08/08/2011 15:23

I am really sorry but due to the fact his behaviour started suddenly I would put money on him cheating on you. Even if he hasn't he will not change and I speak from personal experience. This is no environment for your DS to be in. How old is DS? how is your P with him? and to you in front of your DS?

Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 15:25

AnyFucker I know he hasn't cheated, but there are other things that make me suspicious....and think that he may be in touch with women that he could potentially cheat with

OP posts:
Original poster
farnywarny · 08/08/2011 15:27

My ds is nearly 6. DP is great with him.

He did throw a plate at me on saturday for raising my voice.

DS was in the garden and I was in the kitchen

OP posts:
DialsMavis · 08/08/2011 15:29

This is escalating then. Even if his mentalness isn't around DS he WILL pick up on it and it will affect him.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 08/08/2011 15:31

Are you happy? Does he make you happy? Are you happy any of the time? Do you want this life for the next 40 years?

Fucking hell woman, you only get one life, you will kick yourself later if you waste yours being miserable with this wanker :(

Benefits are there for people like you, until you get on your feet. You and your kids won't be destitute or homel;ess. You admit he's already affecting how you parent your child, you want another child to be subject to this? Being a lone parent isn't the easiest but it's sure as hell easier than living with a horrible, abusive man. You want to be a good mum - so do what you need to do.

Reality · 08/08/2011 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 08/08/2011 15:32

And he's violent :(

What would have happened if the plate had hit you? Or smashed and a piece had hit you? Just picture, for one second, your little boy coming in from the garden to find his mother pouring with blood. He's a violent cunt and you are wrong to expose your child to this.

holyShmoley · 08/08/2011 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.